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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to warn these first time parents of their unrealistic plans?

178 replies

anothercrackatit · 19/10/2014 23:33

Some friends (not that close but long term) are expecting their first baby in their mid and late 30s. They're planning major house redevelopment, extension and conversion during her maternity leave because she'll be there, "not working and able to oversee". This strikes me as a really bad idea, builders everywhere, crashing and thumping, coming and going for months while she's trying to get used to her first newborn. I don't think they want to hear what I want to say. WWYD?

OP posts:
elastamum · 20/10/2014 08:32

Everyone's experience is different. We moved house when DS1 was 3 weeks old into a house which we were renovating. It was the perfect time for us as I had 6 months off work. He slept in a baby sling all day under my jumper and was as happy as Larry. The builders thought he was the quietest baby they had ever seen as he hardly ever cried. Mind you he wasn't happy when I did try to put him down.

I would let them get on with it. Smile

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2014 08:38

I have no idea what a 'milk moon' is but your experience sounds extremely limited to just your own.

Everyone is individual and that doesn't make them 'super women'.

Vintagebeads · 20/10/2014 08:38

Thing is not everybody is in bits months and months after the birth of a baby.
I felt great after my second and she slept brilliantly.We also moved when she was six weeks old with a toddler in tow aswell as taking plently of flights on my own with the two of them.
Before I was a parent I found the whole ..you will never leave the house again brigade very annoying.So say nothing.
If its a disaster its their own disaster.

StetsonsAreCool · 20/10/2014 08:41

How about her DP? Women sent the only ones with the skills to look after a newborn.

Fwiw, I wouldn't want to be managing a renovation on ML, but it's not up to me what other people do with theirs.

We drove 500 miles to France for a week's holiday when DD was 8wo. Plenty of people told us it was unrealistic, but it was fine. Built in plenty of rest stops, but she slept for most of the drive. Sometimes, things need doing and you just get on with it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/10/2014 08:41

Anothercrackatit - the best thing you can do is be there for your friend after the baby arrives. Offer to have her over during the day if she needs/wants to get away from the noise and disruption, maybe cook her a lasagne or casserole she can heat up easily, or offer her the use of your washing machine if she is without one for any length of time.

Don't give her the Dire Warnings - if she laughs off your warnings, and then it really is awful, she might not feel she can come to you for help, for fear that you will say, 'I told you so'. Keep schtumm, apart from offers of help - like those I suggested above - and then if it all does turn out to be hell, she will know she has a friend who will help her out - you.

StetsonsAreCool · 20/10/2014 08:43

By 'her' I meant Hooby, sorry. Thread moved on while I was typing.

Mmmicecream · 20/10/2014 08:44

I went to the gym when each of mine were 4 weeks old - it was a special class that you could bring babies too so they lay on a mat in the middle of the room with the other babies, or slept in the pram nearby. It can be done.

treaclesoda · 20/10/2014 08:55

I don't think that those who find their first child easy are necessarily the exception to the rule. The only person I know who lived in the haze the OP describes was someone who was very very ill with severe PND. I think it's like most things in life - people tell you about their horrific experiences, or their very easy ones, and the people who muddle through finding it neither particularly easy nor hard just don't have a lot to say on the matter.

It's not that people are claiming to be superwomen Hmm , just that they found they were able to cope. I find that on mumsnet you are barely allowed to say anything positive at all about coping with being a mother to a new born. When I once reassured an anxious first time mum to be that a lot of people cope just fine, I was accused of being goady. Confused

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/10/2014 09:00

It's only when you have more children and the dreaded toddler years you realise how easy it is to have one small baby.

Sounds like it's a good plan. Babies don't move do it will be safe and the mum can be there to oversee the building.

Can't see any problem here really. Most things are easier when children can't walk/talk.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2014 09:10

Anothercrackit - despite the fact that most posters here have disagreed with you, you still seem to think your experiences are the norm.
Believe me, lots and lots of babies are easy (it's only since I've joined mn that I've found out some aren't)
I recall with dd1 everyone saying the first two weeks you'll just want to stay in; I didn't, after about 2 hours twiddling my thumbs on the first day, I popped her in my sling, went out, and then continued to do so for the next six months . I got on with life as if I was on holiday with her strapped to me.

DaisyFlowerChain · 20/10/2014 09:19

Sounds like a great time to do the work, we had work done when I was on maternity and it was fine. People told me I'd be out of action for months following the birth yet despite a section was shopping etc after a few weeks. Some people just cope better than others.

GobblersKnob · 20/10/2014 09:20

Haven't RTwholeFT sorry, but we were in the middle of a renovation through the end of my pg, birth of our first born, was fine.

Bits without a kitchen/bathroom was testing but okay.

The day I came out of hospital, I was in a paint shop looking at samples, ds cozied up in a sling.

PrettyLittleMitty · 20/10/2014 09:24

Don't say anything, you'll come accross as being a bit of a know it all and they won't thank you. I'm sure they have put lots of thought into this and this is the best solution for them, it might be fine.

Idontseeanysontarans · 20/10/2014 09:25

We were actually living with my parents when DS was born until our house was ready so with 4 adults and a tiny baby in the house there was no privacy!
Tbh I was desperate to get back to some kind of normality after 4 days in hospital with a jaundiced hard to feed baby so a 'milk moon' (I assume is the new name for the leaky boob stage?) didn't happen.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/10/2014 09:30

I think most people really value those hazy, stunned, milky first few months with their first don't they?

I got maybe a week of hazy, stunned milkiness. Then I had to write and hand in two 2,500 word essays two weeks after the birth. Not everyone is able to enjoy and value some 'hazy months' (and not everyone needs to! It's not a comment on how people cope, it depends on a number of factors on top of that, but not everyone is the same).

AmberLav · 20/10/2014 09:31

We got our garden done when DC2 was 3 months old - we discovered that as she's a second child, she actually slept better with banging and crashing going on outside!

I would recommend leaving things for the first month, but after that, you cope with everything as it arises...

Our shower broke when DC1 was 10 days old, it wouldn't switch off... So I had to have the water off all day, except for a few short refiling breaks. In fact, my first trip out on the car with DS was to B&Q to buy a new shower!

Original poster
anothercrackatit · 20/10/2014 09:40

I don't mean that the first stage is horrific and in no way did I have PND (thanks for that suggestion!), just that for a lot of people it's a time to nest, to stay at home, take things easy and enjoy falling in love with their baby. This would have been compromised for me by a lack of privacy. Clearly this is not the norm amongst many who've posted above and that's fine, always good to have another perspective. I shall keep schtumn and mind my own business. And try to stop projecting both my experiences and smugness! Thank you for all the helpfull suggestions, I'll try to be there for them if possible, stews at the ready.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 09:42

Milk moon? Wtf.

Life doesn't stop when you have a baby Confused surely the reality is people have to go shopping, take other kids to school etc.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 09:44

Privacy? With constant streams of visitors and midwives and health visitors and we'll meaning friends and family with food/flowers?

Is that the privacy your talking about? GrinGrin

Idontseeanysontarans · 20/10/2014 09:52

OP having stews at the ready would be an excellent idea along with letting your friend know that yours could be a place for a bit of peace and quiet if it does get a bit too much.
Now that is something worth telling them Smile

Aherdofmims · 20/10/2014 10:28

I would find this horrific with a newborn. She will just need to rest and sleep when baby does.

I disagree with the majority and think you could subtly suggest they wait til baby is at least 3 months.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 10:31

Trouble with waiting though is that if the project overruns time wise then it's left half finished til people are able to arrange time off work again if they dont want to leave then to it. so it creates more disturbance for longer.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 10:33

Or babies sleeping through and you can't enjoy lie ins be case your up early waiting for builders

lisucbgiberiocnha · 20/10/2014 10:37

potentially it could be a recipe for PND. some mothers would be fine though.

treadheavily · 20/10/2014 10:40

I suppose it depends how soon after the baby's arrival the works are scheduled. Day after, nope. Month later, for me, nope. Three months on, for me, yes. But if I had help and say somewhere else to hang out (family) during noisiest works, then earlier would have been ok too.

As it was we moved out for a month while the work was done, the planning etc was perfectly do-able with a baby.

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