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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this email? (wedding related)

202 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 20/10/2014 08:34

6 weeks or so ago I was bridesmaid for a close friend.

I don't live nearby to friend so there were a few issues on the leadup to the wedding where I wasn't always able to be as available as the bride might have wanted (I also have a pretty demanding ft job, 2 dc etc, unlike the bride and other bridesmaids). There were also a few last minute hiccups with things being cancelled, offers to pay for stuff being withdrawn, because they hadn't budgeted properly and had significantly overspent.

Anyway, all that was by the by, the actual day went pretty well (barring the fact that because of the location by 10pm all but 15 of the guests had gone). I and other friends enjoyed it as did b & g's family members I spoke to.

Out of the blue yesterday I received a ranty email from the bride, basically saying how I and another bm were rude and disrespectful (and 'everyone' said how ignorant they thought our behaviour was) and how we had spoilt her day, which she referred to as 'ok'...

Her issue was that we were late for photos taken before we left the hotel for the venue. We hadn't been told there were going to be photos at hotel, just we needed to be ready for 12 30-12.45 for the wedding car. On the day we got a call at 12.15 saying photos now, but we weren't even dressed (as had spent previous 20 mins trying to sort out missing transport for other guests which bride had apparently arranged but didn't turn up. Plus we thought we had til 12.30 at least.

I feel really quite offended by both tone and content of her email. On the day it was me, my bf and the other bm who were the ones making sure she and the groom had drinks, Id put together little gift bags for all the kids at the wedding with sticker books and stuff, we got them playing games on the eve, and got people up dancing. Other bm did all the wedding favours. We both stayed til the end even though the other bms did less and left earlier, and we're the ones being moaned at for being late to photos we didn't even know were happening.

Haven't replied yet, am tempted to tell her exactly what I think but suspect it will kick off ww3....wwyd?

OP posts:

SandyJ2014 · 20/11/2014 17:56

wtf is wrong with your friend?! She should be basking in the utter gorgeousness of being a newlywed. So fortunate in so many ways. Instead she's sending bitter, ranty e-mails. wtf.

I like longtallsally's reply - it's clear and firm without being petty etc.

Once you've sent it, don't spend a minute more worrying about this. Not worth your time

SandyJ2014 · 20/11/2014 17:57

ooo god, sorry only read the first page of this thread so replied to early. will read the rest.

FluffyRedSocks · 20/11/2014 18:38

If your friends are trying to make this like it never happened I'm worried they will side with the bride if you don't go.. :/

Original poster

bridesmaidrevisited · 20/11/2014 20:27

Yes, that was my feeling too. As I said previously, they're not confrontational types, i think they just want to keep the peace.

OP posts:

DoJo · 20/11/2014 21:09

But there's no peace to keep - you are annoyed because your friend was rude to you, so if neither of them are prepared to deal with it then they can't be surprised if it hasn't been resolved. Why are the other friends so keen to take rude bride's side? If she knows you've had this fall-out and knows how you feel, then why should they all get to decide that you need to be the one who sucks up her crappy behaviour rather than suggesting to her that she apologise to you?

Original poster

bridesmaidrevisited · 22/11/2014 13:19

I think honestly the others don't want a fuss. Would rather sweep it all under the carpet etc.

The friends know, one of them (who also wants to keep peace etc) is the other BM who was sent the nasty email with me.

Having spoken to my DP about it, I can foresee 3 situations: that the bride apologises to me/other BM when I see her (unlikely, because I think if she wanted to apologise she'd have done so by now). Or that she pretends nothing has happened, and I have to sit there seething. Or else she mentions it (I haven't ruled out the possibility she is coming just to have a proper go, though I don't think she's confrontational enough for that) to start a row. Or I end up saying something, it all kicks off and everyone sides with her.

I think options 2 and 3 are most likely. Which is why I really don't want to be stuck with all of them in friend's tiny cottage, miles from anywhere (if I go, I'll be stuck there overnight, I can't just up and leave mid-evening). Hence why I am really thinking of not going at all. Even though the chances of it all being turned on me are pretty high.

OP posts:

greenfolder · 22/11/2014 14:05

i would go down with flu 24hrs before. Then never contact her again. life is too short to spend it mulling over/dreading an event. if you try to officially back out now, it will add fuel to the fire. Much easier just to claim illness

Aeroflotgirl · 22/11/2014 15:46

I would distance myself, don't go. If the other BM are happy to be treated so shoddily that's fine, but you don't have to. You never know, she might not go!

Castlemilk · 22/11/2014 16:00

Yup, time for the flu :)

They won't believe you, but that doesn't matter - you'll have made your point but they won't be able to slag you off about it. Such a shame you won't be there, you're utterly at death's door!

Then next time you see her - distant and polite. It'll then be up to her to bring it up if she wants to, which puts her into the looking unreasonable camp:

'What's wrong with you?'
'Nothing at all, thanks'
'Is it that email I sent, are you still upset with me about that?'
'Why, do you think I should have something to be upset about? (smile) I'm surprised you're bringing that up - I would have thought that your lack of reply and lack of apology for the first email meant that it wasn't of great importance to you?' (even bigger smile)
Her 'silence'!!!

fuzzpig · 22/11/2014 16:24

I'd probably want to go because she will only bitch about you if you don't and I would worry what she would say.

Also it's kind of delaying the inevitable, since you're bound to run into her at some point, having mutual friends.

DoJo · 23/11/2014 17:12

I'm not sure I would be able to let it lie - I might be inclined to send an email saying that you understand that they might not want to deal with the bride's rudeness, but that you don't feel as though you can spend an evening with someone who cares so little about your feelings that they haven't even acknowledged an email in which you made it quite clear that they had upset you. If they would rather play along with the bride and her pretence that she is the injured party, then that's fine, but you don't want to be a part of it.
If you really think that they would take the bride's side over you, are they really friends? She is so clearly in the wrong and you have made the effort to resolve the issue, so how can they justify trying to shut you up?

pepperfish · 23/11/2014 20:18

I had the exact same situation with my best friend of 10 years. Apparently I did nothing for her wedding (I live 3 hours away) and didn't care at all. She was living rent free without a job at the time while I was working full time and going through buying a house (which I was told after the wedding, I was very selfish for doing, and only wanted to talk about my house and not her wedding). Was expected to turn up to 2(!!) hen do's both at £300 a pop (my expense - I dutifully went to both). I took the week off work to help her with preparations (she rang me at the start of that week to say she didn't need my help), spent the day helping her with whatever she needed and then spent the entire following day with my husband cleaning up the venue on our own while her mum sat and chatted to her mates. I'm not really sure what else she wanted from me.

Our friendship hasn't really recovered 2 years on, if I'm honest. Some women just lose their minds when they get married!!

Momagain1 · 23/11/2014 22:19

You had your say in the ultra-polite email. You said you wished you had been ruder now, but at the time you wanted to be calm, cool, & collected. And it was the right way to react. At this point, seething and being mad all over again because you didn't get the result you wanted is your choice, though if you go that route than you are behaving no better than she was.

Your email evidently did cause her to stand down from her silly tantrum. That's a WIN. You have already won, by stopping her ranting that had to lead to breaking up the network of friends. An apology would be cream on top of the cake, but you already won. She should apologise, but if you cause a scene over it, that's you, causing a scene and wreaking havoc instead of her. If you don't think you can avoid that, then accept that you are done with all of them and stay home. If you do want the network to stay together, then go and carry on being the calm, cool and collected person you were when you wrote the email.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 24/11/2014 00:14

You are all being too nice! This friend is a twatbadger and I think you should reply saying "Yeah your wedding was fairly shit wasn't it. Doesn't matter I suppose as I only give the marriage six months".

Seriously she needs to put things into perspective, getting all her up because of some photographs being 15 mins late. She was getting married and if that didn't make her happy enough to overlook the photograph 'issue' then I feel she was having a wedding for the wrong reasons.

CrapBag · 27/11/2014 10:49

If you won't be able to get away then I wouldn't go eitherbut I think you need to make it clear why so everyone can see that you are not prepared to sweep it all under the carpet and that her behaviour is not on.

I think she will act like nothing has happened, so will everyone else and you will seethe u til something comes out and no one will side with you because you didn't keep the peace (and why the hell should go you,are they all doormats?)

I am going through an awkward time with friends as I feel some have treated me shoddily. I am the only one to see/think it though and they are carrying on as normal. I am avoiding them as I feel very uncomfortabe around them, trying to pretend I am not pissed off. The fact that they don't seem to give a shit though has proved that I am right. They are not the friends for me in that case.

addictedtobass · 27/11/2014 11:53

You've already won OP. Doubtful she will apologise, you don't have to play 'nicey-nice' with her though. Be polite and civil but distant. Chat to the others and if she asks if you have an issue just reply 'what could I possibly have an issue with?'

She's made it clear where she lies, I would do the same. I would make it clear to the others though that she isn't forgiven or forgotten and while you'll be polite you actually don't consider her a friend and so regardless of how she feels you aren't interested in more then civility.

addictedtobass · 27/11/2014 11:55

CrapBag I suspect your friends can see it, they're just thankful the shit isn't in their direction. Sadly, some people are weak like this, hence why 'queen bees' spring up act and shitty. Those kind of people aren't friends, they're not strong enough to be.

Boltonlass · 27/11/2014 13:17

I agree with Momagain1.
You have had your say too - very politely - and you could interpret her actions afterwards - Facebook interaction, saying she is looking forward to seeing you - as olive branches.

I would look back on your history with her - is this typical? - is she usually so selfish? If this is a one-off, then we all make mistakes and you could give her the benefit of the doubt.
If it is a long established pattern of behaviour, then maybe forgiveness is not an option.

Whatever you decide, she should not stop you seeing your other friends - you should go to the meal, head held high, knowing right is on your side!!

CrapBag · 28/11/2014 11:42

That's a good point addicted. I think there are a couple who just like to keep the peace and say nothing, hence me appearing to be the outsider as acting as if I am OK with it is not my style.

People who like to keep the peace at any cost drive me mad. Why the can't actually stand up for someone else I don't know.

OP is the other BM like this? I think addicted has a point, if you avoid all get togethers because of her, you risk alienating yourself from your friendship group as I assume they aren't going to stop inviting her. And the words pot and kettle spring to mind as that is exactly what I have been doing! So feel free to ignore me.

Delphinegreen · 28/11/2014 13:29

Drop her like a sack of shite, she sounds dreadful

Thumbwitch · 28/11/2014 13:41

Oh goodness, I wouldn't want to go either!
And tbh if they're going to bitch about you behind your back, then I'd drop the lot of 'em, because they're not worth keeping as friends. :(

What to do, what to do - I'd be tempted to leave it til the last minute and then be "ill", but that would be mean to the hostess who would have catered for you, but OTOH would be less confrontational (although they might guess you just didn't want to go); so I think I'd have to phone the hostess and explain that the seething resentment that you're still feeling would ruin the evening if you were both there, and you don't want that for your friend, so you're going to bow out - it's better all round. Very sorry and all that and you hope that you can still see each other another time, but you really can't face Newlywedzilla and pretend nothing has happened, because you're not that two-faced.

Mammanat222 · 28/11/2014 14:34

How has dinner in December become an overnight stay in a cottage? (sorry if I am missing something?)

I'd go for dinner but have an escape route planned?

Thereshegoes · 28/11/2014 16:38

I'd get face to face to talk it over, email conversations like this will go wrong.
Sounds a bit like she didn't get the day she wanted and is looking for someone to blame.

evelynj · 28/11/2014 20:59

Go but message her say you need to talk first as you can't just pretend this didn't happen

MintyChops · 03/12/2014 16:03

Would hate that sweeping it under the carpet stuff but have you decided what to do about this dinner OP?

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