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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person Hmm

OP posts:
GarlicGhoul · 30/10/2014 14:37

the motive is NEVER for anyone else's good but for your own selfish reasons.

Bollocks. What was my motive for telling my friend about her fiancé?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 30/10/2014 14:40

Never ? I never say never. There are as many permutations of this age old problem than there are stars in the sky.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 14:42

You were not telling someone you did not know that their partner had cheated with your OWN husband GarlicGhoul
That is when it is a selfish reason.
I am not talking about people telling someone they care about - I am talking about OP telling someone she does not even know. THAT is about her own selfish reasons.
You miss the point.

rockpinkpumpkin · 30/10/2014 14:43

I wish I'd known from friends when STBXH was cheating. Some mutual friends knew and didn't tell me.
I received an anonymous text from someone telling me to
"ask my hubby about XXX" and that
"XXX is pregnant and doesn't know who the father is"
When I furiously replied saying if they didn't tell me who they were I would go to the police and report them they panicked and said
"Sorry I thought I was helping please don't do that I will stop sorry"
So I am actually glad I was told by this shit-stirrer but I wish I'd been told by someone who might have broken it to me gently.

(yes I have kept the texts, for three years)

Send it. But not anonymously.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 14:45

I think it's worse when so called friends know and don't tell you. What kind of friend are they?

GarlicGhoul · 30/10/2014 14:46

Blimey, rock, that must have been hard.

rockpinkpumpkin · 30/10/2014 14:51

Well those "friends" have been cut off by everyone in my friendship group and STBXH's friendship group as well.
Yeah it was hard! But man, am I glad to be rid of him !! Grin

WitchWay · 30/10/2014 14:53

Whether he finds out or not is actually none of your business.

Having said that, I would tell him in order to stir up a load of trouble for the OW & potentially for the cheating DH. Nasty, yes.

When my DH cheated with a friend of mine, I couldn't bring myself to tell her husband - when he (her DH) became suspicious & spoke to me about it, I told him what I knew then the shit really hit the fan

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 14:56

That is it - It is different if a friend tells you because they care about you - but even that can go wrong. I have heard of people who 'blame' their friend who told them and forgive their cheating partner.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 14:58

So OP should tell the friend then and let the friend tell him.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 15:07

OP should just keep it to herself and sort out her marriage.

curlyweasel · 30/10/2014 15:23

If you really think OW's bf needs to know, then I think you should tell OW to tell him. It's not your place and would make you look spiteful. That being said, I do agree with what's been said upthread - your husband broke his vows to you and was unfaithful (not the OW), so it's really not your place to involve yourself in her affairs if that makes sense (and if you'll pardon the pun). Move on.

FreeSpirit89 · 30/10/2014 17:17

The other woman will probably say your some physco out to cause trouble and he will believe her.

I'd leave it. Walk away with your head held high, she had no loyalty to you it's your husband who betrayed you not her, she owes you nothing.

Direct your anger at him

PotsAndCambert · 30/10/2014 17:31

Well if you go on the relationship board, you will loads of people advocating that the OP should leave her DH if she doesn't really love him anymore on the ground that 'it will give him the opportunity to make his life with someone who really loves him' instead of a life built on 'lies'. Never mind that the chap still loves the OP, that it will destroy his life or that actually he is quite happy with the life he has at that moment in time.
But here as we are talking about an affair, then it's not acceptable anymore Confused. Never mind that 90% of people whose partner has cheated would like to know about it, that their life is based on lies or that they might have spent the last year (or two or 3) wondering that something wasn't quite right....

OP you need to think carefully about that one but not the reasons people have mentioned such as 'you don't know him' or 'you will destroy his life' (you won't btw. His cheating gf has).
It's more about your own personal reasons to do so and if by sending this text you will actually feel better (tbh I'm not sure you will). Also if you actually feel deeply that letting someone know their partner has affair is something important. In that case I would assume this is a news that you will be careful in giving to make it as 'easy' for him to hear and not as a way to vent your anger towards the OW.

PotsAndCambert · 30/10/2014 17:36

Tbh I think you will only look spiteful if you are spiteful and angry in your message. A message based on the real wish to inform him because he should know will not look like that. It's very different to say 'your gf is a cow who has had an affair with my DH for over a year. She is a scumbag blabla' is different than telling him you are really sorry he is in that position too but really he should know what is going on to be able to decide what he wants to do.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 30/10/2014 17:54

I would tell as I would want to be told. Anyone suggesting they can read my mind and say that I give that advice with glee at the potential fall out and my motives can fuck right off.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 30/10/2014 18:16

Dav- maybe for you the only reason you would tell would be for selfish reasons but we don't all think the same way, and I certainly don't think the same way that you do. I would tell the OW's partner because I think it is the right thing to do, not out of spite, and it is not for you to decide other people's motives, especially when they are telling you they're contrary to how you think.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 18:57

I wouldn't tell in this particular situation so there is no selfishness there at all.
To do it in THIS situation is definitely selfish. I have not decided anyone's motive - They decide that and it shows with what they say.
I could just as well say it is not for YOU to decide what is best for someone you don't know - especially when you don't know the repercussions.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2014 19:40

I agree with Davsmum, Bianca and JohnFarleysRuskin, for all different reasons but it will look like exactly what it is - spite/glee. Do your worst, OP. For karma believers (I am not), be careful it doesn't turn around and wallop you hard on the way out for your spite.

I would expect my husband to tell me and I believe that he would. I wouldn't believe a cowardly text from a random anyway. Though I might have more respect for them if they rang me and told me over the phone or face to face.

rockpinkpumpkin · 30/10/2014 20:20

So if it's karma that my STBHX left me and I lost the house and all savings? Well I'm going to have a whale of a life next time Grin
(I do actually like the idea of karma!!!)

I would tell, but tell him personally. Not by text or Facebook message.

PotsAndCambert · 30/10/2014 20:28

Davsmum could you explain how the OP would be the one to destroy that man life when it's his gf who cheated on him? Confused

Or are you saying that the person who is destroying his life is the one to tell him the truth? But not the one who cheated, lied and treated badly?

Sorry but this mans life has been destroyed the day his gf cheated on him. The fact he doesn't know and is oblivious about it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

I do agree that a phone call would be better but can also see how this could be very hard for the OP to do wo bursting into tears/getting angry.

PotsAndCambert · 30/10/2014 20:30

lying are you saying you would expect your DH to tell you he is having an affair? And when do you think he would/should do that?
Most people who are having an affair will have been lying/concealing things for months, why us it that they would suddenly come clear?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2014 20:36

Pots... When we got together, we discussed this and agreed that we would, if either of us met somebody else that we wanted to be with, would tell the other one and take it from there. We'd obviously split but it would be amicable and we'd both do all we could to keep things that way.

That was the plan anyway... not needed to be put into action so far. I hope it never comes to pass, looking at it, it does seem extremely simplistic and 'ideal'.

I brought it up as a 'key thing' because I did have an affair when I was younger and single and it was a bloody awful thing.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 30/10/2014 21:37

People having affairs tell lies no matter what promises they made before.

Those wedding vows ? Those were promises. They were agreements. Adulterers trash those promises with lies.

It's the nature of the beast, goes with the territory, it's what it's all about. the lies and deceit.

if there were no lies and deceit, there would be no cheating.

MagicMojito · 31/10/2014 03:13

Mumsnet makes me realise what an uncouf, unreasonable person I am Grin

I see nothing wrong at all with doing it out of spite or revenge in a situation like this. There is no way I'd feel guilty about destroying the OW's relationship. In fact I'd go as far as to say, it would actually feel pretty darn good.