Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

How long will GP be able and willing to be "very hands on" presumably providing free child care? Would it be fair on them? Could you afford paid childcare if they wanted or had to step back a bit?

I wouldn't risk the relationship by being deceitful - it isn't a good start for the child.
He isn't likely to change his mind. It is a question of coming to terms with having two healthy children. The baby part is so short- think 3 teenagers, three lots of school trips, three lots of university fees etc.

Can't believe people are suggesting to go ahead and get pregnant!!

Op I know you are upset but reading between the lines it sounds like your dh is feeling the pinch financially and that he would like to have more freedom long term in terms of being able to do things. Having a third child changes the dynamics completely.

I'm sorry but you already have 2 healthy and happy children and a husband that loves you. I wouldn't risk that for a third child that your husband has told you he doesn't want. It wouldn't be fair on the child.

OP, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but YABU. Your husband has made his feelings clear and it's not fair to push - you'd hate it if the positions were reversed. I think you need to accept that, hard as it is for you, your family is complete.

Could you look at taking up some activities to help broaden your focus - maybe something you could do as a family to allow you to enjoy the children you have? There are other sources of happiness nd fulfilment apart from another baby and you will get past this in time.

I know Fairy, it's truly staggering. Imagine the outcry if a man put holes opin the condoms to trick his wife.

It makes me hope DS stays single as who wants to be with a person who would be that deceitful. Add in the other MN man faults where the man doesn't come home and start cleaning the house, buy good enough presents or earn enough to be a potential suitor. Who would actually want to be a man.

It is a double standard! Everyone on here would be horrified if a man was thinking of tricking a woman into having a child and yet some see it as a solution the other way around! If it is wrong for men it is wrong for women.
Count your blessings OP and think of other things to move onto in your life.

You aren't actually anymore willing to see his point of view than his is willing to see yours.
He won't go to counciling as its clear you think it will be about persuading him to change his mind rather than you learning to accept you disagree and moving on and living with it.

Your both being as selfish as each other.

You have my sympathy OP - up to a point. I also long for another child (DC2) which we are currently trying to conceive. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to feel as I do but not be able to try for another.

However, your feelings are not more important than those of your DH and because of your own longing for another child, you seem to have lost sight of that. You are slightly in denial with thinking that going into your overdraft each month is you managing ok financially. Finances will only get much worse with a third. What if it is twins? What if one of your parents falls ill and they cannot provide childcare (or simply say that actually they don't want to any more)?

I agree with Rebecca above in that your desires are not more valid than your husbands', just because they are emotional rather than financial. If you have decided that you would not leave your husband just so you can get another baby, then you need to try find a way to help yourself deal with the situation as it is, rather than constantly trying to find ways to change his mind. I hope you can work things out so both of you can be ok with the situation

We had 3 and I would have liked a fourth(I am 1 of 4), dh didnt.

I told him that I was not planning to do anything to prevent a pregnancy, if he wanted to take precautions it was his responsibility and I would not undermine that.

We still have 3dc although dh has considered another.

just to point out the obvious OP that you are VERY fortunate to have 2 children.

I think you need to ignore people suggesting that you trick your DH. It would be incredibly deceitful and selfish. I think 2 is a good number because it's important to think of the worst case scenario, if your husband got laid off, for example. It does happen; I got made redundant 7 years ago. From my own perspective, Ibonly want two because I want to focus on things for myself and my husband too, like further training, careers and just generally getting the most out of life.

He has the right to refuse another child, but he is pretty foolish to be using the withdrawal method if his feelings are so strong. I'm about to have baby number 2 and in other circumstances I would have loved more but unfortunately my body doesn't cope well with pregnancy so DP and I have made a definite decision and we will be taking permanent steps to ensure we don't conceive again. That's what you do when you don't want another child, you don't repeatedly have unprotected sex and hope you pull out in time whilst maintaining you are against another baby.

It sounds like OPs DH is already longing for a life less stretched. And since his salary is due to increase in a couple of years he can see the end in sight.

Who can blame him for not wanting to lose that?

I would hate to work full time to fulfil someone else's dream.

The fact that OPs husband is happy using the withdrawal method would make me suspect that he doesn't actually feel that strongly about having a third, that actually he doesn't want to 'try' but if it happens then cest la vie (sp??) ...if that's not the case then he is being remarkably naive.

Why should his decision trump yours? We went on to have a third. My goodness, my husband is in 7th heaven...the sweetest with our third and final blessing. You should see him, he is like butter when he holds our baby boy. And he has become an even better father in general.
You wouldn't believe how pissed off he was when I fell pregnant with no.3!! Oh boy he was not happy. Well, all that went away super quickly and he really embraced the pregnancy with me. All's well that ends well.

"Why should his decision trump yours?"

Because the change in lifestyle and family dynamics has far more implications than not having another baby. I don't understand why some people can't see that.

There is more to life than reproducing.

Anyone's heart would melt with a baby in their arms...doesn't mean they're relishing the responsibility (financial, emotional, physical) for the next twenty odd years.

True!

Ivegotthree, I hope you don't mind me saying; but you sound like a complete fool.

Don't go on the pill if you want another one, why fill your body with hormones when you would be quite happy to get pregnant. Say to him that you are not prepared to take hormonal contraception and tbh the method you are using is so unreliable you are likely to get pregnant at some stage anyway by accident.

We have got 4 DC because we thought we could afford it.Now that 3 are teens and the littlun 8, things are very tight.It is a constant struggle , we have had to swap the mortgage onto interest only.One year our only holiday was a UK camping trip although we usually have a long drive to a cheap villa/gite in Europe.Eating out en famille usually means a pizza place.I spend so much of my evenings and weekends ferrying them to and fro (no pubic transport to speak of).And we are lucky we have 2 sets of parents who will give us anything in the way of money or help if we ask
Our life would be very different if we just had 2

Chippednailvarnish : we are not being as selfish as each other - we both have different opinions on the matter, but neither of us are being selfish.

regarding the counselling, did I even say it was to try and persuade him in to another baby?? I do not think I did, I was thinking more to get over this as a couple as we are going around in circles right now with it.

also, re contraception - I said further up that I actually bought some condoms as I do not want to use the pull out method any more - it made sex crap!

Thanks again for your comments all, it has been very helpful to me!