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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

238 replies

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 05:28

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. Confused The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me Confused

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 14:35

CinnebarRed showed up upthread, Emerald how your e-mails would be interpreted by most managers. The context is there and it's obvious, even if it isn't explicitly spelled out.

If you don't realise that then I wonder how many other e-mails you've sent at work that also 'don't spell out' things but are implied anyway? Confused

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 14:35

"Saving" people from their own incompetence is a big mistake, they need to either learn or leave. Swooping to the rescue is a but school girlish and runs the risk of making you look unable to train or manage people well.

Ok. I understand this and will not try to protect her anymore.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/11/2014 14:37

I have been a finance director. I know who is supposed to be reporting what to me. If I didn't get it from them I would be asking why not. It is not necessarily the tone of your email that was inappropriate (how on earth would we know) - it was the fact that it came from you and not who it was supposed to that has alarm bells ringing in my head.

If it is so time critical that it had to be acted on within 3 hours - I would be massively unhappy that the normal systems had not picked it up.

CinnabarRed · 01/11/2014 14:38

Kewcumber speaks a lot of sense - especially about how to deal with Anna's incompetence.

BTW, I'm offended you didn't PM me Wink!

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 14:39

If you don't realise that then I wonder how many other e-mails you've sent at work that also 'don't spell out' things but are implied anyway?

No, I acknowledge that my email could have been interpreted in a different way.

But there was nothing in the language or intent that was unprofessional or hysterical or emotional as has been implied.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 01/11/2014 14:40

I thought you did say that there was a possibility that you may be moved back to the original product at some point therefore assumed you may be working more directly for him again at some point. Sorry if I got that wrong but it doesn't change my basic advice to back off completely.

if your life outside work isn't fulfilling I really strongly suggest that you think about what you would enjoy and look after yourself more.
You sound very angry and frustrated in some of your replies and I do think people are genuinely trying to be helpful.

CinnabarRed · 01/11/2014 14:40

Also, I'm concerned that your shouty supervisor isn't particularly competent either. Or professional herself. We might be able to offer suggestions for managing her. Does your firm have a separate HR function?

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 14:49

Oh I don't want to make my life complicated by going to HR about her. I don't feel strong enough to do that right now.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 01/11/2014 14:51

Again, fair enough. I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.

emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 14:56

Emerald if I had received your e-mail about the time critical item that was about to be missed, this would have been my reaction

"Why is Emerald telling me this, has she flagged it to Anna and/or their immediate Line Manager and if not why not?"

As you are responsible for Anna's training in your old role, I would question whether you are training her properly.

Also, whether you can see it or not you are 'telling tales out of school', Paul will be well aware who you meant had failed to spot the deadline, but in my opinion this reflects badly on you not Anna.

It all sounds to me as if you are saying to Paul "look how good I am at my old job, I should never have been moved, I can do it so much better than her".

My advice to you is

Train Anna properly and appropriately, document the training you do, discuss any issues with Anna's performance with her Line Manager.

Stick to the hierarchy of the workplace whatever you think of it, going round it will do you no favours whatsoever.

Be professional.

Remember that the manner in which Anna does her job will reflect on the training she has received from you.

If you have issues/concerns with the Line Manager take them up separately with HR.

Get your head down, do the work required of you in both training Anna and your new role, make sure the work you do is beyond reproach and leave work at work.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:02

Going forward, I am not going to contact Paul unless circumstances absolutely require that I do (eg; Anna being on holiday or my manger asks me to).

I will also not try and protect Anna and let her learn from her own mistakes.

Is there some further damage control that I can do to salvage this work relationship?

Also, is there any way in which I can end up in trouble now over what has happened?

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 01/11/2014 15:02

Read the whole thread. Really great advice from senior mgmt posters that the OP seems reluctant to take on board. Her way and thinking is more right than the experts even though she panders to us.

if you are still training her and she is messing up, you need to do a better job. Its a reflection on you and the line boss.

Does anyone have alarm bells ringing about the OP wanting more than a professional relationship? It could be just me reading too much Mumsnet.

Gruntfuttock · 01/11/2014 15:05

"Is there some further damage control that I can do to salvage this work relationship?"

That sentence alone shows that you're still not getting it.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:06

even though she panders to us.

Hmm
OP posts:
emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 15:07

By documenting your training of Anna if she then makes a mistake it will be addressed directly with her and not come back on you.

As others have said if Anna is not capable of doing the role then it is best that is found out, you attempting to shield her from her own inability to do the job will not be looked on favourably as it affects the business.

Make sure Anna knows what is expected of her and the implications of her failing to meet deadlines.

Ilovenicesoap · 01/11/2014 15:07

Er there is NO work relationship !
That's the point ,just leave it and get on with your work.

emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 15:08

There is nothing to salvage.

Ilovenicesoap · 01/11/2014 15:09

I should add that by not following standard protocols on reporting poor performance there could be comeback that you are trying to cover up as you are involved in her training.

Gruntfuttock · 01/11/2014 15:10

You seem to have tunnel vision. All you can think about, all you're focussing on is "this work relationship".

Stop that. Re-focus.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:11

There is nothing to salvage.

Well, if I have left as terrible an impression him as everyone suggests then I would like some way of changing that. If there isn't one then that's fine, but I don't feel happy leavings things on such a weird note.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 15:13

Emerald... Nobody can really know how your e-mails have been received because a) we don't know what you wrote and b) we're not in the heads of the people you wrote them too.

Your best hope of 'salvage' now is to back away and not contact this man again. You should you wouldn't (unless Anna was on holiday or line manager asks you too) - I would amend that to 'unless line manager specifically instructs me to'.

Acknowledge your feelings, accept them and the position - and get on with your job, whatever that involves and no more. There's a life outside of work that could fully distract you if you get involved in it.

emotionsecho · 01/11/2014 15:13

It is only you that thinks things have been left on a 'weird' note.

Paul is behaving professionally, you need to do the same.

EmeraldPeepers · 01/11/2014 15:14

What this thread is done is actually make me feel even worse because now I am regretting sending that email (even though I was genuinely only trying to help- not trying to sabotage anyone or fish for praise)

I now feel entirely responsible for the ruin of the one positive thing I had at work.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 01/11/2014 15:14

Leaving what? There is nothing to leave. The bloke hasn't sent you a gushing return email a couple of times. That is all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 15:16

Whether you feel 'happy about leaving things on a weird note' or not, it's not within your gift to contact this man anymore. Stop it, please.

It is very much starting to sound as if your feelings for him developed beyond professional and have been unrequited. If we can see this here, it's going to be obvious before too long at work as well. There's no going back from that.

Accept that this man won't be in contact and accept that you won't be contacting him either. That's it. Job salvaged.

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