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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

167 replies

niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 09:19

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
BlueberryWafer · 29/10/2014 11:41

Yanbu. You shouldn't have to pay for the train fares, especially that of an18 year old! Their mother should pay if she wants to see them! Sorry I know that sounds harsh but there is no way you should be expected to fork out 100% of the fare.

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 11:42

Oh, and the point of the trip is NOT so your " ex can have contact with her own son " but that your son has contact with his mother.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 11:42

The simpler solution Gentle would be to refuse to send them in the first place.

Sorry, thought it took two people to make a child and I don't see how it's all MY responsibility to make sure the ex sees her child if she's not putting in at least a decent amount of effort/cost.

I'm guessing you're not a single parent.

OP posts:
mellicauli · 29/10/2014 11:49

I agree that is not a practical solution.

I know it grates but at least you won't have to pay for their food or entertainment for the week at least! I am sure DD goes through more than 20 of food in a weekend anyway. I think it makes you the bigger person

Say you'll pay this time but for next time your ex should buy the tickets and post them to the kids in advance if she wants the children to travel to see her next holiday (and surely she will 'cos it's Christmas). Explain that if no tickets arrive she will only get see them every other holiday. I think that's completely reasonable.

Iloveweetos · 29/10/2014 11:49

Nice guy I was a single parent and I agree with honey. If the other parent isn't willing to do their fair share its up to the resident parent to pick up the slack to ensure that the child isn't the one who has to feel put out. Yes your ex is in the wrong but it's up to you whether you allow that to affect ds or not.

Iloveweetos · 29/10/2014 11:51

Think of it this way. He's 13 now. There won't be many years left where you will have to do this

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 11:51

Perhaps you need to decide what you would be willing to do and pay to enable your children to see their mother, and then stick to it.

You might decide to do no more than your ex is prepared to do, or you may decide to do significantly more, but the point is, it should be your choice, because your ex has no right to try and control what you spend, or manipulate you into spending more than you think is reasonable.

You can only protect your son from the fact that his mother is shit for so long, the realisation will unfortunately have to come to him sooner or later. If you involve him in the decisions about contact with his mum, and make the financial implications clear to him, then he will at least be able to see that one of his parents is doing everything they reasonably can for him.

rumbleinthrjungle · 29/10/2014 11:53

Always baffles me that the RP should always be expected to bend over backwards and sacrifice everything/take on all the crap and do it with a smile so the kids get to see the NRP who has no responsibility to do anything of any kind other than allow kids to be presented to them. If they suggest they're frustrated with this or that the NRP with all the importance of their relationship with the child should have to do anything at all to help with this, they get lambasted for being selfish and unreasonable. Yes it is absolutely about the children's rights to see their NRP, but the message it gives is that the NRP has no responsibilities of any kind and shouldn't be expected to.

OP as far as I can see, you're doing everything you can to get your child DS there safely. Of course your adult DD is now making her own decision about contact, and I can see why you're frustrated. I would be too.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 11:54

It's not affecting DS. I've stuck to my word on that. The issue here is should I have to pay for DD as well.

And trust me. I've picked up the slack for their entire lives and for DS will continue to shield him. But DD is 18 now and I shouldn't have to shield her from her mum's laziness/selfishness by putting my hand in my own pocket.

OP posts:
gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 11:54

QUOTE
"The simpler solution Gentle would be to refuse to send them in the first place.

Sorry, thought it took two people to make a child and I don't see how it's all MY responsibility to make sure the ex sees her child if she's not putting in at least a decent amount of effort/cost.

I'm guessing you're not a single parent."
END QUOTE

I have been, yes.
Look, I know that your ex is unreasonable, but there is no way that you can change that and make her more responsible.
If one parent falls behind the other has to step up. If you cant afford to pay I think it is reasonable to keep him home, but you absolutely cant risk her putting him on on a train with no money again, or not meeting him at the station.
If it is best for your son to see her then I am afraid you will just have to do whatever it takes to make it happen safely.
It isnt fair. Not one bit.

RandomMess · 29/10/2014 11:55

What WooWoo says, if you can't afford it you can't afford it and I would explain to DS that you are struggle to afford to pay for x y z and what would his preference be. How are aware do you think he is that his Mum is pretty shit - I should imagine he's worked it out for himself tbh?

springydaffs · 29/10/2014 11:55

ooooh Bad Mom Fred

Suck it up, lovely. don't know why you live a train ride away (except the 'I moved away then she moved even further away' tit for tat). Would be interested to hear Bad Mom's take on the whole thing. How come you got RP?

So great for the kids (not) that you're wrangling about the minutiae and clearly loathe their mother.

btw, fwiw, I regularly root out extremely cheap 2-week holidays - cheaper than staying at home (go figure).

livelablove · 29/10/2014 11:56

Its a bit mad that your ex would put them on a train without a ticket when they were younger, but now worries about DS being on the train alone at 13, which is quite safe during the day if he is a sensible lad. I think you should do this and even if you have to buy him a return ticket it saves buying your ticket plus the hours on the train. Your ex can pick him up from the station. Here's what I'd do tell your DS that is what should happen and get him to call your ex and arrange the details with her. I bet he would be happy to travel by himself as he will feel grown up.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:58

op how far is it on the train ?

I honestly don't see the problem with a 13 year old getting a train by him self. Thousands of school children do it every day. I did it. I also did it to see my own mother.

I really don't think it's all your responsibility to pick the slack up at all.

Paying for his fare up there is enough. Does she pay you CS?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 29/10/2014 11:58

Nice guy, I'm with you all the way on this one. Paying every time and doing the accompanying every time is simply not on, it's a bonkers suggestion.

As I said earlier , I would buy both kids one return journey each month. If they don't go together I wold put DS on the direct train and tell her what time he was arriving.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 11:59

I wonder if I was the NRP and I posted on here either:

"Hey, my ex is refusing to pay £20 so my daughter can travel up to see me for the weekend. Is she being unreasonable or am I?"

Or

"I don't want to spend £8 on a return train ticket and instead I want my ex to spend £50 to bring my son to see me"

what sort of reaction I'd get? I suspect I'd have been lynched by the MN mafia. I'd have been told in no uncertain terms to get my hand in my pocket.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/10/2014 11:59

I think you should tell your DD that as she is now 18 you're not paying for it anymore and she needs to sort it out with her Mum direct who is going to pay for it from now on. DD needs warning that is the case as does your ex.

livelablove · 29/10/2014 12:00

Oh and I agree with the person who said give dd an allowance based on what you can afford to top up her earnings in her student job, and then let her pay for her own travel costs out of that. This way she doesn't have to be responsible for her brother and can choose when to see her mum, as long as she has saved some money. If she runs out she can always ask her mum.

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 12:03

Niceguy, it sounds as if you are doing a brilliant job and it is no wonder you are fed up.
i don't think you need to pay for your daughter to see her mother. If you do, do it because your daughter wants it. Or not. Either way is fine.

Children are usually aware if one parent is a rubbish, but they love them anyway. Sad

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 12:05

If you've made the choice to continue to protect your ds, then while that's admirable, you will also have to continue to accept the fact that you're going to be screwed over by your co parent and deal with it graciously.

Of course you shouldn't have to pay for your DD, but whether you do or not is entirely your choice. It wouldn't be wrong to pay, it wouldn't be wrong not to pay.

I think on your position I'd be inclined not to pay, because your dd is an adult who should be capable of making arrangements to see her mum without your input. Let your dd ask her mum for the money if she needs to.

I also think people need to stop banging on about this 13yo catching the train on his own. Niceguy clearly knows his own child better than anyone on and Internet forum, and he will also know the route his son would have to take. Can't people just respect his choice and move on?

livelablove · 29/10/2014 12:09

But niceguy seemed to think it was OK for his son to catch the train alone, it was his ex who didn't want that. But I disagree with her about it being safe for him and think this would be the best solution.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 12:09

On the let him catch the train on his own thing, let me be clear. We both agree on that it's unsafe.

It would be evenings and rush hour. Changing trains alone in a city he's unfamiliar with isn't an option either of us are considering. On that point we both agree.

I'm not a "wrap them in cotton wool" type of dad but even I have limits.

OP posts:
Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 12:10

Sorry...it's the changing trains on his own being unsafe is what we both agree on.

I believe the first direct train on his own is OK. She disagrees.

OP posts:
ChillingGrinBloodLover · 29/10/2014 12:10

Yes sorry, your question was initially about DD's ticket but we've all got sidetracked with the DS issue.

I think you should pay for DD's ticket once a month while she's still studying (give her the money for a booked in advance fare, if she goes last minute she pays the difference). Her mum should be doing the same but you can't make her so let her and DD sort that out between them.. If she wants to go more often then her mum pays or she does.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 29/10/2014 12:17

Just tell her she's being ridiculous and either she comes to get him every time or she picks him up at the direct station. You do not need to be taking him up there on a direct train. He's 13. She is doing it to be difficult nit to protect her DS, if she had any protective feelings towards them she wouldn't do half the stuff she does, like putting them on the train without a ticket.

Just out if curiosity, how old was DD when the first took the train together unaccompanied?

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