AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

[EmeraldPeepers]

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

This all sounds very intense. I think you have become over-invested in this man's opinion because he was supportive when you were going through a difficult time. Try to let go and focus completely on your new role. Just be pleasant and professional if you do see him.
Have you got a busy and fulfilling life outside work? If not try to build this up.

allowing her to be shouted at by our manager and pointing out her mistakes to our direct boss would not have been nasty at all is it?

FFS, it's not about nice or nasty. It's about behaving appropriately by recognising and abiding by the established chain of command.

How do you not get this?

You said that He is much more important than our manager??? Higher up in the hierarchy?? So, he DOES have the authority. I wonder if your successor's boss has already spoken with him. It's possible that he has. Again, an assumption, guilty as charged, but reasonable I think.

No, he doesn't. I don't care to reveal the details of my job or company to fully explain this so I will just say this. He is not our direct manager, so he doesn't tell us how to organise our day. But overall within the entire company he has a more 'powerful' role (for lack of a better phrase to use) than my direct boss. I don't care to explain this in more detail.

My successor's boss is also my boss. What would she have spoken to him about? They rarely interact.

FFS, it's not about nice or nasty. It's about behaving appropriately by recognising and abiding by the established chain of command.

How do you not get this?

Ok, great. Next time I will tattle to our direct boss and let my replacement face the music. Then I will post about it on mumsnet and the very same people will tell me IABU for have gotten the poor lamb into trouble when I could have "slipped her a note".

Erm... I seriously believe you are way too over invested in all this.

Just let it go. Why can't you do that without endlessly over analysing?

You're still not getting it.

There shouldn't be a next time.

Stop checking up on her.

It would be appropriate to protect your own back, however, as you said you were responsible for training her. Make sure your manager knows that you taught her to do tasks X, Y and Z. And then leave it.

Emerald, I can only go on what you have written here. But your posts make you appear to be rather childish, belittling (towards the person doing your old job) and one who has blurred the lines between a professional and personal relationship. I do not mean to be unkind, but it really does come across that way, and perhaps that has come across towards the other manager too. In your desperation to be seen as such a good employee, you have actually done the opposite. You mention you have faced difficult times at work in the past, but can you not see that this is how you are now behaving towards the person now doing your job too. This man, in the past, supported you when you were being treated badly - maybe he is now doing this with your replacement. After all she would be justified in complaining that she felt uncomfortable that her work was being watched by you, and if she made an error, you were reporting this - not to her, not to her manager but to the manager who had such a good working relationship with. Sorry, although your intentions may be good, your behaviour could be interpreted as unpleasant/borderline bullying.

This manager seems like a nice man, maybe just concentrate on your own work from now on? Maybe that way you can restore your previously good professional relationship.

I don't kbow why you think pointing out a colleague's mistakes to someone far more superior to your boss is better.

Just stop meddling!

I'm sorry I don't get this thread at all - he hasn't responded to you a few times so you are wound up about him 'ignoring' you, but you state you were just giving him factual information rather than, e.g. asking a question that needed a response.

Surely in a work environment an email stating some factual information doesn't necessitate a response? Especially when you've done it before and he has thanked you, now it's become 'thing' that you keep an eye on this for him, hell why not he knows you're competent and is maybe hopeful you'll come back to his work in future so doesn't want to say 'stop looking at this, it's not your role anymore'. Basically now you keeping an eye on this has becone routine and not really worth a thank you everytime anymore.

Quite often at work I feel like I'm just firing emails into the ether - maybe it's just my work environment, I don't know, but if I sent an email to someone senior saying 'FYI, X results came out today, totalled Y' I wouldn't expect a response just to thank me. Of course some people do, occasionally, maybe they haven't thanked me in a while, maybe they see my email when they aren't busy. But it's not expected. Sounds like you are expecting a consistent level of recognition that your position and email content maybe doesn't merit?

Not one person on this thread thinks you're behaving appropriately here - doesn't that tell you something?

Emerald, the minute detail really doesn't matter. The man in question could be a Director, head of a different department, or own a large share ....... the critical point is that he " he has a more 'powerful' role (for lack of a better phrase to use) than my direct boss "
This means that when you refer points to him (your account seems to vary as to whether it was heads up on mistakes, or missing bits of time critical information) you are going over the head of your direct line manager.
This is not acceptable practice.

It doesn't matter if your line manager does not manage in a way you feel appropriate. That is something you should take up with HR.
In the circumstances you have outlined, the correct options would have been to advise the colleague concerned that you had noticed omissions or to have informed your joint line manager. That is the way business is properly conducted.

It is not at all surprising (or unreasonable) that the man in question is now ignoring you.

"I'm sorry I don't get this thread at all - he hasn't responded to you a few times so you are wound up about him 'ignoring' you, but you state you were just giving him factual information rather than, e.g. asking a question that needed a response.

Surely in a work environment an email stating some factual information doesn't necessitate a response? Especially when you've done it before and he has thanked you, now it's become 'thing' that you keep an eye on this for him, hell why not he knows you're competent and is maybe hopeful you'll come back to his work in future so doesn't want to say 'stop looking at this, it's not your role anymore'. Basically now you keeping an eye on this has becone routine and not really worth a thank you everytime anymore.

Quite often at work I feel like I'm just firing emails into the ether - maybe it's just my work environment, I don't know, but if I sent an email to someone senior saying 'FYI, X results came out today, totalled Y' I wouldn't expect a response just to thank me. Of course some people do, occasionally, maybe they haven't thanked me in a while, maybe they see my email when they aren't busy. But it's not expected. Sounds like you are expecting a consistent level of recognition that your position and email content maybe doesn't merit?"

Yes. thank you

You are right, maybe I am. I hadn't thought if it this way.

Before anyone suggests it, I don't want to complain to our supervisor about her because I'm just not that person

But you are that sort of person -- actually, you're worse. You go over the head of your colleague who's making errors, and your colleague's line manager. You report mistakes that are now nothing to do with you to a manager or managers with whom you think you have a "connection."

If I were your line manager, I'd be livid.

You've pointed out errors/oversights to the person making them. Why not say "Next time, I'm going to have to raise it with our line manager, because it has an impact on my work."

If this is not the case, then leave it. Oh yes, you did your job brilliantly, and your successor doesn't do it as well as you. That is Not.Your.Problem unless his/her oversights have a direct impact on your work. In your current tactics run the risk of looking as though you are a bully or a control freak.

My successor's boss is also my boss. What would she have spoken to him about? They rarely interact.

How on earth would you know? She has a more direct line to him than you do, being the line manager. You really do come across as if you think that you have a 'direct line' to the uber-boss and the realisation that you do not is hitting you hard.

You have no idea at the conversations or relationships or pieces of work that do not go past you. It's very arrogant to suggest otherwise actually.

If you don't back off I think you will be looking for another job and that won't be your decision. If I were 'Anna', I'd have had a word with our line manager by now, I wouldn't have put up with this nonsense.

We seem to be redefining bullying here. I've been bullied far too many time so I know that what I am doing is not that.

I am still training her- so pointing out the timings of when certain things need to be done is part of what I am required to do. And I do it in the nicest way I can making sure she doesn't get into trouble over it. Telling him is better than telling my line manager because he is not someone who will complain officially or scream and yell. Our line manager on the other hand is a different story. Yes, I admit that this might not be the right hierarchy to follow, but I am not bullying my replacement- in fact, I was only trying to protect her from the crap I went through with our boss when I was new.

"How on earth would you know? She has a more direct line to him than you do, being the line manager. You really do come across as if you think that you have a 'direct line' to the uber-boss and the realisation that you do not is hitting you hard.

You have no idea at the conversations or relationships or pieces of work that do not go past you. It's very arrogant to suggest otherwise actually."

Ok. So maybe my line manager spoke to him. Nothing is impossible.

What did she speak to him about? Since you know everything about my office, maybe you were privy to this conversation as well.

Yes, I admit that this might not be the right hierarchy to follow

That's it then.
Excuses, diversions, complaints & wriggling regardless ...... don't do it anymore!

and to clarify for the millionth time- I didn't say, "Oh hello Paul guess what? That bloody Anna forgot to let you know about X again. Here's the info now.."

So at no point did I complain to him about anyone. No names have ever been taken. Anna hasn't even been mentioned. All I said was - noticed X on the system, needs to be dealt with within the hour so letting you know."

That's it. No mention of her, no complaints.

I am still training her- so pointing out the timings of when certain things need to be done is part of what I am required to do. And I do it in the nicest way I can making sure she doesn't get into trouble over it.

You seem to confuse work and friendship. Business is business - it is not about nice or nasty, just professional.

As her trainer you will be judged on how well she performs in her role. If she is consistently making errors despite your training then you need to protect your position.

The appropriate way to do this is to explain the issue to your supervisor - preferably documented.

Just about the least appropriate way is to go direct to the uber-boss. You are denying your successor a chance to improve, and you are undermining your supervisor.

That's not being nice - that's being unprofessional.

Believe me, if I told my uber-boss that one of my peers wasn't performing, he would give me a flea in my ear for being a tell-tale.

"If I were 'Anna', I'd have had a word with our line manager by now, I wouldn't have put up with this nonsense."

Really? And what would you have said to our line manager? I don't like it when I am trained by the person you assigned to train me? Or that I hate it when I am reminded to do a time sensitive task? What would your complaint be? I am very curious.

"Believe me, if I told my uber-boss that one of my peers wasn't performing, he would give me a flea in my ear for being a tell-tale."

Very true. Which is why I haven't told on her to anyone. Not our line manager, and not to him.

I saw something and told him. Then I mentioned to her to do it next time. I didn't complain about her to anyone- she wasn't even mentioned.

I really don't think you are reading my posts.

Noticed X on the system, needs to be dealt with within the hour so letting you know.

Let me explain how I would read that if it were sent to me.

Noticed X on the system [and Anna didn't, despite it being her job now not mine], needs to be dealt with within the hour [and Anna missed it] so letting you know [because Anna won't].

Your uber-boss clearly isn't stupid. He'll understand the context of your email very well.

But Emerald there are two other people to let know first- your replacement and her boss! They are the obvious starting point for any mistakes/information- then let them deal with it.

Perhaps this big boss encouraged you to be like this and now he's backed off you feel upset, but honestly, whatever the reason he's not playing that game any more, you just have to accept it.

I don't understand why you feel so terrible over this, I can only imagine that you are very sensitive about being bullied at work (understandable) or you like the attention he paid you or you are a sensitive person in general or so on. It isn't usual to feel terrible over something like this- I wonder what else is going on for you to make you fixate on this? I don't think this discussion is probably helping.

Sorry, that post is to explain exactly why your über-boss will know you're telling tales. You don't need to be explicit for the message to get through. It may not be the message you intended, but it will still get through.

My first thought, on reading your email would be relief that something had not been missed. My second would be to raise it with Anna. My third would be to wonder why you we're checking the system when it's not your job anymore.

I agree with Pomera - the fact that you're anticipating a response each time you point out these issues suggests that you're fishing for praise. It's fairly clear that if these emails are now going unacknowledged, they are probably no longer welcome?

Op, I'm curious - given that there does seem to be something of a consensus here, yet you appear to disagree with the general response - why do you think that your correspondence is being ignored? What sort of responses were you hoping for?