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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
Methe · 28/10/2014 21:23

Yabu.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 28/10/2014 21:24

It's a hard one but I do think that it's very very hard on your partner to deny him to be there when he wants to. Your son will be ok...

ApocalypseThen · 28/10/2014 21:24

No, the father does not have the right to be there. You are the patient and if you don't want him present, the hospital will ensure he's kept out. Nobody has the right to be present at another person's medical procedure without consent of the person having the procedure.

LuckyLopez · 28/10/2014 21:25

Do you even like your husband? I can't imagine doing that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 21:25

Yanbu.

I hope you can come up with a good compromise though.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 28/10/2014 21:25

It's not just a medical procedure. It's only that because that's what it's become.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not some all natural hippy...I've had two CS! However I think it's more than a medical procedure

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2014 21:26

Surely this isn't about 'rights' and more about your DP not being able to be with you at such an important time?

You didn't mention how old your DS is?

Methe · 28/10/2014 21:26

Of course it's not a medical procedure.

If the shoe was on the other food how would you feel, op?

2shoeprintsintheblood · 28/10/2014 21:26

yabu

Artandco · 28/10/2014 21:27

I do think they should have a choice. Obv not if they are a horrid person, but if a generally regular guy.

mrsruffallo · 28/10/2014 21:27

Oh please Apocalypse. Of course he has a right to be there.YABU op. Your son will be fine.

5madthings · 28/10/2014 21:28

Yanbu at all.

lymiemum · 28/10/2014 21:28

A father does not have the right, but this is not an ex. This is your husband. He is offering a reasonable alternative and you are deciding to veto it meaning he will miss an incredibly important thing. I would understand him being very upset.

ApocalypseThen · 28/10/2014 21:30

Oh please Apocalypse. Of course he has a right to be there.

He doesn't. The hospital will keep him out if she requests it.

Pugsake · 28/10/2014 21:30

YANBU it's you being ripped in two not him.

I disallowed DP at both births and I quite like him sometimes.

Because 1. He'd be crap 2. I just wanted my mam.

Is there someone supportive you could take in with you stripy ?

puntasticusername · 28/10/2014 21:30

Sorry but YABU, you need to come up childcare arrangements you are all happy with. It must be possible. In your DP's shoes, I'd be absolutely livid to be asked to stay away from the birth of my child for such a reason.

SDTGisASpookyWoooolefGenius · 28/10/2014 21:30

Could you consider either a home birth, or a Domino delivery, so you could labour at home, with your PIL looking after your ds, with your dh flitting between you and him, as needed, in another room, and either have the baby there, or go I to hospital to delivery, but come home within hours of the birth?

rattlesnakes · 28/10/2014 21:30

Of course he doesn't have 'the right' and no hospital in the world would allow him in the room if you didn't want him. Whether you define it as a 'medical procedure' or not (and tbh, if I was giving birth in a hospital, I would!), it is still about you and your body, not about him.

basgetti · 28/10/2014 21:30

YANBU, it is entirely up to the mother who attends a birth. That said, in this situation where you had presumably both planned for him to be there I hope you can come up with a solution.

cowsareus · 28/10/2014 21:31

you are being very pfb

you say your ds cosleeps. have you thought about how he will cope with the new arrival? why have you not prepared him for this by allowing him some time away from you? moved him into a cot or separate bed? tbh, you sound completely and utterly unprepared for the new baby or your dc's needs, and are just speaking about your own.
and yes, I think that if a man wants to be at the birth of his own child, then he has the right to be there.

rogerthecabinboy · 28/10/2014 21:32

YABVU. If you go through with this then my advice to him would be to leave you ASAP.

DoJo · 28/10/2014 21:33

I don't think it's anything to do with 'rights', so much as the reaching of a reasonable compromise between the two of you. He may not have the 'right' but if he really wants to be there then I can't imagine denying him the opportunity unless there were extreme extenuating circumstances (and I don't think that care of your son quite comes under that heading).
Is there really no way your son could just watch Peppa Pig (or equivalent) on a loop and crash out on the sofa if need be? Would your husband really be so surplus to requirement that you would rather he was preserving your son's routine? Do you not want him there to share the moment/advocate for you if need be/get to be one of the first people to hold his baby?

Smartiepants79 · 28/10/2014 21:33

I think it's a bit of both.
I can see why you might worry about him but your DS will be OK. he might not even need looking after for more than a few hours. And it may well not mean a night away.
I think if your DH wants to be there so badly then he should be given the chance. No, he doesn't have a 'right' but if you care about him I think he should be there. It clearly matters to him, very much.
Would you really rather give birth alone? What if something went wrong? Unlikely I know but still...
You might regret it in the long run.

IdaClair · 28/10/2014 21:33

No they do not have the right.

But you do not have the right to insist he stays with your ds either.

I know it is hard and there seems no solution but this is honestly a minor issue in the long run. You won't remember it as important like you would, say, the day your child was born.

Chances are your ds will be absolutely fine - what age is he? Equally you may not be away overnight. Or even for very long. Or even at all. (Obviously this depends on your pregnancy)

Get a better plan. Rely on other people who are trying to help. They will not break your ds. They raise your dh. Routines can be broken and children can be very flexible for special situations. And this is one.

Or homebirth.

Tinkerball · 28/10/2014 21:33

YABU. Of course as a few have said if you don't want him there that's your choice - but just be prepared for the consequences that's all. You are being completely precious about your DS and your PILs aren't just some random people, they are your sons Grandoarenrs, whether he knows them well or not.