AIBU to feel so terrible over this sudden lack of response?

[EmeraldPeepers]

I'll try to keep the background as short as possible.

The first few months at my current job were not easy. My direct supervisor was awful, the training was rubbish and I basically used to dread going to work. The good work that I was doing was being overlooked and I was being blamed for things I hadn't had anything to do with. Safe to say it was one of the most horrible phases of my life.

And then something amazing happened. One of my superiors from the head office (most of my tasks in the job involved working for him remotely) told me he loved my work. He went out of his way to call my direct supervisors and tell them how well I was doing- note that this was his call, I didn't ask him to do it. Given his position within the company, people suddenly sat up to take notice of my work and the bullying started to gradually stop. I sometimes feel that I may not have been able to stay in this job had he not stepped in and clarified the quality of the work that I was doing. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to him.

Our work relationship has been amazing. He's notoriously hard to please, but it's been such a good experience working with him. He's been happy to share his knowledge, he's encouraged my work and we also reached a comfortable stage were would chat about things outside of work.

Unfortunately, I was moved to a new product and I no longer get to work with him much. He did mention to me once that he is not very happy with the person who is handling his work instead of me now. Given my relative experience in the earlier product, i still step in from time to time to help out. Initially, he was responsive and even happy on the occasions where I would step back in. However, there have been two recent occasions where much to my confusion, he has ignored my communication when I stepped back in. The new person forgot to let him know something important and I noticed it in the system. So I just sent a message to say- hi, here is what has happened. Noticed it and thought to let you know.

I have sent similar messages in the past and he has responded and has been appreciative and thanked me for still keeping a check. But on these past two occasions he completely ignored me :( No response. Absolutely nothing.

I had also sent him a message to ask a work related question he might have had the answer to. He completely ignored that as well. I found this strange and out of character because he has always been so happy to share his knowledge in the past.

Am I overreacting?? I feel terrible that he has ignored me because even though I am not on that product anymore, I still value this professional relationship a great deal. Besides I might at some point come back to the earlier product, so keeping my contacts and relationships alive is also very important for me.

I am struggling to see what I might have done unknowingly perhaps to upset him or annoy him to the point where he would behave so out of character and ignore me

I know it sounds odd to take this so seriously, but his support gave me a sense of security within a work environment that can be quite hostile at times. I am not in a position to switch jobs at the moment, so losing that support is making me feel rather lost.

Go and ask friends IRL, or your partner or your mum and dad, or anyone whose opinions you respect. See what they say.

You do come across as a little puppyish desperately bouncing around your master looking for recognition and praise.

He thanked you the first couple of times because that is the polite thing to do and he seems like a decent bloke. But if he wanted you to continue this supervision he would have asked you and he didn't. So he obviously doesn't want you to. Step away from it now. I an sure he is not any more than minorly irritated by your mails. He seems like a good supportive boss and I am sure he will be with this new person as well and the will find their own feet. Equally I am sure should you move back know to your old post he will be just as supportive again.

Why do you care so much?

Just back off and let the management do their job.

Go and ask friends IRL, or your partner or your mum and dad, or anyone whose opinions you respect. See what they say.

I have. They know about him and are equally surprised as this is out of character behaviour for him to ignore anyone like this.

He thanked you the first couple of times because that is the polite thing to do and he seems like a decent bloke

Not couple.

At least the first dozen times.

He is also then within his rights to openly tell me to mind my own business. Why didn't he?

Maybe that's not the culture of that particular workplace... Maybe he senses that you are somewhat fragile and have built this 'relationship' up into something it isn't... Maybe it's on his 'to do' list... Maybe he just doesn't give you that much thought or doesn't think he 'owes' you any kind of explanation... who knows?

I think the thing to focus on is letting this go now. Don't contact him again. Concentrate on your own job, let your replacement make and learn from her own mistakes and keep your conduct strictly professional from now on.

Well firstly he's pretty senior so it's possible that he's just been really busy.

But secondly - and more importantly - you really need to back off Emerald - you have a new role now and what your replacement is up to is really not your responsibility or any of your business. I'm a bit bemused to be honest as to why you would think it remotely appropriate to repeatedly email someone so senior about a peer's mistakes. If she isn't doing her job properly then that's for her boss to spot and rectify. It's unfortunate if that isn't happening but that's not your problem

I can see why this is upsetting you but you sound a little over invested in this professional relationship. You worked well together, now you don't work together any more. I think the best advice is to focus on your new role and doing the best job you can there. That is what will get you noticed and appreciated.

So maybe he's got other things on his plate right now that you don't know about and he's not dealing with non-essentials.
I have an excellent gameface at work, and many people think they know me. But they had no idea about some of the things that were happening out of the workplace and the other stuff I was dealing with.
You need to find your security elsewhere.

Right dozen. Whatever it doesn't change my opinion or advice. He humoured you for longer than I would have but he is sick of it now. Get the hint.

Your friends and family already know all about your boss's boss, to the point they're surprised? That's pretty unusual right there. My DH knows the name of my boss's boss, but couldn't predict his behaviour. None of my other family or friends could even name my boss. I think that's actually another sign that you're over-invested. (I suspect the poster who suggested talking it over IRL meant the situation, not expecting your family and friends IRL to already know about him.)

You're coming across as having mentionitis and a schoolgirl crush.

Emerald I have to be honest, I am cringing for you here.

Sometimes close working relationships spring up because you are working together, or someone mentors you for a bit, or you end up having a social time together- but fundamentally they are usually short-lived and if one of you moves on, then the working relationship moves on too.

Given this man isn't your boss or directly in your hierarchy and given that you no longer work on the product he's connected with there is NO reason for him to contact you. To continue to do so would make him look unprofessional. He is in the right in this situation, sorry.

He was happy to encourage you and mentor you for a bit, he's now moved on and you need to too.

These things are very delicate and unsaid and it is not realistic for him to start composing emails explaining exactly how he is going to relate to you in the future- he doesn't need to, he's the boss.

If you have also told all your friends and family about this it suggests you really have got it out of proportion. You need to rein it back in and let it go- sometimes I email people and they don't reply, it's not a biggie unless you let it be one.

If I thought someone (not my manager) was keeping tabs on what I was doing when it wasn't their place, I sure as hell wouldn't be rushing to respond to their interfering chasing emails.

As a manager you sound like somone who is competent at your job but poor at relationship. You are interfering overstepping boundaries and trying to make a reationship with somone ofva much higher grade who spotted your good work . somthing that as a manager is part of his job. Stop overthinking this and concentrate on your own job

well someone might also have said something to him that made him stop communicating with him. maybe someone made some throwaway comment that made him think his 'mentoring' was inappropriate.

no way to tell really.

all you can do is damage limitation. don't contact him any more and just be professional and pleasant. and hope that over time things will settle down.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps comments have been made, and that he has stopped responding so that neither of you get into any further trouble?

Your replacement could have mentioned feeling bullied, and your manager decided to stop responding to your messages so that he is not implicated in encouraging you.

Someone could have mentioned how close you are, and he stop responding to prevent anyone from getting the wrong idea.

It could have been mentioned that you appear to be wanting your old job back, and therefore are not engaging as much as you could be with your new one.

In any of those situations, or any similar situation, it would be entirely inappropriate for him to contact you at all. Infact, in some cases, he would be putting his job on the line to mention it at all.

The fact remains that you have to back off. He hasn't replied, he is clearly feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason, and you could find yourself in trouble if you don't.

Emerald you need to do your own job. Your own job, note, not your old one.

And look for somewhere else to work if you're so unhappy all the time (except when the daddy figure stepped in).

And just chillax. You sound like you're very wound up about this. You're ignoring what we are all saying, being argumentative and defensive.

Get something going outside work.... Hobbies, pastimes, therapy?

wowfudge- I know, but I had at the same time been assigned the responsibility of training the new girl so at the time it was necessary for me to remind her as part of the training.

If someone I am training is just not doing/getting the job, I am answerable for it too.

Your replacement could have mentioned feeling bullied, and your manager decided to stop responding to your messages so that he is not implicated in encouraging you.

My replacement is not feeling bullied by anyone in the team, least of all by me.

And for the last time- he is not our manager

Are you responsible for training her now?

No? Then drop it.

Yes? Then raise it with her and if you still get no joy then her supervisor.

I concur with "CleanLines" view of things, however there is a further issue which would cause me to withdraw - namely your persistent avoidance of your line manager.
Whatever your view of that person it is crossing major lines to continually avoid addressing issues that are rightly his/her responsibility in the first instance, and then refer those issues higher up the chain. It implies that you think you have a direct relationship with a superior which "trumps" your line manager. Unacceptable.

You perhaps need to accept that your interpretation of the 'support' and 'friendship' has been very different to his, and that moving out of a post where you produced work directly for him has removed you from his sphere of interest. Polite acknowledgement was the way forward, but you pushed the envelope and withdrawal offers a clear cut message. End of.

And I did mean raise it with your/her supervisor, rather than this man. So what if your supervisor shouts at her (other than the obvious fact it's poor management)? You have to abide by the established reporting line.

Whatever your view of that person it is crossing major lines to continually avoid addressing issues that are rightly his/her responsibility in the first instance, and then refer those issues higher up the chain. It implies that you think you have a direct relationship with a superior which "trumps" your line manager. Unacceptable.

YY. Exactly.

Exactly- he is not your manager, or her manager. So continually involving him, when you are not now responsible for her training, and when you are not managed by him either, is jumping right over the managerial hierarchy and is now causing him a headache.

He is being professional here, you should not be reporting mistakes to anyone (not your job) and if you really felt compelled (why?) it would be to the person's line manager.

I suspect the situation has developed inappropriately and he is reining it back in, appropriately by not responding to your mails.

And I did mean raise it with your/her supervisor, rather than this man. So what if your supervisor shouts at her (other than the obvious fact it's poor management)? You have to abide by the established reporting line.

I didn't "raise" this new person's incompetence with him. I simply gave him a time sensitive piece of information that I had happened to mention. I didn't say "It looks like Anna forgot to tell you so look at me I am doing it now, I'm such a star". It was a factual email that didn't mention anything about my replacement.

Secondly, I'm a mean and sabotaging witch for stepping in to help, but allowing her to be shouted at by our manager and pointing out her mistakes to our direct boss would not have been nasty at all is it?

Emerald... I really have read your posts twice. You're not consistent in your reasoning of what you did and why you did it so it's hardly surprising that some posters are confused.

You said that He is much more important than our manager??? Higher up in the hierarchy?? So, he DOES have the authority. I wonder if your successor's boss has already spoken with him. It's possible that he has. Again, an assumption, guilty as charged, but reasonable I think.

You can keep on with the 'Why didn't he tell me?' but he doesn't owe you an explanation. You owe colleagues professional courtesy and nothing else - and that's all they owe you.

I'm sorry if you thought I was harsh; I think you're very emotional about this issue and it's making you irrationally needful of this man's validation. It's going to harm you if you keep doing what you say you have. I would speak exactly like this to my best friends (and have done so) to chide them out of damaging behaviour that they will kick themselves for - and I welcome that myself too.

Your thread makes for uncomfortable reading and I'm also concerned that what you've posted is the 'tip of the iceberg', that there are either other events not posted about and/or that they were more intense. Only you know what the real situation is.