Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To want to warn these first time parents of their unrealistic plans?

178 replies

anothercrackatit · 19/10/2014 23:33

Some friends (not that close but long term) are expecting their first baby in their mid and late 30s. They're planning major house redevelopment, extension and conversion during her maternity leave because she'll be there, "not working and able to oversee". This strikes me as a really bad idea, builders everywhere, crashing and thumping, coming and going for months while she's trying to get used to her first newborn. I don't think they want to hear what I want to say. WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 17:07

My children are hulking great teenagers, Guitar! I was the first of my peers to start a family and I've watched a lot of friends find their parenting feet, this is what informs my smug, patronising and nosy manner

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 20/10/2014 17:08

Ah, ok, sorry, it just sounded as though you had very small children

ssd · 20/10/2014 17:10

op, did you mean milk room earlier? did you really have a spare room to breastfeed?

2cats2many · 20/10/2014 17:13

I moved house when on maternity leave with my first baby and had an extension built and the downstairs remodeled when on leave with my second.

Everyone's different.

MrsDeVere · 20/10/2014 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/10/2014 17:23

I think she said milkmoon, ssd - it isn't a term I have heard before, but I have heard of a babymoon - the dictionary defines this as, "A period of time following the birth of a baby during which the new parents can focus on establishing a bond with their child" - I suspect that a milkmoon is similar.

Only1scoop · 20/10/2014 17:24

Milkmoon oh just no

Give me grand designs any day

moaningminnie2 · 20/10/2014 17:28

We did it with baby no 4 -no big problem!

ssd · 20/10/2014 17:31

big uurrgghh! if she meant milkmoon, thats crazy and makes me feel like vomiting....... and I breastfed!

Only1scoop · 20/10/2014 17:34

I think I've just found my latest ugghhhh word....

I'd never heard that phrase before.

Delphiniumsblue · 20/10/2014 17:36

As the mother of 3 grown up children I would say they are very sensible and it is much the best time!

minipie · 20/10/2014 17:47

As others say it all depends on what sort of baby you get. I know a couple who managed major house renovations AND training a new puppy whilst on mat leave with their PFB. As it turned out, puppy trained quickly, PFB was an angelic sleeper and feeder and their parents helped a lot with the build.

With my PFB it was all I could manage to get her to feed enough and to get the bare minimum of sleep never mind achieve anything else.

I'd be inclined to say something like "Gosh I couldn't have managed that with mine - but hopefully you'll get a reasonably easy baby". Gives them the idea that they might need a contingency plan without saying they definitely won't manage it (because they might).

morethanpotatoprints · 20/10/2014 17:49

We had a shell of a house with each of ours when they were born.
Although the youngest it was mostly decorating and outside work, but still really messy.
If you are well organised you can manage it quite easily, even doing the work yourselves, not just overseeing trades people doing the work.

minipie · 20/10/2014 17:50

Oh, I just saw your view is NOT based on it being too difficult to manage newborn and building works. It's based on your view that you would want to spend those months nesting and cooing

In that case YABVU. It's up to them to decide what they'd rather spend their time doing. Not everyone is a cooing sort and for many the newborn days are boring as hell. Doesn't make them worse parents.

Topseyt · 20/10/2014 18:07

Every parent and every baby is different.

When my baby no. 3 was just a few weeks old we had major renovation works done (new kitchen, new bathroom, new flooring, redecoration throughout etc.). I also had a three year old at home. It wasn't too much of a problem. The builder warned me of days when there could be a lot of dust, and he was right. On those days I took them both out for several hours, and by the time we came back it was fine. Granted that it WAS no. 3, but I did also like the normality and company of having someone else around who could actually hold a conversation with me.

I don't know how I would have coped if we had done similar when I had my first, as our circumstances were totally different so it was never going to happen.

AgentDiNozzo · 20/10/2014 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vvviola · 20/10/2014 18:59

Arrogance, Agent? Really?

I genuinely don't see how it is arrogant to make plans for your life after the baby is born. And I'm of the "don't buy anything for a baby until they are here" school of superstition.

I quite simply could not put my life on hold for 9 months.

Yes, sometimes things don't go entirely as planned, but why on earth would that stop people making plans - which can always be changed if absolutely necessary.

Original poster

anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 19:01

My opinion is based on knowing it would have been too much for me and having seen a lot of friends with ambitious plans pre-dc1 come down with a bit of a difficult bump. Clearly I don't know any site-managing, breast-feeding, business-starting gym bunnies! I'd also noticed ads for a book, "Things I wish I'd been told" or similar on this site.

The milkmoon was a comment made to me fairly recently by a friend who was relishing settling in with her last child, having got the others off in the day. She was enjoying the one-on-one bonding time and reminiscing about the times she'd spent with her earlier babies.

Obviously we are all different. I won't say anything as I don't want to be seen to be the many things people have mentioned above!

OP posts:

Original poster

anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 19:38

sorry I overtyped. Agent you have made me chortle! If I'm honest and I'm in this far, why the hell not?!? I'm irritated at the "don't judge" lot getting really quite judgy. The mocking of the milkmoon made me sad for my friend but I know I shouldn't have put this on AIBU if I wasn't feeling resilient.

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 20/10/2014 19:58

mm, nesting instinct gone mad.
Though building work with a newborn is easier than building work with a crawler.
She needs to liaise with her builder to minimise disruption. Oh, and not take the loo out of commission during her third trimester!

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 20:13

If I'm honest I think there's a certain arrogance in this way of going about things

How? ??

It's not arrogant to make plans. Some people have better things to do than watch the world go by without them in it.

Some of you will have a nasty shock when subsequent children cone along and you realise you have to shove that screaming over tired bundle in a buggy and go take your other kids to basket ball practice.

Original poster

anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 21:29

Missy thank you for that, I'd not looked at it as nesting behaviour before now, that makes it easier for me to empathise. Their house is really quite large already and I'd thought it unnecessary to enlarge it for a baby but you're right, they're making preparations.

Giles I think you might be being deliberately obtuse? This isn't a second, third or even fourth child, it is something unique in itself, a firstborn and they will be new parents. They don't have to muck-in and compromise, they can do this one with their full attention.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 20/10/2014 21:35

if they get past the first two to three months first and then do it it could be ok. while baby is very little they are portable in a play pen/carseat etc and are happily entertained there. (usually) toddler stage...

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 21:37

It doesn't matter. Point is not everyone wants to sit around with a baby all day every day. ML can actually be quite lonely as all your friends are at work. It's very easy to go quite mad sat at home with no one to talk to besides a baby.

Some people really are suited to getting on with things. Depending on the job you just left being home with a baby is a doddle compared to long commutes or late finishes or early starts and full schedules. It can be very hard to switch off from.busy all the time to sat at home waiting for this baby everyone told you would be horrendous to do something other than sleep.

Schoolname · 20/10/2014 21:37

We did a massive renovation when DD1 was 3 and DD2 was 8 months. I have lots of photos of DD2 crawling around the house surrounded by wires and rubble. It wasn't fun but the builders were considerate and it was manageable.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8