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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to warn these first time parents of their unrealistic plans?

178 replies

anothercrackatit · 19/10/2014 23:33

Some friends (not that close but long term) are expecting their first baby in their mid and late 30s. They're planning major house redevelopment, extension and conversion during her maternity leave because she'll be there, "not working and able to oversee". This strikes me as a really bad idea, builders everywhere, crashing and thumping, coming and going for months while she's trying to get used to her first newborn. I don't think they want to hear what I want to say. WWYD?

OP posts:
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/10/2014 00:29

I don't understand this idea that no new mother can function well during her maternity leave. Some babies handle loud noise and coming and going really well, my DD does. We moved into what is essentially a building site the month before DD was born; it's only just been finished now she's 6 months. It hasn't caused a problem.

Leave them to it.

thewrongmans · 20/10/2014 01:25

We did it. It worked fine. I couldn't have done it when she was a toddler and I was back at work, much better when they are immobile babies and you are on ML.

butterfliesinmytummy · 20/10/2014 01:32

A friend of mine and first time mum just took her 7 week old to Nicaragua for a week. Was totally fine and I would rather do the traveling, renovations, crazy stuff with a newborn than a toddler, much easier.

nooka · 20/10/2014 01:43

I could probably have coped with ds, who was a fairly easy baby and I might well have welcomed the company. With dd I could only have coped if I could have given the builders dd! Some babies are easy (or perhaps fit their parents better - dd might have been a lot happier with an AP parent), likewise some pregnancies, births and maternity leaves.

I think in the OP's place I might say that they are being quite ambitious and do they have any contingency plans if it becomes a bit much (eg when we had our bathroom/kitchen redone we moved to my parents house for a few weeks).

angeltulips · 20/10/2014 01:48

Meh. We did a massive renovation when I was on Mat leave (37+2 through to 14 weeks old). Figured it was the only time we'd have an on site supervisor and that I wouldn't be getting much rest anyway! It was totally fine. Don't be that smug annoying more experienced parent - you just don't know what her experience will be like.

Whippet81 · 20/10/2014 01:59

I'm on maternity leave having had DS on Thursday (first time I have been able to day that!).

You come across as smug and patronising. I have absolutely had my fill of the 'oooh now the hard work starts' brigade - I had a c-section Thursday morning, I'm disabled and I feel great - as someone who usually has two jobs equalling about 60 hours a week - one of them outdoors that I haven't got to go to - horses I usually look after myself out on loan and lots of offers of help I am going to have a fabulously cushy winter - imagine not having to get up and scrape the car!

They may perfectly well know what they are getting in to and they may not have any other choice if they want the work done.

You're not concerned - rather than think about how you are going to see them fail think about ways you can offer support,

MidniteScribbler · 20/10/2014 02:20

Who died and made you the queen of parenting?

I did a complete reno of my house when on ML, looked after six dogs, and spent most weekends at a dog trial or show. And as a single parent.

Just because you found it hard, doesn't mean that everyone else does. If you consider yourself a friend, then you'd be supportive, not negative nancy.

Morloth · 20/10/2014 02:53

I am not seeing the problem.

Mmmicecream · 20/10/2014 02:57

See point 10 of this blog post 'what not to say to a pregnant woman'

modernmothercraft.blogspot.co.nz/2014/03/what-to-say-to-pregnant-woman.html

eurochick · 20/10/2014 02:59

They might well be fine. I'm on mat leave with my first now and would be able to deal with this. Everyone is different.

magpiegin · 20/10/2014 03:05

I agree with Whippet, I have just had my first and while pregnant I hated the whole .'you'll never get anything done, sleep, have fun etc' comments you get. So smug and unhelpful.

HicDraconis · 20/10/2014 05:14

Who's to say their plans are unrealistic? You, based on your experience of your own newborn experiences. If she has an experience anything like mine, she'll find handling a major house renovation project a breeze (if she's the sort to be able to handle it - if not then she wouldn't handle it with or without the newborn!). Having been through a project somewhat larger (overseeing a house build from scratch) and having had reasonably straightforward post natal periods, I'd have been able to combine the house build with either of my maternity leaves should the timing have been that way inclined - would have been much easier than overseeing it while working full time with children in nursery and school!

It may work out just fine for them. It may not, and then you can feel all smug in your "I knew it was a daft idea"ness.

WWID? I'd keep my trap shut, I'd offer ideas and advice based on the house build project (some of which were offered to me and were damn good ones) only if they asked and I'd offer any help that was wanted in the immediate newborn period if I could do it (cooking, cleaning, shopping etc). And be happy for my friends that they were going to have a new baby and a lovely new home.

FastWindow · 20/10/2014 05:24

Just had to scroll up and check this was in the aibu section. In case I offended in chat Smile

Ambitious? Yeah. Unrealistic? I don't know. If it were me then yes, because it would be my DH doing it, and as that's his profession, it wouldn't even be half finished by 2027.

But whereas I get what you're saying op, and it would do my head in, I think I'm in the minority, and the kids would just suck it up.

mummytime · 20/10/2014 06:13

She may be fine.
I have a friend who got a Kitten and a Puppy when she had a 6 month old and a 3 year old - she coped fine - I couldn't.
I flew long haul with DS aged 10 weeks, for a friends wedding and took him to a major sporting event. (And he wasn't an ideal baby, but quite sicky and fussy.)

The most I would say to your friends, is to not commit herself too much, and to have an escape plan if it gets too much. Or if you are a good friend, cook her some meals and offer a sanctuary if she needs it.

Iggi999 · 20/10/2014 06:30

I had new windows/door put in when on ML and it wasn't pleasant - mostly due to the vast amount of dust which I didn't want in my baby's lungs. And that took only a couple of days!
I think specific comments such and "you might find it really dusty, have you thought what you'll do if it is?" would be preferable to "what a mad scheme, it'll never work!"

HouseofEliot · 20/10/2014 06:36

We had our old kitchen knocked down and had a new extension. Apart from the dust it was fine. Not everyone is the same. I coped fine with having Dd1 and dealing with the builders.

blacktreaclecat · 20/10/2014 06:39

Easier with a newborn than a toddler surely

merrymouse · 20/10/2014 06:45

I would hate this for the reasons you describe. Having said that, once she ends maternity leave she will probably have a crawling baby and be trying to combine broken nights, her job, a timetable that has to be timed to the second and a house with no working sink, because the building still won't have finished.

I think the best time to have builders is when you are rich enough to be able not to work and you can live somewhere else indefinitely. Otherwise you might as well just go for it.

Iggly · 20/10/2014 06:46

We had our bathroom done when I was on mat leave with pfb and kitchen done when I had a 6 month and 2 year old.

It wasn't that bad. But it didn't go on for long (6 weeks max). As long as you're past the "boobs hanging out, bleeding and achy" newborn phase then it is bearable IMO.

HavanaSlife · 20/10/2014 06:50

I wouldnt have wanted to do it but my dsis and bil had their kitchen done when their first was a couple of months old, the whole house was replasted, decorated and had new floors in the first year and they were fine

CadmiumRed · 20/10/2014 06:51

What Worra said.

There is no way I would have wanted to do that, because I am not good with having building work done, full stop, but I did all sorts of things within weeks of having my pfb that I regularly see people on MN sucking air in through their teeth about, and laughing patronisingly in that 'if only they knew' sort of way. It becomes a bit of a miserablist self-fulfilling prophecy, sometimes.

Of course women dealing with ongoing health issues and PND, babies with reflux or whatever or who feel for whatever reason culture shocked or overwhelmed need sensitive support and no pressure to trek off to the Andes, but please let's not assume that childbirth is the end of all other possibilities!

PetulaGordino · 20/10/2014 06:59

Have you never watched Grand Designs?! Major building works seems to go hand in hand with new babies one there!

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 07:03

Why do people always assume that a baby means you can't do anything.

Babies are easy. Take then anywhere and everywhere. Sleep through anything. Easily settled with a dummy or breast or bottle. Or carried about in a sling.

Far harder when they hit toddler hood. Or your stuck in traffic on school runs and between swimming lessons homework and trying to chuck dinner together before the friends start calling.

tunnocksteacake · 20/10/2014 07:05

We did it. Sort of. Took advantage of the fact that I was on mat leave - the kids and I moved out twice, once my my PLs and once to my in laws. Which had it's own challenges...

vvviola · 20/10/2014 07:11

We did it - kind of, we were living in a tiny granny flat next to my parents and renovating a house. Got keys to the house the day before I went into (early) labour. Moved into the house when DD1 was 6 months old and completed the rest of it.

We also emigrated (packed up house in 1 country, moved to another country for 4 weeks, moved to 3rd country on literally the opposite side of the world, found new house/day care etc) when DD2 was 4 months old. And I'm not really a "bounce back minutes after birth" type person - and my children aren't angelic sleep through from 3 weeks old types either (as can be seen from another thread when I reckoned my last proper night's sleep was some time in 2011, before we emigrated)

It's doable. Not easy, or necessarily ideal, but certainly doable.

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