Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

If you're being selfish (which you're not!) then your husband is being equally so. Perhaps people don't understand the desperation you are feeling. I would imagine your feelings on this subject are a lot stronger than your husbands. I don't think wanting a 3rd child is that unreasonable, its not like you want a 7th. Financially a DD3 hasn't impacted that much on us, maybe a little bit but we were never going to be rolling in it, with or without her. Does he know how much you want this? You will resent him, this is a really hard thing to accept.

It must be really upsetting. It's so very difficult when you want more children and can't have them for whatever reason. I certainly don't think either of you are wrong. The thing is you can't both have it your way and you do actually have 2 lovely children already. I'm not saying that to be unkind, I really do feel for you, but if he has made his mind up I don't think tricking him into having one is a good idea at all and I think it might be time to accept that this is it.

I only have 1, was desperate for 2 but it didn't happen for me. It was very, very upsetting and getting over it took time. I too used to feel as if my family was incomplete, and also that I was not as much of a mother as someone with lots of children. I don't feel like that now at all. I really have totally accepted things and love being a very small family of 3.

Not sure if this helps but I used to go over and over all the positives of my having only one child and I found many. In the end I actually did believe and feel certain about them. As Dd grew up and we got further away from the baby/toddler stage it got easier and easier. Now I honestly wouldn't want another even if I could (at my advanced age!).

Somebody once said to me that the difference between having two and having three is huge.

I don't know personally, but all my friends have gone for the "late thirties third" and its like an explosion has gone off in their houses. Total chaos. Older children need to be chauffered everywhere, parties, swimming etc....and Baby has just done a poosplosion and isn't sleeping through the night.

I know three would be one too much for me.

Yes please ignore the planned accident poster .

Without meaning to sound flippant and trying to be sensitive to other posters but what if the baby had a disability or needed some sort of special care? I have a child with a disability and I love her with all my heart but it is hard hard work and sometimes I feel like my other dc get shortchanged. I am also in a lot of debt and talking to other parents of children with disabilities being in a lot of debt is almost universal. I know anyone can have a child with additional needs but when you have older children it is very hard.

Will you want a fourth if you have a third?

Don't put yourself down by saying it's the only thing you're good at.

I feel really sorry for you, it must be a terrible ache feeling that your family is not complete.

I do feel a little bit that, from the information you give, you are pestering your dh a little over this. It almost comes across like a child asking a parent for something they really want. Sorry if this isn't the case.

Surely the reality is that one person can't do everything with a newborn and your dh knows this? It's not about doing everything possible to 'make his life easier' and he knows this?

Is there no way you can content yourself with the children you have?

I don't think there are any difinitive good reasons to have a baby, and no difinitive reasons not to either.

The desire for a third is not something i was able to overcome! So i sympathise.

Something as deep rooted as a longing for a/another baby is unlikely to be put to rest with thoughts about saving money, unfortunately. We will move heaven and earth for something we really really want. And we're not talking about getting a pet rabbit here. So hard though, when the thing we want so badly is part of a join decision with someone not on board.

I don't know the answer OP, sorry. Just wanted to sympathise. If you are going to try and put yourself off i would explore stronger reasons than just 'think what you'll save per month if you don't do this'. Perhaps consider the health of your marriage?

I was in the same situation as you, but eventually my husband agreed to a third child. Whilst I have never regretted that decision, I will say that 3 children are vastly more expensive than 2. Everything in this country is designed for a family of four, so with five you have to book much bigger holiday cottages, hotel rooms etc.
I would also say that this got worse as they got older. When they all started going to uni it was a nightmare. We are just coming out of nine years of funding them all through uni. At one point we had two at uni and one still at home.
If your husband feels that you can't afford them now, then you will really struggle when they get older.

Thanks everyone

if I had a third I know that will be it for me.

Fakorgasm - if I was worried about having a child with a disability I really would not have had any.

Dottytablecloth - I have been so sensitive to my husband, I rarely bring it up, maybe once every 6 months - I have suggested counselling for us, and he laughed that off.

He said the other day he does not want emotion to come before being sensible and be able be able to offer our children EVERYTHING. I do not agree that children should be spoilt, I saved for uni, travelling and my first flat - it did me no harm not to be spoilt.

We have a flat that we rent out which is for the children's future - I am sure that once (hopefully all 3) are older it would be enough for them to travel/uni or a small deposit for a property.

surely you cannot regret a child when they are here but could regret the one that is not??

thanks to all of the posters for contributing it is helping xx

LosBreakingBad : thank you that is very helpful and basically what my husband is saying.

You might be just about coping financially now, but children get a lot more expensive as they get older.
When they are 13,15 and 17 you will be tied to school hols and paying the price for 5 adults.A week in a cheapest of hotels won't give you much change out of 4 grand in the school holidays.

v tricky. I am someone who was v broody for a 3rd for several years but have now finally accepted that our family is complete

there is no right or wrong BUT having a 3rd is a major emotional and financial commitment. you have to both be on board or it will just cause a rift.

a for regrets- I think it is very possible to regret a child. your life will change massively - regardless of whether the child is healthy/happy or not. It will always be a shame that we didn't go for a 3rd one hen we could have done - but I don't regret it as such.

I also don't think that contributing to university costs and paying for a couple of holidays a year constitutes spoiling a child? Uni is so much more expensive than when we were young?

I always knew dh just wanted 2 kids, I would really like a 3rd in the future, but know that's not going to happen, as dh is as adamant as your dh he does not want another. Yes, the person who does not want a child comes first obviously.

Your dh should support you, and your decision to go to counselling, which sounds like a great idea.

I rarely bring it up, maybe once every 6 months

I wonder if your husband considers that to be 'rarely', or whether he might consider that to be quite the opposite.

He has stated his feelings, either accept them or look through your options. I do not think anyone should be pressurised into becoming a parent.

I really hope you are both able to resolve this.

I really do feel for you as years ago I felt just the same.When my youngest turned 3 I just yearned for another baby and for a time it was all I could think about. My dh just didn't want another, we had one of each and the family to him was complete. He also worried that we just couldn't afford it and if I was totally honest with myself we couldn't...but it didn't stop the longing.

It took me a few years to come to terms with it all and now they are 19 and 22 I'm glad we stuck at two. Uni fees put a new perspective on costs of bringing up children. The funny thing is that recently he said he sometimes has a pang for another....but the tables have turned and at 47 its too late and i couldn't think of anything worse!
The best thing to do is talk it through (if he's willing)..however if he really doesn't want another I can't see that there is much you can do.

tiggydiggydee thank you - I am glad you were able to move on, cannot believe your Dh had a panging! typical!!

partialderivative : he says, 'let me have a serious think and lets discuss it again in 6 months' I had realised it was now 7 months and we have been discussing it over the last week on and off (he is working away) - I am sure that he would love me to never bring it up but he is understanding and wants me to be open with my feelings - which I am!

in fact last week I had told him that I had given up and how I was going to go on the pill (we currently use the pull-out method) he then said he would have a serious think again. Last night he said a third would make him miserable - its so hard to get my head around when to me, it would make me ecstatic!

Chunderella : I couldn't agree more!!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable as such, but unfortunately I don't think you can force him into it. At the end of the day, he has stated he doesn't want a third, and you bringing it up even every six months will make him feel badgered. It may be the case of if you leave the subject for a year or so he may change his mind - my sisters partner did exactly that. But he may not at the same time.

In my relationship it is my partner who wants a baby and I do not. He has made his feelings known to me that he is ready and willing to if/when I decide I want one, and has said no more about it, which to me shows that he is willing to love me no matter what, and doesn't want to railroad me into a decision by wearing me down. I think even if he brought it up every six months then I would be quite upset tbh.

At the end of the day, I hope you and your husband reach a conclusion that makes you both happy one way or the other - he may decide he wants a third, or your longing for one may reduce.

......but I am the only one in the world that prob has used this method without any accidents (unfortunately for me!)

skittycat : thank you - I would leave it a year but I am worried about my age (36) so feel slightly pressured in that respect.

Op I realise sympathise. I was in the same situation. Dh really didn't want a third and called having another as 'going backwards' ie we d finished with babies. He was totally adamant.
It made me so sad but I didn't give up. Although I didn't badger him, I bought it up every now and then.

When dc2 was starting school and life seemed a bit more smoother, he finally agreed and is besotted with our two yr old 3rd child.

You never know, he may change his mind.