to be ripping with my mil about this

[mineallmine]

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

Rocks? I've had bloody torpedoes go through my boat in the past due to leaving stuff unsaid!

*Look at it objectively: op's DH has got a 'difficult' mother, to put it mildly. Like many other children of difficult parents, he sounds like he's mired in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and would much rather just do whatever he needs to do to keep Mummy happy. If he grew up in a world like that, it will practically be second nature.

Then he marries op, and op (like most spouses) will follow her DH's lead wrt his relatives, albeit with the occasional hmm in private. Thus the op gets sucked in.

When the difficult mother's behaviour crosses a line, op notices and reacts first, while putting pressure on her DH to sort it out. He, in response to all his training, is very confused - one the one hand his daughter is hurting, on the other Mummy must be right. He gets angry at op in response as she is the face of the need for change.*

It's like you've been sitting watching the family dynamic. That's exactly the way it is. And while I don't much like confrontation, I wouldn't ever shy away from a row in my own family if needs be. But with DH's family, I've stayed on the sidelines because I don't want to be in the middle of their weirdness.

I'm reflecting on my own behaviour around them and DH now.The two times I've had 'words' with MIL have been without DH's backing. When she said the nasty things about my niece, I phoned her that evening: DH was at work and i never spoke to him first. He probably would have told me not to ring her. Another time, PIL were staying in our house while we were on holidays and MIL invited SIL to stay overnight in my house without asking me. I didn't want her staying because it would have meant her staying in my bedroom which I'm not comfortable with. And I was annoyed that I wasn't asked. I was very annoyed and wanted DH to phone MIL and tell her overnight visitors were not allowed but he wouldn't so I phoned her myself. It caused lots of talking behind my back but I was glad I did it because she, I felt, was overstepping the mark. There have been lots of things over the years that I've let go because DH told me I was looking for things to be pissed off about.

In hindsight, of course I wish I'd just said something on the Sunday when she was here after DH told me he hadn't said anything, but I stupidly presumed that he would just do it. This situation or any like it won't happen again because I'll never look for 'permission' from him to approach MIL again. Ever.

It's like you've been sitting watching the family dynamic.

No, just lived in it myself. These endless patterns of negative human behaviour, eh?

This situation or any like it won't happen again because I'll never look for 'permission' from him to approach MIL again. Ever.

Fair enough, she sounds like she deserves it. But please try not to feel too contemptuous towards your DH - it is SO hard to overcome your training, especially when you don't really accept that you've had any. What I'm trying to say is, give her a piece of your mind but don't give your DH an earful for his inadequacy (if you were going to anyway I'd be tempted.

Have not read whole thread so quite possibly missing something but: were MiLs other GCs given birthday money from birth? It isn't just that DD is too young still to go in a shop and spend her Euros?. Suspect not, but you'd want to eliminate that before getting too riled up?

Excuse me if I've totally MTP....

GladysKnight No, our ds was always sent money in a card with instructions for us to buy something from Granny and Grandad. They moved abroad when ds was 3 and they've never missed the money in a card for birthday and Christmas since then.

Plumping There's a part of me that feels so sorry for DH because he sees how our family are, and we're not the Waltons, but it must shine a torch on his own family. While I am SO frustrated with him for not being able to do what to the world and its mother is the most simple thing, another part of me knows that it's very hard for him. I'd love him to go for counselling but he won't- there's nothing wrong with him, you see

The only saving grace in all of this is that dd doesn't know a thing about all this. And ds, lovely though he is, is a teenager and is back to the world revolving about him, his comics -sorry, graphic novels - etc.

Op I hope that it does. Yes you do sound frightened of your dh because he is a shouter. Yes give him that chance, but if there is no present you are straight on that phone no ifs or buts or asking dh.

You have given him many chances though, whoes to say he won't say anything at Christmas, and by the tone of his behaviour, he won't. I think that you are flogging a dead horse there.

you've got it sussed op x

Oh well, just a thought. Really hope you get this sorted, I know it would really eat away at me too.

Aeroflotgirl I think I probably am, if not afraid, then nervous of him when he shouts. My mother used to lose her temper a lot when we were kids and I know I go back to feeling the way I did as a child when he gets like that. He fights dirty and will say anything to 'win.' He's a bit of a bully. So I probably avoid it as much as possible. (But don't get the impression that I'm a pushover, I'm really not. I just can't bear being shouted at and will go silent when that starts.)

If he hasn't said anything before Christmas, then he can't tell me to 'back off his family' again because I can legitimately tell him he failed to do what he promised he would do and do it myself. If I was to do it now, he can always throw at me that he was just about to do it.

And in future, I will NEVER seek to 'clear' it with him first before challenging MIL: I'll just go and phone her myself and tell him afterwards. This whole thing has made me sad on many levels.

I think you are taking the right course of action for now. Of course with hindsight you wouldn't have involved dh with speaking to MIL and just got on and done it.

Your MIL is actually a much less kind person that perhaps you realise, afterall she is a divide and conquer bully which is incredibly sad.

I've been following this thread since the start but as time goes on, it seems like there are more issues here. Your MIL's behaviour towards your DD certainly needs addressing, but I also think your relationship with your husband does, too. I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic and I'm speaking out of turn, but I have never had a partner 'warn' me not to say something. I haven't been scared to say what I think, particularly not when something is so important. That's simply not right.

When you first went through the adoption process, weren't other people's attitudes towards adoption and so on discussed? I don't understand how your husband can see his adopted child treated differently from his biological child and not be so incensed that he has to say something to his mother, however much FOG is there. Shouldn't his natural instinct be to stick up for HIS small, defenceless child?

I wish you luck.

I think whoever mentioned the public nature of parties hit the nail on the head. When with her family members she will act like she loves DD, but privately let you know, like with the money in the card, that she is a heartless grandparent, much like UNIcycle.

I have seen this with family members, not related to adoption,but in front of some family they act like the lovely person, eager to help, in front of other members ignore them, but if both parties are together the second doesn't get ignores

OP, I've been in a similar situation. It's only my opinion, but I strongly think that you should speak to your MIL about this directly, at whatever time/ in whatever way you think best.

For whatever reason, DH is unwilling/ unable to deal with MIL and constantly nagging him (to do what he ruddy well should!), is probably exhausting for you and could damage your relationship.

Your DD is way more important than your MIL. Do what needs to be done, it doesn't sound like anyone else will.

Ps DS sounds lovely!

I think dh is as much of the problem here as MIL

"If he hasn't said anything before Christmas, then he can't tell me to 'back off his family' again because I can legitimately tell him he failed to do what he promised he would do and do it myself. If I was to do it now, he can always throw at me that he was just about to do it."
He promised to do it face-to-face when they were over in November. You can ALREADY legitimately tell him he failed to do what he promised he would do .

"The only saving grace in all of this is that dd doesn't know a thing about all this. And ds, lovely though he is, is a teenager and is back to the world revolving about him, his comics -sorry, graphic novels - etc."
Sorry, but I think this might be hope talking. DD might not be able to sift out the full meaning of what's going on, but she may well be aware that something is going on and it somehow involves her. But she shouldn't ask because the grown-ups don't seem to want to talk about it. As for your DS - he's 14 and even in your OP you said he's noticed. Things, including FAIRNESS, can be very black and white at that age. No grey areas, no nuances, just fair and not fair, and disappointment that adults prevaricate.

You cannot trust your DH to say anything, he has already said he will do it his way, and that is to shout you down and bury his head in the sand.

You are nervous around your husband. You say he is a bully. You say you are not a pushover yet you are cowed by your husband no matter what you say. Chances are your children are going to grow up either in a household where Father rules everyone yet is a dick when it comes to his child's well being or a broken home when you stop being controlled by him. I really feel for you and haven't said that to make you feel crap. This situation is far from ideal and you need to fix it PDQ.

your dh sounds a lot like his mother, controlling, subtle, bully

You cannot trust your DH to say anything, he has already said he will do it his way, and that is to shout you down and bury his head in the sand.

Yes, but people can change. Admittedly it's better if they identify a need for change and put it into action themselves, but observing others standing up to the bully and surviving can also be a kick in the right direction. He might actually gain confidence from op's strength and start to take the right approach himself. Alternatively he may not, but give him a chance.

your dh sounds a lot like his mother, controlling, subtle, bully

If that's true (which I'm not entirely sure it is), people do what they've learned from childhood. They CAN be retrained if it's not a true reflection of their nature. Op must surely behave her DH to be decent at heart or she wouldn't have married him.....op?

mineallmine I personally would not trust your dh to say anything to his mother, you know he won't. He said he would last time and he did not. That 'Ill do it in my own time' nonesense is neither here nor there. When 6 months, 1 year 2 years when! If your dd gets nothing from her grandmother, and your ds does get, stuff dh, you pick up that phone right away and ask where your dd present is? That you and ds have noticed that she does not get dd anything for birthday and Christmas, that its not on!

I suspect your DH has no intention of discussing it with his mother. It sounds like (with what you've said of him) that he is hoping if he puts you off enough times by being angry and starting up a confrontation with you, that you will back off eventually and let it lie.

Come Christmas if your ds gets presents from grandmother and dd does not you pick up that phone, do not, I repeat do not consult dh, and you ask her where dd present is. If she gives you rubbish about it being lost in the post, I would then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this unacceptable, you will no longer be accepting any gifts for ds if there is none for dd.

The OP needs to address this now, not when her MIL has taken yet another opportunity to discriminate against this child.

There is no need to clarify the situation still further. It is already as clear as crystal. Someone just needs to pluck up the courage to address it.

Good luck op