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Original poster

about this email? (wedding related)

202 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 20/10/2014 08:34

6 weeks or so ago I was bridesmaid for a close friend.

I don't live nearby to friend so there were a few issues on the leadup to the wedding where I wasn't always able to be as available as the bride might have wanted (I also have a pretty demanding ft job, 2 dc etc, unlike the bride and other bridesmaids). There were also a few last minute hiccups with things being cancelled, offers to pay for stuff being withdrawn, because they hadn't budgeted properly and had significantly overspent.

Anyway, all that was by the by, the actual day went pretty well (barring the fact that because of the location by 10pm all but 15 of the guests had gone). I and other friends enjoyed it as did b & g's family members I spoke to.

Out of the blue yesterday I received a ranty email from the bride, basically saying how I and another bm were rude and disrespectful (and 'everyone' said how ignorant they thought our behaviour was) and how we had spoilt her day, which she referred to as 'ok'...

Her issue was that we were late for photos taken before we left the hotel for the venue. We hadn't been told there were going to be photos at hotel, just we needed to be ready for 12 30-12.45 for the wedding car. On the day we got a call at 12.15 saying photos now, but we weren't even dressed (as had spent previous 20 mins trying to sort out missing transport for other guests which bride had apparently arranged but didn't turn up. Plus we thought we had til 12.30 at least.

I feel really quite offended by both tone and content of her email. On the day it was me, my bf and the other bm who were the ones making sure she and the groom had drinks, Id put together little gift bags for all the kids at the wedding with sticker books and stuff, we got them playing games on the eve, and got people up dancing. Other bm did all the wedding favours. We both stayed til the end even though the other bms did less and left earlier, and we're the ones being moaned at for being late to photos we didn't even know were happening.

Haven't replied yet, am tempted to tell her exactly what I think but suspect it will kick off ww3....wwyd?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 20/10/2014 19:26

longtallsally that email is a work of genius.

LindyHemming · 20/10/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

borisgudanov · 20/10/2014 19:32

Bridezillas on glue need to be called out on their outrageous conduct. They are not exempt from the rules of etiquette. But now that she's torn them up I wouldn't be diplomatic in the slightest now. I'd be going with:

"The fact that your wedding had glitches
You dare blame on us? Well, the hitches
Were your fault, and calling
Us names is appalling.
Brides have no right to be bitches."

And then she can get herself to fuck.

Chippednailvarnish · 20/10/2014 19:33

I'd reply copying in every guest. But then my instant response would be "Fuck off"!

EATmum · 20/10/2014 19:38

Hurtful to receive such an email, but overall isn't it just so sad that she's this bitter about the day when she got married? High/false expectations have a lot to answer for.
I've been to many many many weddings (and I do love em) but not one where any of the minor mishaps that inevitably occur actually overshadowed the lovely thing that was happening.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 20/10/2014 19:42

I'd send a joint reply with the other BM and CC the others in just to stir the pot so they know what's going on.

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2014 19:48

She just sounds so miserable. She has just got married and this is all she has to do with her time! Does she actually like her husband coz it seems like she is a very unhappy person.
As you were chosen to be a bridesmaid I would have assumed her to be a really close friend but it doesn't sound like she even likes you very much.
I think a mix of acknowledging her feelings and being honest about yours is a good way to go.
If I was you this friendship would never be the same again without a bit of grovelling and acceptance from her that's she has behaved badly.

clam · 20/10/2014 19:53

I think I'd be most pissed off about the fact that she's clearly been slagging you off to all and sundry, as she reports that "everyone" thinks you were ignorant.

Mind you, as that's incorrect usage of the word ignorant, I'm not sure I'd be losing much sleep over the kind of people she's been canvassing.

As she's clearly OK with dishing out criticism, or plain speaking, then I would presume she won't mind receiving a bit back. Let her know in no uncertain terms what you think of her behaviour.

Then get yourself some new friends.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 20/10/2014 19:58

Shall we start a book on how long we think her marriage will last?

I reckon 14 months

dalekanium · 20/10/2014 20:47

Long tall Sally has it nailed

Actually Sally, I might have to hire you to word a reply to a diplomatic dilemma of my own.

Grin

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 20/10/2014 20:54

Sounds like she's expecting you to beg and grovel forgiveness OP. Is she normally that way?

AskYourselfWhy · 20/10/2014 21:07

Another vote for longtallsallys reply. I would alsogofor a joint reply. If you change it then I would keep it short and factual.

Did you get a BM thank you gift or a thankyou card for your present?

longtallsally2 · 20/10/2014 22:59

Crikey! Didn't mean to create such a discussion. Feel free to use any bits of my suggested email (which took 2 minutes to type in - no deep thought in it!) or not, as suits you.

I do agree that it's incredibly sad that she is raising this after 6 weeks. 6 weeks after my wedding I had much more exciting things to do! Suggests that she is either really stewing over this or that she isn't very happy generally.

Shame that weddings do this to people. I lost one of my oldest friends having to leave her wedding early - after all the speeches but before the evening do - cause our babysitter phoned me feeling sick. It was a huge, very fancy wedding and she was clearly v. offended that we could even consider leaving early

anonacfr · 20/10/2014 23:04

Send Sally's reply and add at the end 'hope you enjoyed your honeymoon'.

NanaNina · 20/10/2014 23:13

I too love LTS's e mail but I don't think e mails are helpful in these situations. It's a cop out as it's relatively easy to bash out an e mail and press send. My advice is to phone her and talk - you know that thing we used to do before e mails and texts............she'll probably be embarrassed as she won't be expecting it, and you can gauge how you want to play it in a conversation, far better than by e mail.

Hope you sort it out - 30 years is a long time for a friendship. I'm wondering if the new DH or someone else has been causing trouble and casting you and the other bm as the culprits - possible. I dunno it just seems odd after 6 weeks - phone her, be nice, say how shocked you were to get the e mail and ask her if she's ok - she might begin to cry or get upset and tell you what's "behind" the e mail. I'm assuming she's a nice person ........... if she wants to fight though, well it's up to you, but I don't think you should get into a position where you feel the need to defend yourself. This is her problem, not yours.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 20/10/2014 23:13

They didn't go on honeymoon...they had a weekend break in the UK, but neither have current passports so couldn't go abroad.

Maybe that's part of the problem?!

OP posts:
anonacfr · 20/10/2014 23:22

Ask her if you are off the hook for when they decide to renew their vows?

StateofConfusionIsConfused · 20/10/2014 23:22

6 weeks, she has let this bother her for six weeks, i think there are other issues here, none that have anything to do with you!

Chippednailvarnish · 20/10/2014 23:23

They sound a whole heap of fun, disorganised and ungrateful!

TheCraicDealer · 20/10/2014 23:23

Sounds like someone's on a bit of a downer after the big day and wants someone to blame for why they don't feel like they've just celebrated the happiest day of their life. I'd email her with the other BM, let her know you both think she's being an arsehole. But in a very passive aggressive manner and without saying anything outwardly derogatory, natch Grin

Mmmicecream · 20/10/2014 23:26

The lack of the honeymoon may have been part of the problem. I didn't go on one right away as ours was delayed a couple of months and it was very anti-climatic to just go off to work the week afterward. I loved my wedding and still felt a little glum about it, so for her it might have added to general feelings of dissatisfaction about the event.

I think the problem is how some people build up weddings so much, it takes on a level of importance which can actually detract from what you're doing it for - embarking upon a marriage! And then they wake up one day afterwards and it's a brutal realisation that A) they are no longer a princess B) no-one cares about your wedding as much as you do, especially once it's over, and C) you have committed to be with someone for the rest of your life or until you divorce .

Someone close to me had a long list of complaints about her wedding - I was criticised for wearing the wrong colour dress (light pink was apparently too close to white) among a number of other things, as were others. The marriage wasn't a happy one though, and didn't last. I think in her case the only REAL thing wrong with the wedding was that she was marrying the wrong person.

AddToBasket · 20/10/2014 23:33

Please, please be understanding - she's going to be on a massive downer after all that drama and dwelling on every little thing. Don't get drawn it but maybe reply saying you're sorry to hear she's upset. You loved the day, does she want to meet for a drink?

I wouldn't reply jointly as it'll be even more embarrassing for her when this blows over, which it will. It's just about timing for photographs. You saying you don't know if you want to be friends is an indicator of how much of a high-drama atmosphere is going on. Try to let things cool down.

Katiesfeltfancies · 20/10/2014 23:53

Agree with longtallsally

BackforGood · 21/10/2014 00:09

What an excellent reply drafted by LTS - I know it's been said, but just so much better than I would have done.
That said, I agree with NanaNina that I think it would be better resolved by talking to her, so I'd ring (or meet if it were more practical).

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 21/10/2014 08:06

Not sure I feel terribly understanding atm if I'm honest. I could understand her having a go on the day (still pretty bad but I could understand it) or maybe even a few days, a week later. But not 6 weeks later.

She doesn't do phone calls, and we don't live near each other so meeting wouldn't be that easy. I cant go to her house as they wont have visitors. Assuming of course she actually wanted to speak to me face to face which I think is unlikely, and certainly the way I feel at the moment I'm in no hurry to see her.

OP posts: