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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

249 replies

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2014 13:56

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 22/10/2014 19:05

I think it's weird.

But maybe they are very private, I'm
A great guest and will go to prettying any event or home, I live socialising! But I hate being a host, and go through the hosting bit with something of a grin and bear it stance. Perhaps they feel the same?

SteveBrucesNose · 22/10/2014 19:06

We

sykadelic · 22/10/2014 19:07

Normal for me too, married for 5 years and living in our current house for 4.

We live 0.3 miles from my in-laws (thank you Google maps) and we have been there once this year for dinner. FIL has stopped by maybe 5 times this year to talk about car stuff with DH, and also help DH build something for our house. MIL has never stepped foot in our house (there's a reason for that), FIL has.

My parents and family live in another country so only my mother has been to our house, once for a few weeks.

If you're actually meeting up with them, then it's fine :) 14 months not to see a house isn't anything at all :)

SteveBrucesNose · 22/10/2014 19:14

Ooooops

We never invited my ILs round when we lived that close. We never invited my parents either. Same as neither set of parents invited us up to theirs. We would either text to say we'd pop in later, or my mum would do that to me. His family came in our house once in 3 years. After about a year he asked them why they never visited or wanted to come round. They said they were waiting for an invite, and when he said it was his home and they were always welcome, they promised to come round more.

6 months later they still hadn't been, so he rang then and invited them round. They didn't come - they wanted the invitation to come from me (?!) to make sure they were really welcome.

In the end we moved away 3500 miles away and now they moan that we never invite them to stay, despite even offering to pay for their flights last year which they refused as they didn't want to impose. Whereas I often get emails from my mum telling me which flight she's on and which airport to pick her up from a few days later.

What I'm trying to get at, is perhaps there's just a difference in how you and your family see visiting and calling in, and what she's been brought up to believe is normal about calling in and visiting. Me and DH are clearly from opposite ends of the scale as far as that's concerned I've taught him the right way though and 14 months is nothing in the scheme - perhaps they just haven't found 'their' way yet. Give them time. You and they will figure out what's comfortable for all of you.

cerealqueen · 22/10/2014 19:22

Some people aren't very good or even dislike entertaining, even family.

Or have CHAOS - Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome - due to untidyness/clutter/uncleanliness

I grew up in a home like that, we probably came across like your son does.

Invite them round when the house is a complete mess and they may lighten up!

Personally I would just leave it.

MakkaPakkastolemystone · 22/10/2014 19:43

OP, I think you've had a bit of a hard time over this from some posters. When I first married my DH, I hated having my ILs over, it was such a faff. They're big " entertainers" and having them over meant a huge clean and tidy and a shop for goodies for tea etc. It wasn't so much expected but I felt I should, so we saw them out or at theirs much more often. Also my own parents prefered to be visited and I was used to that. If it makes it easier meantime, it all totally changed after we had our baby. It was loads easier to have them over to us and I felt able to relax a bit and not "entertain". Maybe they feel a bit like that? To be clear, it wasn't anything my ILs did, it was just how I felt.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/10/2014 19:56

docpeppa

That is a very harsh view.

Just because your grandmother is a good grandmother doesn't mean that she was a good mother.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/10/2014 21:06

I am really close to my mother , however she rarely visits my home.
I adore my mother , but I prefer to visit her at the 'family' home

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 21:11

AskYourselfWhy Wed 22-Oct-14 16:56:29

Why don't you chat in friendly manner to your sils and in chat mention they don't have parents over much.

How parents treat daughters can be different to how they treat sons and dils,

I have very diff relationship with my MIL than my mil does with her own daughter.

My sil couldn't possibly comment on this as she has not been treated in the same way.

You sound very bitter to your sils.

OP I justsitfy my comments about looking to yourself, on the fact you cannot ask your son a simple question.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 22/10/2014 21:11

that is not the sign of a great or close relationship.

Snickersnickers · 22/10/2014 21:33

I think you are being a bit daft. They once were a little less then warm but it could have easily been on the back of PMT or an argument between them, or a hang over or exhaustion after a late night. Why don't you try again?

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/10/2014 22:18

Op, i asked about 100 posts ago, but who instigates them visiting you and going out to dinner? If they are often initiating i would not be worried at all, but if you are always booking in the next visit/event for a fortnights' time, it may be that they are less keen than you. That's not to say that you don't have a good relationship with them, but assuming they work and have busy lives, every two-three weeks sounds like a lot to me.

Purplepoodle · 22/10/2014 22:28

Honestly we live near pil and they never come to our house. They don't need an invite they just never come round. We go to theirs every weekend and pop in quite often. Perhaps it's more comfortable that way as it's dh's childhood home.

SASASI · 22/10/2014 23:04

Do you think your excitement of their new home, wanting to see everything etc made the DIL go 'they needn't bother thinking they are going to be here all the time' and she pre-emptied a situation that hadn't actually happened (as yet) and hence the no invites & hostility at the time?

I hope that makes sense as a DIL who has a horrendous relationship with her MIL. A lot of history which I can't forgive her for but we pass ourselves. She thinks the world owes her & expects people to pander to her which I refuse to do. She 'conveniently' texts DH to arrange visits at dinner time on the day - so I have no extra food for her & no intention to feed her everytime she visits either! She is retired , in gd health & never offers to do anything for us. Yous sound kind - I'm sure if you rang some night & said ' I made an extra lasagne, it would do yous for tea tomorrow night or yous could freeze it for another night, when would it suit to call & drop it off?' It wud go down well - even couples without children are busy & appreciate a gentle non intrusive helping hand!

Jewels234 · 22/10/2014 23:09

As someone in your daughter in laws position, it depends on the situation. At the moment I'm in the middle of moving house, planning a wedding, training for a marathon and moving jobs. I barely see my others half as it is. I can't cope it anything else on my plate, and my MILs constant insistence on having our time is a nightmare. I can't fit her in every 2 months, let alone any more frequently.

If it's a temporary thing because they are busy then it's understandable. I would think YANBU if this is permanent. Once in 14 months isn't on. I have my in laws around every 3 months at least, and I can't stand them!

PercyHorse · 22/10/2014 23:19

Can I ask how much you were at there house between them getting the keys and the last time? You say you helped with the cleaning and decorating. Then you invited yourself around when the carpet was due to arrive. Is it possible that these were things they wanted to do together as a couple and your help wasn't actually wanted?

BackforGood · 22/10/2014 23:40

I'm most surprised by the formality of the relationship you have with your ds. I can't ever envisage a time when I couldn't ask him something in case he theninvited me out of guilt. I can't ever envisage a time when I couldn't just say "Your turn to cook next then " or "we want to pop round to see this new sofa- would 7.30 on Wed be ok? or "Ive not seen you for ages, can I come and watch MotD withyou on Saturday. or whatever. I mean, it's your SON not a new colleague or boss or someone you are being careful about the impresson you are making.

LuluJakey1 · 22/10/2014 23:50

DH and I are not overly sociable at home. We like our house to ourselves and hate people just calling round. But we have PIL to stay for a weekend 2 or 3 times a year and we go down to see them in Yorkshire.

We like to have people round- but only if we ask them Grin

LilMissSunshine9 · 22/10/2014 23:55

My parents come over once a month or every other month (they live 40 miles away so about an hour drive). However, the one thing I do not like is them staying over actually any visitor staying over - just not keen on it really. Maybe its because I haven't set up the spare room so there is only my bed or the couch to sleep on.

2rebecca · 22/10/2014 23:57

I'd presumed that the comment on the carpets had just been poorly worded and the OP meant after the new carpets arrived ie a few days afterwards not when they arrived ie simultaneously.
I think it depends on whether or not you gave them a choice of day or just invited yourself round on a particular day with them having no option of saying that day wasn't convenient. The carpets were down and not going anywhere.
I think invites are best done by phone. I'd phone your son and ask if you can come round to visit some time "just for an hour or so to see you and the house". If he's vague and doesn't get back to you with an invite then I'd leave it.

haretyme · 23/10/2014 00:02

Hi i rarely invite my inlaws round because i feel inferior plus with working fulltime i am to tired to make the effort i need to for them! If they come i do make them very welcome though and feel more guilty after having a lovely time. My DH just does mot think of inviting his parents round my dad was the same it was always mum that had to prompt him.

PercyHorse · 23/10/2014 00:08

I have to say I find the whole popping round to see the new carpets thing odd. Who invites themselves to see someone else's interior decor? Surely that's something you wait to be shown the next time you're invited around.

I can't ever imagine arranging to visit furnishings.

Wadingthroughsoup · 23/10/2014 00:17

I think it's a bit odd, yes, OP.

I couldn't imagine never inviting my parents or ILs to our home. They have provided us with a great deal of hospitality over the years and it would feel very rude not to reciprocate.

I think my ILs are more comfortable having us over to theirs, and we go there more often than they come here, but we invite them here for meals occasionally, BBQs, that kind of thing. We've hosted Christmas here a couple of times.

I'm quite an introvert and prefer not to have people over for very long periods of time, and I find hosting quite hard work/expensive etc, but to never invite people when we have benefitted from their hospitality would be really rude, IMO.

2rebecca · 23/10/2014 00:17

Alot of women on mumsnet seem to tell their older relatives every detail of their purchases though and then act surprised when the relatives give an opinion on things and want to be involved in them. The OP says she was very excited about the carpets which sounds like she was over-involved in things as other people's carpets aren't that exciting usually.
Maybe inviting herself round rather than discussing a suitable day on the phone made them realise that they were oversharing the details of their new home and needed to reclaim their own home but they've gone a bit too far.
It may also be that they just feel they see the OP fairly frequently anyway so inviting her round doesn't occur to them.

SurfsUp1 · 23/10/2014 01:37

OP, you probably just walked in on them mid-row (it's difficult to schedule rows even when you have notice of a visit Wink). Unless you did/said something odd while you were there it seems unlikely that your planned visit was the cause of the "atmosphere". If you had just asked you DS a day or so later you might have saved yourself a year of worrying! "Did we upset your of DW when we came to visit of did we just arrive at a bad time?" At least that way you know!!

We have been in our current house for 2 years and we've probably invited my PIL around 2 or 3 times other than situations when they've come to collect/drop off the children. Generally we would only invite them here if it's easier to be here rather than their place due to our kids needing to go to bed.

We never invited them to our first home as FIL is a bit of a snob and prefers to entertain at his house.

If you want to be invited around there, you simply need to act like going there is totally normal. Ignore any concerns about awkwardness and come up with an excuse to come over and drop something off or just to pop in and say hello. There's nothing weird about asking to pop in - it's not like you're being a pest! If you act like it's the most normal thing in the world you'll probably find that it actually is.

I would never think to invite my PIL around unless there was an actual "reason" to do so and I'm very friendly with them and see them regularly at their house or out at restaurants etc.