Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

[BingBong36]

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

I do not agree that children should be spoilt, I saved for uni, travelling and my first flat - it did me no harm not to be spoilt.

I don't think it's about spoiling them, it's about the reality of what it costs now. Uni accommodation about £100 per week, food and bills and equipment/books/going out on top.

I was desperate for a third child until quite recently. My DH was adamant that he didn't want any more. There were no real reasons for this, but there was no real reason why I should have another one either. I thought and still do that 3 is the better dynamic when the children are older. Both of us are one of two and it can be quite an intense dynamic.

I became pregnant ( genuinely by accident) and had a miscarriage soon afterwards. He got used to the third baby fairly quickly when I was pregnant and after the miscarriage i was desperate to be pregnant again. He still didnt want another one, after having the reality put to him, if only for a couple of weeks and being quite positive about it.

Now, I think it was probably the right decision in some ways. Because of my age, the chances of something going wrong with the baby is higher and could be really life altering for our family, and it would always be because I nagged and nagged until he caved in, not because he really wanted another child. If you both agree, then you risk the consequences, whatever they are. I'm learning to be grateful for what we have rather than wishing for something that will never be.

I still find it hard to acknowledge women who have third babies or are pregnant with their third. Im hoping it will go away soon. My 3rd would have been due this month.

fancyanotherfez : I am so very sorry to hear that, it must be a very hard time for you - hopefully you will feel better once the due date passes xx

It doesn't matter whether you disagree with his reasons, or how 'easy' you will make it for him, but bringing a life into the world is a massive thing. I think you're being unfair on him to keep pressurising him when he has made his decision, even if it is every 6 months or so. And it sounds like he's trying to be nice in not shutting the door completely. But really, he knows what you want, you know what he thinks. What is the point in carrying on discussing it? If one of you changes your mind great, but in the meantime it sounds like you're going round the same old arguments again and again, which can't be helpful for either of you.

I think counselling is a good idea, but just for you. You have such a desire for another child that it is negatively affecting the rest of your life.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill : thanks, you are right, but I am hoping for a change which is why I bring it up, I just want to keep planting the seed - its hard to bottle it up all of the time, and then I think, well why should I bottle it up and not say anything?!

DH's mum regrets not having a third child even now, his dad is just as stubborn as he is.

ahhhh its horrid!

Same situation here. I wanted 3, had always said so but DH didn't. We had two already.
We've never had that 3rd child. I found but very hard to start with and what could have helped me is if DH had been happy to listen to me saying 'I really want another one' wo taking it personally or thinking I was trying guilt trip him. Just be allowed to express my sadness.
It did feel like I was grieving fit a child that had never been conceived.

However, nearly 9 years on and I don't really regret it. Not having this child has given me more time to spend with dc2, who has been diagnosed with AS recently. It has allowed to do things 'for myself' things that I wouldn't have done otherwise, incl starting my own business, spending time developing my own spiritual life etc...
I did need time to grieve but the 'need' to have another child became less and less. And then disappeared altogether (maybe because I had gone over 40 too?).

You are me six months ago. I am currently pregnant with DC3. DH is delighted. We had bad arguments about it, crying (me) exasperation (him), frustration (both).

His POV: we have our family now, I feel I am giving our DC all I can, I can't stretch to any more.
We can't afford it.

Me: our family is not complete
we can't afford any treats anyway (I am a SAHM) so one more adds to the fun and chaos.
I want a third: I can't explain it. The same as the desire for the first creeps up on you, my desire for a third was just as strong.

Sooo after a few months of arguing I left it. Then, I said "I have stopped working, I have focussed on the babies, I have said goodbye to a lucrative and rewarding career to give the girls a great start. I understand your position but I can't look back at this huge sacrifice and feel like I didn't do what I wanted to in terms of family. This is what I want, there is no compromise and I understand that: but do me the courtesy of considering it..."

then we didn't start trying but we stopped using condoms - I started taking folic acid. Bingo.

The idea of 'trying' scared him. If I had said "tonights the night! I will be pregnant next month" he would have been overwhelmed. But a gradual and kind of "lets see" worked for us.

Lets face facts: your husband is in the right here! Financially you would be better off with 2. The planet is better with only 2, your marriage, your holiday amount of sleep etc etc who in their right minds would do it again?? so you have to make him respect your emotions: don't argue facts. You won't win!

Good luck, I felt very desperate when I thought that was it for me. I feel for you.

Of course you shouldn't bottle feelings up, but you say that when you do discuss it you end up in a state. It doesn't sound like it's helping you at the moment. Wouldn't you rather try and sort out these feelings so you have more contentment with your current situation? That doesn't mean your desire will go away, but you may be able to process it better.

As plenty of other people have said, it's hard and there are no winners.

Why haven't you gone for counselling yourself? In your H's position I would view a suggestion of couples counselling as yet another attempt at changing my mind. Be honest, apart from agreeing to a third, what could he say or do that would diminish your desperation?

A lot of your arguments appear to dismiss your H's parenting role but yet you state he's hands on and prefers spending time with his family. You make it sound that he'd hardly notice a third, which is either sad or disingenuous.

Desperation is not an excuse to diminish the incredible emotional and financial impact that having a third would have on your family.

You can't plant a seed in concrete, OP.

NancyRaygun : congratulations!! that is lovely to hear - most people I know have eventually convinced their husbands but I am not 100% I will be that successful.

Isetan: am really not sure if a counsellor would be any good for me, I feel couples counselling may be best - but he wont come I doubt!

whatsthatcomingoverthehill : thanks

I do try and accept what I have and then all of a sudden someone will announce they are pregnant with their third and I spend the next week in bits with Dh getting pissed off with me

I wish I could look into the future - I literally feel like I am living in limbo and it is such a horrible place to be.

If he's stubborn, continually trying to plant the seed will make him resolutely reject the idea.

I do that. It's a trait us stubborn people have in common. Nag me, and my heels dig in. I can't help it.

Counselling for you would be to work through the urge, and see past it.

Couples counselling would be to convince your DH to have a third.

That's why he won't go, and that's why you don't want to go to individual counselling. Which is your prerogative, but if you want to stop hurting, it might be worth a try.

Thanks

I think when I mentioned counselling he kind of laughed it off a bit as being OTT, I haven't mentioned it for a while now.

hmmmm so how do I deal with a stubborn man, if I nag he will dig his heels in as InfinitySeven said, if I say nothing I will end up 40 before I know it and still have no 3rd child.

Its a lost cause, I suppose I have to just have to bloody well give up!! but then I want to fight for something/someone... it really is a vicious circle.

You are not living within your means now; how on earth do you think it will be easier with a third child on the scene? Also; one of your reasons for wanting another baby is I love having children, it really is the only thing I'm good at...
That is an insane reason to keep having "just one more". Because you will be in exactly the same place mentally when the hypothetical third (or fourth or fifth) child reaches school age. You need to be able to find fulfilment elsewhere.

Bing would you split up your family for another baby?

You can't force your husband to have one, so he won't be. He seems resolute in that. So if you want another baby, it'll have to be with someone else.

In those terms, what do you want more? What do you value more?

You'll make this a lot easier on yourself if you stop thinking of him as someone whose mind you can change, who isn't decided.

we are not rolling in it and things can be tight but...

we have a lot of equity in a flat we own

my husband's salary will be going up quite significantly in a couple of years time

I am comfortable and happy in the position we are in - my DH wants to be able to shop in Reiss, have 3-4 holidays a year abroad, go on boys weekends away, buy a camper van etc... all of which are out of our reach with just the two kids anyway and none of which I am bothered about as it is all very materialistic to me.

InfinitySeven - the answer is I def would not split family up for another baby, I realise that I would literally be persuading him in to something he is against - BUT, will he really look at another child and think 'I wish I never had you'? I don't think so.

This is quite an emotive subject. I have two DC (and am finished) while DH would be happy to have a third.

I remember when DD was born, being really jealous of women who had a 6 year old and a 4 year and were able to talk to their kids about ordinary things, everyone could walk and use a bike, they could eat out and the kids could stay up a bit late without the world ending, going to visit people wasn't the giant hassle it was for me with a baby and a toddler.

Perhaps, one of the things that may help is to focus on the family that you have and the things you can do together. DD has now turned one and nothing would make me want to go back to that newborn stage.

That is irrelevant.

You need to be able to respect his decision, as he does yours.

So if your need for a baby overrides him, then you deserve to be able to go and find someone else to have another baby with.

But it works the other way, too. You have to respect that he does not want another child. He is happy with the family the way it is. You can't hope to persuade him otherwise, to convince him that it's the right thing to do. At the end of the day, all you'll ever be able to do is make him feel coerced into it, and you'll live always knowing that.

You can never know that he won't regret it. Some people do, although it's rarely talked about. I can say for an absolute fact that my dad didn't want me. There are threads on here where people admit that they would have been happier without children, or a specific child, and they wish they could wind back the clock. It happens, and it is a very real possibility that if you force your husband to have a child that he doesn't want, that you could end up in that situation.

I understand that it's an emotional urge. I get that it's very difficult to ignore. But I really think the only way you can move forward is to accept that you can't change his mind, and seek counselling. They'll either help you to ignore the urge and focus on the family that you do have, or they'll show you that you can't, and you can reevaluate. But you'll have done as much as you can to preserve your family in it's current form.

You have to be really careful that your primal longing doesn't make him resent you, or ruin what you have.

I have got one DS who is 7 months old. Me and DH always said we'd only ever have one but a few months ago I started feeling a bit down about this decision. I spoke to him about and he was adamant he didn't want a second. I kept bringing it up and giving all my reasons why I wanted another (which In hindsight were selfish) and eventually he said, "So what you're basically saying is that if you want another then we're having one?!" It was then that I realised that although he probably would do it for me, why on earth would I want to bring a baby into the world that isn't really, really wanted by one of us. I'm sure DH would be a brilliant dad to number two but I would always be wondering if he saw No2 as something that was forced upon him and always bear some resentment. Our DS was a very much wanted and planned for as he is our world, I can't even bear to think about me forcing DH into letting me have another and then No2 always feeling or knowing he wasn't wanted like DS was.

I don't know if my DH will want another in a few years time, the ball is in his court. I no longer mention having a second and I have made peace with the fact that it will probably never happen.

From what you've said he wants things - holidays, cash to spend on nice clothes etc - that you don't have now. To me this sounds like he's not happy with your current lifestyle not just with the idea of another child. I'd be worried about that.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

I sent a rather shitty text this morning as the other week I said I would like a pet (the baby thing had not been discussed for 7 months at that point) and even that was a no so I do feel a bit fecked off at the moment that he gets to make all these decisions and I am supposed to lump it - I sound a little bitter I know.

I will just have to see what happens in the future and hope that he may suddenly have a change of heart - his good friend is due a 3rd baby soon so I hope that may help!

Chunderella - if I am not allowed a couple of rabbits for myself and the kids I really feel this is totally unreasonable!!

the bike thing was just a passing comment to give an example of what he wants but we cannot afford. He will not actually buy it - but as mentioned, why on earth does someone want another bike when they have a very expensive one in the shed!