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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

167 replies

niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 09:19

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 29/10/2014 18:37

springy You're being a real arse to the OP for no real reason that I can see. Disagreeing is one thing but you've got very personal.

TheCraicDealer · 29/10/2014 18:37

If the genders were reversed here the OP would be getting much more sympathy, not being asked about "back stories" and surmising that maybe the ex got a cheap holiday and needed a break Hmm Why does the OP have to explain why his kids live with him and not his Ex? Because there has to be some justification for a mother behaving like a bell end, right? Some people are just dicks. Repeatedly putting your kids on a train and letting them dodge a ticket control says it all imho.

DixieNormas · 29/10/2014 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WowserBooooooooooooser · 29/10/2014 18:52

He's not trying to paint himself as the good guy against the 'bad mommy' (what an annoying phrase)

He is asking about whether this instance is fair. And it's not. YANBU op. Hope you get it sorted out.

pregnantpause · 29/10/2014 19:04

Your ex sounds like a selfish twat. Your children are lucky that you're not in the same mould. Yanbu to feel angry at the injustice, but tbh, she's obv not going to change. You know youre the bigger person, you have the moral high ground. I'd keep paying for ds, as despite the obvious unfairness you are doing the right thing by enabling him in having a relationship with her.

I would pay for dd this time. I would then sit her down and explain you won't be paying next time. As you say she's not a child and doesn't need protecting anymore - when she wants to visit next she just needs to call her mum and sort it between themselves-if her mum refuses to pay for her train next time then your dd will have to chose either to pay herself or not go. If I were you I might agree to fund every other, but you're not obliged to.

twizzleship · 29/10/2014 19:19

I think while she's in full time education it's reasonable for her parents to share the cost of her seeing her NPR once a month From what OP says he HAS been paying the FULL cost for his dc to visit the NRP....a NRP who is not paying enough maintenance to cover even the train fare once a month let alone anything else they need - this is despite having enough money to spend on luxuries for herself.
Putting the dc onto trains without a ticket, making them sleep on the floor etc is not the behaviour of a parent who is putting their childs needs first. Nor is refusing to pay the correct/decent amount of maintenance.

If the NRP cannot be bothered to act like a loving responsible parent then is it really in the best interest of the DD to be around her? Plus it's about time the DD saw her mother for the person she really is.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2014 19:32

springy

Why would a custody battle be central to this issue?

ChestyCoffin · 29/10/2014 19:52

springy what exactly is your problem with OP? Hmm

OP YANBU

bakingtins · 29/10/2014 20:10

How about setting a travel budget for each of them, based on whatever it has historically cost you to send them together alternate weekends? It can be spent on pre-booked tickets to travel together (DD and DS), for your son to travel alone on the direct train and be collected, or for him to travel accompanied by you on the indirect route (paying for your ticket from the budget) I'd also discuss with DS at what age you are happy for him to travel the indirect route alone. Once it's spent then either Mum has to fork out or they can't go. You might want to make it available quarterly!
You are then not paying any more than you have previously sucked up, however grudgingly and giving them some responsibility for making arrangements with their Mum. I'm sure 13 is old enough to see right through her if she makes as little effort as you suggest.

TracyBarlow · 29/10/2014 20:42

If she's having him in the holidays and there's a risk she'd send him on the train without paying then you pay the return fare for one holiday, she pays the return fare for the next and so on. She must buy the ticket in advance and send it to you for your DS to us. If she doesn't, then I wouldn't send him.

As for your DD, I'd tell her she's 18 now and will need to sort contact with her mother without any input from you. Her mum will have to pay if your DD can't afford it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/10/2014 20:46

I'm going to stick to answering the actual AIBU, which was AIBU to refuse to pay for DDs train ticket to see her mum.

No, YANBU. And I say this without any reference to the ongoing situation with your ex, and am looking it purely as a situation between a parent and a newly-adult child.

Your DD has, aged 18, decided that she wants flexibility in seeing her mother rather than the previous alternate weekends arrangement. Fair enough. But as anyone who uses trains regularly knows, flexibility COSTS. Where she was accompanying her younger brother, it was possible to arrange cheap tickets well in advance. When she dropped out of that arrangement, you had to step in to accompany him instead (I agree with your reasons why he cannot go alone). This cost you money, and a lot of time. For you to then pay her fare, when she chose to go at a time that would not facilitate your DS's travel - well, like I said, flexibility costs. You want to minimise your travel costs, you plan ahead. If she'd been sensible, she'd have said to you something along the lines of 'Dad, if I go up with DB instead of you, will you pay my fare? I'll be saving you time, and time is money . But no, she went for the last-minute decision, which is when we all faint at the cost of a walk-on ticket.

I would tell her she needs to pay for her own ticket, because she left it too late. Had she negotiated it with you earlier, you could have agreed between you date of travel/who pays. Welcome to the world of adulthood, DD.

As for the situation with your ex - you are obviously doing your best as the RP with a deadbeat NRP.

Thumbscrewswitch · 29/10/2014 21:42

I think that this time and only this time you suck it up but make it clear that the only way you will fund her again is if she goes at the same time as her little brother, thus obviating the need for you to pay for your own ticket. If she chooses not to travel with him (thus making you pay for a ticket), but wants to go at another time, then she funds herself.

louisejxxx · 29/10/2014 21:54

I know it probably isn't cost efficient but could you just pay for a single ticket so that your ex then has to pay for a the single back?

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 22:08

Louise, the children's mother put them on a train with no ticket!

DomiKatetrixortreat · 29/10/2014 22:39

I can't see splitting the ticket prices ever working if she was happy to send her kids on a train with no tickets and no money at a younger age.
YANBU OP, I'd pay this time but make it clear to your DD if the same situation happens again, she'll have to pay for herself or her mother will have to send the money for her tickets.

I don't see the reasons for OP being RP relevant tbh. I agree the tables would be turned on most posts if OP were female Hmm and would we be questioning why a mum is RP?

TeaForTara · 30/10/2014 14:02

I like TracyBarlow 's suggestion:

you pay the return fare for one holiday, she pays the return fare for the next and so on. She must buy the ticket in advance and send it to you for your DS to use. If she doesn't, then I wouldn't send him

I know you're shielding your DS from what his mother is really like but I'm not sure that's doing him any favours.

I don't see why this shouldn't apply to your DD as well, although I also have some sympathy with the POV that she should be budgeting and paying for her own tickets (maybe out of an allowance) by 18.

Monathevampire1 · 30/10/2014 20:44

DD is an adult who works so she now pays her own train fair. If your ex sends DS home with his DSis so be it.

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