To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

[SassyOlaf]

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

I'd do it.

Not for revenge.

Not to make myself feel better.

Just because each person has one life and he's using part of that life to be with someone and it is highly likely he doesn't know that the person doesn't actually love or care about him at all. He deserves to know and to make a choice based on that knowledge. If he already knows (unlikely) then no harm done.

But then I believe that anyone who cheats especially for an extended length of time doesn't give a shiny shit about their partner.

Has the OP stayed with her husband or has she left him?

Do those of you who think OP should inform this man about his GFs cheating also think we should seek out the partners of anyone who we hear is cheating,..or we should only tell the partners of people who cheat with our own DH?
I have often heard of people who are having affairs,...Not people I know very well, if at all, but once I know they are, it would seem my duty would be to seek out and tell their partner?

Just imagine how many people who also know, would be rushing to someone's door to 'tell them the truth'

Of course,..this would really be the duty of someone who wanted some sort of revenge wouldn't it?

I would send it.
He can then digest it in private.
It's horrible to be the bearer of bad news but it's not as bad as what his partner has been doing

Should we tell everyone what people are doing to them/ saying about them? I think that it is just a terrible way for our society to work.

You are never going to iron out infidelity. You just aren't. But if we all told of every possible hurt to everyone else there would be a breakdown of just about every kind of relationship.

I counsel keeping quiet unless there is actual abuse happening. i still remember being told about one friend who didn't like the way i held a cigarette to the centre of my lips, because it looked "try hard" when i was 16.

RuthlessBaggage

From what you have posted he didn't invade your privacy, he was slap bang in the middle of it. Your "D"H and his "D"W put him there.

I completely agree shh. Whether we like it or not someone will always be being unfaithful somewhere, for all sorts of complex reasons and often, left to their own devices they will shake themselves out of it and buckle down to their marriage where they know they really belong. Having an affair isn't always a bed of roses for the person having it, either.

Sometimes they just haven't come clean because they haven't been found out yet, but sometimes they haven't come clean because they know they've made a mistake and they are trying hard to extricate themselves from it with as little collateral damage as possible. There must be hundreds of people on MN alone who are in relationships that are very happy and stable now but at some point one or other of them has had an affair, ended it, stayed quiet about it and moved on. Some hornets' nests are best left unpoked by outsiders. Especially if they are motivated by spite.

Why on earth would anyone keep the ow's secret for her?

Beats me.

Do you send her money too? Just in case the dear lady has financial problems.

Minding your OWN business is not keeping a secret.

I agree with you HelloItsMeFell No one knows why anyone has been daft enough to have an affair or whether they can go on to maintain a successful and happy relationship,..whether they regret what they did and are determined to put things back on track.
There will be people who have had one night stands and deeply regret it.

Its mad to ruin the future because of it - but then again, they had best hope that some bloody self righteous do gooder does not feel compelled to tell their partner 'the truth'

Boney I do see your point, but actually the relationship status of my husband's OW is nothing to do with me (and DH's therefore was nothing to do with OW's H). It isn't the marriages that cause the cheating, but the cheaters.

Another agreeing with HelloItsMeFell. It's not an outsider's place to tell, it's up to the two people involved to tell their partners if they choose to.

Telling is just done out of spite, no matter how many try to dress it up as something 'honourable', it isn't.

Well, you seem to be talking in general cases rather than this specific one davs mum.

The ow had a year long affair with ops DH. It is ops business. A person who does nothing because, "oh dear, it would be mad to ruin the ows future with her partner", is equally deserving of being called a bloody self righteous do gooder.

I discovered, through friends, that my husband had committed a financial fraud before I knew him. It was the kind of fraud I deem inexcusable. I would not have married him if I'd known - to my mind, I married a man who was averagely dishonest, only to find out I'd actually married a criminal.

I think the friends did me a massive disservice in keeping his secret.

It's a fine line though. It's not nice, pretending you don't know something that would be devastating to someone else when you do, but on the whole I think it's better to keep your nose out and say nothing than to burden everyone with everything that goes on behind their back that they might not be happy about. Blimey, if we all did that all the time there'd barely be a person speaking to anyone else. Sometimes it's best to let people work things out using their own instincts.

Well, I agree with that too. But I'd make an exception when your partner has been shagging my partner.

I did have to tell a friend that her H was being unfaithful once. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I was put in a situation where I knew she was going to find out anyway, she already half knew iyswim, and I would rather it came from me than from the other person who I knew was going to take great delight in telling her. It wasn't a nice thing to have to do at all and I took no perverse pleasure in it, unlike to potential situation with the OP.

In my case they did end up divorced, but I think that was inevitable anyway. I wish I could have unseen what I saw and have played no part in whatever happened after the fact, but it didn't work that way unfortunately. I'm not sure I would do it again though. I have always wondered if deep down she held it against me, and that if I'd left well alone they might have worked it out. In this case I really doubt it, but I'll never know.

I think its unfair to say the op is taking a perverse pleasure from it.

I might - but the op doesn't come across in that way at all. She just sounds very, very hurt.

She wants to punish the OW. She wants to bring her life crashing down around her. She is not going to tell him for any other reason than to damage the OW. That is perverse pleasure in my book. Maybe it's entirely understandable, a normal human reaction but not one that is necessarily justified.

Actually scratch that, I have just realised I am muddling two very similar threads where the other OP admitted being very bitter that the OW seems to be getting off too lightly. Apologies.

Well, you seem to be talking in general cases rather than this specific one davs mum.
The ow had a year long affair with ops DH. It is ops business. A person who does nothing because, "oh dear, it would be mad to ruin the ows future with her partner", is equally deserving of being called a bloody self righteous do gooder.
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The OPs marriage is her business,..the other relationship is not.
If the affair is over, then it is over. It is up to the OW if she wants to tell her partner. There may be reasons she can't or won't - but that is her business. She may have even told him already,..who knows?

I doubt very much the OP gives a toss about OWs partner. She just wants to get at the OW for something her own husband did to her.

I would want to know whether it's letter, email or a text or a phone call. I wouldn't want to find out 20years later and realise I had been living a lie.

As I have posted before... I rang and told a friend that her DH was cheating on her. It all got very complicated (his actions were just crazy and uncaring) but about 4 or 5 years on she and her new OH are good friends with DH and I.

I don't care what your immediate motives are OP, find his phone number and tell him. He deserves to know so that he can regain control of his life. He may not know he has lost control, yet, but the longer he is allowed to live a lie the worse it will be for him.

I never understand threads like these.

So many people seemingly unable to move from the OW-centred perspective. 'You just want to hut HER'. 'Why ruin his life' 'Revenge is bad'... etc.

And yet, and yet... so many people saying, at the same time - if it was me, if my partner was playing me for a fool and I had complete strangers debating my lie of a relationship behind my back - of course I hope that someone would tell me the truth about what was actually going on in my own life.

The OW is meaningless in this.

So what if OP's main driver is revenge, hurting OW, etc.

The most important - in fact the only thing here really - is that OP has information which could, probably will, make all the difference to how another person chooses to live their life.

This poor guy's life is a LIE.

If I had information that could prevent someone, oh I don't know, buying that used car which a mate has told me is a death trap... from sinking their savings into a business that I have insider knowledge on and know it's going to fold in 6 months... from buying an expensive laptop from a retailer I know is about to go into liquidation... would I tell them? Or would I just think 'Butt out - none of MY business.'

Of course I'd tell them.

She's been cheating on him for a long time. No hasty 'mistake' here. He's presumably blissfully ignorant, and could well be planning to link finances, have children with a woman who is taking him for a nasty ride. What you say, then, could make the difference between a lovely, innocent guy ending up having a family with the right or the wrong person. Ending up as a weekend dad to his children through no fault of his own. You have knowledge that could stop him fucking up his life.

Please tell him. It is the decent thing to do. The OW? Who gives a fuck. She isn't important, and neither is any 'perceived' revenge. Feel it if you like, enjoy it if you like - I'm sure you're past that anyway. Just do the decent thing and tell this poor guy the truth, for his sake.

Someone mentioned up thread about the idea of everyone being the 'police' as such and cluing OH into cheating partners. I actually think that's a great idea, may make people less inclined to cheat if they can't get away with it and saves the OHs a shit load of future heartache is they know straight up.

Since the OP mentioned moving in mutual circles and having to pretend nothing is wrong, it may well be her business if she's having to lie and play happy families when something is wrong. Being honest about the affair to those friends should be her first thing though, rather then the OW partner.

Ruthless
How would you have felt if your DH hadn't confessed?
How did the OW's DH find out about the affair?

It seems to me that in order for someone to know that they want to rebuild a marriage they should know that it needs to be rebuilt.

Frankly I wouldn't want to stay with a cheater, I can say this as I have been through it.

"It seems to me that in order for someone to know that they want to rebuild a marriage they should know that it needs to be rebuilt. "

Quite. Regardless of whether you choose to reconcile or kick them to the curb.