Update at last.
I came home from work today and DH said he'd phoned his DM and said it about the presents. She said that they'd never given the grandchildren presents until they were 'old enough to appreciate them,' until 'about schoolgoing age.' She said they've never seen dd as anything other than equal to the other GC. DH left it at that, said what else could I do, I could hardly call her a liar. I just said you could have said that she either buys for both or neither and I left it at that because honestly, I feel sorry for him. It's shit to have a mother like her.
And then I seethed and seethed and seethed and rang her. Thankfully she wasn't home when I rang first because I was too angry and I probably would have cried in anger.
So I just rang her there a minute ago. DH is gone out to a meeting and I didn't tell him I was going to ring. I said 'I know you were talking to DH this morning and I understand you think dd is too young for presents. But you have to understand that my children are equal so I think it's best if you aren't buying for dd then leave ds off your list too. He won't mind one bit, they all get too much anyway.' ANd then she started spouting about not buying for the GC until they're older, always did it yada yada. And I said, actually no, you have never once not given ds a present for either birthday or xmas. And she said 'We were home when the other GC were younger and so we gave them presents and the kids were all older when we moved and then we sent money. Not true, said I. Ds was 3 when you left and you always sent money in his card. Then I said, well if your intention is to not buy until dd is older, why did you tell me last xmas when you gave all the other GC presents that you'd ordered something on Amazon that hadn't arrived? She said, o yes, that and one other item didn't arrive and i was refunded (but no explanation as to how that ties in with her not-buying-for-under 4s policy) Then she said how hurt she and FIL were that we thought it was because dd is adopted and how they've never seen her as any different to any of the others. And I said that she has to understand how we couldn't see why she would treat dd differently to ds etc etc. The she was talking about the age difference between my children and what about when ds is 21? Not sure what her point was there but I just said 'Then you stop buying for ds and keep going with dd until she's 21. Then it's fair, everyone is treated equally.'
I said how difficult the call was for dh to make, she said she's upset that we've been thinking about it for so long without saying. I said I'd wanted to earlier but it took dh a while to work up to it. I said I don't want bad feeling or an atmosphere, but that she has to understand that when I feel y children are not being treated equally, then it's my job to protect them. She said she thought dh and I are a little sensitive about dd being adopted, and I said 'You're probably right but ds is already sensitive about it and dd will be when she actually understands it so that's just the way it is.'
Somewhere in the conversation, I told her that ds had noticed and had wanted to share his birthday money. I told her thatI'd told him 'No, dd doesn't know or care and money is only paper' to which she said 'But that's my point exactly.' I said 'I think you understand that this isn't at all about money or presents, it's about being seen to treat the children the same and ds sees that dd is being treated differently.' I told her I'd fobbed ds off about it. However, today I asked ds if he'd be ok with not getting a present from PILs and he said 'I was only thinking about it yesterday, wondering what Granny and Grandad would do about (sister) for Christmas. I don't want something if she doesn't get something too.'
So the conversation with MIL was left with me saying 'As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of it. I'm reassured to hear you say it wasn't about dd being adopted and I hope you understand why I had to make this call. Say whatever you need to say so that the air is clear between us.' She was a bit sniffy and said 'Well we could talk all night' so I just said 'Look, we'll just leave it there, all the best.' Click.
DH is going to hit the roof but I can hold my head up and say I said nothing that wasn't true, nothing unkind, nothing in anger. He'll have to suck it up but I'm not looking forward to the fallout.