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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
Infinity8 · 01/11/2014 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wanttosqueezeyou · 01/11/2014 17:18

I'd want someone to tell me. I don't care who or why but certainly wouldn't want to be kept in the dark.

I don't think its your 'responsibility' to tell him OP but I think it would be polite to let him know. As nicely as possible via whichever method you feel most comfortable. Treat others as you'd like to be treated etc

Davs
I think I made it clear I believed she should move on and stop trying to make herself feel better by causing more trouble!

She's pretty sure her marriage is over, her DH cheated for a year. Why shouldn't she try and make herself feel better?

OP, you might save him from making a mistake with this woman, or confirm his fears. And I think these possibilities are far more likely than him getting drunk and running a car load of children over or any of the other suggested consequences.

GarlicNovember · 01/11/2014 18:51

I wouldn't want to find out years later and realise I had been living a lie.

Yes. This is why I mentioned the story about XH's fraud. I was trying to move the principle of the thing away from the obsession with revenge/jealousy/etc. The friends who knew allowed me to go ahead and marry a fake - someone I would not have married if I'd known he was a criminal. It's no different in principle from keeping quiet about an infidelity.

I agree with addicted, it'd be no bad thing if we all 'policed' each other's relationships in this way! I thought so when I read the quoted post, but didn't have the bottle to say it Grin

Davsmum · 01/11/2014 21:02

If your partner cheats and you find out 20 years later,..It does not mean you have been living a lie.
If you have been happy for 20 years - you have been happy. That happiness is real. Your partner may have spent those 20 years making sure you were happy and regretting what they did every moment.
THEY will have suffered guilt and regret for those 20 years so you could be happy.
The people who want to spill the beans are as bad as the cheaters. Both types think inflicting pain is ok.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2014 21:33

Still agreeing with Davsmum and haven't waivered.

For those who think that 'policing' is the right thing to do, where do you draw the line? You find out that somebody who is behaving as a dad to a child isn't actually their dad - your business to make sure child knows, of course - and anybody else in earshot.

Away from relationship cheating there's reporting those you think are getting too many benefits? Those who report somebody for having a drink and driving (they may be under the limit but hey, somebody should police them), basically anything and everything that is really nobody's but is anybody's business. Hours of fun for everyone.

RuthlessBaggage · 01/11/2014 21:43

Boney I'm tired so I'm not sure I understand the question Blush

I already knew my marriage was in trouble, but it was largely mended by the time of the big reveal (which was some months after the fact).

Tbh and fwiw I wasn't bothered that DH had dipped his wick elsewhere - I do realise that's not the typical reaction! - but I was devastated by things OW's H told me about myself which could only mean DH had discussed me with her. That was awful, the idea that during our bad patch he'd talked to her about it rather than to me. And there is and was no benefit to me of knowing that.

When people say they would leave a cheater, I assume they're more bothered about physical monogamy than I am (not that I'm a swinger, just that I don't emotionalise sex in that way).

I've been repeatedly reminded upthread that not everyone is like me. Yes, indeed. But some people are like me. So unless you know that the OW's H "would definitely want to be told" and "would 100% leave a cheater" I don't believe you can assert with confidence that he would be glad of the information.

GarlicNovember · 01/11/2014 21:49

If I'd known XH was a fraudster, then I wouldn't have had to wonder why I felt uneasy about some of his activities. I wouldn't have allowed him to make me doubt myself. Because I would have known he was a liar. I wouldn't even have been in that position, because I never wanted to marry a lying con-man.

So tell me again how the friends who kept this from me were increasing the sum of my happiness?

GarlicNovember · 01/11/2014 21:54

Lying and Dav - For those who think that 'policing' is the right thing to do, where do you draw the line?

How do you feel about Sarah's Law and Clare's Law?

GarlicNovember · 01/11/2014 21:57

Ruthless, you're making rather a lot of assumptions there. Not least of which, that you "don't emotionalise sex", even though you were devastated that your H evidently had.

It should be screechingly obvious that, if OWDP knows and/or doesn't care that his girlfriend has affairs, then OP isn't going to do any damage.

UptheAnty · 01/11/2014 22:00

Who makes these rules??
The cheaters get to decide if they tell their partners or not ?!?! Says who?

Why do the cheaters get rule protection, they don't play by them but get the benefit when it's in their interest.

I actually have dealt with this exact situation this week and yes I did tell him - and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

RuthlessBaggage · 01/11/2014 22:17

Garlic I possibly didn't explain well.I genuinely don't link sex and love, although I conveniently love the (only) person I shag and vice versa. I did not feel betrayed when DH revealed the sexual affair (mind you, I haven't told DH that in so many words). When later OW's H revealed they'd been having heart-to-heart conversations, I was practically suicidal. I was also fucking furious when DH said he'd had similar conversations with a male friend.

Anyway, the point of sharing my story was to dispel the assumption that all partners would be grateful for the information and would act on it. Because I agree that if it were 100% true then OP would have a moral obligation to disclose what she knows... but I know it to be less than 100%, and given how many marriages have survived infidelity it may be more like 75% or less, and I felt it important to address the false assumption.

RuthlessBaggage · 01/11/2014 22:20

This fucking phone.

Re: do no damage if he doesn't care, or already knows. I take your point, but if a stranger pointed out that your tights were laddered when you knew or didn't care, you could still be annoyed by the intrusion.

heartisaspade · 01/11/2014 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykadelic · 01/11/2014 23:44

OP As you have mutual friends and do NOT have to keep the secret about why your marriage is ending, the details are yours to tell, then I do think it would be kind to meet with OW's bf to tell him what has happened and that you will not be keeping it a secret so you didn't want him to be upset by hearing it as "rumour".

You don't have to be leaving your H to want to be able to talk abut what has happened and is happening in your life and your relationship without censure. That said, while I understand you're angry at her and you want to hurt her too... telling her BF in a catty way hurts him, not her. I would want to tell him genuinely because I believe he should be afforded the chance to make his own choice and because I would want to know (he might not so be open about that too).

Please don't do it with the idea its going to "hurt" her and whatever because the cheats always hurt less than the one being cheated on.

RuthlessBaggage · 02/11/2014 07:24

Oh, yes, I know it is shooting the messenger Grin but it's easier to be angry with a stranger.

I think probably, on balance, OP should tell him, but she should do so knowing that he might resent the telling.

(I was angry with DH not for having friends but for giving intimate detail of my very private problems incl hospital appts and counselling. He can tell friends I put cutlery in the dishwasher wrong, sure)

KatieKaye · 02/11/2014 08:19

IMO the OP would BVU not to tell this man. There are four people here - three of whom know about the affair and only one is in the dark, effectively living a lie.
How humiliating for him - as well as devastating, to know that his partner, her lover/his best friend and OP all know that situation and yet he alone is unaware.
This guy has the right to know and then to make decisions based on that knowledge.
If there is a east bad way to receive this news, then I would prefer it to be delivered by text - that way you are not "put on the spot" by having to process the news in the presence (audible or physical) of someone else.

Davsmum · 02/11/2014 08:30

Lying and Dav - For those who think that 'policing' is the right thing to do, where do you draw the line?
How do you feel about Sarah's Law and Clare's Law?
-----------------

As far as I am aware - Infidelity is not a criminal offence. I would not compare the situation OP is in to those 'laws'
The situation here is emotional and moral feelings and obligations - and they are far too complicated for people to go poking their noses in.
You can only deal with your own situation with the person YOU have some moral & emotional commitment with.

WHO your OH has an affair with is irrelevant really. Happy, settled and committed people do not have affairs. Your energy should be spent trying to sort that out with your partner one way or another.
The OW and her partners relationship will go whatever way it should,..without your 'help'

Davsmum · 02/11/2014 08:35

KatieKay If he is unaware - he is not humiliated.
Nice that many of you want to make sure he is.

If my OH had an affair I would not be 'humiliated'! People do not 'do things' to you. They have affairs for their own reasons or failings. It is not a reflection on you - it is a reflection on them!
I cannot believe adults have not matured beyond everything being about 'them'

BitOutOfPractice · 02/11/2014 08:49

The reason I think the op shouldn't tell aren't noble or anything. I think she shouldn't tell because, in the long run, I think it will make her feel worse, not better.

Yes there will be the initial adrenaline rush and all the ensuing drama. But in the long term I think she'll think "I wish I had kept my dignified silence".

My mantra in all of these scenarios is to ignore the ow and her life. And get in with your own. I know it's hard, believe me, I know. But it's the best way, in my opinion, to start moving forward

JustAShopGirl · 02/11/2014 08:49

What happens if his reply is not what YOU want to hear...
e.g. "Your wife has been having an affair with my husband for a year"

"Oh, I think you will find it was for longer than that.. , she said it was from when you were in hospital having child 2..."

or "I know"

or "f off"

or "she was one of many, you know that don't you"

Sort out YOUR relationship, if he was a personal friend I would tell, otherwise it does smack of revenge or wanting someone else to feel the way you do.

KatieKaye · 02/11/2014 08:55

Davsmum - the humiliation is obviously because out of the four people involved he is the only one not to know the truth. So he's not only being cheated on, he's also the only party ignorant of what is going on. There are probably other people who also know what is going on. The humiliation is because of the lack of knowledge, not the cheating per se. It does not take any great amount of empathy to realise this.

So you would not be humiliated - that's fine. Many people feel differently, including me. Trying to denigrate this by making statements about maturity does not advance your argument in the sightest.

You seem to be taking all this very personally. Other people do have views and they might just be as valid as your own.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/11/2014 09:10

Yes KatieKaye but sometimes it can be a tough gig to hold and express an opinion that goes against the vast majority on a thread. Especially when you're being scolded!

Frogme · 02/11/2014 09:21

I'd feel doubly betrayed if friends knew, and didn't tell me.

I would also hope that the other cheated upon partner would tell me. We would all be in the same boat together. I wouldn't see it as revenge but empathy. - and wouldn't be particularly bothered if it was obviously revenge. My relief at not being kept in the dark would outweigh that. To me it would be humiliating knowing that everybody has probably been feeling sorry for me and/or talking about it, and I didn't know and therefore couldn't choose what to do about it.

JustAShopGirl · 02/11/2014 09:24

if he is oblivious.

Nomama · 02/11/2014 10:00

His response is also irrelevant, ShopGirl.

Just as OP really should tell him, he should have told her if he was aware, so any extra information she gets from him is to be accepted.

If no one speaks out the 'bad guys' basically get given a free pass to carry on regardless, or at least to be able to minimise their actions, pass blame and hide details.

As I said before, OPs immediate motives are totally irrelevant, in this scenario.