Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this email? (wedding related)

202 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 20/10/2014 08:34

6 weeks or so ago I was bridesmaid for a close friend.

I don't live nearby to friend so there were a few issues on the leadup to the wedding where I wasn't always able to be as available as the bride might have wanted (I also have a pretty demanding ft job, 2 dc etc, unlike the bride and other bridesmaids). There were also a few last minute hiccups with things being cancelled, offers to pay for stuff being withdrawn, because they hadn't budgeted properly and had significantly overspent.

Anyway, all that was by the by, the actual day went pretty well (barring the fact that because of the location by 10pm all but 15 of the guests had gone). I and other friends enjoyed it as did b & g's family members I spoke to.

Out of the blue yesterday I received a ranty email from the bride, basically saying how I and another bm were rude and disrespectful (and 'everyone' said how ignorant they thought our behaviour was) and how we had spoilt her day, which she referred to as 'ok'...

Her issue was that we were late for photos taken before we left the hotel for the venue. We hadn't been told there were going to be photos at hotel, just we needed to be ready for 12 30-12.45 for the wedding car. On the day we got a call at 12.15 saying photos now, but we weren't even dressed (as had spent previous 20 mins trying to sort out missing transport for other guests which bride had apparently arranged but didn't turn up. Plus we thought we had til 12.30 at least.

I feel really quite offended by both tone and content of her email. On the day it was me, my bf and the other bm who were the ones making sure she and the groom had drinks, Id put together little gift bags for all the kids at the wedding with sticker books and stuff, we got them playing games on the eve, and got people up dancing. Other bm did all the wedding favours. We both stayed til the end even though the other bms did less and left earlier, and we're the ones being moaned at for being late to photos we didn't even know were happening.

Haven't replied yet, am tempted to tell her exactly what I think but suspect it will kick off ww3....wwyd?

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 21/10/2014 08:09

Have you spoken to the other bridesmaid? Might help?

cozietoesie · 21/10/2014 08:13

I'm not sure I would want to speak to her again. There are times when one would hope that friends might show grace under fire but where events might just get the worse of them - the night before a big event such as a wedding for example.

But 6 weeks later? To me that smacks of an unhealthy self-obsession and I think I'd be re-evaluating her previous behaviour to me and re-assessing that friendship. You just don't treat people in that way if you truly value them.

cozietoesie · 21/10/2014 08:13

Sorry - x post.

eddielizzard · 21/10/2014 08:13

i wouldn't go in guns blazing. you have no idea what else is going on in her world. she's looking for an outlet. not fair on you of course, but a diplomatic reply is good.

Only1scoop · 21/10/2014 08:14

To be honest I would stop investing so much time and effort into thinking about it. If she doesn't speak on the phone or take visitors and you don't fancy either of those choices anyway.... then compile a short email and press send maybe.

She's a 40 odd year old woman don't indulge her any further.

amyhamster · 21/10/2014 08:15

Op you ve had numerous posters saying send LTS's email

Why don't you just send it & forget all about it

Otherwise you'll be stewing for even longer

Just get it over with and post her reply here Wink

amyhamster · 21/10/2014 08:16

Lol crossed posts with only1scoop saying exactly the same thing

Come on op !!

Bowlersarm · 21/10/2014 08:24

I would say something similar to Sally.

I would do it individually rather than in conjunction with the other bm.

I'd stew now, but move on in my life with or without her, depending on her response. If she wants to be petty sobeit; she knows where you are to make up at a later date, if it's not too late for you then.

Life feels too short for such an immature friend.

Tinkerball · 21/10/2014 08:28

Theres no excuse for a horrible email like that, I would be both very hurt and angry.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 21/10/2014 08:43

The other BM and I have decided to send a joint email, I'm just waiting for her to agree the wording then it will get sent today.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 21/10/2014 09:09

In my experience, people who throw money at a wedding like this aren't 100% happy with their spouse. I agree with pp, a joint email to put your side but honestly, there's more to this isn't there? You live far apart, they won't have visitors...what's her DH like? Do you get on with him?

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 21/10/2014 12:59

They won't / can't have visitors because house is in an awful state...

Her dh - being charitable I would say he is seriously introverted. No friends, few family (none close), could be described as a man of few words. And rather set in his ways. I don't think he was interested enough on the wedding events to have stirred it with my friend. But I don't think he's ever had any friends and therefore doesn't quite 'get' why she sees us regularly (or used to) etc.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 21/10/2014 13:18

Sounds like she's facing reality with an introvert, disappointment for how the wedding turned out (both from his apathy and her lack of organisation) and is taking out of her disappointing on you. Have you drafted the email yet?

Nerris · 21/10/2014 13:23

I'd tell her what you've told us. You have done nothing wrong and you should stand up for yourself.

ZombiePartridge · 21/10/2014 13:27

She sounds like she's dealing with a post-wedding come-down, op. Obviously that doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you but it may help to explain it.

I'd go with longtallsally's calm yet assertive response, as once she reads it she may actually realise that she is behaving very poorly.

Figster · 21/10/2014 13:27

She does sound rather odd

liking the idea of joint response from you and other BM.

Her dh also sounds "interesting"

Shame she's far away from you and doesn't do phone calls she doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh

SuperFlyHigh · 21/10/2014 13:38

I can tell from your initial response that you're not bothered about the friendship and to be perfectly honest unless I had a damned good reason why she was being so bloody awful I'd end the friendship.

what Figster said re living so far re too much of a friend, your friend not being much of one to you!

ZombiePartridge · 21/10/2014 13:44

Also, if her DH is an introvert then she'll probably be leaning more on her friends for support. Unfortunately such people don't actually SAY this: oh no.

Instead, they deal with their feelings of sadness at the poor performance of the primary emotional support (usually the DH/boyfriend) by inventing or focusing on perceived inadequacies in secondary emotional support (friends). The friends, if they are nice people, are usually perplexed by this and step up their efforts. The demander of attention then starts to expect a much higher level of friend support, thus ensuring that she can remain married/partnered without feeling too desperately lonely or actually having to admit that the marriage isn't working out. The friends eventually get fed up at the poor treatment and drift away, leaving her completely isolated and confused as to how her life became so empty.

Obviously this is the long-term view, but IME that's what happens. The best way to stop this unpleasant sequence is to push back NOW. Be polite, be kind, be loving, but do NOT accept her criticism as it is unjust and unfair. Stand firm.

momb · 21/10/2014 13:46

Popping up as a post-wedding blues sufferer to some degree myself to say that this is absolutely not the behaviour of a normal 40-something bride.
Distance yourself but please stay (nominally) friends. A preternaturally introverted new husband who doesn't understand why she has friends, moving further away, no-one can visit the house (in case friends judge incomplete renovations?) and now out of the blue an opportunity for two of you to cut ties with her suddenly. I suspect she's going to be very isolated and in need of old friends soon. Putting this email aside, this is a 30 year friendship....

CornChips · 21/10/2014 13:51

Hope it goes well, OP.

Brassrubbing · 21/10/2014 15:10

Gosh, I'm clearly in a minority, as I think that LongTallSally's reply could be construed as somewhat passive-aggressive with its excessively patient and reasonable tone and listing of everything the OP did on the day. I would be factual, but far more direct, and - if the OP is certain that she was never informed about the photo times and hasn't blotted out how she got blootered in the morning and threw up on the bride's train or shagged the groom or something - I wouldn't be pussyfooting around saying 'maybe you did tell me there were photos at 12.15' if that definitely wasn't the case.

Maybe the bride is hitting a slump, maybe she wanted a honeymoon, maybe she regrets marrying an extreme introvert and is worried by their wreck of a house - but does that in any way at all excuse an extraordinarily rude email to two women who, if the OP is to be believed, in fact did crucial organisational work on the day to minimise disruption caused by the bride and groom's poor planning and budgeting? Added to the implication that the bride spent the day bitching about them to other guests?

SaucyMare · 21/10/2014 16:03

brassrubbing so two of use dont like it, i wasn't happy to say passive agressive as not 100% sure i was right.

I thought self satisfied

ZombiePartridge · 21/10/2014 16:06

That's partly why it is a good response though! It's not directly aggressive but it sure as hell implies that she's not going to lie down and accept the bride's abuse.

If the bride is being a bully then she'll back off and become reasonable, as bullies usually do when anyone pushes back.

Thumbwitch · 21/10/2014 18:03

Am now slightly concerned, especially after reading what the new husband is like, that the email hasn't really come from your friend, more from him, if not directly, then by him dripping negativity into her ear for the last 6w.
Didn't think of it til I saw Cozy's post, and then Momb's too...

He may be trying to isolate her from her friends/old life.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 22/10/2014 08:14

I honestly don't think he'd try to isolate her. In terms of the wedding he seemed fairly oblivious to most of it. All decisions and organization (or lack of) he left to her.

They live about 2 hours from me by public transport. Not a hugely long distance, but too far to just pop round.

Anyway, email sent yesterday afternoon once other BM gave it the all clear. Now awaiting response...

OP posts: