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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to warn these first time parents of their unrealistic plans?

178 replies

anothercrackatit · 19/10/2014 23:33

Some friends (not that close but long term) are expecting their first baby in their mid and late 30s. They're planning major house redevelopment, extension and conversion during her maternity leave because she'll be there, "not working and able to oversee". This strikes me as a really bad idea, builders everywhere, crashing and thumping, coming and going for months while she's trying to get used to her first newborn. I don't think they want to hear what I want to say. WWYD?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 21:43

And its ridiculous to insinuate that the first baby is somehow more special or more treasured than those that follow and are dragged up Hmm

bodgerthebadger · 20/10/2014 22:36

I am on mat leave and we are currently in the middle of building works to our house. Pretty stressful with a toddler and baby to look after but do-able and i have definitely needed to be around to PM. We should have done it when first child was a baby and i thought it would be too stressful and put it off. Now i have two and in hindsight would have been so much easier! Amazingly, baby naps even though the banging, drilling and incessant noise sometimes makes my teeth vibrate Wink As someone posted above, life goes on even with a baby and it may not be as bad as you think it will be for them!

Isseyesque · 20/10/2014 22:39

We moved when my daughter was a few months old into a complete wreck. I spent the rest of my maternity leave having house rewired, scaffolded, gutted, new bathrooms, pulling up carpets, the works. Baby couldn't move for the first 6 months at least, it really wasn't a problem.

Sunbeam18 · 20/10/2014 22:52

OP, you seem to be getting attacked very unfairly . I for one totally agree with you and was in a haze of baby for months after my son was born last year. I would have hated to have our space invaded by builders and disruption. It really gets on my nerves when people act like having their first baby is no big deal and make a point of saying they just carry on 'as normal' without missing a gym session or a shopping trip. Weird. And not sure how advisable it is to take part in a major sporting event several weeks after giving birth...

hoobypickypicky · 20/10/2014 23:43

"Hooby did you have help at home? Who was looking after the baby while you were at the gym? I don't think your experience is typical."

None whatsoever. 24/7 alone with my DC. The gym had a creche.

Original poster
anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 23:57

Hooby, thank you for your reply. I'm sorry if you had no support with your DC, that would have felt isolating to me. Does your gym offer crèche facilities from newborn? I've never heard of that before. Around here (Home Counties England) you're lucky if they take them at 16 weeks.

Giles, I think you're deliberately misunderstanding again? I wonder what line of work you're in? I said firstborns are unique, not special. Obviously one could have twins, triplets etc as a first birth experience but going on the vast majority of human experience a singleton is the norm.

Sunbeam hello! Nice to know there are others out there with a common experience. I don't really mind the hammering, it's par for the course and I really ought to stick it out, having started the thing. It does remind me that we tend to surround ourselves with likeminded people IRL and that narrows the feedback we receive. I'm sure it's all character building!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 21/10/2014 00:53

i wouldnt like it tbh.

Not because your life stops etc but in the same way that i dont want an electrician here on my day off.
If i dont go to work then i like to wear what i like and to sit or lie on sofa, to scratch myself, or to sing, whatever.
When i had ds i was watching tv, it was first time in 20 years plus that i didnt work.

Also i hate the dust and open doors.

Oh and i was eating every 5 minutes so if the builders were in the kitchen that would have been a problem!

But people are different and your friend probably doesnt mind the above. It doesnt mean that she is stupid and she hasnt thought about the cons.

MidniteScribbler · 21/10/2014 01:13

Milkmoon? Good grief.

DancingDinosaur · 21/10/2014 01:20

Oh I did it op. New room built, dust and dirt everywhere and my baby was a newborn. In fact, now I come to think of it, when dc1 was born we were having the kitchen and bathroom redone, when dc2 was born we had progressed to whole new rooms being built. It was ok, hard work, but babies are anyway. There were no regrets.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2014 01:25

anothercrackatit I think you are being totally reasonable to think that with a new baby around a major refurbishment of the home is not wise. If it were me I would tell my friends mu thoughts, couched in the words of 'my own opinion' and leave it at that. Maybe they will not be open to your wisdom born of experience, but maybe they will think about it.

No one knows how a birth will go, I had a c-section and was in hospital for nearly two weeks with an infection. I would not have been overseeing anything. And once home I could barely manage much else beyond feeding my baby and me!

Those first weeks can be a special time of bonding, why would you want to share your home with noise, dust and busy builders at that special moment? If they have waited until their mid to late 30s for this special event, why run the risk of over shadowing it with major refurbishments.

DancingDinosaur · 21/10/2014 01:36

I don't feel the birth of my dc was overshadowed by the building going on around me. So loved up was I, I barely noticed them. And on the plus side, when the builders went to make themselves a cuppa, they brought me one too. I quite liked having them round, they felt like family by the end of it all. I felt quite sad when they left Grin

merrymouse · 21/10/2014 06:16

It's not clear from the OP at what point they plan to start the building work - maternity leave does last for up to a year.

On the other hand, if they delay the building work, when would be a good time to do it? If they plan further children at a fairly standard pace, they have at least another 4 years ahead of babies/toddlers. It's likely that they are doing the work to make the house more suitable for a family and it's not as though building work is ever pleasant.

I can see where you are coming from OP, but I think it makes more sense to just bite the bullet and get it done while they have one portable baby than to leave it until some imaginary convenient time in the future.

Newcollection · 21/10/2014 09:20

I had twins and they were around 10 months old when the builders were here, missed my builders too when they left, they used to babysit for me whilst I popped out Grin!

In all honesty I liked having them about the place, we live in quite a rural location and I felt safe having them here. Really did miss them when they left (quite a relief too though in all honesty).

For what it's worth I don't think the point here is how many of us have either coped or not coped with having intrusive building work with babies but whether you should be saying anything to your friends. I definitely wouldn't as it does sound so patronising - I also hated that whole 'just wait until they are toddlers/teenagers' blah blah rubbish from friends with older children.

pharoahinthebath · 21/10/2014 09:27

We had an extension with a newborn (and eldest was 2). It was fine, there's never an easy time to do one and in some ways she's right, she will be there to oversee.

backinthebox · 21/10/2014 09:29

The biggest tip I have for ANYONE, parent or parent to be, is that everyone has a different approach to life, and what one person wants to do is not necessarily what another would do, and the easiest thing is to let them get on with it.

Original poster
anothercrackatit · 21/10/2014 09:56

Backinthebox, having lived through this thread I couldn't agree more, I shall be keeping all well meaning advice to myself in future! Do people honestly never have open conversations due to fear of causing offence? I don't think that's the case among my close friends and family but maybe I've just scared the more sensitive ones off!

OP posts:
Sulawesii · 21/10/2014 10:30

If someone asks or it comes up in conversation I think it's ok to give a mild 'well if it were me' type discussion, but to go in without being asked giving your opinion will rarely go down well.

I think just maybe the way you come across with the whole nesting, milk fest thing sounds rather smug and patronising. New parents' may not feel that way at all, you cannot presume.

Sunbeam18 · 21/10/2014 10:47

I don't think you sound smug or patronising at all Smile It's nice to make your baby your main/only focus for a while when it has just been born!

Original poster
anothercrackatit · 21/10/2014 11:28

Oh Sunbeam, you are living up to your name! Thank you for putting a smile on my face. Not thought awful by everyone Smile. I'm glad to have had that time and that experience and I don't see why I should apologise for it. I think I can see other people's perceptions more clearly having had this discussion which is always a good thing. Keep on spreading the love, Sunbeam.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 21/10/2014 19:16

I think the point is sharing opinions where they aren't needed.

It's nice to make your baby your main/only focus for a while when it has just been born!

You know, some of us just don't have that luxury. I moved countries and was back at work 2 1/2 months after DD was born, having orchestrated the move and overseen lots of renovation work to our house in my last trimester. It's called necessity. It was beyond irritating to be told it was 'too early' and 'too much' and ended up making me feel like a shit parent and just helped tear me up inside even more as a mother.

We did what we felt was best for our family. Perhaps the OP's friends feel the same. It's no one's right to comment on how they should be living their lives.

Groovee · 21/10/2014 19:25

I poo poo'ed anyone who told me I was wrong when I was pregnant with dd! I wouldn't have listened regardless. Making my own mistakes was the best thing for me.

Lucyccfc · 21/10/2014 19:30

What one person considers stressful or a crazy idea isn't for someone else.

One person would think having major renovations done whilst on maternity seriously crazy, but another person, who may be laid back or highly organised would have no issues with it.

Summerisle1 · 21/10/2014 19:39

I have a very good-hearted friend who abounds with useful and unsolicited advice. I realise where she's coming from and know that her intentions are honourable, but to be honest, it's bloody annoying to be assured what is best for your family and the more advice she offers, the less that is listened to. In fact, I've been known to do quite the opposite thing just to be contrary!

I did, in fact, live through major house renovations when I had 2 children under 2. It was challenging at times but a whole lot easier than waiting until both of them were mobile and determined to fall into the gaps where the floorboards used to be!

There are ways that you can discuss this with your friend, OP but you have to phrase your advice in a conversational, rather than an advisory tone. Because actually, who knows whether this is going to be such a bad idea anyway? The timing might seem wrong for you but then these aren't your building works.

Laquitar · 21/10/2014 22:24

OP start another thread and ask ' my mil wants to visit me for a couple of hours to see the new baby but i would prefer to be alone with my newborn. What shall i say?'

Then everybody will tell you that you should be alone to enjoy your baby, no human should enter your house at all and noone is allowed to visit until the 2nd birtday. Especially Mil. Grin. And Sil.

Littleen · 21/10/2014 22:44

Omg. We had builders working on the flat next door for a few months when I was pregnant and a little while after baby was born too. It was hellish. I think it's the worst idea ever. Ever ever.