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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 28/10/2014 21:54

My dp wasn't particularly bothered about being at the birth and neither was I. It was all about my body producing a baby as far as we were concerned and that suited us both.

There are plenty of people who give birth alone because their partner is looking after their older dc's. I would be very stressed in your situation and would also prefer my dh to stay home rather than leave my dc with pil. Dc1 was only 1 when I had my 2nd and there's no way I would have left him with my pil who are similar to yours.

Original poster
Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:54

I'm really encouraged by the comments saying that ds won't mind being alone, it's making me realise how pfb I'm being.

My dh is a lovely man and it was lovely to have him there when dc1 was born.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 21:55

I'm wondering if they should change the name to support partner or birth support or something that more accurately describes the role expected.

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 21:55

Good lord. I am shocked at how many people seem to think the mother has all the rights and the father has none. How very sad.

I bet those same people wouldn't be too happy with Dads who think they have no responsibilities in terms or caring for their baby.

Parenthood should be a joint responsibility. The highs and lows should be shared by both parents equally.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 21:56

They should call it 'witness'.

Op, I do hope you can find a solution that works for all of you.

Benzalkonium · 28/10/2014 21:56

There is an expectation these days that fathers will be present at the birth. Although this is great, progress etc in many ways, it's not always the right thing for a particular family. Sometimes a mother can feel inhibited by their partner during birth. Which can make birth more difficult/ dangerous. But because the prevailing expectation is there that fathers are present, it is difficult for the labouring woman to express her needs.

I think the op has got a childcare issue, and the title of the thread is a bit inappropriate really, hence all the arguing the toss over a mans right to attend the birth.

His right is not the issue.. It's his expectation that's the issue.

And the expectation that decent fathers must always attend the birth and they won't bond with the baby if they don't is unhelpful to op at the moment.

basgetti · 28/10/2014 21:57

.my hubby was not there but we discussed it .he did,nt want to be there and i was fine with that .was never comfortable with the thought of him there faffing about .but we agreed thats the diffrence

So either way the man calls the shots? If he isn't comfortable being there then that's fine, but if the woman isn't comfortable with him being there then tough, his wishes come first?

fluffling · 28/10/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 28/10/2014 21:57

Not only does no father have the right to be at the birth of his child, there is plenty of evidence that the presence of the father may be detrimental to the quality of labour for many mothers.

Twitterqueen · 28/10/2014 21:58

I simply cannot some of the comments here. If you commit to a lifelong relationship with someone, sharing their bed, their thoughts, their life, and then you jointly agree to have a child, that you both want and that you both will raise... and then you say "fuck off mate, it's my child and I don't want you here." How the HELL do you expect the DP to say "Oh that's OK darling, of course I'm happy to miss the most significant part of our journey in having a child.

(caveat - unless of course the 'DP' is abusive, horrible, separated etc etc.). If you can seriously NOT want your DP to be with you at this most significant point, then you are not your DP's DP.

BuilderMammy · 28/10/2014 21:58

I don't think fathers automatically have a right to be at the birth, but in this situation I think you're being terribly unfair. Your wishes regarding your labour do of course trump your partner's, but there is perfectly suitable childcare available to you, it's not as if you have no choice. For your son, being babysat by his grandparents for one night at a year old is going to be forgotten in days; your partner will remember being excluded from his second child's birth for the rest of his life.

5madthings · 28/10/2014 21:58

Parenthood is shared yes. Birth cannot be shared it is something the woman has to do and she gets to choose what will make her most comfortable.

Op can your in-laws spend time with ds so he gets to know them, are they even happy to look after him whilst you birth? The chances a're that ds will be fine and he won't remember. Hopefully it will be quick and you can be home again 3/4 hrs after the birth.

DixieNormas · 28/10/2014 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 21:58

Your partner should be there to witness the birth of his child, if he wants to.

So what the man wants trumps the wishes of the person actually going through the process? Really? What you are saying is that it doesnt matter what the labouring person wants it's what the father wants that matters? Does this include ex partners who insist they have a right to be there?

Twitterqueen · 28/10/2014 21:58

... simply cannot comprehend...

FyreFly · 28/10/2014 21:59

When I have children, the ONLY people I want to see me in that state are the doctors.

I want drugs and medical staff. Everyone else - husband / mother / PILs / family pets are to be kept well away until I say so.

My uterus, my rules Wink

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2014 22:00

Stripylikeatiger This is a very complicated situation because you are not (I think) saying you do not want him there because of some reason that is to do with his presence at the birth but because you have something else you want him to do.

I think no one has the 'right' to be present at a person's birth but as your partner and your baby's father I think it is very wrong of you to try and stop him being there so he can look after your son because you are concerned your son won't cope with being in the presence of his grandparents.

If I were in your shoes I would either invite in-laws over pronto and get them familiar with your son's routine, if you think they are suitable ad safe to look after him, or I would find an alternative local person who knows your ds well and would be willing to step into the God father's shoes if needed.

I know my son does not like being away from me for very long but given a nice reward like lots of extra TV he is very happy and can cope.

I am sure your son will be fine but if you pursue keeping your dh away from the birth of your child I would be worried that this will sow some resentments in your relationship, not because men have a right to be at a birth but because he is your partner, the baby's father and because he wants to be there and is upset at the prospect of not being.

Just my humble opinion. I hope all goes well and congratulations.

thursday · 28/10/2014 22:00

Wow. No of course he doesn't have the 'right' to be there. You can ban him. And that works for some families with genuinely no choices for childcare, or if he just isn't bothered about being involved. But he's really upset you are trying to keep away for (I'm sorry) a pretty ridiculous reason. You can force your own way on this but I'd not forgive you. There would be seething resentment til the end of time.

Strokethefurrywall · 28/10/2014 22:00

Well if it makes you feel any better OP, I left DS1 countless times (3-4 days away from about 5 months) with grandparents, overnight with friends every so often. Hasn't bothered him a jot and made me feel far more comfortable that he was happy wherever he was.

At 1 year old, he has no concept of time so really won't understand absence in any event.

I had DS2 in March this year and we left DS1 with our neighbour - no worries at all. Of course, if he had been fussing, DH would have stayed with him until nearer the time of birth and then come to hospital so that any distress to DS1 would be minimal (he was 2 1/2 when DS2 came).

Not a bother on him - seriously. Don't worry about your first, he will be absolutely fine and will no doubt be smothered with love from whomever is looking after him.

bronya · 28/10/2014 22:01

I think yanbu. There are a few days in the next week or so (I'm a week overdue) when there will be no-one he knows well who can have our DS. I am the adult, DS is only two - who should I put first, me or him? I'm thinking him. I'll cope fine. Hopefully it won't come to that, but it's not like I SEE the baby being born or cut the cord, and it's not harming me so DH will cope. I would labour as long as poss at home though.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 22:01

Not all of us see the birth as "the most significant part of our journey in having a child" actually.

Some of us see it as labour. We just want to get the baby out safely.

skylark2 · 28/10/2014 22:01

"And do you love the man seriously?"

Yes, seriously. I can't imagine having kids with someone and casually saying to them "oh btw you can't come to the birth because pfb isn't used to his gps babysitting, he might be upset."

Can you? Really?

No, that's not "emotional blackmail", it's how my relationship works. If yours doesn't, or the OP's doesn't, I think that's sad. The OP's DP really should be more to her than the most qualified babysitter for pfb.

Strictly1 · 28/10/2014 22:01

YABVU

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2014 22:01

Sorry dp not dh.

IdaClair · 28/10/2014 22:02

When my second child was born my dh was looking after my first child.

He was still at the birth though.