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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
JulyKit · 29/10/2014 19:46

Oh, and what Cats just said, of course. Smile

JulyKit · 29/10/2014 19:47

And YY, Apocalypse.

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 19:52

the woman carries the child but that does NOT mean the child is more hers than the fathers!

This has nothing to do with who the child 'belongs to more' ffs. This is about ensuring the best outcome for the people undergoing a potentially difficult and dangerous time (i.e. the mother and unborn child).

Any man who would rather assert his 'right' to be present during labour than do whatever will cause the least stress to the person carrying his child, isn't putting his child first, and isn't much of a father.

purplefeathers · 29/10/2014 20:11

50% dna does not automatically a good birth support make.

As others have pointed out, the most important thing a father can do is ensure his partner feels secure and confident. If that means leaving her to labour independently then that should be respected without feet stomping.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 29/10/2014 20:16

Yanbu.

Nobody has the right to be present at the birth, you can even deny medical staff.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 21:45

maninawomansworld the idea anyone has the 'right' to be present at a birth is absolutely crazy.

Much better for couples together to work out what they want to do, some mum-to-be will not want a partner present, some will, and vice versa. It's a personal decision. I expect most will come to a mutual agreement.

I answered earlier in relation to the specific case sited by the OP and had every sympathy with her husband wanting to be at the birth but that does not give him a 'right'. I do not think he has any right to be there and in law he does not. Just as I think IMHO it could be damaging to a relationship for mum-to-be to say she did not want the dad-to-be at the birth so it could be damaging for dad-to-be to insist he must be present at the birth.

maninawomansworld · 29/10/2014 22:40

I knew I'd get flamed but I stand by my opinions.
In a loving relationship which will provide a good upbringing for the child one would hope that the woman actually wants the father present and personally I think there is something a bit odd with the relationship if they do not. The father to be should not need to be asserting his rights if everything is as it should be!

BOFster · 29/10/2014 22:49

You haven't been flamed; it has been explained to you that you are wrong, that's all.

Surreyblah · 29/10/2014 22:49

Menz rights poster typie, there are no rights to assert. The father has no legal (or moral) right to be present during the birth. It is about the health and welfare of the woman going through labour and the safety of her and hither child.

Catsarebastards · 29/10/2014 22:49

Flamed? Or had your post responded to like many of the hundreds of posters before you? I think you flatter yourself.

purplefeathers · 29/10/2014 22:53

Flamed Hmm People disagree with your pov and you see it as a flaming?

maninawomansworld · 29/10/2014 23:01

Menz rights poster typie,
Well someone has to stick up for the downtrodden don't they! I am clearly not going to make any headway given the audience here, plus I don't really care that

there are no rights to assert
I know, doesn't make it right though.

it has been explained to you that you are wrong, that's all
Hahaha... is there an equivalent term for 'mansplaining'? It would be very appropriate here.

Catsarebastards · 29/10/2014 23:04

Well someone has to stick up for the downtrodden don't they

Grin oh behave!

Surreyblah · 29/10/2014 23:13
Grin
Inertia · 29/10/2014 23:40

An adult woman has genetic material inherited 100% from her father and mother. That doesn't give them the right to be spectators to any medical procedure she might have to undergo.

This thread highlights just how many people- including women- seem to regard pregnant / labouring women as simply incubators, rather than autonomous human beings.

JulyKit · 30/10/2014 00:08

manina flamed? Grin

Do calm down, dear.

And think about what I said to you in my last post. It's based on scientific evidence, you know, hun.

And think of this (nice little quote from FWR board, with which you may be familiar):

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT FIRST IT WILL PISS YOU OFF

Think about it. Wine

plinkyplonks · 30/10/2014 08:53

Birth is not always a medical procedure.

wanttosqueezeyou · 30/10/2014 09:20

Of course you're right plinky but most of us in this country go the hospital route as we value the comfort it brings us having a 'medical' back up plan. I think that's why its often referred to on this thread and elsewhere as a 'medical'

And its generally accepted that as it's as private and intimate as its possible to get, it warrants the same level of privacy.

manina you have very fixed ideas about what is correct in a relationship. You know some men don't even want to attend the birth. I wonder what your take is on them?

purplefeathers · 30/10/2014 09:26

That's probably their 'right' too wantto which would basically mean that the woman shouldn't have any choice in the matter. If the man wants to be there he should be, if he doesn't then he doesn't have to be.

I'm not even sure if referring to men as the downtrodden was a serious comment I mean, it can't be, can it? Hmm

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/10/2014 09:32

I think any woman in a good relationship should be able to tell her DP what she would find most helpful and supportive - being with her during childbirth or looking after an older sibling. He should be able to share his feelings too such as "I'd really like to be there, but yes, I can see there's a problem in who's going to look after ds"
You'd hope he'd be mature and supportive enough to put your needs, and therefore the needs of the whole family, first, and above his own wishes if need be.
Good luck!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/10/2014 09:34

Oh absolutely, it's all about the fathers. Who cares about the mother's health and therefore the baby's well-being: the guy has his moral right to watch.

purplefeathers · 30/10/2014 09:38

Good post juggling. That's exactly what happened in my situation.

There's so much talk of 'banning' husbands from the delivery room when it's not about that at all. It's about finding a solution that's best for the whole family. My dh will have a lovely exciting day with the children-they'll be out buying things for the baby and making cards etc. I'm quite jealous that I can't do that!

However, some posters on here seem to think my dh should leave me for that. Confused

ApocalypseThen · 30/10/2014 09:41

Yes, and consider himself as having helped to have the baby having been present, mainly awake and passing some drinks.

It's shocking the extent to which women's role is minimised and men's maximised to avoid men feeling hurt and excluded. It's the old "we're pregnant", "we gave birth at 12.45" thing.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 30/10/2014 09:43

If my DH demanded to be in the birth it would change the dynamic of our relationship.

I wanted him there, but he was under no obligation to come. He did because he wanted to.

It was me who was going through labour and delivery.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/10/2014 09:46

Thanks purplefeathers Smile

And good luck to you and all your lovely family too!

Some years ago when ds was born dd (aged 2.6yrs) enjoyed staying at home with granny making necklaces with wooden beads, having rather luckily discovered her big sister present a bit early, so I said yes she could have it. But not everyone has a granny on hand unfortunately - even ours had to come up from London once I was in labour (and only just in time!)