to think it's odd that I'm never invited to my son's house

[runningonwillpower]

I honestly don't know if I'm being over-sensitive.

My son has been married for about 14 months and he and his wife live about 4 miles away.

We love them and I think we have a good relationship. When we see them everything seems good.

I totally understand that they are newly married and wrapped up in their new life. For that very reason, I'm trying hard not to get too involved. I try to be respectful of the MIL status so I never ever 'pop round' because who wants that? That's not entirely true. We popped round once in the early days and it was clearly a mistake; we haven't done it since.

I am struggling not to be hurt that I am a stranger to their home. We have been invited once in the time that they have lived there.

We recently bought them a not inexpensive item of furniture - of their choosing and as an agreed gift - and they sent me photograph by way of thanks. The gift wasn't a way of buying into their lives because I don't want that. But the photograph just seemed to highlight the fact that they really don't want us round there. I would have liked to have seen the real thing - is that unreasonable?

Am I over-thinking this? Am I seeing a problem where there is none? Or is it odd to have a son round the corner and you don't know what his house looks like?

In all honesty, I want to be told that I am being unreasonable. Because otherwise I'm worried that there is an underlying problem that I don't understand and I don't know how to address.

I have to say I find the whole popping round to see the new carpets thing odd. Who invites themselves to see someone else's interior decor?

I can't think of a single one of my friends who's Mum would not come around to have a look when they redecorate.

I find it more strange that the op's relationship with her DS is so stilted that she can't say to her son "the photo of the large decor item we bought you looks fab! I'd love to pop in and see it in situ."

Birthdays are always a good excuse too. Buy some flowers or whatever and ask if you could pop around to drop them off?

Maybe your DS is too embarrassed to ask again because the first time was awkward. Or maybe he's just a typical thoughtless male

Hmmm.

I don't invite in laws around often as I'm embarrassed of our house. It's frequently messy and we can't afford to finish some projects etc. But they come for the children's birthdays. We go to theirs frequently...every few weekends, and they have DS every Wednesday after school.

This is making me feel bad though. I will sort my crap and invite them over for brunch.

We had a similar situation with our DS. He and DiL used to come for Sunday lunch at our house a lot but never invited us back. I think for them they were concentrating on building their life as a couple. Also DiL came from a family which didn't invite people round much, and we have never been great ones for 'popping in'.
Even now (12 years on) we have had 2 Christmas lunches at theirs, a Christmas tea and Sunday lunch about twice.
Try not to get too upset. We found a lot changed when they had DCs and they became much more aware of the value of family, and we seem to have settled into a pattern that suits everyone.

I found the wanting to see the carpets comment weird as well.

Also, did your ds and dil choose the item and you pay, or was it your choice and style?

If you want to visit them then ring and ask if you can pop over to see them, not the furnishings.

i think scone is right about adult children, especially if they don't have children themselves, seeing the parents' house still as one of their homes

also, dp's mum likes to see their house as the social hub, so she will always rather have us come over. that said, i do think we should invite dp's parents more, and this thread has made me conscious of that

If you are seeing them every 2-3 weeks and generally have a good relationship then be happy with that for now. That's a perfectly normal level of contact given how close you are. My guess would be that they don't want the stress of having to clean and tidy the house to MIL-visit standards and what's important is spending time with them, not the location where that time is spent.

Boney

Yes my view is harsh, I agree. It has nothing to do with my nan's skills as a mother though, probably more my annoyance with my uncles wife. My uncle visits her all the time, just without his wife. They have a good relationship. I just think it's sad his kids were never allowed to develop a bond and he did nothing about it, not just with my nan, with his whole family. We hardly know his kids.

My mum and Aunty are also very close with her. I think it is just a case of my uncles wife not wanting her MIL involved.

Maybe the situation is not as bad for OP

I think you are possibly overthinking it.
DP's parents were over the other night for dinner and said it was the first time they had had a meal at ours- they had been over a couple of times (after a meal out) but not alot. The reason is DP is pretty crap at organising anything/lazy and generally waits for his mum to suggest meeting - which if she does would general be an invite to theirs -or he will go to theirs so his mum cooks and he acts like a teenager.
If he invites people to ours it would require more of an effort from him (cooking, tidying)
All his family relationships tend to centre round their parents house (he only sees his siblings there for example).
With my family we go to each others houses pretty evenly but we are all active in organising.
I suspect that my"in laws" blame me - they are of the generation that thinks the woman should be responsible for family things- i think DP's family= DP's responsibility.

I think it's probably nothing more than a habit to be honest, rather than anything more. They are used to seeing you at your house or outside so it probably doesn't even occur to them that you might want an invite to theirs.

I never invite family over. But that's because if I speak to my mum/dad/in laws the conversation usually goes like this:

THEM: '...I might pop in next week if you're around? '
ME: 'That will be nice'
THEM: 'OK, is Monday ok for you?'
ME: 'Should be, will let you know if there are any problems. See you then!'

Simply, if people wait for an invite to mine, they will be waiting a long time! I just expect that if they want to come round they will suggest it. I don't ask them if they want to come over because I don't want them to feel pressured to visit.

Hopefully in your case OP it's just some crossed wires.

Maybe it is just me but this going to my son/daughters house seems all a bit formal.

My parents come over and its never a formal invite/sit down meal, they just come over and its all relaxed. I'll make them drinks but they are equally welcome to get up and help themselves to food, more drinks - my house is their house kinda of atmosphere. My Dad isn't one for sitting down much so ends up getting up and doing something or other in the garden whilst mum and I chat. It doesn't bother me because that is how he is - he cant sit and do nothing/chat/watch tv for long.

It is a case of treat it as if your at home but just respect any different rules we may have (e.g. I have a rule of no shoes upstairs as I have laminate flooring). Same when I go over to my sister's, I go round and help myself to a drink if I need one, if I stay longer over meal time I'll get involved and help - equalyl she is the same when she comes to mine.

I do prefer they give notice so I can have a quick tidy up but considering we all live between 10-30 miles away its normal to make sure someone is in and its ok to come over for a bit.

Some people don't have visitors and that is the way they like it. They are anti social and selfish people.

I have had at least two family gatherings a year for the last 30 years and there are some miserable bastard in laws who don't reciprocate ever, but they come here boots blacked, when there is free food and drink. They even cause trouble in the past. I often ask them why they don't have parties and they say, my house isn't big enough, like yours'. I have to remind them that I did it when we had nothing and were in a two up, two down house. What has size of house got to do with it? They are just takers.

There I got that off my chest! Does that help OP (I suppose not)

But as someone said they are probably unaware of your feelings and are wrapped up in themselves to realise.

I seem to be in a minority but if I had family within 4 miles, or DP did, I would expect them to feel free to come round whenever they wanted. A quick call to say they are on their way would be good, but not necessary. This is all assuming I had a good relationship with them, because if someone is family and I have a good relationship with them, I'd expect us to be on terms where it didn't matter if I was in a dressing gown and no make up or the house was a mess. I completely understand some people wouldn't feel like that.

OP, I don't think you need worry about being invited round out of guilt. If they have a significant reason for not asking you (they may not, it may just be ease/habit) then guilt won't make them change their minds I don't think.

Docpeppa; you honestly can't imagine why someone would not want to live through your family? People have their own lives, their own way of doing things, overbearing inlaws who expect your life and that of your children to revolve around them because they have no life of their own will always demand more than is possible to give, create intolerable stress on your marriage, sanity and health and the only way of dealing with them is avoidance.

Expect less, have your own interests, don't push yourself on people, don't demand more time than they wish to give, don't expect entitlements toward their children, respect, listen and you'll get a lot more because they won't run like hell. People naturally recoil from those who cause them stress and welcome those who make them feel good.

Other people are entitled not to live in your pocket just because you feel they should. Your uncles wife is perfectly entitled not to sacrifice her life and children for your grandmothers entertainment.

It is unusual, however, there were times when I didn't invite my Mum over because progress on the DIY front was slow when we were both working flat out full time and I couldn't be doing with the, "Why don't you just get on with it, do this, do that..." comments. Not saying you are doing this of course but it may be something to consider...

I would let them get on with it. If it feels a bit one sided then I would probably stop inviting them to my house and see them somewhere neutral. There's nowt queer as folk and it's probably nothing to do with you.

Op,just let sleeping dogs lie!The habit,tone, whatever has been set for too long now and whatever you say will cause bad feeling.

For goodness sake do not rock up with a cake.Just be glad you had the photo of the piece of furniture.

People do not all behave the same and I would just let things chug on as usual.You are right to feel that the boat may be rocked,whatever you do.

I wouldn't expect family members to come round whenever they wanted because that implies their desires and wants are more important than mine. If I've decided to do some online work or music practice I don't think someone else's desire to come round and chat should over rule what I wish to do. Different if they are upset and need to discuss something urgently but not general chit chat.
Some people find people who don't want to socialise selfish. Why is staying in your own house entertaining yourself more selfish than wanting to visit someone else so they can entertain you?
I prefer to discuss meeting up with people and arrange it at mutually convenient times.

I can't imagine seeing people regularly and not being able to talk.

The one visit before could have been uncomfortable for many reasons not to do with you.
They might have been mid argument, or someone had stank out the bathroom, or you were literally 2 seconds behind them as they came on from work. Maybe lines have got crossed and they've misunderstood something and think you don't want to visit and they're offended by your lack of interest in their home.
You could ask a bunch of strangers or you could, you know, talk?

I'm with 2rebecca. I think it's a bit weird that those who choose not to have visitors are automatically called selfish or disgraceful or shabby. It's true that they might be choosing to do things differently from the rest of us but "disgraceful" implies that somehow the PIL have some sort of right to be in the son and DIL's house, regardless of their wishes, and that they are somehow being deprived of that right. Which is surely a bit weird? It's their house. If, as previous posters have suggested, they wish to engage in private activities in their sitting room from the minute they get home from work until the minute they go to bed, then they are perfectly entitled to do that. If it were about people's time, then I might think differently - I agree that it might under some circumstances be selfish to never be willing to give up any of your time to extended family activities, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Perhaps I'm a bit over-touchy about it, though. I see PIL perhaps every other weekend, half the time at theirs and half at ours, but that has been negotiated down from a position whereby they would let themselves into our house with a key whenever they felt like it and wander round. I felt that this was an invasion of our privacy, but I'm absolutely certain that they consider that I am selfish and unreasonable for not allowing them access to what they seem to consider to be "their" (?!) house.

So, we're never again popping round and we're never again asking when would be a good time to pop round.

^^ This I think this is a mistake. You don't have a pattern of behaviour - you have a one off bad atmosphere that may or may not be related to your visit.

I'd do a pre arranged pop round again - admire the furniture and get out quick if the atmosphere is bad. It could have been anything before.

Mind you my mother used to get upset when my any of my GP come over even pre arranged - when they stopped she got upset that they haven't visited in years. There was a lot of bad blood and offness generally though and this pattern of behaviour was/is very my mum. So there is a chance you could be dealing with that - but given an otherwise great relationship unlikely.

From what I know of my family and friends - no it not really not normal to be that close and not visit unless there is bad blood. If you don't address it in any way though it will become your new normal.

Not being able to talk to your son or dil about something that is worrying you, suggests that you don't actually have a good relationship with them.

The location of your meetings is a red herring.