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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

254 replies

strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 17:59

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

OP posts:
FuckOffFerret · 12/10/2014 11:34

No tragedy is "comparable" to any other tragedy But I don't think someone over in the relationships board who has lost a husband after 20 years to an affair after giving up her life and possible her career would see it as no big deal either. It leaves many people financially destitute and very seriously depressed, do you disagree?

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 12/10/2014 11:38

Tread I have said throughout the thread that I acknowledge people aren't being mean.

I know some of you have but it would be nice if I could just have a space to feel what I feel

OP posts:
MiddletonPink · 12/10/2014 11:39

They were thoughtless and insensitive to use the word lucky regarding this young girls presents.

I wouldn't have used that word. It's just common sense.

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 11:43

Ferrett, do you really think the pain experienced from a betrayal of a spouse is equal to the Op's sister's predicament?

FB and other social media is hardly as 'insignificant' as you make out so not engaging the brain before you type your message/comments without further thought for the impact of those comments, is no longer really an excuse. Circa 2008 possibly!

wooooosualsuspect · 12/10/2014 11:48

You can feel what you feel, but you can't control other people making perfectly acceptable comments on FB .

Lifesalemon · 12/10/2014 11:48

I do disagree ferret
the difference between the abandoned wife on the relationships board is that although devastating at the time you can recover and come back from that. As the divorced parent of a paralysed child I've experienced both and I find your view that it is comparable downright insulting.

insancerre · 12/10/2014 11:51

Absolutely woooo
I get that the op is grieving and angry at the world. I've been there too

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 11:51

My Mum was betrayed- long standing affair, other women prior to the long standing one, they divorced after 25 years of marriage- if you asked her now, still upset by my Dad's actions years later she would in no way prefer paralysis of the body from the neck downwards at the age of '18', caused in a tragic accident that saw her loose her parents at the same time- absolutely ridiculous to say they're on a par!

Woo, black/white thinking there!

originalusernamefail · 12/10/2014 11:53

Strawberry are you and your sister receiving any support for your losses ? I can't imagine what you are going through but "extra" anger and hurt is what neither of you need right now.

My MIL is severely disabled, she can text and work a laptop using he right hand, but cannot feed, toilet or move herself. She has been this way since a stroke when DS was 21.

When my son was born we sent her a bunch of flowers which she posted on FB her comments included;

  1. What a lucky Granny (she has never and will never be able to hold or hug her grandson - lucky?)
  1. What a thoughtful grandson ! ( 3 day old babies are thoughtful?)

MIL was disabled due to MS prior to the stroke so maybe the luxury of time meant she was able to recognise the comments for what they were. Which may be too soon for you. Her life is hard and limited but it is not over, however there needs to bea period of mourning for the loss of the life that you planned for which is almost worse than a bereavement.

If your sister is able to use FB could she reach out to groups of disabled young people in her area. MIL is very particular about keeping her nails and beauty regime maintained as this helps her to feel normal and in control of certain aspects of her life after she has had to give up so much control (eating, washing etc. to others).

Life is a proper shit sandwich some times. Bad things happen to good people for no reason at all, I can understand your anger, and if ranting on MN about FB is what you need, rant away Thanks

MyFairyKing · 12/10/2014 11:54

But she's not asking anyone to control their comments. Confused She asked if she's BU to think it's not a very tactful comment.

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 11:54

Woo, of course you can't stop other people writing whatever message they like- the point is they should stop themselves as they are totally 'unacceptable' remarks, given the circumstances.

originalusernamefail · 12/10/2014 11:56

DH was 21 not DS

ILovePud · 12/10/2014 11:57

OP you and your Dsis have my sincere sympathy, what you've endured, what you've lost and what you're still living with is horrendous. I understand now that you just wanted to vent in a safe space and you've every right to do that. I hope I didn't upset you with my earlier posts, I guess I was just thinking that if you were dwelling on how insensitive these friends had been rather than choosing to see them as misguided but well intended then you may have been heaping extra pain on yourself. Also I think I'd been confused over one of your earlier posts about Dsis having every right to use Facebook and assumed she had chosen to post these pictures herself and may have been able to enjoy people's responses to her nice new stuff, it sounds like this may not be the case though and I think if the FB commenters understood this then those comments do seem insensitive.

Dayshiftdoris · 12/10/2014 11:57

I have a child with autism; he's fairly high functioning and verbal.

I have been told a million times how 'lucky' and 'blessed' I am that he is not worse. I smile and nod.

But it's me who has supported him and staff through 7 years of early years and school, it's me that has stopping him banging his head getting black eyes, heard him say he wants to die at 7yrs old, overheard staff call him a nasty little shit post diagnosis and then watch him get to point, despite everything where he needs anxiety meds.

And because he's clever, verbal, in mainstream (for now) and has me and school he gets no support.

I smile and nod but it tears me apart. I usually go home and cry. I am crying now. People are thoughtless twats at times even when they aren't meaning to be. Sometimes it's about their own discomfort with the disability and about them wanting to reassure themselves.

You gets the turmoil and fight she has without her being able to communicate. It's ok if you are a bit 'off the mark' that shared understanding of 'this is really hard' goes a long way. Hugs OP and feel free to rant x

wooooosualsuspect · 12/10/2014 11:58

I've been there too. I had to accept that the world still carries on. That people are just living their lives and doing everyday things and writing normal things on FB.

If I couldn't handle it, I would have deactivated my account.

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 12:00

Insancerre, you 'get' it do you- talk about inappropriately trivialising the OP's grievance.

Unfortunately Op I think there are some people in this world that are so self absorbed that they will never think beyond themselves and are the type to always come back at you with a tale of their comparable woes - even though it is neither the time nor the place.

MiddletonPink · 12/10/2014 12:02

' perfectly acceptable comments ' woo??

They aren't though.

They are said by someone who isn't thinking beyond the end of their nose.

Thick comes to mind.

socially · 12/10/2014 12:05

Agreed woooo

I have a family member with PMLD. Doesn't mean his life is unremitting misery though.

He can still be "lucky" and "spoiled" on his birthday.

If I was so sensitive to the innocent comments of others I wouldn't be on Facebook. Protect yourself because others are perfectly entitled to say those things.

insancerre · 12/10/2014 12:06

Yes the world does carry on. I actually found it very reassuringbonce I had stopped feeling so angry at the world for daring to carry on as normal. Didn't they know that the world would never be the same again?
How dare they still smile and laugh and say and do normal things? The world had turned upside down.why was everything just carrying on?
Then after a while the normality was comforting. Life goes on, its just different now

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 12:07

The Op has a right to be 'angry' at these remarks from these thoughtless individuals - nothing to do with the rest of the world, by saying that, you're implying that it is the Op's problem when in fact these type of people need to think before they act!

MiddletonPink · 12/10/2014 12:12

Insancerre that's a different thing all together. The world does carry on, people do still laugh and enjoy their life.

But this was a comment to a young girl who won't ever walk again, who can't talk, who can't do much at all for herself.

Goldenbear · 12/10/2014 12:12

What the heck is your definition of 'sensitivity' socially?

moaningminnie2 · 12/10/2014 12:26

strawberrycupcake I think you should hide this thread now.You are understandable very distressed about your sister's condition , but instead of grieving, you are spoilig for a fight.
You are projecting massively onto your sister.How do you know that she doesn't want to be spoken to like a normal teen ?
I think you should get some therapy.I don't think your current frame of mind is particularly helpful to your sister.

MyFairyKing · 12/10/2014 12:35

minnie I think you need to consider what you are saying. You are coming across so badly.

MiddletonPink · 12/10/2014 12:37

That's quite funny moaning.

You think tge OP is after a fight.