to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

[niceguy2]

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

Ugh she really is taking the mickey. I hate that.

Maybe you could pay one way and your daughter will have to pay the return if her mum won't do it? Sad that she puts her children in the position of travelling without a ticket!

Could you not split the cost of the ticket with your dd? It shouldn’t be solely down to you to fund everything but at the same time you don't want your children feeling bad about going to see their mum.

Does your ds have a return ticket? Or would mum need to pay for him and herself? If she would need to pay for both then can you or your dd ask her to pay towards dds ticket and then she can bring her brother back and it won't cost you?

Going forward - is the train direct? If it is can your son travel alone if you and his mum take him to/from the train? If he's sensible and travels during the day he will be ok as trains have staff on?

Your dd maybe needs to plan ahead in future so that she can contribute to her train ticket - is the job full time or is it part time around studying? If it's the latter then she may need help to pay for the tickets.

If you think DD should pay for her ticket, can you lend her the £20 and get her to pay you back? Or she can ask her mum to do the same?

I think the fact that DS will come back with DD is a bit of a red herring - presumably if another friend happened to be getting the train that day, your X would also not take the train and save her own rail fare.

Her putting them on the train without tickets sounds crap.

Ok, given that she's a totally unreasonable mare I would suggest that you pay for one trip on the train per month for each child. If they want to go more often then mummy dearest needs to transfer the money to their accounts so they can buy tickets.

DD is still a student, you should both be subbing her visits to her mum.

@Chilling. We both agree that DS is still too young to change on his own. I'd be worried about him at the station waiting by himself.

But the thing that boggles my mind is that for her to take him to that station on the train is about 20 mins each way and £8 return train ticket. I'm 'happy' to pay for his entire train journey both ways. She could drive to meet him and it would be 40 mins each way.

But ex refuses to do that. For me to do it costs £50 a trip.

When I flat out refused to do this on an alternate weekend basis her 'answer' was to not see her son at weekends and instead he can go up during school holidays. So for example today he will now be sat in her house from 9-5 on his own whilst she's at work from today til Friday. He doesnt know anyone where she lives and it's literally in the middle of nowhere.

For all of you saying the DD should pay, do you realise she's still a student? A bit harsh having to pay to see her mum I think.

" Back when I didn't pay, she used to put the kids on the train without a ticket"

Well she sounds a lovely mum

I don't see a solution to this other than you paying for them. You sound a decent, caring parent who doesn't want his kids having to hide from the ticket inspector.

I know it must be annoying, and you shouldn't have to do it, but you probably know you will end up doing it.

My own mum was a crap parent and my dad brought me up. He had to do many things, over the years to compensate.
He always did it with a smile- to me anyway and I loved him very much for it.

Just read your updates - since the train is direct your son should be ok going alone - his mum will have to meet him - she is being majorly unfair here

This will save you money as you will just be paying for ds (I presume he can travel for child price?)

I do think your ex should help to pay for her dc to travel but looking at your posts that seems unlikely

How does ds feel about getting the train on his own and doing the change? It sounds like he is used to doing it with his sister. He may be happy to continue doing it on his own.
I agree I wouldn't really be happy him doing a change. At the end of the day you need to do what is right for ds. It's unfair but ew is unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Your son is 13, I understand why you don't want him to change trains now, but in a couple of years he will be able to do it.

So in the mean time, I'd talk to the dc and tell them you can't afford to do all these trips and can they organise themselves so they can go up together, to save you having to spend extra money.

Ooh. Yes YANBU to ask ew to pay for dd's ticket but shield him from the fallout. If it will upset dd and you can afford it, perhaps it would be better to suck it up entirely.

Just another thought - you could look into booking 'assistance' so that a member of staff helps your son to change trains?

I don't know how much this costs but might work out cheaper?

I feel for you and your dc You sound like a lovely dad who is trying your best

And I think the "once a month" trip is a good one.

She buys the ticket for DS/DD in advance to be delivered to your house. If she doesn't then DS/DD doesn't go.

If she is more interested in punishing you than in seeing her DC then they are better off without her.

I don't know your DS so of course you are better placed to decide if you think he can manage it, but much younger children are routinely doing it. Do you think you might be underestimating him a bit?

Don't allow her to refuse. Put him on the train and tell her what time it gets in.

Talk to DS when he gets back, see what he wants to do in future. It's ridiculous that he's up there in the holidays on his own because she can't be arsed with EOW.

I can't think why she's you ex.

I'm struggling to understand why you both agree a thirteen year old is to young to change trains on his own.

Surely if you wrote down the platform he needs to be at and the times etc, he'd be fine?

On top of that, I'm sure he has a mobile phone if there's any problems...if not just get him a cheap PAYG.

If he was 11yrs old I'd say you had a point but he's 13.

Because Worra the station he changes trains at is dimly lit and the train he changes to is always packed. Last night we could barely get on, ended up having to shuffle our way into the middle of the train then push our way back out. I don't think he'd be able to do this on his own and fear he'd miss his stop.

Plus if the trains don't run to time then he'd have to figure out how to get the next train on his own in a city/station miles from either of us.

At 15 I'd be happy. At 14 I'd consider it, at 13 I agree with my ex (and that's rare!) that it's too young.

I do agree with that. My daughter took the train to school every day from the first day of secondary. I would have been happy for her to do a journey involving a change at 13. It just takes teaching him the principles of safe travel and habits such as always checking the stations on the train display to make sure the train actually stops where he wants to go . But of course that's up to the parent to decide in relation to their individual child.

YANBU

I think this time your dd should pay or should sort it out with her mum, yes she's a student but she can't just suddenly 'decide' to do something and expect you to suck up the costs

I also think you're being more than reasonable with taking your ds there/paying for any of their train fares, that should be down to your ex but I can see why you do it for them

All children are different. Dd2 would have coped very well with changing trains at 13. No was would DD1 have coped with it at that age.

Oh ok well it seems you have carefully considered it.

Perhaps the solution would be to ask your son if he'd be happy going alternate weekends as well? He's getting older, maybe he'd like to be at home a bit more. I know that as my girls got older and school was more work they did want to spend more time at home at weekends so they could chill and relax a bit more.