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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

238 replies

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 05:28

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. Confused The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me Confused

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 01/11/2014 15:17

Stop thinking about this man and concentrate on your work! Do you realise all this angst is because he didn't thank you for some factual emails? Can't you see how completely ludicrous that is? I'm sorry, I don't want to be unkind, but your tunnel viaion is so frustrating!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 15:17

Emerald... my spidey senses tell me that this really is the 'tip of the iceberg'. What have you done?

mynewpassion · 01/11/2014 15:20

What else have you done?

Gruntfuttock · 01/11/2014 15:21

"What this thread is done is actually make me feel even worse because now I am regretting sending that email (even though I was genuinely only trying to help- not trying to sabotage anyone or fish for praise)

I now feel entirely responsible for the ruin of the one positive thing I had at work."

"Emerald* please try very very hard to get a bleepin' grip. I'm sure he won't remember seeing that email by now. You gave him info. That's it. Dealt with and forgotten.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 01/11/2014 15:23

You haven't ruined anything but your responses and the importance you're placing on this are disproportionate.

Best thing to do? Just get on with your job.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 01/11/2014 15:25

Don't feel terrible, just put it right from now on (by not contacting him).

I sent an email last week which would have been better unsent. You can't undo time, and people move on very quickly- he'll have 101 other things to do and unless you do anything alarming, you will just fall off the radar- for now. If you then get to work together again, you can do so knowing you have behaved professionally.

He may even contact you himself at some point for a catch up- if so, again, be professional, talk about what he asked you, and be friendly. But then leave it at that.

I think you have had a very hard time at work, and I suspect at home, and have fixated him a bit- time to step back and away, no 'repairing', no just alerting him to anything. If he wants you to take on this role, he'll let you know.

emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 15:25

If your perceived relationship with Paul is "the one positive thing I had at work", then I think you need to look for another job.

You have admitted in that one phrase alone how over invested, blinkered, and clingy towards Paul you have become. He praised your work and made others realise you were doing a good job, he encouraged you and shared knowledge with you to enable you to do a better job, that is all, and it is all any decent manager would do, that's it, there is no relationship.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:25

Right, rolling my eyes here. "What else have I done?" Well, I've just had lunch.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 01/11/2014 15:26

Your inappropriate way of thinking is betrayed every time you talk about "ending it".

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 15:28

I asked because you lurch from distraught to flippant and back again...

Perhaps don't post on the thread if it's boring you now...

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:28

"Don't feel terrible, just put it right from now on (by not contacting him).

I sent an email last week which would have been better unsent. You can't undo time, and people move on very quickly- he'll have 101 other things to do and unless you do anything alarming, you will just fall off the radar- for now. If you then get to work together again, you can do so knowing you have behaved professionally.

He may even contact you himself at some point for a catch up- if so, again, be professional, talk about what he asked you, and be friendly. But then leave it at that.

I think you have had a very hard time at work, and I suspect at home, and have fixated him a bit- time to step back and away, no 'repairing', no just alerting him to anything. If he wants you to take on this role, he'll let you know."

This makes sense. Thank you

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 01/11/2014 15:30

You haven't 'ruined' anything, your professional relationship with him was clearly winding down anyway.

Look, don't worry - he'll forget about it within days if you don't do anything else that irritates him. Just leave it, and be normally pleasant and professional if you come into contact with him.

CinnabarRed · 01/11/2014 15:31

I mean this kindly - but the very best thing to do is leave him alone. There is nothing you can do that won't look strange.

chopinbabe · 01/11/2014 15:36

Do you have romantic feelings towards him?

emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 15:38

Train Anna to do the job as well as you did (proviso that she is capable of doing the role), remember that she may work differently to you and that is not necessarily wrong. Take the way Paul praised and encouraged you as an example and do the same for Anna.

McGlashan · 01/11/2014 15:53

Everything about this thread is disproportionate. The guy you emailed could just have been unbelievably busy and focused on something else. Emails that weren't top priority just weren't replied to- not intended as an intentionial slight or infering you are a crazy clingy loon. I have done this before- normally I would reply to someone to say thanks but when something important is happening I have been known to read email, take the info in and not reply even if I mean to.

You need to lower your expectations of your relationship with this person because your reaction to a couple of unanswered emails has been a little bit extreme. It has been disappointing for you but just readjust and carry on as before.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/11/2014 16:07

All of your posts on this thread OP sound like an over analytical 14 year old who doesn't understand why their favourite teacher hasn't given her an A+ in their subject. Grow up before you completely scupper yourself.

fluffling · 01/11/2014 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 16:12

To clarify, the info I sent him was only of interest to him and wouldn't have been to my direct manager. So no point emailing her about it- she can't do anything with it.

And I have asked Anna to "fix it". She simply doesn't.

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 01/11/2014 16:16

The way you keep repeating I never told on her is a giveaway: you seem to regard this all as a playground childish thing.

If you are training your replacement, then what you do is check her work. If it's not done correctly, you send it back & point out her error and ask her to redo it, correctly. If it's a time-sensitive thing, you go top her desk/office, point it out, and say that you'll do it together, so that next time, she'll know how to do it herself.

You don't send an email to your line manager's manager.

Kewcumber's post at 14:29 is very perceptive and helpful. The way I'm reading you, you sound quite unprofessional and childish. Sorry.

UptheChimney · 01/11/2014 16:24

but I don't feel happy leavings things on such a weird note

It's this perception which is weird. He has simply not answered your emails. Nothing more.

You really seem to be thinking of this as a personal relationship, not a professional one.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 16:28

I give up.

He is NOT my line managers manager

OP posts:
Ilovenicesoap · 01/11/2014 16:30

So you are training his person, they aren't doing their job properly so you don't contact your/her line manager but go to someone no longer associated with your team Confused

You are handling this really badly and need a wake up call.
I suspect that if you carry on you may be about to get one.

UptheChimney · 01/11/2014 16:30

That detail is actually not really all that relevant. You're still going over your line manager's head, and not training your successor effectively.

addictedtobass · 01/11/2014 16:31

Definitely step back OP, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and as you can see from this thread your emailing could be interpreted in different ways. Your intention doesn't matter at all to this man, just your actions and his interpretation of them. If he still wants a professional relationship then let him come to you as and when the work dictates.

If you need to contact this man for work that's directly yours then do it, otherwise let him contact you if he wants to. Otherwise without a response, you're just emailing into empty space and ears and possibly making him less inclined to respond.