AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

[EmeraldPeepers]

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.


Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.


Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.


Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

[emotionsecho]

I don't think anyone has implied you are trying to sabotage or bully Anna, undermine her and her Line Manager possibly, but not bullying or sabotage.

People are pointing out to you the dangers to you personally of going outside the hierarchy. On top of all the other things mentioned your colleagues may suspect you deliberately went to Paul because you feel you have a 'special' relationship with him and this will damage both you and him.

Accept that Paul helped you when you needed it by praising your work and encouraging you, he's done what he set out to do, i.e., have you recognised as a worthwhile employee now he has no need to 'hold your hand'.

[lougle]

If you have tried the above and it is still in your remit to train Anna and you clearly have the evidence (because you'll have the email you sent, etc.) then you need to go to your manager and tell her that you have impressed upon Anna a need for a timely response to time critical information, but she is not tackling it.

[Ilovenicesoap]

OP as you posted more details it became clear that:

You are not following recognised practice in escalating to someone inappropriately ie not Annas/your line manager but going over their heads.
You didn't seem to understand the implications for Anna, her manager and yourself.
You didn't seem to get that you are behaving unprofessionally even if you think it was being helpful.
You didn't see that your behaviour is unfair to Anna and your/her manager because the issues are not being addressed correctly.

This ^ is why people on the thread are mentioning it - no one is "reading any kind of meaning" you were just not aware of the implications of your "helpfulness"
You sound quite naive and inexperienced tbh -please take on board what is being said to you.
Its sound advice.

[Jill2015]

Jill - the role suits me; I'm mildly amused at how this man behaved then and now, ad knew what he was after, and I just thought it might help the OP to see that kind of changing relationship is normal.

Yes, I knew exactly what you meant, it really struck a chord with me.
In my case, I also had to listen to X said this that and the other about you. X couldn't pick me out in a line-up, then or now

[HotBurrito1]

OP, you've been asked a few times if you have romantic feelings for 'Paul' but (unless I've missed it) you haven't replied...

[tiredvommachine]

[ModernToss]

I don't think the org chart or management and reporting structure have anything at all to do with this. The OP was asked if she had much of a life outside work, and answered that no, she didn't. That explains the huge importance this man and situation have taken on.

It's not very healthy and it's not very professional, but it is understandable. The only 'cure' is more of an outside life.

[Evabeaversprotege]

Op, all joking aside, do you have feelings for this man?

Are either of you in a relationship?

[riveravon23]

Emerald, we are strangers on the internet, yet all of those strangers are of the view that you have behaved inappropriately and unprofessionally. I'm sure you have taken that on board. You do not have to reply, or make excuses, or defend yourself if you do not wish to. We all make mistakes, we all do things we wish we could undo.

However, please be honest with yourself. You have said several times you only sent the email to be helpful. My instinct thinks this is not really true, partly perhaps but not the whole truth. Please search your heart and ask yourself why you did send that email - to get his attention, to receive a positive response, to renew the "professional" relationship you had, because you were feeling lonely and so craved the warm response you have received from him in the past? I understand that, I am sure most of us do. And so if you reflect a little, and, as I have said, be honest with YOURSELF, maybe it will help you move forward.

I have felt two emotions as I read your words. The need for someone to tell you that you did the right thing and it must be hard to read so many posts saying the opposite. However, the dominate emotion I feel is a loneliness - that without him work is very unpleasant, as I think you said at some point, he was the only person to make it bearable.

I truly hope things improve for you, really. Good luck!

[Shannith]

Thank fuck you don't work for me. You'd last about 5 minutes.

[addictedtobass]

Emerald, that's the thing with intentions they don't always appear to be as you think to the recipient. Those shocking opinions should tell you the possibility is that he also reads something different into your intentions and hasn't responded because of it.

[Gruntfuttock]

I believe Emerald started this thread hoping to be given suggestions as to how she can salvage this relationship. I don't think she's ready, willing or able to accept what everyone is telling her, i.e. there is no relationship. It's sad.

[Laquitar]

EMmerald

can you turn this into something positive?

i.e.

You have overcome the bulling - welldone.

Your good work has been noticed by Paul and he even helped you. It doesnt matter what happens with Paul afterwards. Take the good bit with you: that you have done a good job and it has been recognised by someone. That means it can be recognized many times in the furure too.

If Paul 's support meant so much to you because you dont have much support in your personal life/marriage then use this to your advantage. As a wake up call and a motivation to change things in your life.

I believe that every person we meet helps us to realize something.
MaybE Paul has done that? Now you need to take that bit and move on and reflect on your life.

All this is not about Anna's mistakes.