to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

[niceguy2]

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

Would she not go halves or take it in turns to pay?

If DD has a job she can pay for her own tran tickets, surely?

Poor kid.

What do you think is in his best interest?

Is he too young to go up on the train alone? At least some of the journey?

(Please dont let him know about the petty ticket squabbles between you and his mum)

The point is your children wish to see their mum. For me that would be the only issue unless I really couldn't afford it and was struggling. Are you struggling financially or is it just the principle? If it's about the principle then yes that is unreasonable. It shouldn't be about making it equally hard for each other. It should be about your children feeling they can see their parent without feeling awkward because they know their parents are going to start squabbling about who pays.

I think all 3 of you should split the cost. Your dd has a job now and should contribute.

Dd should pay for herself as she opted out of the original plan so it's reasonable to expect her to sort herself out.

Could ds travel on his own?

I'm afraid I agree with the poster above. Unless you are struggling to pay and understandably need to save on fares, the 'principle of it' shouldn't win out. I would never cause any hassle over my children going to see their dad.

And surely a lad of 13 could get the train himself?

And I realise it might be unfair, I really do.

I don't think I would make my DD pay in this situation. Why should she have to pay to see her mum?

Does your ex pay child support? I don't think Yabu, why should the resident parent be landed with all the costs? Unless you're ex pays a ton of maintenance then you aren't being unreasonable. But unfortunately as others have pointed out, I think the main thing is your ds seeing his mother. So ultimately I think you'll just have to suck it up.

Your daughter can buy her own ticket. Also she is old enough to take her and your son on the train, you do not need to take them both.

Perhaps relax a little

@Guitar - ex pleads poverty yet can afford a 2 week holiday abroad. Go figure.

@Quints, The original proposal from me was that DS goes up on the train on his own and ex meets him at a different station which is about 40 min drive from her house. That's a direct train. Either that or she gets the train to meet him at the station (20 min). She refused to saying that she feels DS is too young. I disagreed saying he's fine to go on the first train as it's direct but I agree that I didn't want him to swap trains on his own.

I refused to her original suggestion of I take him up alternate weekends as that would have been £100 a month for me and that's not even close to what she pays me as 'maintenance'.

I won't tell DS about this but I've stopped protecting DD from the truth since she turned 18. I don't see why I should sugar coat the truth with her since her mum is even refusing to lift a finger to help when she goes to uni (a subject I've posted about before).

Sorry, I meant your dd

Is there not a cheaper way?

Annual passes or family ticket or open ended returns?

Alternate route missing out major town/city that's cheaper?

Tesco club card points or online deals?

Just take DS to the train station and see him onto the train and his mum can meet him at the other end. As long as there are no changes at busy stations he will be fine on his own, he is 13 not 3.
Then the cost is simple: you pay one way and his mum pays the return fare or if a return ticket is cheaper you can just alternate paying.
At the end of the day the contact is far more important than the money unless you are struggling financially.
Do not let your dislike of your ex become an argument about payment of tickets to facilitate contact.

YANBU to think your adult daughter who is capable of working does not need her daddy to pay for her ticket. I'm less convinced about your DS. It depends; can you afford it or is this just on principle?

Your DD is old enough and earning, she shouldn't, expect to have her fares paid for anymore, but if her MUM wants to sub her to visit her, then great, no reason you should!

DS who has been paying until now & why?

It would be a fair chunk of my daughter's pay since she's only just started and isn't getting as many shifts as she wants. Plus she's a student, she's not full time or I'd totally agree that she should pay.

@Mmolly. The issue is that DS has already gone (last night) with me but DD didn't want to go until the weekend. Usually they go together so I've ignored the cost to try and keep the peace. But frankly ex is taking the utter piss.

She's a student? Can she not get a student discount?

Then the cost is simple: you pay one way and his mum pays the return fare or if a return ticket is cheaper you can just alternate paying.

Ha! Alternate paying!?! I could only DREAM of this. Back when I didn't pay, she used to put the kids on the train without a ticket. Poor kids (DD was 14 and DS was 10) used to have duck the inspector or rely on their compassion by claiming mum put them on the train and they didn't have money for a ticket.

@Giles, the £20 is including student discount. I've already paid for DD to have both a 16-25 & friends & family rail cards (another £60 a year!) so they can get the best discounts when traveling

At 13he is old enough to get the train himself, even with a change. Handy that DD will be there this time to help him. Job done. Mum can pay for both of their tickets back as you took DS there and it will help DD out.

Stop pandering to she who whinges.

Your dd is no longer a child and should make her own decisions and pay her own way . I would say that you will pay for DS to take the train to the station 40 minutes away ( on his own) and ex will have to collect from there or he won't be going either.

It's not unreasonable for you to say you're not paying the extra £20, I think you're right not to pay. But it's not up to you to insist the ex pays, that's between your ex and your dd.