to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

[niceguy2]

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

I'm surprised at the comments that "dd shouldn't pay to see her mum". Once i was at uni, I paid for my train home to see both my (still together) parents. Admittedly, this was only once a term. I fail to see what dd making weekend plans to visit anyone has to do with her dad now, let alone that he ought to pay.

OP, could you make DD an allowance each month out of which she budgets things like this?

WRT to your 18yr old, I would make her as financially independent as possible. Give her an allowance with no top-ups. If she wants to go see her mum she can either pay out of her money or ask her mum to sub her.

With respect to your 13 year old if they want to go you need to facilitate that, even if you pay the full cost. If you can't afford it then he can't go as often.

I am absolutely astounded at some of the opinions on this thread

I think helping your dd out finacially is in part to do wither whether you can afford it or not. If your ex is no longer paying maintenance towards dd then she could surely then use that for train tickets for her

I do think DD has to sort it out with her mum, or take responsibility herself. It would be reasonable for Nice guy to pay if DD takes DS (therefore saving Nice travelling and "using" the same fare it would have cost him). But for random spontaneous journeys without DS she should pay herself or have it out with her mum herself.

Spontaneous train travel is very expensive - booking in advance much cheaper. When I was 18 my parents didn't put their hands in their pockets for my train fare to get home from uni to see them - they did give me 300 pounds per month towards my living costs (rent, food, text books...) so weren't mean, but didn't hand out random hefty sums of money - so of course I had a student rail card, and as I was on a budget, like almost all 18/ 19/ 20 year old students are, I booked super saver fares in advance rather than deciding to travel on a whim and expect them to pay my full fare.

How about this.

You used to pay for them both to travel and that worked fine.

Since dd has decided not to go so frequently, you use the travel money you would have spent on her on yourself instead.

So you travel with your ds to take him there and his mum works out how to get him back again?

I think you are both being unfair on your son regarding his competence. If he is an average child with no SEN then there is no reason why he can't, at 13, get a train on his own.

What exactly do you both think will happen to him?

Not only will your son be pleased that he's finally been given the responsibility but it would stop all the arguments. I think you are both being difficult and this is more about you two scoring points over each other than anything else.

With your son I agree both parents are responsible and payment should probably be split. It kind of sounds worthy. However I would wonder if why I as person who wants to see child isn't paying all of that cost. If I was coming to see you, I'd pay for me. I wouldn't wxpect a split. So if I wanted to see my son Id pay. But expect you to facilitate say by helping him get to train station read a time table etc.

Daughter is 18. And this is between her and mum. Sadly I think you should now step out completely. But maybe bung dd a few quid every so often to help her.

Sounds a pita situation. I'm doubtful there really is a right answer. Just a 'this time' answer.

wonder if I was the NRP and I parent what sort of reaction I'd get?

I think you'd get the responses equal to = you should do the running the rp does it all week why shouldn't you take your turn.

Exactly.

Yet he's being told to suck it up and he should pay.

Desire ten fact he's the resident parent

Despite

"It would be evenings and rush hour."

He's going in the holidays - why don't you send him at a different time of day?

I get that you wouldn't want to put a 13 year old in the situation of changing trains somewhere busy and unfamiliar, but this is a journey he has been doing monthly up until now with his older sister.

What does he think about it? He's plenty old enough to have an opinion on whether he's confident about doing the trip on his own.

If your DD is still at school with a part time job, I think you should pay - she may be 18 but she's still a schoolchild. If she's left school, she should pay.

your ex is not playing ball.
the direct line when she meets him, after driving 40 minutes sounds the best solution.

can he not take a coach?

can you drive and meet halfway? or is it too far?

and your DD, well she has put a spanner in the works hasnt she, by changing her mind.
i would be tempted to go halves with your DD, since she is a student and her mum can't pay/wont pay

I do dare, daisy.

I think the 'I don't see why I should' comment locates the OP. Aside from the other stuff. Kids forgotten, all about OP wrangling with 'Bad Mom' over, yes, minutiae.

But hey he can be relaxed about dd reaching the stage where she no longer wants to see Bad Mom.

So, op, why did you get RP? What happened?

Maybe I've miss understood the whole thing.

Ds is going to mums you are paying for him to get there. Your expense Total £50

Mum is meant to bring him back. At her expensive. Total £50.

But you dd now will be able to travel back with ds negating the need for mum to travel back. So she saved£50

But you dd ticket is £20. Original AIbu question of who should pay the £20

Mum should she's saving herself £30 by not needing to bring ds back. So she pays the ticket for dd.

Or you can both pay half each of all tickets £120 so £60 each.

Sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick.

But why should he gave to pay at all.when he's the resident parent and feeds and clothes them and keeps a to of over their head while she refuses to drive to a different station so the ds can have a cheaper fare.

If that was a dad refusing to.pay he'd be lynched. But it seems ok to lynch him.anyway because he's a dad and a resident parent and lying to his child for 13 years to protect him from.the realities of his shit mother means he's still in the wrong

R4roger, I also think the best solution would be for the boy to travel on the train for the first part (either with or without his father) and be picked up by his mother, but after her sending them home with no tickets I would always be afraid of her not showing up or something, if it was me.

"But why should he gave to pay at all.when he's the resident parent and feeds and clothes them and keeps a to of over their head while she refuses to drive to a different station so the ds can have a cheaper fare"

He shouldn't. I agree. But isnt it a case of making the best of a bad situation for the sake of the child?

Absolutely Giles.

springydaffs, firstly, my name is DOLLY. Secondly, who the fuck are you to say the kids are 'forgotten'? This man is the RP, and is trying to facilitate contact with his ex who clearly doesn't give a shiny shite. Doesn't sound like they're 'forgotten' to me. Are you the ex?

He shouldn't. I agree. But isnt it a case of making the best of a bad situation for the sake of the child

But on every single other thread the mum is unanimously supported I'm not even bothering to send the child.

This seems to change now it's a dad posting. Seems strange that's all

In

And if the cost is starting to become a huge issue then that's not fair be case he needs to pay his bills still

apologies for wrong name. I'm not the ex. Too many holes in OP's account. I don't agree, for instance, that the ex 'doesn't give a shiny shite' about contact - largely because there are too many unanswered strands to this story.

If op had said 'I can't afford to pay' the fares, that might be different. But he's saying 'why should I' pay. Which indicates something else.

Ex may be seriously strapped - we don't know. OP says she has been on a 2-week holiday, go figure; extremely cheap holidays are out there to be found if you're strapped; so 'go figuring' a 2-week holiday doesn't say a lot.

I don't think OP's primary concern is the kids - otherwise he wouldn't be seeing it from the perspective of 'why should I' but 'what is best for the kids'. Imo OP's primary concern is wrangling with the mother of his kids (and coming here for support. Which he's getting. How some love the idea of a Bad Mom to castigate).

Ex may or may not be a Bad Mommy but there is too little info here to know either way.

If she won't drive the 40mins, is it possible to split the actual train journey so that you don't have to travel all the way?