AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

[EmeraldPeepers]

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

"Noticed X on the system, needs to be dealt with within the hour so letting you know.

Let me explain how I would read that if it were sent to me.

Noticed X on the system [and Anna didn't, despite it being her job now not mine], needs to be dealt with within the hour [and Anna missed it] so letting you know [because Anna won't].

Your uber-boss clearly isn't stupid. He'll understand the context of your email very well."

If that's how he reads it, he will be reading it wrong because it was not my intention. I'm trying to help. I can't live with myself if I see something critical on the system and not tell anyone because hey, "it isn't my job anymore"

Maybe it would have been better if I had told on Anna to our line manager or sent her an email which she would have probably checked when the deadline had passed.

My third would be to wonder why you we're checking the system when it's not your job anymore.

All products have a common system. The information is there for anyone with eyes to see.

I can't live with myself if I see something critical on the system and not tell anyone because hey, "it isn't my job anymore" This is a very fixed way of thinking and won't be helpful to your boss as people doing each other's jobs is really going to cause chaos. If you feel that strongly about seeing something critical going wrong- the most natural thing to do would be to immediately email your trainee and her boss- given you are still training her and they are the ones that could fix the problem.

I would do this next time.

I sometimes tend towards interfering myself when I see things going wrong and that could be easily fixed, but unfortunately office life is about more than just being in the right- and I have learned that often things fix themselves, or people get it wrong and then learn to solve things, if you back off. If they are truly incompetent, leave them to it. It isn't your job to fix everything.

Emerald... You're getting really good advice on this thread. Please try to read it in the spirit it's being given. Nobody wants you to mess up at work but you're like an out of control train and letting your own hurt and indignation direct your thoughts and that is making you in danger of stepping so far outside of your 'place' at work that you'll be sanctioned.

Please do not let this become an obsession. Your current behaviour pattern isn't working for you, you have that evidence yourself.

You could fix this quite easily; ask here what they think maybe?

But it's not about eyes to see, is it? If it was about eyes to see, then other employees would have noticed too and emailed him. But they didn't, did they? Because it wasn't their job to notice.

I think you need him way more than he needs you. Consider your relative positions. Step back before you make a fool of yourself.

Maybe it would have been better if I had told on Anna to our line manager or sent her an email which she would have probably checked when the deadline had passed.

Yes. Long term, that would have been the better outcome.

Reading you are still training her means you need to inform her but whatever methods.. Telling any manager is not training her it is simply more likley to get her in trouble and hightlight you aren't training her simply reporting her. If anything that sounds more malicious.

Option A - you tell her she needs to get whatever done in the next hour
option B- tell someone senior she hasn't done it.

I can't see how B in any circumstances would be a better option for her.

I really think you're worrying over nothing. You said you've emailed him dozens of times and three times he hasn't responded? And those times are spread out and not consecutive?

So, on three occasions you've just caught him when he can't immediately respond. Maybe one day he had the shits and was dashing from computer to toilet, another day was the school play, or perhaps his mind has been on trouble at home, perhaps he was on annual leave for an afternoon, in a meeting and though "I must respond to that later" but had to dash off, perhaps they had a power outage in his office and when his computer came back on line he had hundreds of emails to wade through, perhaps he's been busy interviewing, or is feeling a bit burned out and trawling the Thomas Cook website, perhaps someone fainted in the office and he had to put the recovery position....

Honestly I can think of thousands of reasons why someone might leave three emails out of dozens unreplied to. If it's not consecutive I really don't think he's trying to tell you anything. Don't worry. Leave it a week or two and then email him again with the question you didn't get a reply to. It's Christmas party season coming up, can you wangle it so you get to meet him? It's great to have a friendly mentor with clout, I think you're right to cultivate the relationship.

"Noticed X on the system, needs to be dealt with within the hour so letting you know."

Why did you not just send that to your line manager? She would want to know and it's her business to know.

EmeraldPeepers Sat 01-Nov-14 12:35:28
"If I were 'Anna', I'd have had a word with our line manager by now, I wouldn't have put up with this nonsense."

Really? And what would you have said to our line manager? I don't like it when I am trained by the person you assigned to train me? Or that I hate it when I am reminded to do a time sensitive task? What would your complaint be? I am very curious.

I have to ad lib a little/lot here because I don't know the circumstances regarding training/effectiveness/time taken/checking up/deadline/sanction process (and don't need to!).

My complaint would be that you'd stepped outside the line management chain, that you had no idea of the conversations I might have had. I would expect you to say to me, "look Anna, this is what you need to do (describe all processes, put in writing maybe), it's slipped a few times and it needs to be right. If it keeps slipping then I'll have to involve our line manager because it reflects on me.".

That's what I would expect from you. Going to uber-boss isn't right and you've acknowledged that so maybe that's a start.

I've read all of your posts.

You say you're still training Anna. If she ballses something up you need to raise it with her or the line manager, not someone remotely who is "powerful". Whatever your motivations it will come across weird/wrong/inappropriate.

If she's not checking her emails regularly tell her she needs to while you are still training her as sometimes you will need to communicate time sensitive information. If she doesn't, you've tried your best and you need to then stop being so sensitive about whether she gets into trouble.

There's no work reason for you to be involving the big boss. He can see that even if you can't.

Emerald we want to help you-we don't know you but we don't want you to look like a fool at work. We are giving the best advice we can and you are just arguing and getting strident.

What is your life like outside work?
This all seems incredibly out of perspective for you and I think you need to look after yourself and build up other aspects of your life. This is well meant-I hope you listen-please completely let go of your need for validation by this man.

It seems that you were glad when this man rode to your rescue and others, who had been unpleasant to you, noticed and had to modify their behaviour. You had a 'special' relationship, which meant that you were inside a magic circle, protected from whatever had left you feeling so miserable that you had contemplated leaving.

It is very hard to take on board the fact that it was only a temporary specialness. It would be lovely if that wasn't the case, that others always had to keep at the back of their mind that 'Paul' had a special professional interest and appreciation of you,that he would always protect you.

However, for whatever reason, that appears to be longer the case.

What do you think your options are and what would you like to happen?

Nail on the head, I think, chopinbabe

Nicely put

If you are currently training the replacement, why would it be inappropriate to just say "oh, remember x needs checking about now"? No need to be involving anyone else at all. If your line manager overhears then she will just see both of you doing your jobs. If you constantly have to remind your colleague and the manager overhears, then it might spur your colleague on to remember in future.

I can't see any world in which the appropriate response is to point the omission out in a email to a senior manager whose job does not involve doing whatever task it is that is being missed.

Just to add but do you think you have developed feelings for him?

I think you are losing perspective.
I have done similar at work.
I agree - look at what else there is in your life, find somewhere else in your life to seek feelings of approval or learn how to manage without that need, avoid the praise and blame game. There is a need in you for this praise that isn't there anymore from this person just back off and let things unfold because otherwise this will NOT end well.
Trust me, I have been there. I am still picking up the pieces. If I could go back and shake myself before I started burning bridges I would. It's all very clear now, but it took a complete breakdown and a huge amount of therapy.

This is NOT worth the mental energy that you are devoting to it.

"It seems that you were glad when this man rode to your rescue and others, who had been unpleasant to you, noticed and had to modify their behaviour. You had a 'special' relationship, which meant that you were inside a magic circle, protected from whatever had left you feeling so miserable that you had contemplated leaving.

It is very hard to take on board the fact that it was only a temporary specialness. It would be lovely if that wasn't the case, that others always had to keep at the back of their mind that 'Paul' had a special professional interest and appreciation of you,that he would always protect you.

However, for whatever reason, that appears to be longer the case.

What do you think your options are and what would you like to happen?"

What I would like to happen is for us to end things on a pleasant note and for us to keep the professional relationship active even if it isn't via daily contact.

I don't think that will happen now, Emerald. Your best chance of success at keeping an active professional relationship is to back right off. That's right, DO NOTHING. Don't contact him anymore, you have no reason to.

You might find that things settle down of their own accord and, if they don't - they certainly wouldn't have with any kind of further contact from you.

Please take a step back, Emerald, and consider what your best advice would be to your best friend in your position. I'm sure it wouldn't be to advise 'pushing the envelope' in hope of the reaction you're so desperate for.

My experience in the corporate world is that there is a very strict hierarchy and the organisations I've worked for as a manager would not tolerate such behaviour. It would be frowned upon for a junior member of staff to be contacting a very senior member of staff.

I think like others have said, you should appreciate your superior from HO's encouragement of your good work at the time and leave it at that. It is not part of his remit to maintain contact with a junior staff member.

If this had happened at any of my employers the person concerned i.e. Emerald, would have been told in no uncertain terms to go through the correct channels i.e. I contact my boss who contacts his boss etc.

Please try to put your efforts into your own team and building relationships there. It sounds as through this situation could turn very sour.

Ok -it can end on a pleasant note if you stop e-mailing and just be perfectly pleasant when you do come across him. This will avoid any unpleasantness that might ensue from you continuing to contact him about what is now another persons job. As you have said it is possible that you may work together again more closely in the future but do consider looking for other sources of validation in your life.

I personally think you need to read all 5 pages again... Not one person on here has said you are doing the right thing..

Things are pleasant.. Last contact from him was thank you.

You are in a new job you need to move on.

I think you see this man as your rescuer, but now he has moved on but it isn't personal it is business. .

Do you have any understanding of why people are unanimously disagreeing with your behaviour or do you still feel hard done to?

Emerald, I think everyone is trying very hard to help here.

When you say to end things on a pleasant note and for us to keep the professional relationship active even if it isn't via daily contact are you not able to see that this may be wishful thinking but is not a work based option because :

1. whatever 'relationship' you feel there was has obviously already ended in his mind, because you are no longer doing any work for him. This is not a personal relationship - you don't have the option to rewind and try again. The person deserving of his attention is the woman who has taken on your old post.
2. you no longer have a professional relationship to 'keep' because you no longer do any work for this person and seemingly have no reason at all to have a connection to him during the course of the normal working week?

These thoughts ARE unreasonable.