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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about this email? (wedding related)

202 replies

bridesmaidrevisited · 20/10/2014 08:34

6 weeks or so ago I was bridesmaid for a close friend.

I don't live nearby to friend so there were a few issues on the leadup to the wedding where I wasn't always able to be as available as the bride might have wanted (I also have a pretty demanding ft job, 2 dc etc, unlike the bride and other bridesmaids). There were also a few last minute hiccups with things being cancelled, offers to pay for stuff being withdrawn, because they hadn't budgeted properly and had significantly overspent.

Anyway, all that was by the by, the actual day went pretty well (barring the fact that because of the location by 10pm all but 15 of the guests had gone). I and other friends enjoyed it as did b & g's family members I spoke to.

Out of the blue yesterday I received a ranty email from the bride, basically saying how I and another bm were rude and disrespectful (and 'everyone' said how ignorant they thought our behaviour was) and how we had spoilt her day, which she referred to as 'ok'...

Her issue was that we were late for photos taken before we left the hotel for the venue. We hadn't been told there were going to be photos at hotel, just we needed to be ready for 12 30-12.45 for the wedding car. On the day we got a call at 12.15 saying photos now, but we weren't even dressed (as had spent previous 20 mins trying to sort out missing transport for other guests which bride had apparently arranged but didn't turn up. Plus we thought we had til 12.30 at least.

I feel really quite offended by both tone and content of her email. On the day it was me, my bf and the other bm who were the ones making sure she and the groom had drinks, Id put together little gift bags for all the kids at the wedding with sticker books and stuff, we got them playing games on the eve, and got people up dancing. Other bm did all the wedding favours. We both stayed til the end even though the other bms did less and left earlier, and we're the ones being moaned at for being late to photos we didn't even know were happening.

Haven't replied yet, am tempted to tell her exactly what I think but suspect it will kick off ww3....wwyd?

OP posts:
cavkc · 23/10/2014 18:30

Just marking my place can't wait to see if she replies!

masynywlad · 23/10/2014 21:02

Has she replied yet?

Strokethefurrywall · 23/10/2014 21:11

Dammit - totally lurking on this thread the last couple of days to see if she's replied!

BauerTime · 23/10/2014 21:12

If someone focuses on the negatives of their wedding day then it doesn't say much for the marriage. Few things went tits up on our wedding day but when I look back on the day as a whole, and what it represents, I just can't bring myself to care. Some things that didn't go how we'd planned I never even realised until months later!

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 23/10/2014 21:33

.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 23/10/2014 21:35

I expect some of what went undone beforehand, and prompted last minute plan changes that you were resolving, has to do with things he didn't do, or didn't get around to paying for and so on.

Now she has lived with him a month and a half and discovered that being married has not made him magically a happier, better more pro-active man than he was before. Rather than introverted I would wonder perhaps if he is a chronic mild depressive. Introversion doesn't make you unable to deal with physical activity like taking care of your house. Depression might.

Mouthfulofquiz · 23/10/2014 22:45

No reply yet? I hope she is a bit ashamed.

TheRealThursdayNext · 24/10/2014 08:05

I do hope your 'friend' replies, but I worry about her state of mind/marriage if she's focussing on this, post-wedding blues it ain't.
We had a cake disaster (the decorator used 50% our brief and 50% her own imagination) but we laughed about it, took it, ate it, still laugh about it now 10+ years later.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 24/10/2014 08:17

Sorry, did try and post last night, not sure what went wrong!

No reply yet. Suspect I may not hear anything more. Or she'll contact me in a month or so like nothing's happened. Who knows?

I don't know how happy she is, agree this suggests all may not be well. They both wanted the marriage (and children, though at their ages that's unlikely) happy ending. He's never had a long term relationship before, she's had a couple but with awful men which predictably ended badly. I don't know whether there was an element of thinking they were each others last chance maybe?

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 24/10/2014 09:15

OP I think I'd leave it now for her to get in touch. And yes she was rude etc.

By the way if she DID speak to you about children etc then I don't think it's a good idea to rain on her parade about her not having them, they probably know this already and yes maybe there was a dash of last chance saloon about their marriage but they won't need you to rub that in.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 27/10/2014 08:19

Just to update: still no reply after almost a week. Am not going to give it any more headspace now, she's meant to be attending a bonfire/fireworks party with the other BM next weekend. If she doesn't turn up we think we probably won't hear from her again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2014 09:22

I would forget her, she doesn't sound like a very nice person.

OnlyLovers · 27/10/2014 09:25

Quite right, OP. You sound much nicer than her and life is too short to deal with such horrors. Thanks Brew Cake

SuperFlyHigh · 27/10/2014 09:59

Sorry to say but I don't think you're as close friends as you once were.

BUT I'd see if she comes to the bonfire/fireworks party and both of you try to talk to her. Of course she may feel cornered, deny alls not right etc, but at least you tried.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 27/10/2014 19:51

I won't be at the party, but if (big if) she turns up, other BM will try and speak to her. I don't think she'll turn up though.

Slightly wishing I'd sent a less polite email now! But this way at least I can say I tried to hold out the olive branch.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 27/10/2014 21:44

I think your polite reply means you can always know you didn't stoop to her level. It's pretty piss poor behaviour. Piss -channelling bottleofbeer--

ChasedByBees · 27/10/2014 21:44

Strike out fail!

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2014 10:37

I guess the other BM can always speak to the bride and find out how the land lies as it were.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 12/11/2014 20:15

So, an update: she didn't go to fireworks party, cried off at the eleventh hour.

Mutual friend has invited 4 of us (including other BM and the bride) for dinner in early Dec. I've said I'll go, but actually if she is going to be there on reflection I'd rather not. Because actually I'm still quite annoyed with her and I'm not sure I want to end up stuck in some engineered lets all be friends situation.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 12/11/2014 20:28

Given her lack of response and crying off the fireworks, I'd say she may not turn up for the meal if she thinks you and other BM will be there. I am guessing your email has made her feel ashamed and now she can't face up and just apologise for her shitty behaviour.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 12/11/2014 21:48

I would go as crapbag said she prob won't go and why should you miss out!

On another note I know this sounds petty but you don't want her to have the chance to "scoop" mutual friends in to her pile.

It happened to me I had a fallout with a very good friend and in the beginning so as not to make things hard for her (as I still loved her) I stayed away from a couple of things and when I did try to join up with mutual friends again I found that they had drifted to her and I got quietly "cut" out.

I know it sounds very school playground! But I promise none of it was on my side.

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 12/11/2014 22:16

I'm a bit reluctant just because I know the other 2, and my fellow BM to some extent, are a bit happy-clappy, lets pretend nothing's happened types.

I don't want her slating me behind my back if I don't go and she does though.

In the last couple of days she's 'liked' a couple of my statuses on fb and commented on a link I posted, almost as though nothing has happened. Hence my concern she might just pitch up next month.

OP posts:
DoJo · 12/11/2014 22:30

Well, I suppose it depends whether you are feeling generous enough to assume that any attempt at carrying on as normal is her way of acknowledging that she was in the wrong, or whether her lack of gratitude and hurtful attitude will need a proper apology to get over. It certainly sounds as though she wants everything to go back to 'normal', but only you can decide whether you want to let her get away with doing it this way or not!

Perhaps you could email/text her beforehand and say something along the lines of 'I know that we have both been invited to X's next month and to avoid ruining her night it might be best if we discuss our email exchange now. I was quite upset by your lack of response and am worried that it doesn't bode well for our continued friendship to have this hanging in the air between us. How do you feel?' She might apologise, she might not, she might not even respond, but at least you will know how much she values your relationship and be able to work out where to go without having to second guess her.

maddening · 12/11/2014 22:40

Just email to say " so what are you thoughts now following your letter?"

Original poster
bridesmaidrevisited · 20/11/2014 17:36

Further update, she's apparently confirmed to friend she is going, and text other BM to say she's looking forward to seeing us.

I don't want to go. I don't think acting like nothings happened is ok at all. If she'd sent a msg saying sorry for behaving like an entitled bridezilla, see you in Dec, that would be cool. But she hasn't and I suspect won't.

Other friend is now trying to guilt me into going because I've said I would and it's all arranged.

OP posts: