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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
fluffling · 28/10/2014 22:16

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Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:16

Maybe his father thinks his son will be perfectly happy with his parents for a few hours.

vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 22:16

Apocalypse. You seem to specialise in missing the point.

Oakandtheash · 28/10/2014 22:17

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Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 22:17

You know op I really really remember feeling just the same about our ds. He was our pfb ( and why the fuck wouldn't he be) and we left him with my parents while we both welcomed ds 2 into our lives 16 months later.

I hope he kept them awake all night but none of us remember. Ds1 is now 25!! Ds 2 is 23 but we both remember his birth.

Stop worrying. Your ds will be fine and don't even remember unless you make a big deal of it.

Enjoy your birth with your dh.

Relax it will be fine Thanks

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2014 22:17

OP, I'm glad you're starting to feel reassured (despite the ensuing bun fight).

I'm sure your DS will be fussed over and your DP will no doubt phone/text your PILs lots.

And besides, you might not go into labour when his godparent isn't there.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and with the birth Thanks

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 22:18

You've done a pretty good imitation of missing the point yourself vest

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:18

They have a loving relationship.

Yes, let's hope they do, Bowlersarm. And let's hope that that means that OP's DH will be able to understand that while she's giving birth, her needs are paramount. Her body, her birth. Let's hope that OP's Dh has rather more mature 'comprehension' skills than, say, Twitterqueen, and that he's able to understand that whilst it's currently fashionable for partners to attend the birth, it's not mandatory, it's not a right, it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is the well-being of the woman giving birth.

Oh, and chilling, I think you should apologise for being such a twat, there's a good girlie.

Iggi999 · 28/10/2014 22:19

I would want him there to speak up for me/look after me if anything went wrong. It isn't all about the baby, he would want to be there the same as he would if I were having an operation.
There are many reasons why a man shouldn't be at the birth of his child (eg if you have split up) it is not automatic, but I would prioritise his desire to see his baby being born over a child spending one day with responsible, but not very familiar, grandparents.

dixiechick1975 · 28/10/2014 22:19

I think you should have dp with you.

What if something goes wrong?

My DD was born with a missing limb undetected on ultrasounds. The Dr told DH who had the unenviable task of telling me (forceps delivery in theatre so I was pretty out of things) It was horrible but I can't image how it would have been alone.

A friend had a crash section under GA - her DH stayed with their baby whilst she was in unconcious afterwards.

Your older child will be fine.

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 22:19

Very condescending JulyKit. It's not chilling who is being the twat....

Original poster
Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 22:20

I went back to work so ds goes to nursery, we have left him but just not overnight, his godfather has put him to bed and he sleeps all night so it really would just be waking up with people he doesn't really know, we did plan but the plans fell through, I wasn't at all anxious about the godfather looking after him but he's had to go away as there has been a work emergency.

I'm hoping that I have the first stage of labour at home, we can drop ds of at nursery go to the hospital, have the baby and be home in time to collect ds ;) wishful thinking!

OP posts:
vestandknickers · 28/10/2014 22:21

Have I?

Love to hear why.

Maybe because I think Dad's have an equal right to meet their child at the moment it is born.

If so, apologies if you don't agree, but that is my opinion

forago · 28/10/2014 22:22

I think you're being a bit silly. my dc2 and dc3 were both born overnight so we left home about midnight and were home as the older child(ten) were having breakfast, perfectly happy with my sister and barely even realising we'd gone.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 22:23

Iggi it's current practice in hospitals that births are attended by medically trained staff who are able to observe and respond to the needs of women giving birth. It's really not necessary for husbands to attend to 'speak up' for wifey. So you can lose that little worry. HTH

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 22:23

your older child will be fine

This absolutely of course he will op. Honestly. Smile

UpduffedBatty · 28/10/2014 22:23

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iPaddy · 28/10/2014 22:24

RTFT people. OP has now said she is reassured that her DS will be fine. I do agree, at that age they don't really have a concept of time.

Stripy, very best of luck with your birth and your new baby. I was 2 weeks overdue and felt like it was never going to be my turn to give birth. You are probably collecting a nice lot of messages along the lines of 'have you had it yet?' which gave me the rage.

thursday · 28/10/2014 22:25

I had a crash section. I wasn't able to see our daughter til she was 12 hour sold, for a quick visit. Dh was able to go to scbu with her and my parents brought ds into to meet her too before I could. I'd have hated for no one to be able to go with her because I'd banned dh for no sensible reason. She could have died without either of us ever seeing her alive.

ErnesttheBavarian · 28/10/2014 22:26

I emigrated when I was 6 months pg. Baby came unexpectedly early. Had no choice but to call neighbour to look after d's 1 (16 months old). D's didn't know neighbour. I couldn't have done it without dh.

Same again with dc 4. Emigrated when 7 months pg. Had to get actually a random mumsnet.com who happened to live round the corner. She was amazing but at that time a stranger to my dc. Needs must.

You actually have real love family. If I were your dh I'd struggle to get over the hurt of being disallowed for such a stupid reason. I think it would stay with me forever.

Please consider his feelings in this.

UpduffedBatty · 28/10/2014 22:26

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DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 22:27

Maybe because I think Dad's have an equal right to meet their child at the moment it is born

Well they dont. The law agrees. Nobody gets to see that baby other than medical staff unless the mother says so. The child doesnt even have to have a father named unless the mother says so without a DNA test so no- no-one, including the father has a right to see the child.

mrsruffallo · 28/10/2014 22:28

Stripy, the fact your son is only one goes in his favour asvfar as being looked after by unfamiliar people goes.He'll probanly sleep most of the time! I had avterrible oanic about dc1 when I was having my second.It is hormonal, but completely normal. Good luck to you.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 28/10/2014 22:28

Funny posts.

Er isn't it part of a loving relationship that you have both committed to having a child so it would be a tad nice that daddy attended the birth?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 22:28

Apocolypse how awful, well if op requested hospital staff not let her DP in, I am sure that will work wonders for her relationship.