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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to pay for DD's train ticket to see her mum?

167 replies

niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 09:19

DD is 18 now and recently told her mum that she didn't want to go up alternate weekends anymore since she's got a job/BF/social life. Fair enough. We all knew that day would come eventually. Instead she'd go up as & when she had time.

But DS(13) also used to go up on the train with my daughter. So ex & I had a row "discussion" about how DS could continue to have contact and the compromise was that DS would now go up during school holidays instead of alternate weekends. I would take him up and ex would return him.

Still with me so far? Hopefully. Well I just took DS up yesterday and it cost me over £50 in train tickets. DD has decided that she will go up this weekend and that cost will be over £20. Would I be unreasonable to say to my DD & ex that I am not paying for the £20 and that she (ex) should?

Reason is that I know my ex and she will simply send DS back with DD on the train. Saving herself all the money that Ive had to spend. Plus I don't see why I should have to pay over £70 to send the kids up to see her when the only effort she's made is to drive 20 mins to the nearest train station.

Guess at the end of the day it's not about the money. It's the principle. I'm tired of subsidising her to have access to her own kids and somehow being made to feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
Tantrictantrum · 29/10/2014 10:02

Hello Niceguy2, you won't remember me as have had numerous name changes but you helped me see the light years ago when I split from my exh and had access issues.

Couple of things:

Who's fault is it that you live so far apart? Who moved and why? I think this is relevant.

What does DS want? Does he want to spend holidays there on his own all day?

Have you looked at coaches for DS?

diddl · 29/10/2014 10:02

So OP are you annoyed that if you'd known that your daughter was going this weekend, your son could have waited & gone then & saved the price of your ticket?

If you know he'll be going for holdays though you can get advance tickets?

I'm not sure who should pay but I don't see why your daughter should!

It certainly isn't her fault that her mum lives a train ride away!

Mampire · 29/10/2014 10:06

Pay your daughter's fare one way fgs! never read anything so petty. Poor girl wants to see her mum and has to pay to see her Confused

ChunkyPickle · 29/10/2014 10:08

On a practical note - train tickets can be ridiculously cheaper if bought in advance, rail cards help a lot, and might there be a coach instead (I used to commute, and the coach was slower, but warmer and much more comfortable)

On the rest, I don't know, it's horribly hard. I do think that sometimes you need to be the bigger person and suck up the injustice for the sake of your kids though.

HolgerDanske · 29/10/2014 10:12

Oh oops sorry I got confused. He's already going during holidays rather than weekends. This always happens if I read before coffee...

I'm afraid I do think that however much it riles you that your ex is so unhelpful and has so little regard for her kids that she'd send them on the train without tickets, it isn't your kids' fault.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 10:13

@Diddl. No, it doesn't bother me that DD wants to go this weekend. The bit that bothers me is I don't see why I should have to continually pay 100% of travel costs.

@Tantrictantrum, hope things have settled down for you. Originally it was me who moved away but she's since also moved further away from where she used to live. So in effect we've both moved.

Plus we used to both drive so in effect we shared the costs. Now I'm paying for all of it and that's the bit I am not happy about.

DS has said he's OK to go up in holidays but I know what he's like. He's quite protective over his mum. He didn't tell me for months that when he was there he had to sleep on the floor until it came out in conversation one day from his sister. I've since had to send up a fucking blow up bed! Angry

OP posts:
Hellokittycat · 29/10/2014 10:19

I don't think your ex wife has done anything wrong this time.
You agreed to pay ds on the way there. She agreed to pay him on the way back.
Now dd has decided to go see her mum and ds could have gone with her and saved you money and time but you didn't know until it was too late ( a word with dd needed about planning in advance to help out others !)
Your ex is now going to send ds back with dd saving her the time and money this time. This isn't her fault that dd has decided to visit. It would be very silly of her to pay and bring ds back when dd is there anyway. I'm sure you'd do the same.
However I think next time you would be justified in saying that it's her turn to do both legs of the trip seeing as she escaped it this time. If she doesn't want to then that's her call ( and ds won't have to sit home alone at her house while she works, win win)

2minsofyourtime · 29/10/2014 10:28

Mum sounds like she can't be bothered.

If she can't be bothered to make a 40 mins trip to collect her son from the station to save him having to change trains then she really is a very selfish person.

Also putting two children on a train without tickets so they have to hide from guards is awful.

I wouldn't make your ds pay, in this instance I would pay but make it clear that mum has to buy the tickets in advance and you will transfer your half to her via bank transfer.

2minsofyourtime · 29/10/2014 10:30

hellokittycat but who should pay for dd's ticket cost? Mum, dad or dd?

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 10:35

Kitty makes a good point in that I did agree to pay for the cost of getting DS to her and I've done that. We've not talked about who stomaches the cost for DD's travel.

OP posts:
sashh · 29/10/2014 10:40

Give dd an allowance, £X a year to spend on visiting her mum. Also get her a family rail card, she will soon work out it is cheaper to take her brother than just buy her ticket and let her keep any left over cash.

If you can negotiate mum contributing to the allowance or railcard so much the better.

Sorry just read that she already has the cards.

Shelby2010 · 29/10/2014 10:45

Suck up the cost of DD going this time, but tell her that in future you will only pay for her ticket if she is taking DS with her, thus saving your train fare. If she wants to go at different times she needs to arrange it with her mother.

So next holiday you pay for DD & DS to go up together & if they travel back separately it's up to their mum to sort out.

Your DD is an adult & has stated what she wants, ie quite reasonably not wanting to go every weekend, but you still need to put your son's needs first & if that means paying extra, so be it.

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 11:05

"Back when I didn't pay, she used to put the kids on the train without a ticket. Poor kids (DD was 14 and DS was 10) used to have duck the inspector"

Take your child and bring him back yourself to make sure this doesn't happen.

Iloveweetos · 29/10/2014 11:22

I agree with gentlehoney. The whole sending them on a train without a ticket would really worry me. I'd rather just get their tickets over this happening. But she really doesn't seem bothered at all, even if the children know. Over time they will see things clearer so up until then do what u can to keep the children safe etc
You're doing great but sometimes you just have to take the crap to make it easier for the children. Principles mean nothing at times like this

ArabellaTarantella · 29/10/2014 11:23

I would never cause any hassle over my children going to see their dad.

In that case you've never been broke and in receipt of zero maintenance, have you?

HappyAgainOneDay · 29/10/2014 11:23

the 13 year old has been doing the trip for ages. He should be able to do it himself now. Does he take himself to school alone? Yes, I know the distance is different but it's just routine to get used to, isn't it?

PrettyPictures92 · 29/10/2014 11:26

My children have only just started seeing their father again. We live a fair bit away from each other, the compromise is he pays the train fare for me and the kids to go to him, I pay the train fare home again.

The little ones are still really young, train tickets costs £57 and he only gets to see them on the holidays. It's about what's best for the children. With your son she should be paying half the train fare. Your daughter has a job, is an adult and can pay for herself now.

Original poster
niceguy2 · 29/10/2014 11:27

Take your child and bring him back yourself to make sure this doesn't happen.

So basically your suggestion is that I pay £100 and ten hours of sitting on a train (there & back twice) so my ex can have contact with her own son because she refuses to pay £8 a trip or to drive 40 mins to meet him?

Really? Hmm

OP posts:
Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:28

Dd oats for her own ticket.

Ds is old neigh to get train on own. I used to go to school on the train then get a bus to school when I was 11.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:30

Tbh I wonder if the responses are a tad different because it's a man that's asking the question. I've read threads like this before when it's the df that making no effort and the response has been a lot different.

Allhallowspeeve · 29/10/2014 11:31

Wow fat fingers on my first post!

HolgerDanske · 29/10/2014 11:33

I think it's always difficult to deal with someone who is being unreasonable. And I do think many ex husbands are unreasonable too. But what I ultimately feel is that unfortunately, however unfair it is, it's up to the more reasonable parent to pick up the slack where the children are concerned. Many, many mothers do this daily due to deadbeat dads. It's hugely unfair either way and it doesn't really matter what sex the unreasonable partner is. If a mum had posted this I would have said exactly the same.

HolgerDanske · 29/10/2014 11:37

And my theory would be that it's the framing of the question that might influence the answers, not specifically the sex of the parties involved.

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 11:38

"So basically your suggestion is that I pay £100 and ten hours of sitting on a train (there & back twice) so my ex can have contact with her own son because she refuses to pay £8 a trip or to drive 40 mins to meet him?

Really? hmm"

Absolutely!
If you think there is the slightest chance of it happening again, this is what you have to do to keep them safe.
They could have been arrested for goodness sake, and you are willing to risk it again for the sake of a train fare?
Your child's safety is your responsibility and it is clear that you also have to take responsibility for travel arrangements.

And if you don't want advice.. Dont ask!

RandomMess · 29/10/2014 11:40

Does DS really want to go and see her for the holidays? What does he actually want?

I'd be tempted to play hardball and say you will pay for the direct train only and she will have to collect him - so £8 if she wants anything else then she will have to send you the money in advance and you will buy the return tickets.

If she doesn't send you the money then tough DS doesn't go - depends on how DS feels about though, I should think at 13 he's seen through his Mum enough and will be happy with a few ad hoc visits per year.