Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

My Dh didn't want a third either. In fact, he was vehemently opposed to it. He said "we have two healthy, beautiful girls, we are lucky, I'm done". He was right in a way, but I secretly wanted a little boy. I know it sound selfish, but I wanted to know what our boy would sound like, look like, take after, etc. I was 39 and knew that time was running out and it probably wouldn't happen. Dh works away and long hours and he thought he was too old to go through it all again and he was worried about the financial implications. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we did end up having number 3, our little boy and he is 3 now. He has been very easy in fact and fitted in with the girls and they mother him. It has been tough and we have had difficult times, still do, but dh refuses to believe that he didn't want a third now. Not sure why I posted this, but just to say that things can change. I didn't think we'd have our third and I had accepted it pretty much. I really don't want anymore though. I am definitely done! Good luck Op, what ever you decide

I wanted 3 too- OH was adamant that he disn't want any more. So we stopped.

And I am very glad- especially now that my kids are nearly at university age. Toddlers are very cheap to look after. Teenagers are not.

I have two friends who went for number 3 and got twins.......

Greenfizzywater, that would be one of my major concerns in this situation particularly if I had a partner that was not fully on board with a 3rd let alone a 4th too!

You are right big blue, toddlers are pretty cheap. The only things I have ever bought new for ds are shoes. Everything else is hand me downs from friends. I appreciate that they will get more expensive. Dd1 is 10 and already things are more expensive. We are ok financially, but things are tight. Hopefully things will be better in 10 years, but none of us knows the answer to that one. Who knows where we will be or what will happen in the future. As far as uni costs go, they will have to take out a student loan and get a job to finance themselves. I worked from part-time at 14 and loved the money and independence to buy my own clothes it gave me. I worked through A levels and uni and my dc will have to do the same. It's the way it is and not a bad way to go through life.

I am struggling to understand why having three children is better than having two.

More hard work, cost more, loss of freedom, sleepless nights, dealing with more illness - if one child gets chicken pox the other two are bound to follow on. You might need a bigger car. Booking holidays becomes trickier.

I can totally see why your husband isn't keen.

ihate- that is what I thought too, but times are different from when you and I were at uni. It is very difficult for a 14 year old to find work, and yes they can get student loans, but as a mother if you can help then you do.
I felt the same as you when my kids were 10. Now they are older I see things a little differently.
Accommodation is so expensive for everyone now, including students- and it will be no fun leaving Uni with a massive debt aroud the neck at at time they will want to get a foot on the housing ladder too.
Times are tough for young adults.

Whether or not to have another DC is not a decision I would ever have left up to my DH and I generally went back to work at 6 weeks max after the birth. TBH I would have gone ahead with or without him.

I have loved tha fact that having only two kids has meant I have been able to spend more time & money on them- it's shared only two ways, not three. We have been able to afford more expensive extracurricular activities, days and meals out, holidays abroad every year etc.

Hello

I was in the same boat as you, same ages and everything, and I tricked my DH into a third, and it was the best thing I've ever done.

He loves our third, is MAD about her! He was cross with me for about a year after I told him I was pg, but not marriage-threateningly so. But now he loves our youngest so much that is all forgotten.

I would say ignore the doomsayers and go ahead. I spent ages trying to persuade him and only when I realised that he wasn't budging did I decide to do what I did.

A older and wiser friend (of his) said to me 'You will never regret it if you DO have another one, but you may regret it if you don't.'

That was actually not quite true - at the beginning it was exhausting and I did occasionally think how much easier life would have been with two! But honestly it was the best thing I did - and he even admits that with a smile on his face now!

Good luck. I know where you're coming from.

"But honestly it was the best thing I did" don't let your 1st two hear you say that!!

Terrible advice. What if he realises he has been tricked, can't forgive the op's deceit and leaves?

On her own with three children, but hey, at least she has her third!

Fathers are not just sperm donors, their opinion about how big their family is gong to be is just as valid as the mother.

Oh no actually there's no favouritism bigbluestars ! Tho' I can see it looks like that! Gosh that's not what I meant at all. What I really mean is, I'm so glad I did it. Though I can appreciate to others I behaved in a shocking way. But it feels so right and bustle-y and fun.

I do agree with you bigblue, honestly I really do. I worry about the future of our dc and how they will buy a house and pay for student debt, etc. I was lucky, I was at uni in the early 90s, so still had a grant!! However, we bought our house much later than most and have a massive mortgage. On a tangent I know, but I truly think most of us are buggered financially compared with how things were 30 years ago and the future of my dc does worry me, but I know they will find a way. The country is completely shafted without young people, so they will find a way and I will help them as best I can, I hope!!

Ivegot Tricking the husband is a huge gamble. What if he decides to leave? What if he does stay but the resentment irreparably destroys the marriage?

It looks like the husband sees that there is more to life than just having children. The OP clearly doesn't.

Bunbaker I know it's a gamble, and I took a risk that I was fairly sure would work out in the end, and it did. But of course it all depends on the husband. And the family's situation.

I'm not saying what I did would be right for everyone but in our situation it was, and I wanted to put our happy (honestly - my DH loves it all even more than I do) story forward to OP.

Ivegotthree hope you don't live in Canada... OTTAWA The Supreme Court of Canada has unanimously upheld the sexual assault conviction of a Nova Scotia man who tried to trick his girlfriend into becoming pregnant by poking holes in her condoms.

area52- quite right too- it is a disgusting thing to trick someone into unwanted parenthood- man or woman.

Yes Ivegotthree.

Gamble I took as well (I wanted a 4th child)

DC4 is 11 years old now and we are a happy family of 6

3 children are way more expensive than 2. If your husband dreams of holidays etc then try finding accommodation for a family of 5 or more!

Thanks again all.,, the lady down the road also tricked her husband and they are all very happy.

I know my husband would never leave if I did that, but I am not going to do it without his blessing, it doesn't sit right with me, but I am not flaming anyone that has done it.

I am 36 now, a friend just had a baby at 39 so I think I need to knock this on the head for a bit and try to stop panicking, it's draining me x

Bunbaker: More hard work, cost more, loss of freedom, sleepless nights, dealing with more illness - if one child gets chicken pox the other two are bound to follow on. You might need a bigger car. Booking holidays becomes trickier

I guess the point is, not everyone cares about those things. We never did holiday abroad, we already had a big enough car for our third, the bigger two already had chicken pox, mine were all amazing sleepers, and I don't really understand the 'freedom' bit - I don't believe that would be coming anytime soon anyway!!

Op, I was in your shoes. Exactly the same! DH also was choosing not to use contraception (we had been using condoms), but he said afterwards that he thought I wouldn't get pregnant as I rarely ovulate due to PCOS. However I did. I wanted a third, but was really upset about it as I didn't think he did, but he was over the moon. He adores all the children and would never change how its worked out. Obviously I didn't 'engineer' the accident as contraception was in his hands at that point, and he was happy to take the risk!

Neither of us are broody now though, so we are done :-) As soon as my third was born, we felt our family was complete and have felt that way ever since.

Your DH doesn't want another child.
Your feelings are not more valid than his.

You could have another baby, if not with him someone else, but at what cost?

He doesn't want one - you need to accept this and move on.

I know I'll be on my own here but why do his wishes trump yours

err, because he doesn't want a baby!

Ideally two adults should agree that they want a baby, and he has clearly said he doesn't.

Reverse this scenario and see what the response would be if a woman didn't want one but a man did and why don't her wishes trump his!

I would say ignore the doomsayers and go ahead. I spent ages trying to persuade him and only when I realised that he wasn't budging did I decide to do what I did

What a deceitful, manipulative person you are! Hopefully you are a better mother than you are wife, or indeed person generally.