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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to nag my friend to give her pets away?

217 replies

RoseMask · 03/11/2014 02:18

Ok, so back story quickly. . My friend has 4 DD's ranging from 2-10. She is a good mum, not denying she is there for her kids as much as she can be. But I feel their lives are kinda ruined by her obsession with pets. I'm all up for having animals, of course I am, but this obsession I feel is affecting the kids. Their back garden is now just a dog run. Everything evolves around the animals, money etc. says she cant buy them clothes but can buy a £45 dog house that day kids don't have the best clothes, or the best shoes. They sleep in beds where the dogs have been sleeping or the cats. There is hair everywhere in the food, on the cooker, on the sinks. The smell of dog poo is beyond a joke in their house if their back windows are open. In total there are 13 'furry-ish animals' I hate going round there because they are just everywhere. Literally. Every room you go into, and its not like they are laid back type of animals. I just feel bad saying to her that there are to many, and that the kids should come before the animals. That even though she loves the animals, the kids don't, and when she has a sh*t fit, its always about the animals and I feel she isn't coping well with all of them but makes out she is, if that makes sense? I know the kids don't like them, because they have told me outright. Some of the pets she has, I was like WTF?! Why? She thinks I'm being ridiculous and that they are her pets, she would never get rid of them but sometimes I just question how many are to many? Especially when the kids have to help out with them when they don't want to. I think what annoys me the most, is that because she is on benefits, every penny for the children goes onto these animals. Nearly £1500 of that on a dog. Hmm But the kids don't get much! God, I sound awful moaning don't I? But I just feel for the kids sake, surely this is to much for them? Lost count how many times one dog has poo'd on the kids bed. Or how many of the kids quilts have turned into dog beds. Or how many toys have been destroyed in the process. But sometimes I feel IABU!! Because it is her life, and her money and her house, but I just Arrgghh!
I know my friends sister goes round alot, and she has said that she doesn't understand why her sister wants all the animals, but is worried to say anything because her sister gets on the defensive and I know that the sister does have my friends DD's alot for her. So doesn't want any problems to stop that from happening. But surely if the sister can see theres a problem, then it isn't just me? I just hate going on Facebook and seeing my friend upload a new picture of another pet she has.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/11/2014 17:31

Benefits are allowing her to have no personal responsibility for her choices.

What a ridiculous thing to say! Do you know why she is on her own with 4 kids? No and yet you judge her based on the fact that she gets benefits. It could be that she is on the very many MNers that find themselves dumped by their H with too many kids to be able to afford to work and cover childcare because he isnt contributing. That is a far more likely a scenario as she humped her way around town getting pg to get the benefits!

She has issues, that much is clear. Whether it is out and out selfishness or genuine MH problems we dont know, but that would be the same if she was earning £150,00 pa net as it is in her current situation. But hey, dont let that stop you frothing at her receiving benefits.

Mrsjayy · 03/11/2014 17:41

Op you did the right thing for her and her children

Downamongtherednecks · 03/11/2014 18:02

OP I am sure it was hard to call SS, but it was for the best for the dc AND the animals. Hoarding animals can be symptomatic of mental disorders, especially when she isn't really caring for them anyway. I agree the child benefit and tax credits are for the dc, not for the fur-babies (wince) and the fact that she doesn't see this suggests she really isn't making good choices, or coping very well.

frumpet · 03/11/2014 18:20

rosemask is she in social housing ? a quick call to them about the number of animals in the house , will mean that she will probably have to get rid of quite a number of the animals . I know that is harsh but it is what needs to happen .

raltheraffe · 03/11/2014 18:28

I was on incapacity benefit for 2 years as I was very unwell and could not work. As soon as I got well I got a job.

I do not have an issue with people using benefits if they are temporarily out of a job, or too disabled to work.

I have an issue with someone who has decided to have not 1, not 2 but 4 kids that they are not paying for out of a wage. It is taking the piss out of a system which is there to support people in genuine need.

poolomoomon · 03/11/2014 18:28

I had a friend like this growing up. Her mum worked for the RSPCA and she couldn't stand to see healthy animals being put down because they couldn't find homes for them so she'd bring them home instead. They lived in a really really small house, had 7-10 cats depending on deaths and so on that weren't allowed out of the house incase they ran away or got run over. They had a bunch of rabbits in the back garden, two big dogs that had to live in the super small kitchen/garden so they didn't go near the beloved cats... And my friends sister had chinchillas in her bedroom too Shock. It was AWFUL, the house STUNK of cat piss and shit. The mum definitely cared about the animals more than her DDs for sure, everything revolved around those god damn animals. It was always "no I can't afford that, need food for the animals!" And a massive panic every time you went in or out of the house incase a cat got out. Just cats fucking everywhere. Hated staying there, cats pouncing on you in the middle of the bloody night and that stench was unbearable. Litter trays were right outside the bedrooms as well .

ANYWAY! I know my friend hated it. I can tell your friends DC aren't fond of them either. SS don't just waltz in, take a look and take the children away. It takes a lot to remove children from their biological families. They'd help her out, tell her what she has to do to improve and offer some support. I think a call to the RSPCA wouldn't harm either, it can't be healthy for the animals too. It's all anonymous, she won't know it's you that dunnit. I think you'd be doing the best thing by everyone if I'm honest, I honestly think it's a form of hoarding.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/11/2014 18:34

I totally agree raltbraffe totally

EEVEElution · 03/11/2014 18:41

You definitely did the right thing, hopefully something official from SS will give her a kick up the bum to do something about it.

Sallystyle · 03/11/2014 18:45

I have a lot of animals.. three dogs, three indoor cats, and three rats.

However, they are not allowed on the kids beds, they poo outside and my house is clean and everyone is fed well and clothed well, and they are well trained. (The dogs, not the children)

I am glad you called, you did the right thing.

But looks like this is heading quickly to a debate on benefits, which really isn't the point of this thread.

Bogeyface · 03/11/2014 19:09

I have an issue with someone who has decided to have not 1, not 2 but 4 kids that they are not paying for out of a wage. It is taking the piss out of a system which is there to support people in genuine need.

And you know that she did this do you? How? The OP hasnt said that she deliberately had 4 kids she wasnt going to pay for, she could have ended up like that through marriage breakdown.

Massive assumptions being made on the basis of no evidence, but then thats never stopped the benefit bashers before, why would it now?

raltheraffe · 03/11/2014 19:15

or she could have lost her job at Goldman Sachs in the banking crisis...

handcream · 03/11/2014 19:32

I bet she hadn't lost her job at a banking firm, and the op says fathers so clearly her judgement isn't great. She also had kids young.

As I said before she had choices.

Bogeyface · 03/11/2014 19:39

I would say "Fathers" because I have been married more than once and have children by 2 different fathers, as have many other women on MN. I had my eldest 2 children young too. We spent 16 months on benefits because H was made redundant and then only survived NMW thanks to CTC top ups, so I suppose you were paying for my choices, do you judge me?

But hey, feel free to judge her based absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of her circumstances so that you can feel better about your own choices.

handcream · 03/11/2014 19:42

Sorry, I do judge people who have 4 kids, stay on benefits and then take on animals and live in a pig sty expecting their kids to help with my choices in life.

Bogeyface · 03/11/2014 19:44

Even if she is mentally ill which hoarding is a symptom of? Nice!

Rollontome · 03/11/2014 19:54

I don't agree with benefit bashing but I think it's safe to say that there's not a chance in hell she ever worked for Goldman Sachs. If she did she'd be living off investments or working even if only part time or from home. Anybody with marketable skills is better off working, no sane person would choose benefits and if you have skills, health and experience, you have choice.

This has nothing to do with benefits though. It's about a selfish mother who makes her children sleep in shit filled beds with animals, makes them take care of those animals and deprives them of food options, clothes and shoes so she can afford these animals.

She'd still be a bad mother if she did that while working for Goldman Sachs.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/11/2014 19:55

Yup!

"I am glad you called, you did the right thing.

But looks like this is heading quickly to a debate on benefits, which really isn't the point of this thread."

TeaForTara · 03/11/2014 20:07

OP, well done for reporting it - I imagine it was very difficult for you to do that. I hope that your friend can now get the help that she so obviously needs, and that you will be there to support her through it; you sound like a very caring person. Perhaps you could encourage the older children to talk to their welfare officers / counsellors at school about it, to get them some direct support too?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/11/2014 20:19

Well done op for reporting this, you have done the right thing.

raltheraffe · 03/11/2014 21:02

I was being sarcastic about Goldman Sachs.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/11/2014 21:19

You did the right thing op

Animals like to he clean. Living surrounded by shit with nowhere clean to go will be beyond stressful for all of them. The poor kids must stink. I'm. Surprised school or nursery haven't noticed already.

Everyone sounds miserable. Pets and people.

The health risks are immense. Birds have very fragile lungs. As do children and the ammonia and dust can't he doing any of them. Any good. Not to mention .worms and fleas and tics and whatever else those animals must be suffering from.

No one should have to live like that. Some of those animals need go be re homed.

gentlehoney · 03/11/2014 21:42

Where did this idea of the children sleeping in dogshit came from?

The OP said that ONE dog did it in the children's beds but she didnt say her friend made them SLEEP in it.
Presumably, like everybody else with an elderly incontinent pet or young pup/kitten she WASHES the bedding?

The situation sounds less than ideal but lets not imagine things that (as far as we know) haven't happened.

It sounds like she just needs a bit of help and advice, and I hope her friends give her plenty of support.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 03/11/2014 22:08

But the fact there is bird shit all over the house, has been mentioned more than once!

raltheraffe · 03/11/2014 22:18

I have 2 dogs and recently lost my senior rescue dog. The senior dog struggled in her last few months due to dementia and sometimes urinated on the floor. This dog was not allowed in my son's bedroom as she was having accidents. Just kept the door shut and kept the senior dog downstairs away from the bedrooms.
The problem here is this woman has 6 dogs. I love dogs and before I had my son I used to foster and rehabilitate dogs with behavioural issues. I would love to do this now, but these types of dogs would not mix well with children. The most dogs I ever had at once was 5. It was too many. I did not feel that I was looking after them all properly, but 2 were fosters so they went back to rescue. I was a dedicated committed dog owner/fosterer. They went several walks a day, training classes, dog psychologists, they had the lot.
I could not manage 5 dogs as a woman with no kids. 6 dogs and 4 kids is impossible, without throwing the other animals into the mix.
This woman clearly has a hoarding issue which needs dealing with. It may be a symptom of other underlying MH issues. In cases such as this SS and RSPCA are the best people to handle it. SS will insist this woman engages with mental health services and will probably make her sign a written agreement to rehome several of these pets.

Got99problems · 03/11/2014 22:19

Well done OP, you did the right thing.

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