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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:02

Dia in this case yes. They have a loving relationship. Ops partner wants to be at the birth of his child. His wife wants him to stay at home for childcare. He doesnt want to miss the birth. I'm absolutely with him on this.

glenthebattleostrich · 28/10/2014 22:02

When a man has the ability to give birth then they have the right to be at the birth!

Whilst I do think your PIL will be fine, the actual birth is about the woman in labour and the baby although I was very pleased to see the gas and air lady. It's lovely he is keen to be there but no, he has no rights at all.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 22:03

My "confusion", as you put it, isn't about a failure to understand that a woman is the one giving birth, John, though I do very much appreciate your patronising and condescending tone. Always an excellent way to get a good discussion going, well done.

I'm 8 months pregnant, and throughout my pregnancy, my DP has supported me and shared everything, and thus I think co-parenting starts way before birth, and ideally would continue during birth as well. I think it's his baby too, as much as mine.

LadyLuck10 · 28/10/2014 22:05

Sorry but I think it would be pretty unforgivable of you to ask your DH not to be there. Technically he can be banned but morally it would be a very wrong thing to do and you should not deny him that.
You are being seriously ridiculous about your DS. Maybe it's about time that he starts bonding with your IL. He would have forgotten about it by the time you come home. Seriously, you would ask your DH to miss this precious opportunity over a babysitting issue?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 22:05

It is his baby. But it's not his labour.

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 22:05

I totally agree Starling.

I've got three children. Never once did I see the birth as "my thing". It was a shared experience. My DH and I welcoming our baby into the world.

So what if I was the one in labour?

FamiliesShareGerms · 28/10/2014 22:06

I think it's almost unforgivable to ask your DH to miss the birth of your second child simply to look after your first, when you do in fact have a range of childcare options available.

YABVU

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 28/10/2014 22:06

Your DS is one, there is no way he will remember being left with his grandparents for one night. You might not rate them, but they managed to raise your DH, so I am sure they will cope. If he doesn't sleep they will amuse him until he does.

You will do serious damage to your marriage if you tell your husband he can't be at the birth of his second child because you are worried your first child wont sleep or his perfectly adequate grandparents wont 'know his routine'. He's a baby - feed them, change them, cuddle them. It doesn't matter one jot if it's done a different way for one night.

Now have a Brew and a Biscuit then apologise to your DH for being a twat :)

Original poster
Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 22:06

I just don't think that the difference between meeting a baby 2 seconds after birth and meeting a baby 2 hours after birth is going to cause a massive difference in how a father bonds with his child.

I certainly don't see dh as a secondary parent to me, he's the parent that dc1 is physically most reliant on at the moment, we very much share parenting and we have done since day 1, I don't think he's a lesser parent, if I could stay and look after dc1 I would but that isn't an option!

All the reassurance about ds being ok is lovely, thank you for that :) maybe it will actually turn out to be a positive thing and ds will end up with a closer relationship with pil.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 22:07

They have a loving relationship. Ops partner wants to be at the birth of his child

So being in a relationship with a woman gives you a right to over rule her wishes on her own privacy, support, labour choices?

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 22:08

Everything chilling said!

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:09

Totally agree Starling

FyreFly · 28/10/2014 22:09

But that's how you feel, vest.

Not everyone feels that way. I can't even begin to countenance having anyone but medical staff there. And as I'm the one who would be undergoing the potentially dangerous and traumatic experience, surely it should be my call as to how I want it arranged.

I may feel differently come the day, I don't know. But everyone feels different about this. Noone is wrong here Confused

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:10

And chilling-perfectly said.

SoonToBeSix · 28/10/2014 22:10

Yabu and ridiculously pfb . You post makes me very angry tbh.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2014 22:10

Sorry but I'm adding my voice to the yabu's.
I just think it would be really really unfair on the baby's father. And for a pretty silly reason really. I presume you've been 24-7 with your pfb for a year, and that's lovely, but I would imagine the vast majority of women don't have this option, work, other children etc often mean you can't. And I'm not saying that to say just get over it, but rather to point out that all these children whose mothers left them for a few hours are absolutely fine, indeed probably the better for knowing there's more than just one person they can trust.

Writerwannabe83 · 28/10/2014 22:10

You say yourself that you'd want your DP there. He obviously wants to be there.

I think asking him to miss the birth of his child just because you don't want your IL's to babysit your other child is really unfair. If I was your DP I would be angry and upset.

ArabellaTarantella · 28/10/2014 22:11

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

You've had at least 6 months to prepare for this. Why haven't you prepared your son?

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 22:11

I don't think he has an automatic right to be there, but if childcare is the only reason for him not to be there it sounds as though you have good enough alternative child care. It doesn't have to be perfect.

basgetti · 28/10/2014 22:12

I'm pregnant and extremely ill with it. My DP is lovely and we are very happy togther but if he started telling me my pregnancy was a joint co- parenting experience or some such twattery I would not be impressed. Same as if he spoke about my labour in terms of his 'rights'.

starlight1234 · 28/10/2014 22:12

From a rights thing yes you can refuse.

I think you have been quite short sighted about the possibilities. Baby should of been chance to know PIL so this could be another option. Invite round tomorrow if nothing has happened by then, secondly have you thought through how you are going to sleep when new baby arrives if your baby is still co sleeping.

I do however remember telling my husband now Ex that Labour was about me and our child. I had no issue about him been there ( despite the fact he was useless).

I have to say though you PFB might not have a great nights sleep but will get over it very quickly. ( Although may be last offer of PIL to babysit) however if DH feels strongly he wants to be there he may never stop feeling resentful.

DixieNormas · 28/10/2014 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhPuddleducks · 28/10/2014 22:13

DD was not quite 2 when I had DS. I was hugely worried about being away from her so made my poor mum move in with us for three weeks before the baby arrived and made a massive, massive crib sheet for her. It was all fine in the end. I was away a day and a half. DP rushed home to put her to bed the day I wasn't there which was nice for both of them. When I got home, I was able to get her up from her nap and all she said was "mummy woke up!" ... Turns out she just thought I'd been taking a very long nap in my room... Your DS will be fine however you decide to care for him while you're labouring. Honestly he will.

dangly131 · 28/10/2014 22:14

You can say that you do not want DH with you but he may leave DS with his parents and wait in the waiting room. There is no reason to stop him doing this and if you are in the midst of labour and will not be aware. He could completely ignore your requests and wait outside so that he can be there the instant his child is born and so not miss those precious few moments. You would be in control of him not being at the birth but not in control of him being at home with DS.

ApocalypseThen · 28/10/2014 22:15

You've had at least 6 months to prepare for this. Why haven't you prepared your son?

His father could have done that.