AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

[EmeraldPeepers]

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

Does it matter? You're confused - that's because you are over-invested and unable to shrug it off as most people would. He finds this interaction uncomfortable now. You're overstepping parameters and if you are as ardent at work as your explanations are here then I can quite see why he's distancing himself from you.

I expect you'll be pondering this until Monday by which time you will have worked yourself up and will be gauche enough to contact him to ask why he's 'ignoring you'. I'm imploring you not to keep pecking away at this.

You might be just venting here and that's fine if it's the case but your actual actions, as you've described, are overbearing and fawning. Don't think that people don't notice this in a heightened work atmosphere. You're doing yourself no favours at all if you carry on. You're coming across as some kind of bouncy, bounding can't-stop-himself-from-wanting-to-play LABRADOR.

Look - you have no ongoing responsibility to him. You are undermining her and not giving her opportunities to shape up. Leave it.

To you it was an easy friendship at a time you needed it, to him it was a business relationship. He might be a lot more cautious in the future with other people who could have benefited from his support, so please let it go.
You are right, it sounds odd that you have invested so much into this.

^Is he thinking 'When is she going to stop this? Is she ever going to stop? What should I do?
I know, if I ignore the problem, it will go away.^

Right, so why be encouraging and even grateful on all the previous occasions then? It isn't that hard for him to have just said "thanks, but let the new girl deal with this from now on" or something similar they very first time I stepped in.

Emerald... I've just seen your last response. Why are you checking how soon she responded? What is wrong with you?

Butt out now or find yourself the subject of a grievance, possibly from both of them.

by which time you will have worked yourself up and will be gauche enough to contact him to ask why he's 'ignoring you'.

Absolutely not

Please don't jump to such extreme conclusions about me.

I was only trying to help and I have been encouraged to do so by him on previous occasions.

I am not an idiot and I know this is a professional relationship. Under no circumstances will I ask him why he is 'ignoring me'.

You couldn't e-mail her, slip a note across the desk, give her a nod to follow you into the kitchen and tell her?

As a manager, being contacted about this kind of thing...

First time - Oh thanks, that's really helpful (making a mental note to keep an eye on new employee).

Second time - Ok, thank you for letting me know (thinking new employee may need more time/training - you said yourself in your OP that training was rubbish - start putting new procedures/training in place, etc).

Third time - For fucks sake, has Emerald got some kind of beef with new employee? She clearly hasn't got enough of her own work to do if she's got time to do this? This isn't her job any more, why is she sticking her nose in? We've had a good working relationship up until now but she's overstepping the mark. I'll let it go this time and ignore her, hopefully she'll get the hint.

I think if you persist with this, you'll find yourself getting called in for some kind of meeting and quite possibly the subject of a grievance.

'Right, so why be encouraging and even grateful on all the previous occasions then?'

Are you this intense in all your relationships?
Then email him, ask him why he's ignoring you, bake him a cake and ask him what you didd wrong, how you can make it up to him and what must you do to fix your friendship.

He'll either ignore it, or eat the cake and say 'What friendship?'

Emerald... He shouldn't NEED to say 'let new girl deal with it now', to most people it's obvious. Why do you need a special invitation to back off?

You're clinging and being terribly needy. Why have you put this man on a pedestal? He helped you when you needed it - you now don't - he doesn't see your working relationship in the same way that you do and he doesn't want it. What more do you need to know and what will it take for you to stop this unprofessional behaviour?

Maybe he's off sick. Half the people in our place have had some kind of bug in the last few weeks.

Emerald... I've just seen your last response. Why are you checking how soon she responded? What is wrong with you?

Please read my earlier posts. I mentioned this was a time sensitive issue. The last time she forgot about it, I emailed her to remind her. The fact that she responded approximately three hours later means that by that time it was too late to fix what had been neglected.

This is why I don't usually email her as she tends not to check her emails.

Going to her desk and telling her would have been best but it would have gotten her into trouble as the boss sits next to her. Pardon me for trying to prevent her from being shouted on.

Did he have romantic designs on you?

I think there will be a reason for his lack of response that has NOTHING to do with you. It could be as simple as a computer problem (not seeing your messages), or a problem at home, or a work issue that is taking up all his time. You really value this work support and are spinning out of control at the thought of it being retracted. I expect he will respond later apologising for the delay and you will feel a massive sense of relief and embarrassment at your panic. You, quite simply, are me

Did he have romantic designs on you?

I get the feeling you feel a personal connection to this man. It happens. But you risk making a fool of yourself if you pursue this perceived slight. Stop emailing him and focus on your new role. His silence should be taken as a subtle hint. Push him further and you risk being humiliated.

Emerald... I did read all of your posts, twice, in disbelief.

If this was a time sensitive thing that she left too late then it was up to her boss to fix that, not you. You'd already pointed out to her and she'd let it slip again.

You wouldn't tell her at her desk or slip at note as CleanLines suggested so you told her boss (so as not to get her in trouble). Did I miss anything?

If it were that time sensitive, urgent and important then one slip would have been enough to fix it - boss/employee would have worked out a system, without your help/interference. You are encroaching on their working relationship and that is for your own reasons, nothing to do with being helpful so much as wanting to keep contact with this man.

You've latched onto this man, he doesn't want you to latch onto him and I think CleanLines has nailed it with the 1-2-3 thought process.

Please do not get yourself on anybody's 'radar' because it will, I suspect, hit you very hard and you seem emotional enough about this as it is.

Reading through this I think you need to get on with your own job. There are a couple of managers on this post said they would respond as your old manager did.

I can't understand why you are looking at her work. Maybe he thinks the same and wants you to concentrate on your job. Maybe he is focused on supporting new employee.

My overriding thought it back away no one seems to want you checking up on your old job

So you felt you couldn't email her. I don't agree - it's her look out, not yours - but accepting your viewpoint, my next question is: Why couldn't you slip a note to her? No-one would ignore that.

Unless, of course, he had already told her to prioritise something else

In real life and especially at work people will never, ever say 'I'm stepping back from our relationship now because it's beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.' They just won't. He's made it clear what he's doing - still being friendly to you, but not engaging on certain issues. You'll just have to take the hint, however painful.

Also - how much is this product really your business any more? Is it explicitly part of your role to spot mistakes your colleague has made and point them out to the director? If not, just leave it. If she can't be bothered and makes mistakes it will come down on her head and that's how it should be.

I slightly wonder if you're over-invested in this product BECAUSE the director is responsible for it...? Do you see it as a way of keeping your relationship with him going?

BTW - I am a senior level manager, and would not be pleased with the way you are handling this - I would see it as interfering rather than helpful.

You wouldn't tell her at her desk or slip at note as CleanLines suggested so you told her boss (so as not to get her in trouble). Did I miss anything?

You did actually. For someone who has read my posts twice you should know that he is NOT her boss. He is very senior but in a different department and we all handle certain things for him. He is not our 'boss'.

Her boss is our manager who sits right next to her and looks for excuses to shout at all of us. So yes, telling our manager would have gotten her into trouble.

Sorry but the idea of 'slipping someone a note' didn't really even strike me.

I understand where you are coming from but you are jumping to too many conclusions and being needlessly harsh. And it doesn't appear as though you have actually read my posts twice as you claim to have done.

CinnabarRed
Unless, of course, he had already told her to prioritise something else

He's not her manager, he doesn't have the authority to do that.

You are over-invested.

I know that you think he encouraged you. Maybe he did. Maybe if he'd ignored you completely when you first moved, this wouldn't be an issue now, but he tried to help you settle by not withdrawing completely until you'd had time to settle.

His motives are irrelevant, now. What matters is that he does not want to continue this working relationship, and he's made that perfectly clear. So you need to pull yourself together over the weekend, and not contact him again. I know that you wanted to continue this working relationship, but he does not.

It's tough, I get that. You sound completely rejected, and very hurt. But you need to treat this as the end. He helped you when he could, and you worked well together for a time. But it's finished now, so you need to focus on moving forward.

BTW - I am a senior level manager, and would not be pleased with the way you are handling this - I would see it as interfering rather than helpful.

Fair enough. But why would you then encourage it on at least a dozen prior occasions and then suddenly ignore it?

He is also then within his rights to openly tell me to mind my own business. Why didn't he?

I'd rather someone told me what they felt outright rather than ignore me when all I was doing from my POV is to just give a helpful heads up.

Ahh the usual situation in AIBU.

Yes you are because of this and this and this.

No I'm not

Yes, YABU and misreading the situation, this is what you could have done.

NoNoNoNo. You are all wrong.

Thread ends. Sometimes the OP flounces.