To want to warn these first time parents of their unrealistic plans?

[anothercrackatit]

Some friends (not that close but long term) are expecting their first baby in their mid and late 30s. They're planning major house redevelopment, extension and conversion during her maternity leave because she'll be there, "not working and able to oversee". This strikes me as a really bad idea, builders everywhere, crashing and thumping, coming and going for months while she's trying to get used to her first newborn. I don't think they want to hear what I want to say. WWYD?

what business is it of yours? when my dd was born i lived with my parents and they were having major work done there wasn't an issue.

they won't take kindly to your assumptions about their lives

we had building work with a baby and never again. Up at 7.45 when the builders arrived and too much noise for the child to have a sleep routine, unable to let the baby crawl on the floor, going out of the house for peace and quiet when all I wanted to do was sit on the sofa quietly and snooze

We completely rebuilt our house during my first pregnancy and mat leave - it was Grade 2 listed and took a lot of time and effort. I will admit that having a newborn baby in a house with no doors, only one electric socket, only one tap, drying lime plaster, no flooring in most rooms, and no glass in some of the windows was a bit of a challenge, but probably less so than doing it when she was a toddler. It can't have been that bad, as we extended and doubled the size of the house during my next mat leave.

Oh, I set up a business and entered a major sporting event 6 weeks after giving birth as well. I normally work away from home, and had never had so much time to do stuff! My dd loves hearing the stories of all we did when she was a baby - she wasn't neglected by all I was doing. She came with me everywhere, including travelling at 3 months to check my properties abroad.

Having a baby does not make you feeble.

You are coming across as incredibly smug OP and one of the worst 'experienced' parents' brigade.

Just make the stews and keep quiet.

My friend did a total renovation went into labour whilst smashing out a chimney breast....

They are one of those amazing just get on with it families....

Wish I could be more like that.

If they have to have the work done, far better to get it out of the way before the baby's mobile, surely? I presume they aren't able to take time off to 'oversee' the project at present, so they don't really have much choice, do they?
They might be lucky; there's no way of foreseeing what kind of baby they're having. My firstborn's sleeping pattern enabled me to be dressed and astonishingly organised by 8am, and he wasn't bothered by loud noise at all. They might be unlucky in that respect, of course, but they won't thank you for being a doom merchant.

Brecon having just repainted DS's room with a 2.5 year old trying to 'help' I agree - far better to do it with a non mobile baby!

Everyone is different (shock horror).

Looking back I loathed the new baby stage (although I loved my baby) and the phrases "milk moon", "nest" and "hazy, stunned, milky first few months" make me cringe.

But, I don't mind if that's what women want to do, more power to their elbow.

I'm not a bad mother because I didn't devote 27 hours a day gazing lovingly at my newborn. I'm not a superwoman because I used my ML to set up a new business.

We're all just women, doing what we do and what we think is best. No need to judge one against the other.

although if we didn't Mumsnet would be much, much quieter

Depends a lot on what they need doing.
We did 'Baby's First Christmas Without Any Heating' with a 3-month-old. That was fun.

Your phrases about nesting and gazing longingly blah blah are very cringe worthy OP.

We had a whole wall replaced and lived in one room together with new born twins and a toddler! The builders were there for 8 months come to think of it.... survived ... just!

Milk moon .... wtf???

Erm....milk moon ....what is that I missed that??

OP I think you need to ask yourself why this bothers you so much, it's really non of your business what they do.

Personally would have finished me off but accept others made of sterner stuff. Dd was a non sleeper for a while I could only get her to sleep around 4am we slept in until 9ish. We did major renovations when dd2 started school and that was tough enough. I can say hand on heart I couldn't have coped combining the new born and building work no way!

But when is the right time? It's going to be stressful and irritating anyway.
At least she will be at home to over see stuff. I think it's as good as any a time

It's much easier renovating a house with a newborn than with a toddler!

Both my toddler and newborn managed to sleep fine with builders in, even when a chimney breast was being knocked out below their bedrooms at nap time.
Main problem is keeping the 2yo's mitts off the powertools.

in no way did I have PND (thanks for that suggestion!)

I think you might be referring to my post, as I was the one who mentioned that the only person I knew who was in a haze for months was suffering from PND. I didn't say you were suffering from PND.

As an aside though, I find that comment quite strange. Saying someone suffered from PND, or might have, isn't an accusation. In the case I was referring to it was a statement of fact. It wasn't a criticism. Of her, or of you.

I think I'd say something like 'You're really brave!' (meaning it!) and leave it as that. And then offer a cuppa and a biscuit and a refuge and perhaps a shoulder to cry on (if needed) when the work was on!

yabu, I did a conversion with my first newborn. She learnt to sleep through a lot of noise and I had lots to do to keep my busy! It was better than the further extension we did when she was a toddler as she was always in the way! Best time, they'll be fine I'd stay out of it. They're not going to change their plans now anyway.

It's almost reassuring to hear other people who didn't want to sit and stare at their baby for the first three months!

I was at Rhyme Time at the library when the baby was 3 weeks old because I was that desperate to get out of the house and see someone who was actually aware that I existed as a person

I don't think it's wrong for any parent to share their experiences with parents-to-be - as long as they remember that they are their experiences. "I really struggled with the lack of sleep those first few months" is perfectly fine; "you're going to struggle with the lack of sleep" isn't.

Subtle differences, but very important.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here OP, but I do understand everyone is different.

Fwiw there is NO way I could have coped with that, however I DID have PND (not diagnosed till ds1 was 7 months old) and I was one of those mothers in a haze, trying to keep going even though I mostly wanted to lie down and die, finding the simplest of tasks felt like climbing Everest. Building work would have been unthinkable when I could hardly cope with daily normal tasks. It got much better once I got the right chemicals into me!

I sincerely hope your friend has an easy post natal experience but yes to stews, offer of refuge and being helpful where you can.

Thanks Toomuch, your kind words are very much appreciated. Also all you other lovely ladies who've raised your heads above the parapet and said it wouldn't be for you either. If nothing else this has reminded me that one should never make any kind of comment that could be perceived as criticism of other people's parenting! Good to have done that in a safe, impersonal forum.

I wouldn't have relished this arrangement much myself. But if I was having major building work done on my home, I think I would probably opt for the maternity leave months while someone is around and the baby is portable and immobile over trying to juggle building work, two full time jobs, childcare and a toddler.

Nothing gets up people's noses faster than other people offering unsolicited opinions about their child rearing / lifestyle choices etc.

In other words, mind your own business.

I would not have wanted major building work done when I had a newborn but as others have said if it has to be done then far easier to have it done while the baby is still immobile and not having to juggle work too.

Are your children still very young OP?