To want to tell the naysayers to go pound salt... (A little long, but I am hurt and need to unload)

[CallMeExhausted]

My DD is quite disabled, significantly physically and intellectually delayed and medically complex, but in light of the fact that she was referred to Hospice in February of 2012 and she is still with us now, she is a remarkable little girl.

Her 9th birthday in is less than 2 weeks, and she presented me with this paper this afternoon. Apparently, it is a list of what she might like for her birthday, in case anyone asks...

Prior to now, she has never put this many letters on a page, and I can't honestly remember her writing any letters consistently that were not one of the letters in her first name.

I shared a picture of it with close friends and family on FB (I know...) thinking that those who have seen her at death's door would like to see something that is such a huge development for her.

I received private messages from 3 separate "family" members all basically saying that I should not be excited about her writing as it is nonsense and illegible and any 3 year old should be able to do it gee, sound like they might have been discussing it? and perhaps I should stop pointing these things out as it just shows how incapable she is.

I am crushed.

This is a little girl who has overcome tremendous odds and is writing her own story, but she is obviously facing huge challenges that she will likely never overcome. She "should" not be able to speak at all, frankly, she "should" not even be with us any more. At a very dark time, I had to plan this angel's funeral.

I sent a group reply (as clearly they were all expressing the same sentiment) that as they had never taken an active interest in DD's life, they were more than welcome to take a passive disinterest, and if they wanted to be kept apprised of how she was doing, they might want to find other ways to do it... since I had no intention of making the effort with them any more.

Was I out of line (after 9 years of trying to engage them - they are "close" relations) to finally put my foot down, or should I have been less reactionary?

I tried to upload a couple of pictures, but it is not working - I will try as responses...

That's how my ds writes! He's 11.

I remember the first list for christmas he wrote on his own, it took him all day (for him to concentrate on something for that long is something else) and it only had two words on it. Lego Deathstar. So I can relate to how you are feeling about this.

Family and people in general are shits and its hard not to let it get to you, at least on here there are people who can get where you are coming from. Your DD sounds amazing, as do you.

That is lovely. Your family are beyond vile. If she were my DGD I'd be as proud as I could possibly be.

I hope she has a wonderful birthday.

CallMeExhausted, I am so sorry your family are so negligent and so horrible.

What is the point of them?

The list is GREAT and she obviously took a lot of care and determination to write it and knows what se was writing.

Is the first item Board game?

Not that it matters - it is a massive achievement and her comments about wanting gift for other children show that she has a generosity and spirit which burns much brighter than that of her other relatives.

You are rightly extremely proud of your dd, they should be ashamed of themselves.

There's obviously back story here if your Mum has only seen her twice, yet lives 5 minutes away - why do you have them on your facebook? They are obviously not a normal loving Mother and Sister so cut the nasty fuckers out of your life and enjoy your true friends and family.

Well done to your lovely dd

Belleate in rereading the post that I mentioned that, I realised that what I said was unclear...

My mother lives 2400 km away... but (although I didn't know it at the time) she was in a car outside my house and did not make the effort to say hello.

DD was born prematurely but came home reasonably fast but very tiny (4 pounds 9) ... sadly, she had a massive stroke at 23 days old - the beginning of her medical journey. When I called my mother from the hospital to let her know what was going on, her response was "well, I am glad I cancelled my trip to come when she was supposed to be born, it would have been a waste".

When DD was 15 months old, she had still not met her. My mother traveled to within 30 minutes of where we were living at the time but I didn't find out until 10 days after she arrived. I only found that out because I called her home and her now fourth ex husband answered and told me that she was local to me. We bundled DD up immediately and took her to finally meet her grandmother. Much to my surprise, I learned that my sister had known all along, but also chose not to inform me.

The only other time she has seen DD was when I found out that she was going to have a layover in my town and took the DCs to see their grandmother (for 20 minutes).

My maternal family is the epitome of dysfunctional. As a small child, I was referred to a psychologist for assessment by the school. The psychologist suggested that I would benefit from a course of therapy - my mother refused. I only learned this years later, after a suicide attempt ended up with me in hospital for 4 months. My mother flatly told the SW there that she did not want me in the house any more (in fact, while I was hospitalised, she moved from a 3 bedroom flat into a 2 bed - just my mother and sister - and put my belongings in storage). I finished off my teen years in a group home, then living independently, working ft and attending school ft.

I wasn't even a troublemaker... high marks at school, active in extracurriculars and Air Cadets - I was barely ever home can we say escaping? I was just a very quiet kid (and clearly fighting demons, as the suicide attempt showed).

My sister was the one involved in drink and drug, out all night and hooking up will all the wrong kids. However, in my mother's eyes... she was the golden child.

However... this is, without a doubt, the final straw. I spoke with my DH last night, and he is fully supportive of going NC.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I know how very fortunate we are to have our DCs, DD is remarkable, and DS could not be a better big brother (although, he is a 16 year old male, so he is far from perfect).

You are 100% right to celebrate her achievements!!! Your family are displaying their ignorance and the fact that they can’t handle her disabilities. I have a seven year old ds with autism and severe learning difficulties, this week he tried and ate some cottage pie in school (he doesn’t do soft messy food) this was a huge thing for us and we have been celebrating!!!!
Relish in every success and celebrate with abandon!!! I hope she has a wonderful birthday x

DifferentCountry - new foods are a feat to be celebrated!

DD is primarily gastrostomy fed, but does have some oral intake. When she is interested in trying something new, you can bet there is a happy dance going on somewhere.

Hooray for cottage pie!

What a FAB little girl.

You should be so proud OP, and I can see that you are.

I'm not going to commiserate with you on having the bad luck to have a shit source family...

...byut CONGRATULATE you on having a wonderful, inspirational daughter, and a lovely sounding partner... and also having the confidence and good sense to jettison these toxic wasters from your life.

Wishing you all the best in enjoying your REAL family!

Your family sound like they don't deserve the title family and you have the patience of a saint to only want to tell them to pound salt, I'd have told them to do some very impolite stuff by now. Your dd is amazing and a credit to you, very sorry they can't see that.

Only this morning had decided to take part in a local donation scheme to give xmass presents to deprived children locally (instead of doing SP) - am going to give an extra present now on behalf of your gorgeous dd (hope that doesn't sound too weird!)

Beautiful daughter Callme, bless her she is beautiful .

FourWalls that doesn't sound weird at all - I am honoured. Thank you.

Good in you Callme they are utterly vile and toxic and NC is tge only way. Tge only regret is you putting the effort in for them when they out none. Your dd really is a little star!

So sad to read this. Yr mum sounds like a nightmare. You are losing nothing by going nc and will be more at peace I'm sure. Your girl looks fab and her writing is a massive achievement. So glad I read this thread.

Your family sound awful. I agree with pp who said this is the least unreasonable thing I have ever read on mumsnet.

My sister is profoundly disabled, physically and intellectually, and my parents have celebrated every one of her achievements just as they have celebrated mine.

Carry on being an awesome mum

I'm always proud of my kids reaching their usual milestones. So for your daughter to be able to do something that you thought she never would...well I'm so proud of her too! And you should be proud of yourself too. As PP said, she wouldn't have got where she is without you.

I think your family are absolute bastards and you should tell them to fuck off. Sorry but I'm livid at them on your behalf.

Thank God your daughter takes after you and not your mother

She's a little star by the sound of it

I'd be bursting with pride , hope you get it framed

I am so so sorry that your mother, aunt and sister are such vile wastes of oxygen. It seems to me that you have been given this lovely little girl to make up for it - she is utterly charming, thoughtful and lovely. What a little blessing.

So glad you are going NC. I would be tempted, just as a parting shot, to send them a link to this thread but that's just me!!

She is gorgeous! Well done to her.

What a bunch of Bastarding bastards! Who the merry fuck do they think they are?

You should be rightly proud of your daughter.

OP, she's GORGEOUS!

And you sound a great Mum and a lovely person.

What a beautiful little girl, inside and out. That's thanks to you and your DP, you are doing a great job!

You've done this without 'family', you should be very proud of yourselves. Concentrate on you, what lovely parents you are, you have achieved a heck of a lot without them.

CallMe, I am open mouthed at your family's behaviour.

Your daughter is utterly gorgeous and has achieved so much. You must be so incredibly proud of her (just as she must be of you).

Your mother, aunt and sister are vile people who will never see the good in you or those around you.

You could have put up that you'd been offered an OBE and they would have messaged you to let you know it was nothing to be proud of.

NC is a great plan. I'm so glad you found yourself a real family after biology gave you such a rubbish start in life.

Miserable idiots. I'd defriend and if they don't bother to make the effort to contact about your child in the future I'd write them off totally.

When I called my mother from the hospital to let her know what was going on, her response was "well, I am glad I cancelled my trip to come when she was supposed to be born, it would have been a waste"

For that alone, that woman deserves pain.