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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to 'encourage' my dd to give up her hobby?

297 replies

georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 20:53

My dd(7) has been doing a hobby very heavily for two years, including doing competitions, with a large amount of success (not a stealth boast, just setting the scene). However, for a number of reasons this success is likely to not continue, and I suspect it's a large part of why she has enjoyed the hobby.
It's a very expensive hobby, which we had no idea of when we got into it, and means we can't afford family holidays, affecting me, dh and dd(3). It also involves a lot of afternoons hanging around for dd(3) waiting for dd(7) to do her thing, when dd(3) would rather be playing at home.

Some of her school classmates have recently taken up the competitive side of the hobby, and now the competitiveness appears to be spilling over at school in a not very nice way. My dh and I for various reasons hate the competitions and wish we'd never got involved, and my dd is certainly nowhere near as enthusiastic as she was, and never wants to practise.

However, she wants to keep doing the competitions. Would I be unreasonable to 'encourage' her to just do the non competitive side of the hobby, or even to swap hobbies? She is interested in trying out some other hobbies, but we have no idea whether they would suit her.

OP posts:
skylark2 · 13/10/2014 21:27

DD was an ice skater for a decade, competitive for half of that time. It was expensive (ice time, lessons, skates, blades, costumes), it was very time-consuming (I once drove a 600 mile round trip to Dumfries for the sake of six minutes on the ice) - and she wasn't very good at it (by which I mean she was competing at a national level but had no chance of winning or even placing). But she loved it.

Answering on the basis that your DD is doing something similar - I would absolutely tell her that doing the competitions but not practicing is not an option. It's a waste of everyone's time and money. If she doesn't actually like participating when she isn't getting attention and accolades, time to stop and go on to something she does like doing.

What happened with my DD was that she took something up which she is really, REALLY good at (she is now a GB international and national junior champion) and we told her she had to make a choice - there wasn't the time or money for both. She gave up the skating lessons on the understanding that she could go back and skate for fun sometimes. She never went back, not even once,having made the decision, and she's never regretted it.

And that's me thoroughly outed to anyone who knows me in RL :)

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:27

aargh, can't type a) really expensive and b) I hate it. Even if she still says she wants to do it? Despite not practising...

OP posts:
Idefix · 13/10/2014 21:29

YANBU! Sometimes we have to make the decisions because as grown ups we can see the bigger picture.

3boys3dogshelp · 13/10/2014 21:31

Hmm I think anything that takes up 6 days out of seven, prevents your other children having hobbies and prevents the whole family having holidays is not a good thing when your daughter is only 7.
I had a horse for most of my childhood and my younger brother (who was dragged to the stables most nights and competitions every weekend) still has a chip on his shoulder about me being the 'golden child'. I wasn't but as an adult looking back I know why he felt that way. Also, I loved it at the time but can't afford to keep a horse now and never really had any other hobbies as it was so time consuming, so I feel a bit lost. Thought it might help to have a different perspective, good luck with your decision.

PenguinBear · 13/10/2014 21:31

I think I know what the hobby is! Although how you manage to fit in practise 6 days a week is beyond me! Grin

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:32

skylark - thank you for that, and well done your dd - thank goodness you made the right decision. I wish I could see into the future!

And yes, I think it is about the attention and accolades. The problem is I'm not sure if she'll be any good at anything else! She is in a squad for an alternative hobby, as we made a conscious effort to try to lure her away. I think if she could prove to herself she could be good at that it might sway her. I think she prefers that hobby in principle, but she does like the medals!

OP posts:
skylark2 · 13/10/2014 21:34

I'd have to say, YWBU to stop her doing the competitive side purely because you hate it. Watching your kids compete is heartstoppingly ghastly - I know many parents who never, ever watched their kids skate their competition routines, they would leave the rink. Some of those parents still don't watch - and at least one of their kids has now skated in Junior Worlds.

But you've got to know you're doing the right thing for them to make that level of sacrifice for yourself and for other members of the family. I don't think massively expensive (money and time) competitions are the right thing for a 7 year old who doesn't actually like practicing.

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:34

PenguinBear - it often feels beyond me too!

3boys - thank you, that is good to know. This is a hobby that unless it turns into a career, would stop really when you are an adult, so what would she fill her time with then?

OP posts:
Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:36

skylark - I do rather feel I am putting in considerably more effort than she is! But yes, that's the question, am I BU just because I hate it, or do I have valid reasons...

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 13/10/2014 21:37

Georgie

We had the same problem with dancing, it cost a small fortune and dd had been in shows and taken exams and started at 2.5.
Then the music took over and we couldn't afford both, it sorted itself out though.
There soon became clashes and I explained I wasn't going to pay for missed classes and also she would miss the choreography for the shows.
We gave her the decision which to continue she was 8 at the time.
You say she doesn't like making decisions but if you word it like this isn't continuing, explain why and tell her as difficult as it is she has to decide.
My dd just gave notice and didn't go in to the new term, didn't say goodbye as she just couldn't face it, even though she knew she had made the right decision.
I explained to her friends mums who passed on our number and goodbyes.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 13/10/2014 21:42

I would arrange some lovely outings on the days of upcoming competitions. Like Legoland or something.

And say that next term she is allowed to pick one night/class/instrument or whatever. It is absolutely not on for you all to be going without holidays for a hobby she is not 100% committed to.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 13/10/2014 21:42

Plus it is fine to scale back for a while and if she stays keen pick it up again later.

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:43

morethan - thank you, that is helpful. Can't do that at the moment though just in case she chooses the 'wrong' hobby!!! Really, really want out of this one!!

OP posts:
sunnyrosegarden · 13/10/2014 21:44

Is it a hobby that it going to take hours and hours of training and practice? If so, it is probably going to be down to her in the end.

A friend's daughter is an elite gymnast. At 7 years she had to really decide whether it was what she really wanted, as it was 24 hours a week. Talent is one thing, but the dedication, hours etc is what it really takes.

If she doesn't want to practice, then I'd suggest she drops it and tries something else.

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:45

ItIsn't - yes, I think scaling back is the way - gradually reduce it until we reach a level everyone can live with.

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 13/10/2014 21:45

So some of the other 7-year-olds are so driven that they have already decided to make this hobby into a career? Really?

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:47

sunnyrose - exactly - she seems to want the privileges (other's sacrifices) of a dedicated person, without actually being dedicated...

I'm so glad most of you don't think it's unreasonable...I was driving myself in circles as I don't want to be selfish about it.

OP posts:
Sweetpea01 · 13/10/2014 21:48

I'm getting the impression that this is gymnastics? That starts out as a bit of fun but soon turns into this life consuming hobby that costs so much.

My ex DP was a gymnast when we were teenagers, it takes so much to be good and then, it can all be over in one bad fall. As was the case for him.

Don't feel bad about encouraging her to stop, whatever it is. Your DC deserve to have equal opportunities in hobbies and your DD2 will only resent it if she sees that everything is being sacrificed for DD1's hobby.

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:49

taxi - they have to be seen to be believed. Can't describe it...they are amazing children. Oozing confidence, belief, ability, maturity, ambition...
(Not my dd!)

OP posts:
Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 21:51

sweetpea - funnily enough we are having a few issues with dd(3) behaviour, and I do wonder whether some of it is attention seeking, which under the circumstances would be understandable.

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3luckystars · 13/10/2014 21:52

Ah this is like pulp fiction, what is in the case? The worst part is now I am getting suspicious that others on this thread know what the hobby is and now I am reading posts with squinty eyes.

You obviously rally have turned against this hobby so just have an honest chat with your daughter, tell her this is the year that you try other things and if she doesn't like anything else than she can go back to this next year.

I have tried to sway my son in the past, like writing Santa letters etc, trying to get him to write down something I want him to write down. I have only ended up stressing us both out, only for him to turn around and say he wanted the original thing and looking back I feel I ruined a lovely moment between us. He is who is is and if he does what I want, he won't be himself. Sorry for the long post. Good luck with your daughter.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/10/2014 21:57

Maybe you could just explain that with five days in the week, and a growing sibling, she needs to understand that the amount of time and money you can invest in this or any hobby is reducing. She can have three days a week (agreed days) of this or any hobby she fancies and her brother will then have the other two days of the week to go to a class or club (and Id be taking her along to sit and watch so she ubderstands what ot feels like).

I also would say that weekends are now Planned Hobby free.

I know a family with two dcs and they let their dcs do any hobby they fancy as long as there is no commitment needed at weekends - official trainig or classes. They spend a lot of weekends doig family stuff or trips away and this rule frees up so much time. It also means the hobby stays as a hobby and doesnt become a shaddow over everything else.

skylark2 · 13/10/2014 21:58

"So some of the other 7-year-olds are so driven that they have already decided to make this hobby into a career? Really?"

In skating, at least, that wouldn't be remotely unusual.

By 10-11, the serious ones' families are looking to move to be somewhere they can train pretty much full time, often abroad. One of her friends' families moved to Spain when their DS was about that age because that's where the coach he wanted was based. Difficult to tell how much of that was child-driven and how much parent-driven.

Not for a moment suggesting the OP should be considering doing that.

StillSquirrelling · 13/10/2014 21:58

It's really very annoying that you 'can't' tell us what the hobby is. I'm assuming that there are more than a handful of kids doing it in the country (hardly worthy of competitions otherwise) so it's hardly going to out you!

Without knowing what said hobby is, it's impossible to make some sort of judgement on whether you are BU, as you've asked us all to do.

Original poster
georgieporgie1 · 13/10/2014 22:00

LadyRabbit - sorry I missed your post before. I do know what you mean - that's the other side of the dilemma. I believe she will not have continued success due to limitations in her which are becoming more obvious, and also that she doesn't want to practise to possibly overcome them. Also I'm not sure how much she genuinely loves it, and how much she loves the success...
Yes, we are finding the money - out of holidays for the whole family. Is that the right call??

OP posts: