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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ripping with my mil about this

416 replies

mineallmine · 20/10/2014 15:45

Won't bore you all by making this a long story. My dd just had her 4th birthday. PIL sent a card for her birthday (they live in another country) but nothing in the card. Let me be clear, she doesn't need anything. Dd didn't notice or care but our 14 yr old ds noticed. They've always sent money in his card. Dd's cousin's birthday is 2 days before dd's and she got money in her card.

Dd is not short of anything. BUT. The same thing happened last year when it was dd's 3rd birthday and at Christmas, MIL said 'I ordered something on Amazon and it hasn't come yet' so gave dd a little plastic golf set from the pound shop. All other grandchildren ranging in age from 18 down to next youngest at 10 got either presents or card with money. The Amazon present never materialised. No explanation. Again I say, dd doesn't know or care and is short of nothing. Being the youngest of all my friend's children, she inherits loads of clothes and toys so she wants for nothing.

I'm just mad that dd is not being treated the same as the other grandchildren. If this was my own mother, I'd just say 'what's the story here?' but my relationship with MIL is more...cautious. DH says he'll talk to her but hasn't yet. None of them like to confront her but that's a whole other thread for a whole other day...

If it's relevant, and I really REALLY hope it's not, dd is the only one of the grandchildren who was adopted. If that's why, I'll never ever talk to her again.

So am I being ridiculous since dd doesn't know or care. Should I let it go? Or should I pin the bitch up against the wall and ask why my dd is being made different among the grandchildren??? I don't like my MIL particularly so I'm worried that that's clouding my thinking on the subject.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 19/12/2014 20:53

I don't often say this but what a bitch! She is sticking two fingers up at you but at least it won't be as blatantly obvious to your DD.

I take it your DH will be giving her a call just before each birthday your DD has to remind her to send a gift seeing as she is so 'forgetful'.

When two things arrive at the same time you could intercept them and even them out in future.

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/12/2014 20:55

There is a thread on here today about a 90 year old aunt who sent £10 to be split between 4 children. £4, £3, £2, and £1 depending on age.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 20:58

Jesus wept Sad

Ok, it was "nice" of her to actually bother with her granddaughter Hmm but the inequality is just bloody awful Sad

I think I'd be trying to keep both dc as far away from her as possible - she sounds like an utter bitch.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2014 22:15

Mineallmine, is it because if her age, you said ds at that age got £20 in his card. So it could well increase as she gets older, since teenage things are more expensive. Keep an eye on it. Certainly an improvement in the £1 golf set she got last year.

Original poster
mineallmine · 20/12/2014 14:04

Yes, Aeroflotgirl, I reckon that's it. I've calmed down today and can see that's most likely the reason. Until this year, ds always got €20 for Christmas and birthdays - absolutely plenty!- so maybe now he's that bit older, they've increased it. So I'll have to pull in my horns.

But I'm still not getting on that plane!

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 20/12/2014 14:10

Agree, it's probably a 2 fingers to you, but she can say she is treating her DGD the same as her DGS at that age...

BerylThePeril44 · 20/12/2014 14:20

Speaking as an adoptive mother...I suspect your gut instinct is correct! Ive encountered a bit of this, though in a different way. Your daughter has everything she needs from you and your partner...its their loss!

dancestomyowntune · 20/12/2014 16:33

Just read this thread. Any chance the €50 was meant for your dd to make up for "forgetting" in the past? A long shot I'll admit!

I know exactly how you feel though op. my dh told me at the weekend that his mother is going to give our four children money this Christmas. However dd1 is going to get more because she is older. (She's 11, then I have a 8yo, a 7yo and a 5yo). I've given up trying to explain to them that they should treat them equally (and to their cousins) but I've given up. I feel the money ploy is laziness anyway because she lives in the same bloody street as us and walks past our house DAILY to walk the cousins to school without even popping her head in and saying hi. And you can bet the cousins will have piles of presents from them. I despair sometimes!

Mind you, when dd1 was younger (and the only grandchild) they used to buy the same things we did so at least money won't be duplicating the special presents we buy.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 17:18

Now that have said up until now he has got £20, this year £50, and dd £25 since the talk, it now seems she is treating them unequally. why çoukd she not have given £25 to ds too, she is making a statement to you. Yes Beryl is probably right.

RandomMess · 21/12/2014 09:38

Urghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder if in their warped logic they want your DS to see that he is more special to them then DD and think it's unfair on DS that you see them equally as your children (as of course you would because they are!)

I do think as well it's a 2 fingers up at you and I wouldn't be getting on that plane either. I think your DS will slowly estrange himself from them and all they'll have left is DD!

Original poster
mineallmine · 21/12/2014 10:07

They'll never have DD though because I won't facilitate the relationship in the way I always did with ds. When ds was younger, I used to remind dh to phone his parents, send photos etc and dh always went to visit them with ds on their own once a year. That will NEVER happen with dd and gone now are my attempts at being a good DIL.

There's nothing more I can do but it's noted down and will be used in evidence against them. She's always been a weapon with sly digs etc but don't mess with my children.

OP posts:
SuedeEffectPochette · 21/12/2014 10:15

If it happened in my family I probably wouldn't confront it with MIL. However, I would have a chat with older DS and see what he thought about splitting his money with his sister. We always split anything when we were kids (two of us) and would still help each other out now. If I won the lottery it would be shared out with my family. I think my children would just regard it as unfair (lack of present) and agree to correct the unfairness by sharing, if it happened to them. That said, they are a lot closer in age. I guess it would not be easy to get a 14 year old to agree to give his 3 year old sister £10.....

SmellyFartado · 21/12/2014 10:18

Wow Mine. Only just reading this thread. Your MIL sounds toxic, divide and conquer there definitely. You absolutely did the right thing calling her on it. Totally agree that gifts should be equal and she's clearly still trying to exert her mind bollocks with the different money gifts.

Your son sounds wonderful, what a thoughtful boy he is. Thanks

Original poster
mineallmine · 22/12/2014 18:48

It seems my MIL is displeased! My children phoned her today to thank her for their presents. They spoke to her first, then FIL and then I spoke to FIL. He asked 'Do you want to speak to MIL?' and so I said 'no I'd rather tear out my own eyeballs' 'sure.' So he went off in search of her and said 'There she is, o no wait, that's someone else (there's just the two of them), I don't know where she is' so it seems my MIL doesn't want to speak to me.

O dearie me!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/12/2014 19:05

Flowers Grin

Ohfourfoxache · 22/12/2014 20:17

It's her loss Mine, not yours!

KatieKaye · 22/12/2014 20:24

Oh dear, what a pity, OP.

Not.

MIL has recognised that she made a very bad move when she repeatedly "forgot" her GD. And that you know exactly what she has done and remember each occasion. Because you are her mother. So now MIL sees you as a worthy adversary, so she's moved the game onto another level.

Because that is what it is: game playing. She's trying to show you that she can outfox you.

Don't engage in this. That will probably annoy her more than anything. Ultimately, she knows her game has been rumbled and that is pissing her off. It's probably for the best that she lives abroad and you don't have to see her too often. Because I've got this feeling that once DD isn't a cute wee kid but becomes a stroppy (ie normal) teen then MIL might just revert back.

KatieKaye · 22/12/2014 20:24

Oh dear, what a pity, OP.

Not.

MIL has recognised that she made a very bad move when she repeatedly "forgot" her GD. And that you know exactly what she has done and remember each occasion. Because you are her mother. So now MIL sees you as a worthy adversary, so she's moved the game onto another level.

Because that is what it is: game playing. She's trying to show you that she can outfox you.

Don't engage in this. That will probably annoy her more than anything. Ultimately, she knows her game has been rumbled and that is pissing her off. It's probably for the best that she lives abroad and you don't have to see her too often. Because I've got this feeling that once DD isn't a cute wee kid but becomes a stroppy (ie normal) teen then MIL might just revert back.

KatieKaye · 22/12/2014 20:25

Oh dear, what a pity, OP.

Not.

MIL has recognised that she made a very bad move when she repeatedly "forgot" her GD. And that you know exactly what she has done and remember each occasion. Because you are her mother. So now MIL sees you as a worthy adversary, so she's moved the game onto another level.

Because that is what it is: game playing. She's trying to show you that she can outfox you.

Don't engage in this. That will probably annoy her more than anything. Ultimately, she knows her game has been rumbled and that is pissing her off. It's probably for the best that she lives abroad and you don't have to see her too often. Because I've got this feeling that once DD isn't a cute wee kid but becomes a stroppy (ie normal) teen then MIL might just revert back.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2014 20:39

Oh dear why, because you dared challenge her on the inequality between the children, she is in a huff with you. Well she is behaving like a pertulent child.

financialwizard · 22/12/2014 20:46

I have a similar issue with my mil and my son because he is not blood.

If you help me pin my mil against the wall I'll help you with yours.

financialwizard · 22/12/2014 20:47

Bugger old thread, sorry.

Goldmandra · 22/12/2014 22:00

I get the feeling that she is going to have to win, quite possibly by looking for excuses to favour your DS repeatedly in the future. She may do so by giving him things behind your back. If she does, your DD won't know and won't be hurt by it and the only thing she will achieve is showing her true colours to your DS who sounds like he has plenty of moral integrity and will thing less of her for it.

Just make sure she doesn't get your DH to collude with her because that could drive a big wedge between you.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2014 22:02

No financial it's not, op mil issue still continuing. Op has updated recently.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 22/12/2014 22:53

Could you combine the cash and divide it equally between the 2 dc, with DS involvement?

Then you could smile sweetly to mil when you tell her what you decided to do, when you next meet her. She's admitted she's forgetful, so you could joke to the dc that funny, forgetful granny forgot to do her maths correctly....