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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men don't have a right to be at the birth of their children?

427 replies

Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:19

I'm due to have a baby any day now last week and ds's godfather, the person due to look after him is going away for a couple of days Ds has a close relationship with his god father and we have prepared him for being looked after by him by having him put him to bed, learn about ds's routine and so on.

I'm quite worried about leaving ds as he co-sleeps and we have never left him over night before.

Dp has said that his parents should look after ds if I go into labour on the days where ds's god father is away. Ds doesn't know pil, they live quite a long way away and when they come to visit they spend about an hour with ds, they have no idea about his routines. Pil booked to come and visit (not staying with us) to see the new baby but of course there is no baby yet, so they are able to look after ds. Instead of spending time with him the usual visiting friends and having hair appointments take precedent (which is of course up to them!)

I feel so stressed about the thought of leaving ds with people who are strangers to him, I don't think I could relax in labour knowing my child was possibly distressed or confused. I really don't want ds to associate the baby coming with him being left with random people.

I have said to dp that if I go into labour on one of the days ds's godfather is away I'd prefer dp to stay at home with ds and actually that would be the most supportive thing he could do as it would allow me to focus on giving birth.

Dp is furious and says he has a right to be there at the birth of his child, I tried to point out to him that birth isn't a spectator sport and he should think about supporting me rather than thinking about his rights.

Does a father have the right to be at the birth of his child? I'm tempted to just call a taxi when I go into labour and go in by myself.

OP posts:
JulyKit · 28/10/2014 21:43

OMFG.

No, DP/DH does not have a 'right' to be present at birth.

How very, very bizarre that someone should assume that they have a 'right' to be present.

What is something went wrong? Hmm

There will be trained medical staff there, presumably? I think it's safe to assume that their presence will be rather more useful than that of someone who thinks their 'right' to hang out and watch trumps the right of their partner to give birth in the safest, most comfortable and least stressful way possible.

As for 'if he wants to be there so badly...' ... how about him considering what you want/need?

NickiFury · 28/10/2014 21:43

The only person who has the right to be at a birth is the mother and baby.

However I would be gutted not to be if I was the father. Ultimately though it's up to you.

Original poster
Stripylikeatiger · 28/10/2014 21:43

Ds co-sleeps next to dp and I'll have the baby in a bedside crib so we are prepared for another baby in that way.

I think I might to too late to arrange a home birth, maybe I can labour at home for as long as possible.

I'm thankful for the honest answers, I'm wondering if my hormones are clouding my judgement somewhat, I'm not concerned about my happiness in labour I just want the baby to come safely and ds to be happy.

OP posts:
VinoTime · 28/10/2014 21:43

You want to stop your husband from watching his second child being born because you don't like the idea of family having your first born for a sleepover for one night?

This will sound harsh OP and I'm really, really sorry, but you sound like one of those scary mum types I actively try to avoid... WinkGrin

It's one night for goodness sake.

Unless you DH

a) is physically/emotionally abusive

b) is a knobber who has been shagging his secretary behind your back

c) has ridiculously old fashioned views regarding menfolk attending a birth

d) has recently confided in you that he is a serial killer

e) has told you he's leaving you and the kids post birth to go live his unfulfilled dream of becoming a space cowboy

f) is in actual fact your bastard ex-DH and you don't want him to see your va-jay-jay ever again under any circumstances ever ever ever

...then how can you possibly think it's okay to keep him away? I feel really sorry for the poor bloke! You're being completely unreasonable and really irrational. Your DS will be fine Smile

Yama · 28/10/2014 21:43

I think there could be long held resentment either way.

I really hope ds's godfather isn't away when you are in labour.

FWIW, I think your wishes in this instance trump his by a long, long way.

ApocalypseThen · 28/10/2014 21:43

Apocolypse, he is not an ex or an abuser though. Do you want to help the op?

I can't help the OP, I'm not able to solve her childcare issue. Her actual question was whether fathers have the right to be present. Some apparently think the wish of a father is the only issue, my point is that fathers do not have the right, and for very good reasons.

DixieNormas · 28/10/2014 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 21:44

YABU. Even if your PIL don't see him often, they still aren't strangers to him! And they are your DP's parents... Do you really think they're not going to look after your son properly? He might be a bit sad but it's not going to do him lasting damage, and exiling your poor DP from the birth of his second child might very well do your relationship permanent damage! As a PP asked above, will you still be co-sleeping with your DS when you come home with a newborn? If not, how have you prepared him for this?

fluffling · 28/10/2014 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 21:44

2nd births are often very quick too- mine was- you might not need overnight care?!! ( optimist emoticon)

skylark2 · 28/10/2014 21:45

Write your PIL a list of what's important in your DS's routines. It's not like they've never looked after a baby before.

Does your DP have the right to be at the birth of his son? No. But if I discovered I meant that little to my partner, I doubt I'd bother sticking around, to be honest. Do you love the man or don't you?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 21:46

A moral right?
Exiling him from the birth?

Jesus. How the pendulum has swung.

LokiBear · 28/10/2014 21:46

I can understand your husband being angry and upset. My husband was awestruck when he saw our dd enter the. world. I couldn't take that away from him. Try and find a compromise, even if it's pils waiting in the waiting room with your d's and d's sleeping in his pram.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 21:46

Wow, lots of x-posting there! I do wonder about mothers who essentially seem to think of their partners as sperm donors rather than co-parents.

Twitterqueen · 28/10/2014 21:46

YABVU
Your poor DP - forbidden to be at the birth of his child.

Whether or not your DS knows his grandparents is kind of immaterial. Surely the whole point about family is that it's OK to be with them, even if you don't know them. I lived a long way away from my GPs as a child but even though I didn't know them at all - or they me - I knew they were my family and they would look after me.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 21:49

I'm really Hmm at all these "unless he is abusive/a cheat/your ex" comments. Being present at a woman's labour is not a reward for good behaviour! It is to support the woman and facilitate as stress free a birth as possible. You are there as her support. What matters is not what you have been doing prior to the birth but what the labouring woman wants. Nothing else.

Pugsake · 28/10/2014 21:49

No he doesn't have any right at all. And do you love the man seriously?

I bet the OP's had more emotional blackmail here then of her husband.

ApocalypseThen · 28/10/2014 21:50

I agree, Dia, and I certainly didn't intend to give the impression that that is my opinion.

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2014 21:52

The PILs will manage just fine

Your first baby will probably have a whale of a time and I'm sure your DH will be in constant contact with them, should there be any issues.

Crying 1 year olds get handed over to nurseries, CMs and babysitters everyday, and they are fine because they have to be.

Spending a short amount of time alone with granny and granddad will do him no harm at all.

5madthings · 28/10/2014 21:52

Exactly dia Ffs amazed at the poor man bollocks. The woman going through Labour gets to choose what is best for her and in this case the op thinks that May be her dh staying with their other child.

Men have no legal rights to be at the birth and nor do they have a moral right Ffs. The woman going through Labour decides, it's not a bloody spectator sport.

DiaDuit · 28/10/2014 21:52

No apocalypse it wasnt your comments. It was several others.

The term used is birth partner, not 'audience'

aprilanne · 28/10/2014 21:53

if he wants to be there you should let him .your little one will be fine .i mean it could be during the night .then his daddy will be back .it could destroy your relationship if you deny him this .my hubby was not there but we discussed it .he did,nt want to be there and i was fine with that .was never comfortable with the thought of him there faffing about .but we agreed thats the diffrence

Bowlersarm · 28/10/2014 21:53

YABU.

Your partner should be there to witness the birth of his child, if he wants to.

I don't agree with Dia it's far more complex.

JulyKit · 28/10/2014 21:53

So unless DP is 'an abuser or something', what he wants is the most important thing.

Hmm

I do wonder about mothers who essentially think of their partners as sperm donors.

Really?

I wonder about people who go around telling women that the wishes of their male partners are paramount even when those women are giving birth.

Staggering.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/10/2014 21:53

Co- parenting = two people bringing up a child

Giving birth = one person pushing baby out of her vagina.

I don't understand your confusion.