To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

[SassyOlaf]

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

I would absolutely, 100% want to know if I was being cheated on. I wouldn't care who told me, as long as someone did.

I admit that there is usually an element of revenge and satisfaction in sending a message to the OW. But that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do - more 'the right thing for the wrong reason', perhaps.

If I think of it in terms of 'The Golden Rule' (do as you would be done by), I'd want to be told if my partner was shagging around. So if I was theOP, I would tell.

could you explain how the OP would be the one to destroy that man life when it's his gf who cheated on him? confused
Or are you saying that the person who is destroying his life is the one to tell him the truth? But not the one who cheated, lied and treated badly?
Sorry but this mans life has been destroyed the day his gf cheated on him. The fact he doesn't know and is oblivious about it doesn't mean it hasn't happened
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Who said his life would be destroyed? We don't know him. If he doesn't know,..how on earth could his life have been destroyed the day his gf cheated?
Why do you assume all sorts of things about this man, based on how YOU would feel?
I can understand anyone feeling so angry and betrayed they WANT to hurt someone else but it doesn't mean you have to do it.
We have no idea what the repercussions would be and can't just assume the man will sensible walk away from his gf - WHAT IF -he reacts violently to his her? He could be abusive for all you know. Would anyone seriously think she would deserve that? Of course,..you probably think she would 'deserve' it for being evil enough to have an affair even though you have absolutely no idea why she did or know anything about her life or her relationship.
If you don't know the people and you have no idea what issues or problems they may have, surely it is best to keep out of it?

I think if she was in such a physically abusive relationship, she would not risk it in the first place tbh. If there is any fall out from him finding out, now or later, from OP or someone else, it isn't anyone else's responsibility.

There are a lot of assumptions because no-one knows what will happen, we can only say what we would prefer. I would prefer to know, so I say tell him.

I was told by OW's husband. He had only just found out himself and was shocked and distressed. I'm glad he told me. It was excruciating, but that wasn't his fault. Several other people knew and hadn't said anything. I understand why they didn't but still feel humiliated if I have to be around them.

Dav. OP has one fact in her possession. Her husband had an affair with OW. This is an unchangeable truth.

Then there are lies, half-lies, secrets, suppositions and guesses.

Where you and I differ is on the relative importance of facts against the other stuff.

If - once in possession of the truth, OWDP chooses to beat her up, ignore it, have a revenge affair, top himself, leave her, join a monastery, or any other response you care dream up - that's HIS choice. Not OP's. She has no right to control his actions.

What you're advocating is that she control his access to the truth. Your rationale for this is based on guesses & suppositions: essentially, you want to control his possible future actions by controlling his knowledge about his own life.

I consider that immoral. You don't - fair enough, but I think your reasons are weak & silly. You want OP to keep a massive secret on behalf of a liar. You want her to collude in putting another person through what she's suffered.

I wonder why? Are you a cheating wife, by any chance???

OP can you clarify something, please? When I read your earlier, early comments you mentioned having to pretend and that your husband and the woman's had mutual friends. Does that mean that you are having to see them socially and pretend nothing is wrong? Because in that case there is no way in hell I'd fake it for a couple of cuntbags like that. I'd either tell her boyfriend or (better) dump my loser of a husband and find one better!

If you are having to see and pretend and fake to friends then I can see why it would be exhausting. If they aren't your friends though, fuck them, don't bother to see them, If they are your friends as well then I would be honest with them and if they tell him, that's up to them, but I'd definitely be honest with them.

I have told someone her DP (my close friend) was cheating on her. He's a serial cheat, much as I love him to bits he should never be in a relationship. He's never not cheated and, in this case, he was on the way to breaking her heart because she was seriously falling for him. She was naive and sweet and a really nice girl, I felt I owed it to her to tell her what he was really like. She burst into tears but she was so grateful, he'd been convincing her nothing was going on but she'd suspected. Having that confirmation relieved her and gave her the push to dump him before he did her. My friend pouted for a while over it, but got over it. Now we're all very upfront and honest about how much of a womaniser and cheat he is when he brings them out. If they still want to try and 'change him' then more fool them. He gets embarrassed but he's knows it's the truth and I think he's relieved not to hide it.

Someone told my friend her DH was cheating on her, worst possible timing, just after she'd had their firstborn. The text didn't help at such an emotional time but she had been suspicious and asked him and he'd lied to her about it all (obviously) even before the text. When he started acting that way again and proper gaslighting her, making her feel paranoid and stupid, the first thing she did was text the number and ask if her husband was cheating again- just on the off chance they knew again. Turned out it was the OW's sister who texted unknown to the OW (who that time hadn't known she was OW). She answered honestly and said they'd started things back up again and she'd had her suspicions that he was lying about being separated again but her sister was too weak to listen. Since she'd got no response last time and my friend had stayed married to him, she'd seen little point in bothering again. She figured my friend knew and turned and blind eye and her sister would get a very harsh clue when he dumped her for the next one. My friend and her actually talk a lot on PM facebook now, she's helped my friend get through her divorce as well. Very weird situation, made for heart flipping moments when my friend showed me the messages.

I know someone who cheated, with a good friend of mine and she was horrified and so upset when I had to tell her he had a fiancé. I must admit I didn't tell his fiancé though she's such a lovely person and part of me really wanted to, just because he did her wrong. He really saw an honest side to me when it came to the cheating, I told him her was a wanker for doing that to my friend, and to his DF, I really was furious with him for close to a year. He was one of DHs friends first and they moved in the same group, DH didn't want anyone to know at the time and stated he knew how sorry his friend was and that it was a one off according to the guy. He was furious with him and said it's no excuse but he couldn't bring himself to do anything to bring the news to light and cause issues. I suspect now that it's not a one off, I know he cheated on his last two girlfriends. I refused to socialise with them one on one though for that year, because I refused to lie or pretend. This year, it turned out that all his other friends knew which prompted him to very belatedly admit to her what he'd done, which was a weight off my mind because it meant when I saw her I felt I was being sincere and not holding back the truth and pretending everything was fine. He is still with her but whether he'll do it again, or has done, who knows. Three times now, three different women...sounds like he'll always chose to be that way.

There's no way I would want to be trapped in a secret triangle with the OW and ex?-DH, colluding against this fella.

OP's motives are not an issue here - by letting him in she will let herself out.

Plus why should someone screw you over for one year and get away scot-free just because "you have no idea what issues they have"?

But Davsmum you are also making assumptions about his reaction, such as him getting violent. Even if he was, this wouldn't be the fault of whoever told him. It would his for not controlling his temper.

However, ask anyone whose partner has cheated and they will tell you that it has made them reconsider their whole life and how none if what they thought existed. How do you when you have lived with a partner that cheated on you whether they meant what they said when they told they loved you, or when you were having projects, big or small, fir the future, when you talked about the future of your dcs etc.
So you think it's better for the cheated on party nit to know about it, burry their head in the sand, think they can build a future with the cheater, truly believe it even if it's a dream???
Of course learning that your partner cheated is crisp and hard to hear but at least you can rebuild your life, chose what you want to do with full knowledge of what is actually going on. This guy might decide to stay with his gf, he might decide to move on and leave her, whatever. But at least he has the CHOICE to do so.

I would also want to know. I'd hope my DH would tell me though but if not I would want someone to. I like to make my own informed choices, if I'm missing pertinent information then I can't do that.

Everyone had their own compass of things though, one friend has always insisted to me that if her DH just kisses then she doesn't want to know but anything else and she does.

But Davsmum you are also making assumptions about his reaction, such as him getting violent. Even if he was, this wouldn't be the fault of whoever told him. It would his for not controlling his temper.
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No,..I am not PotsAndCambert I said 'What if' he is violent - and I said this to point out we don't know,..anymore than we know that telling him would do any good at all.
I am also not advocating that OP control his access to the truth nor do I want to control his future actions as GarlicGhoul suggests because the only way not to try to control his future actions is to not interfere in the first place.
OP does not need to do anything and in that way she has no influence on their future either way.
You should not be judging the OW. She had an affair - You have no insight into why or what her 'reasons' may be, so to make yourself judge & Jury and deliver the 'truth' to her BF is totally irresponsible.

And NO,..I am not a cheating wife,..never have been,..and if my DP cheated I would not be blaming or have any interest in the OW at all because I would be more concerned about my own relationship and wondering what went wrong.

I would also want to know. I am sure that some people tell the aggrieved party out of revenge or to hurt them in some way, but I would rather that than be the last to know - which is so often the case.

Well the fact that he has cheated is a fact.
And by not saying anything then that person us taking the decision that the cheated party is better off not knowing.
Either way the person who knows is making a decision for both the cheater and the cheated on.

I'm not sure though why you think I'm judging the OW. Plenty if people on that thread have done so but I don't think I have. My point is t to say she has done something immoral. But that whether it's something her bf can live with/they can work through or whatever is his to do. And he can only do that if he knows.
As stated by so many other people who have been cheated on on this thread.

"I'd want to know".

Bullshit. You have no idea whether you would.

I wish I didn't know. I certainly wish the OW's H hadn't taken it upon himself to contact me. As it happened, the affair was definitely over and DH had already confessed (and yes, we got through it, and are happily married some years on), but in OWH's hurt he invaded my privacy and that was Not Cool. Because his marriage was in tatters he wanted to destroy mine.

Some people would want to know, others wouldn't. You have absolutely no idea. Don't assume you are doing him a favour.

"I'd want to know".

Bullshit. You have no idea whether you would.

What a patronising comment. Yes, Ruthless, you're right, everyone else is exactly like you and, because you didn't want to know, they wouldn't either.

No one else knows their own mind, right? If they say they do it's bullshit.

Why would anybody accuse a poster who has a different opinion to them of being a 'cheating wife'? Bizarre. Can't a difference of opinion be just that without resulting in accusations being hurled? Pretty nasty ones too.

Fair did you read my whole post? Like the bit where I said:

Some people would want to know, others wouldn't. You have absolutely no idea. Don't assume you are doing him a favour.

I said you DON'T KNOW whether you would want to know. People who have been in that situation blithely say "I would want to know and I would LTB" but it isn't as simple as that and gives me the Howling Rage when I hear it.

Yes I read your whole post.

I said you DON'T KNOW whether you would want to know

You can say that, but you'd be wrong. I personally absolutely would want to know. I know that for a fact. If dh wants to shag around he can, but he can't have me too.

I know that, he knows that. If it happens, the result will be no surprise to either of us. Is that clear enough for you, or do you still think it's bullshit?

I respect your conviction.

I thought like that too.

Well, as I said, don't expect everyone to be exactly the same as you.

It would be wrong, cruel and undignified. And it would achieve nothing. Your marriage is probably fucked either way - why complicate things further by dragging innocent bystanders into it?

For all you know he might already know and then you'll feel a bit silly. And even if he doesn't yet know, it won't give you the satisfaction you think it will, or the closure you are looking for, it will just add another layer of shit to wade through. What if he comes and thumps your husband, or bangs on your door making a show of himself in the street? How will that help?

You and your H worry about what has happened to your relationship and let her worry about what has happened to hers.

All you people saying you'd want to know, yes I get that, but I don't think this is the way you'd want to find out.

I would send it, I would be bitter that she was "getting away" with it probably thinking that she hasn't lost anything

hello how do you think people should find out that their partner has been cheating?
Is there really a good way to do so?
Is it better that their DP tells them when they actually want out and there is no way left to save the marriage?
Is it better that they find a text on their DP phone?
Is it better that they find out by chance 5 years later or just when it started, after their DP has had several affairs?

I have to say I'm struggling to see how one of these ways can be better than the others. It's still about learning that your works has collapsed around you.

but I don't think this is the way you'd want to find out

I wouldn't care how I found out as long as I knew. I would simply say, thank you for letting me know because the bearer of bad news is not the person responsible for the hurt.

If I found out that friends knew and didn't tell me, I would not consider them friends. If I found out that family knew and didn't tell me I would start to distance myself from them. Luckily, all my family and friends know this and so does dh, so there will hopefully be no nasty secrets lurking out there for me.

But even if there are, I would want to know. I am building a life with a man. I am planning to retire with him. Do I want all that based on a lie. No way. We are together because we want to be. That's it. If he wants someone else he can have them, I'm not trying to stake a claim on him. He's free to leave if he wants. And so am I. If he hurt me in that way, I would leave. If my friends and family hurt me, I wouldn't want them either. I only want people I can trust in my life.

So that's what I try to give to others. Honesty and trust. And let them be informed and make their own decisions.

Those of you who wouldn't tell, and who don't want to be told - how many other bad things would you rather keep secret from others, or be kept from you? A terminal diagnosis? Impending redundancy? Your mortgage plan going wrong? A partner's huge debts? A partner's addiction?

This isn't a trick question, btw I'm curious. I get that not everyone's as keen on the truth as I am, but don't quite understand it.