Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

please don't think that your DH will automatically loves a child if it's imposed onto him. He might well get resentful if the child, his life, his life with you and your two dcs. He might well decide to leave to be able to get the life he wanted and avoid the one you have imposed onto him.
On the other side, he needs to realise that if you don't have a 3rd child, you might get resentful and unhappy about your current relationship and decide to leave (even if it's not the case atm).
Only you can decide if having another child is a feeling strong enough for you to prioritise over your current relationship. As you say you wouldn't split up for that, then maybe it's time to try and move in instead if hanging into the idea that et some point you will manage to convince him. The only thing you will manage to do us to make yourself miserable and stop yourself enjoying the life you have whilst you will dream if the life you could have (and I'm saying that from the pov if someone who used to feel like there was a 'hole', something missing when we were out with the dcs, so strong this 'need' for a third was)

WhereAmIGoing : thanks, this is stopping me from enjoying my life as I just feel in limbo. Did you get your 3rd?

Sorry if this comes across as tactless, but it sounds as if he's trying to prevent his freedom being limited even more (which I totally understand, that's why I don't want any more dc) and you're feeling like having babies "is really is the only thing I am good at and enjoy".

I know you're not keen on counselling, as I don't think there's necessarily anything about you that needs fixing as such, but maybe try to think what else you'd like to do in life?

My dc are now 4 and 2 and it feels like the world is opening up again, there's so much I'm desperate to do. Could you rediscover some old passions? (in my case politics, some aspects of health research... god that sounds boring )

OP I think you are putting an unfair pressure on your OH.
You have two children- you need to thinnk about them and your OH not just you.
You need to examine your motives- why have another chil if you intend to go back to work at 4 months- if you were so crazy for another baby wouldn't you want to spend time with it?

I feel sorry for your OH.

CharethCutestory : yes I think he wants more freedom, even tho I encourage him to go out on his bike see his friends keep his hobbies up, etc, it seems he would rather spend his time with the children and me, which is why I do find it hard to really understand where he is coming from. I give him freedom, but he wont take it!

bigbluestars : I only work 2 days and we have free childcare (grandparents) who have said they would help as they are now (the older two would be in school)

Perhaps he's a bit conflicted - wants to be with you and feels that's his place now, but is also dreaming of a wider world?

That's how I feel a bit. My dh loves looking after the dc, and I want to be out a lot (political meetings etc (yawn!)) but I sort of feel like I "ought" to be with the boys as much as I can. I also love being with them of course.

Have you asked him about this?

I can totally understand where you're coming from OP.

I'm one of 3, I've always wanted 3. DH is one of 2, wants to stop at 2.

When I had DS2 7 months ago, my overwhelming feeling was "please don't let this be my last one, I'm not finished yet". It ate at me that I was done with the baby stage. DH was very adamant "that's it, no more!" and I ended up having to sit him down and explain why I felt the way I did.

I explained that I'd dreamt of my 3 kids since I was little, that the urge to have another child is sometimes overwhelming, that I didn't feel our family was complete. He probably hadn't thought about his future children until the pee stick was positive. I explained that I didn't want one straight away, I wanted to leave it at least 3 years and then take a view. By that point, with a 5 1/2 year old a 3 year old, I may not even want to revisit the baby stage! BUT what I asked him to realise was that if we weren't going to have any more, this was an acceptance I would have to come to on my own terms, and in my own way. Having it thrust upon me in a "No more, absolutely no more" way was causing me grief because it was essentially taken out of my hands. When you've dreamed of something for so long, having someone do that is gutting.

I'm 7 months on from DS2, he's fabulous, happy, wonderful. But I'm happy back at work, I have my body back, my nights out, my freedom (to a certain extent). I have me back and the further away I get from the pregnancy and newborn stage, the more I feel that perhaps I can live without a third. We live in a horrendously expensive part of the world and my kids can only attend private school - so school fees at $10k each from 5 years old, not to mention flights back to the UK are $1300 each (and only $100 less for 2-11 year olds!)

But the understanding of my husband was key in me taking the long view - knowing that he understands why I have the urge that I do, why I would love three kids, was key in making me not panic so much at the thought of not having three, if you see what I mean.

I think because you're not being heard it is grieving you. If your husband said "ok, I really understand why you want one, I understand your reasoning" then perhaps you could feel like you were being heard.

I am in a similar situation, although the other way round. DH wants us to have another, I really don't.

We have discussed it - unlike you, we genuinely can't afford it (ha ha to those thinking the occasional £300 overdraft is a debt significant enough to not have a baby!), we don't have the room, and I feel that the boys we have now are enough. Plus, with one set of twins already and my age meaning another set would be more likely, I wouldn't want to risk it.

I just said no to my DH. I feel I get more of a say because it's initially my body. But, do I really? I shouldn't. Maybe my DH doesn't have a really yearn for another baby - more of a want than a need.

I do understand the all encompassing broodiness, unlike others I don't think the money situation is relevant to you if you have savings, a rental property and no debt - but just so you know, from 2-3 is huge and changes everything when it comes to cars, holidays, eating out etc.

I'd go ahead with the rabbits, to be really honest. They are different to a baby...they wouldn't be his responsibility, and they'd be primarily outside, and he wouldn't need to interact with them or look after them at any point during their lives (although could, if he chose too).

If you can afford them, I'd go ahead. It might fill the need, in a kind of small sense?

My reptiles have controlled my broodiness so far...

bingbong no we didn't have a third child.
As I said before, I needed the time to grieve for that child I would never have but I never felt I could impose on him my desire for another child.
In retrospect, I realise that I was so immersed into the dream if a third that nothing else mattered and I made myself really miserable wishing for something that wouldn't happen. And that wasn't fair on me, on the dcs or on DH.

I think these situations are hard because it's one if those where you can't really have a win win solution. Either you do or you don't.
What you can do us to change the focus of your life from a child to something else.

OP £300 overdrawn every month IS a lot of money. That means you are spending £3,600 more each year than you jointly earn.

How much more would you be overdrawn each month if you had an extra mouth to feed?

Don't forget, kids get more and more expensive as they get older, not cheaper. And that lasts until they're independent, which could be their early 20s if they go to uni.

Are you really thinking about the financial long term, as well as envisaging lots of kids round the kitchen table.

Four is convenient. Lots of holidays etc are priced round families of four. An extra child brings lots of extra outlay.

Your needs sadly don't trump his, you can't have half a child and nobody should be pressured or tricked into a child they don't want.

If you are already short by £300 a month what will you do with an extra child to feed and clothe. That's three lots of school costs re uniform, trips etc as well. Also a little selfish to expect a third set of free childcare, you having another child should never impact on some bodies else's life.

Don't underestimate the pressure of being the main earner, it's nothing like working a few hours a week and doing the housework. Perhaps he simply does not want to be responsible for five people.

I could have written word for word everything you have said when I was 36 (except it was a 4th DC I yearned for).
Eventually we agreed that as DH was so strongly against having another he would have a vasectomy and was all booked in for the operation. I also felt that this would bring closure.
He couldn't go through with it in the end..

BingBong I hope this doesn't come across as false because I really mean this; you sound like a lovely, caring and thoughtful person. From just a few words on a screen, I can already tell that you are more than a mother and have other positive attributes to offer the world. I do think counselling might be beneficial, if only to boost your self esteem and help you see your self worth, whether you are the mother of 2 children or 3.

Snatchoo, you know you can insure against multiple births?

also, it doesn't sound like op is going overdrawn by a new £300 every month, more like they spend what they earn but run into the overdraft due to cash flow issues? She did say they have savings and an investment property so they are hardly strapped, just choosing to save/ invest rather than fritter away on extra holidays

I also believe that you can't and shouldn't pressurise someone to have a child when they don't want one. I think 'don't want more kids' trumps 'does want more kids', and I say that as someone who would have had another child if my DH would have agreed.

My DC are much older and three of them are at Uni. It's stating the bleedin' obvious but the needs and costs of a child change so much as they get older. When you are looking at having another DC it's hard to see the long term consequences.

Feeding, clothing and housing teens has got nothing to do with looking after little kids. You may not care about holidays but what if your kids want to do extra curricular activities or what if they all get an opportunity to go on a school trip abroad at the same time.

If you are going over drawn at the moment I seems risky to take on the extra responsibility of another child. I would not feel at ease unless I was able to save.

I'm a bit shocked that you are not using reliable contraception. It seems very reckless. If you get pregnant is your DH going to want you to get an abortion. It's the type of thing that could put an awful lot of strain on your relationship. Have you discussed what you would do?

We used the withdrawal method inbetween DC1 and DC2 on the understanding that if I got pregnant we would be happy (we knew we wanted another DC but thought we would wait a little while). Needless to say I got pregnant almost immediately and DC1 and DC2 are very close in age

I WISH I'd known that five years ago! Twins insurance - who'da thunk it?

You are trying make him sound petty. How dare he want holidays and treats when I want a baby!!

It is hard for me to feel sympathy for you, you already been blessed to have two children yet are nagging your husband a for a third. A third which will effect your financial situation, take away more attention from your first two children. Why? He does not want another child, if you are so desperate then leave him! But you wont do that will you, your just keep up with the guilt trips.

Good for him for sticking to his guns.

BingBong, much as my dad loves my brother he often thinks 'I wish we'd stopped at two' so it's very naive to think he'd be happy about it especially when he's against.

It sounds like you know what you want though and want to be convinced that's okay- it is okay- it's not okay to think you can or should change his mind and that he won't regret that. What do you think will happen if you get what you want and your husband isn't enamoured? how will that child feel with a dad that blatantly prefers his or her siblings? Or what if it causes a strain between you and your DH? What happens if your children realise it's because of your third, don't you worry they might blame?

You need to stop fixating on changing his mind, do the counselling but you need to look into why you need this third because it sounds like it's more to do with you then the child.

And my dad and brother's relationship is very strained to say the least. He was a 'surprise' baby.

We have three and all were planned by both of us. However, a few years ago life threw a completely unexpected and no way could have been planned for curve ball and life would be easier and less worrisome if we had stopped at two.

I wanted a huge family, and want lots of animals, but I know it is an emotional desire and even if I had had all my children conceived (I have had losses) and 17 more pets I would still want more therefore wrong to keep having more children and pets. Children and animals by the dozen will never fill the void I was trying to fill.

You have to come to an acceptance or decide if your need for another baby is worth leaving your marriage for.

If you only work 2 days a week then you are putting most of the financial responsibility on your (dh). Maybe he's worried about having to provide for 3 children largely on his own?

Thank you again for your responses esp crashdtiveonmangocity , that was very sweet of you to say that xx

Rebecca2014 : I am in no way making him found petty ?! And there are no guilt trips?!

It's a bit extreme to suggest I should leave him.

I am going to have a good reAd of this thread tonight and sleep on it .

Thanks again for taking the time to respond xx