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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ripping with my mil about this

416 replies

mineallmine · 20/10/2014 15:45

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 04/12/2014 21:01

You needed to say it though as your DH was never going to confront her properly. Her excuses are total bollocks and its good that you calmly called her out on it. If your DH is angry then he has himself to blame for not dealing with it properly.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 04/12/2014 21:05

Your DH would have been angry whenever you tackled this issue so better to get it over and done with before your DD got hurt.

^^YY.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 04/12/2014 21:08

You know, mine, you could just not bring it up until he does. I mean, it sounds like your MIL won't want to pursue the subject, esp as he did speak to her off his own bat and so she knows he actually agrees with you. She might want to say nothing to anyone and quietly change her behaviour.

Just a thought - no need for you to 'fess up just yet..... at least not tonight anyway.

ASunnyTiger · 04/12/2014 21:31

Well done OP! It needed saying and, sad as it is that your DH doesn't have the strength to say it himself, it's good that your DC have at least 1 parent that will fight for them.

Spadequeen · 04/12/2014 21:54

Good for you op

Starlightbright1 · 04/12/2014 21:59

Well done.

Your DS sounds lovely. It sounds like they have a very special bond together

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 22:03

Mineallmine he has no right to be angry, he should have done this instead of accepting her lame excuses. You stand up to him like you did MIL, abd give him a piece of you too!

cheesecakemom · 04/12/2014 22:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
mineallmine · 04/12/2014 22:08

Well DH has totally surprised me. I just told him straight out, told him everything I said, told him there was no anger and no malice in how I spoke to MIL and that everything I said was the unexaggerated truth. I told him MIL was pissed off and that there would be fallout but that nothing was said that she can pick holes in. He agreed that she doesn't ever like to be challenged. Ultimately all I asked her to do was to treat our children equally. He was absolutely fine about it, agreed that she'll be boiling mad but agreed that it needed to be said. I said that at some stage the conversation had to be had with her and at least it's done now before dd knows anything about it.

It'll be hard for him but at least I feel we're together in this again. I've been so resentful of him since MIL's visit home when he didn't speak to her. I think he's actually relieved that it's done.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 04/12/2014 22:09

Mineallmine, you rock and you are my new hero

well done you, your dcs are so lucky have a fab mum like you and you must be so proud of your dcs Grin

Goldmandra · 04/12/2014 22:14

I think he's actually relieved that it's done.

My DH is the same. He even once handed the phone to me when his brother was tantruming about the timing of MIL's funeral and he needed to be told to pull his head in.

I am so glad you didn't get any fallout from him. You can now take a united approach to dealing with any from her or the wider family which will make it so much nicer.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 22:19

Well done, fantastic mine great news. Hopefully it's given her food for thought.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 22:20

That is super, super news!

Well done!

Original poster
mineallmine · 04/12/2014 22:20

I forgot to say thanks to everyone (well everyone bar one person!!) for your contributions on this thread. It's helped me more than you know. It's also made me reevaluate my relationship with my Dh and see that I need to stand up to him more.

And yes, my ds is one in a million. Can I share one story about him that will make you understand what a truly lovely person he is? Many years ago, at the start of our adoption journey, we had planned on going to China to adopt a little girl. DS knew all about the plans- he was about 7 at the time. One evening out of the blue, he asked 'You know my little sister in China, where will she be born?' and I said 'China, of course.' 'No,' he said, 'I was born in your tummy, where will my little sister be born?' and I explained about how the one child policy in China, how her Chinese mammy would really want her to have a lovely life with us etc.' Then I heard crying (we were driving for this conversation) and I said 'DS, don't be sad, your little sister will be so happy to have a lovely brother and mammy and daddy and we'll be so thrilled to have a beautiful little girl. It's a really happy thing.' And then DS said 'I know she'll be happy and I know we'll be happy but the mammy whose tummy she grew in will be so sad that she can't keep her.'

That's my beautiful boy.

And he's also moody and hormonal and untidy and fussy about food so you'll be glad to know he's normal!

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 04/12/2014 22:21

Well that's the strongest expression of support you could have hoped for, and it implies that your DH is perhaps more mature than he initially sounded since he didn't go off on a defensive mission and shout the house down!

I'm very glad that it's been so smoothly handled; by you, let the record show, although he gets minor credit for taking it gracefully.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 04/12/2014 22:22

Oops, x-posted. Your DS sounds lovely though Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2014 22:27

Awwww what a fantastic ds you have there Smile, what a lovely little family

BOFster · 04/12/2014 22:33

What a beautiful boy you have- and you sound like you thoroughly deserve him. I bet he'll go on to do something really special with his life. This whole thread has really brought home to me the effect that such a simple thing as being a loving parent can have in the world, so thank you for that Flowers.

fluffforbrains · 04/12/2014 22:34

My DHs grandparents gave exactly half the money to DD2 that DD1 got. They said openly it was because she was No2 (not that we are planning on a football team or anything). It's so hurtful when people treat your children differently, I'd be having words, it could lead to resentment in later life.

RandomMess · 04/12/2014 22:34

Aw bless your ds, how wonderfully emotionally connected and sympathetic he is Smile

ExitPursuedByABear · 05/12/2014 11:25

Glad everything has turned out ok.

You will let us know if both your dc get something from granny at Christmas.

CrapBag · 05/12/2014 11:31

That's great that your DH agrees with what you did. Clearly he knew it needed saying but couldn't bring himself to upset his mother. I think sometimes it takes someone not so close to be able to say these things. I hope she actually gets them equal presents at Christmas. I wouldn't be surprised if she still does something, like get DD a token present instead of an equal one to your ds (who sounds brilliant btw).

arkengarthdale · 05/12/2014 12:46

Seem to have got something in my eye there reading about your boy's concern for the Chinese mother....

Original poster
mineallmine · 19/12/2014 20:33

And the saga continues for anyone still interested...

Today my ds phoned me at work all excited because cards had come for him and dd from GPs and he was very excited that dd's was signed 'from your loving and sometimes forgetful GPs.' He was so excited that dd had money in her card too. So I was delighted, thought 'Fair enough, that was an olive branch.' But then when I got home I discovered she'd send ds €50 and dd €25.

My final comment to her was that all we ask is that she treat the children the same. But I can't say anything because when ds was that age, it was always €20 in a card (which I told her when we spoke about it) so she will argue that when dd is 14, she'll also get €50. And she probably will but it still annoys me. There was no need to give ds so much, she never has before. She's just sticking two fingers up to me to let me know I'm not the boss of her.

Anyway so ends the tale. I'm not stirring any more. I made my point and I can't make her do what I want her to do. DD is delighted (she really is too young to understand any of this) and my poor ds is soooo relieved that dd got something in her card. He never mentioned that he got more, he probably just accepts that he's older. I just wish she'd gone out with the €25 and bought dd a lovely dress or something so that the difference wouldn't be so blatant.

So tomorrow I'll get the children to phone and thank their GPs. But there's a part of me that will not get over this and I'll always be on my guard with them in regard to dd. And it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever get on a plane to visit them again.

OP posts:
Jill2015 · 19/12/2014 20:50

Fair play to you, you have handled it well. I had read the thread at the time, just reading your post now about what your son said about the baby, awww. It says a lot about him also that he is so happy to see his little sis get a present this time around.

That is as good as it is going to get, at a guess, with your mil. You have done all that you can. Flowers

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