To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

[strawberrycupcakedream]

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

I understand how you feel. At first I thought "Well that's how facebook operates"

Thinking about it a bit more , I can kind of relate it to my Grandma's situation. On her birthday , numerous relatives put up great sounding posts like "such a wonderful person" "Love her to bits" etc. etc. etc.

Grandma doesn't have facebook. These people have no idea how isolated and lonely she feels. From one week to the next, no one makes an effort to actually visit or phone her.

If even ONE of these fake facebook friends had taken the time to actually visit your sister on her birthday it would have meant the world to all the family.

Unfortunately in this day and age, TIME is he one thing that people are not prepared to give to other people. Especially to people who are hurting in some way.

So true angels

the other way of seeing it is that people shouldn't respond differently on facebook just because she is disabled.

^I think that ground has been covered.

Bless you, you just wanted to voice your hurt and sadness and your anger at the injustice of it all. There's nothing unreasonable about that at all.

OP, I understand what you mean.

It is thoughtless and insensitive and I can see how it would be upsetting to you.

Obviously the circumstances around her disability are particularly terrible, but I think there is a distinction anyway between a life long disability and an acquired disability, particularly when it was acquired recently, and it's not hard to try to be sensitive to this.

People saying she is "lucky", in my mind, aren't being sensitive OR thoughtful. She (and you) has had terrible, awful bad luck and whilst I understand people saying the comments weren't referring to her disability/loss and people are trying to treat her as though this hasn't happened, but it has - I'd imagine these issues are the largest in her life at the moment, and shouldn't be ignored.

Sometimes, when people trying to treat other people equally, by ignoring the "elephant in the room", it feels as though they are minimising the elephant and this can be very very upsetting. Sometimes you WANT people to say "yes it's shit and you've been unlucky, how awful for you" and acknowledge your suffering.

These are just my thoughts, I hope I don't offend. I'm sorry for your loss.

OP I see why this upset you. The comments were quite thoughtless.

It is just what people say.

My half sister really moaned and complained when I was given a type writer as a gift and really begrudged me it. She grew up with her parents. I did not. Yet she was thoughtless and jealous because that is what she felt. People think in the moment and the immediate situation. They don't think much beyond. My sister could have thought, how lovely that fab has been given a great present for the first time ever when she has had such a shit childhood. Your DSis's friends could be thinking how lovely for people to spoil and pamper DSISName on her special day. Not spoilt as a put down in a jealous moment.

No I don't think YABU.

I'd be upset - as it takes literally seconds to think of phrasing the sentiment a little better and more appropriately given the circumstances.

I think I'd also feel stuck that I couldn't say that to these people is case it would push them away even more.

I do think your sister is very lucky to have you.

It was very hard when everyone round us thought we should be over DH car accident while were were still very much dealing with the consequences and emotional impact on DC and us - and the consequences for him were no where near as bad as your sister and you have gone though - so I can only image how hard it is for you to watch people moving on let alone have them make such unthinking comments.

I'm not saying people are being mean - just thoughtless.

Life sucks sometimes. You sound a lovely sister

Strawberry, please excuse me if I am asking something really obvious. I am wondering if your sister been assessed for using a high tech communication aid. Most people with reasonably intact cognition and even a little movement in a finger or limb can use these to communicate more easily than spelling/ eye pointing. Again please excuse me if I am asking a silly question or touching a raw nerve.

Hi captain
I mentioned the possibility of some communication device earlier upthread as my daughter uses an ipad to communicate and its fab. OP replied that she had something that was quite long winded. I didn't ask any more questions as I only have knowledge of the referal process for a child so probably wouldn't have been much help to OP. Maybe you can help with that though as there are some amazing devices available.

OP

I experience similar. I have 3 adopted children...and adopted is here a shorthand for "had a horrible start to life, experienced multiple traumas that have left permanent physical and emotional scars, and will affect their lives forever, and were ripped away from everything they ever knew multiple times"....do people really get that? No, not a lot.

So 'lucky' comments drive me absolutely bonkers sometimes. Some days I'm more able to let it go, other days when they're really struggling I see red. My kids have not been lucky in life, they are not bloody 'lucky' to be adopted (by me) and so on and so forth. People say 'they are lucky to have you' and they mean well, but if my DC were really 'lucky', they actually wouldn't have me.

So I get that

I so appreciate those people who take the time to understand this and say lovely things like (very recently) "Out of all the adoptive parents in the world, she couldn't have been found a better one than you" rather than blithely saying "she is so lucky to have been adopted by you". Uh, no.

Because by doing that, they are actually putting in the time to think and be thoughtful, and thus show how much they do care. Just randomly saying something without thinking is what people do, but people who take the time to think, do a lot better! If your sisters FB 'friends' would care enough to put the time into their replies, you wouldn't be hurting in this way

Just half a minute more, to put some thought into their posts rather than just bash something out in 2 seconds without thinking...makes the world of difference sometimes

OP - you have said that You know that YABU. But, I would feel exactly the same as you, given the circumstances (even if IWBU). The enormity of what your sister (and you) has been through and are still dealing with gives you every reason to want to rant and just sound out. Rant and sound away - I know I would want to.

I think they were just treating her as they would anybody else - seeing the person, not the disability - Isn't that the right thing to do?
What does your sister think?

I'm sorry if it upsets you OP. But you need to take a step back.

I'm disabled. I use a wheelchair at all times and I always have. There are many things I can't do as well as plenty I can. If I posted pictures of presents and stuff and got those responses I'd be pleased. If my sister reacted like you have I'd be livid with her.

I don't want the focus to be on my disability at all times. I want the focus to be on me - the girl in the wheelchair not the fact there is a wheelchair. Saying I was lucky to get nice presents is a normal thing to say. I'd even go as far as to say you're the one being insensitive by reacting as you are and may be making it harder for her - I often find the way others react to perceived ill treatment of me makes it harder to deal with. But it is understandable that you would feel this way you've both been through a terrible experience.

I hope she had a brilliant birthday and you enjoyed celebrating with her.

((((hugs for OP)))

I do think you need to think that these friends are reacting as they do to any other friend on fb. I've just had a look at my fb feed. Three people had birthdays today and all three have posted something about their presents/what they've done. All three have had replies which include lucky/spoilt/I'm jealous. All of them have liked those replies. Two of them, I've very aware have got things in the past that are traumatic.

My dd2 (10yo) was born without a hand. That happens to be a random event that happens for no known reason to very few children a year. Does that make her unlucky? I suppose it does. Is it hard for her? Yes it can be. We've had people come up and weep tears over her because they think she's so unfortunate. We also have people who come up and say things like "Wow! You've met Cerrie Burnell (CBeeBie presenter with the same disability) You're so lucky!"
Now I can tell you that she comes away from the latter with her head held high and a big beam on her face. She unfolds her little arm and displays it to the world. The weeping ones she shrinks and you can see her struggling with self doubt and hatred of her position, and her arm is pulled into her clothing.
She's only met Cerrie because of the bad luck that caused her arm. But she beams with pride when told she's lucky to meet her.

Strawberry. I'm sorry for your losses

I do understand where you are coming from, but I do think you are bu (which you know!). Im replying to OP btw not whole thread.

Thing is, can she never be called lucky again? Terrible things have happened to her, but you can be lucky for many different things.

My daughter died, but I'm still lucky that I've had 2 beautiful children since, despite the terrible 'bad luck' (that feels like the wrong thing to say) I had in losing her.

If I won the lottery tm, that would be lucky. You know what I mean?

Just try not to take it personally. People haven't forgotten what has happened to your DSis (or you), but for them, life does get back to normal and they then interact as such. It's no wonder this has upset you. DSis turning 18 should have been a very different experience and no doubt it hurts that others don't acknowledge that.

I hope you are ok.

I totally get where you're coming from and why you're hurt and angry, OP. What's happened to your sister (and to you) is completely unfair, there's no question about that, obviously.

That being said, I am slightly uncomfortable with all the posts on this thread which seem to say that there is basically nothing about the life of any disabled person that is desirable or enviable. I also think that it's really up to individuals to make their own assessments about how "lucky" (or otherwise) they are. I have had people sympathetically tell me how "unlucky" I am in the past (in a well meaning way) and frankly I found it outrageously insulting to me and incredibly minimising to people who have had TRULY bad luck (gulag/ forced labour/ sex trafficking/ forced marriage etc etc).

No, of course you aren't BU.
You're hurt, angry, upset and grieving.

I'm so sorry for what happened, it's utterly tragic and unfair and wrong.
I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. The problem is people don't like it when truly bad, life-changing things happen. It shakes them, makes them uncomfortable and they can only handle it for so long before they need it to go away.

You have a finite length of time for people to be sympathetic and supportive and for them to make allowances for you, then they lose patience. You have to 'put it behind you' or 'move on' or 'accept it' or any of the other shit platitudes they spout or you will be deemed as too angry or wallowing or unhealthy blah blah blah.

As for not wanting to patronise your DSis by mentioning the accident, surely it's more patronising to pretend it never bloody happened!

You haven't ranted at the people who made their thoughtless albeit probably unintentionally hurtful comments. You've used somewhere neutral and anonymous to voice your completely understandable feelings about it.

Fwiw I think you've expressed yourself perfectly well and I can see exactly where you're coming from. Milestones are always hard, for people to not acknowledge that at all must feel very hurtful and dismissive.

I feel torn. Torn between giving the OP an enormous hug (apologies if that offends), and wanted to chuck a brick through the computer screen at a few of the comments.

OP YANBU. Are you being "oversensitive" - well, maybe a tiny bit yes, but mostly a great big no. As you acknowledge, the fb posters probably didn't intend any offence. Some of them may not even have registered whose fb feed this was on, and just posted what they would post for any friend. Some will have seen who it was, but posted without thinking. And some...I suspect some may even have agonised over whether to post what they would always post, so as not to treat your dsis differently, or whether to put something different. And none of us can know who are which. I think you did really well, in your (completely bloody understandable) distress at the "lucky" comments to come on here, and vent your feelings anonymously. It would have been so, so easy for you to put something on fb, which might have "scared" people off posting anything in the future. But you didn't. You came here to let off steam. Sounds very very reasonable of you to me.

But why don't people think and remember, before they speak? Well...a bit of it is probably just the nature of the internet (do you know the one about thinking once before you speak, twice before you act, and three times before you post online? - I remain convinced that most of us don't think at all before posting on fb...). But part of it...someone above mentioned there being a timelimit after which those not directly involved seem to expect people to be "over it". I don't think that's entirely how people think...more that what is so naturally and devastatingly in front of you every day moves slowly and steadily towards the back of other people's minds, and it takes more and more to make them think about it. Which feels incredibly bitterly frustratingly wrong. And yet...we all do it to some extent. And is probably partly a survival mechanism - for people to be putting the mundane business of their own life way ahead of the recent traumas of their non-immediate-family was probably essential for the human race to survive.

But, yes, the term "lucky". It almost feels deliberately chosen as the worst possible word they could pick, if they held a hold bloody research project to find one! It isn't deliberate. You know it isn't. But you can't just switch off your normal emotional reaction.

I'm not surprised you're angry. In your position I would be fucking angry. I would be angry against fate, or god, or timing, or someone who caused the accident. God help me, I might even feel angry at my parents for not being there, or even my sister for not being able to support me. And then I would feel ridiculously guilty, then angry again... I have no idea where you are up to in your grief, but I do wonder if you have ever had the chance yourself to fully grieve, or if you had so much that you had to do, and be, as big sister, that you did that "locking it away" thing - that so many people have no choice but to do, but can make life feel even harder still, at the worst time possible. And yes, I'd probably be pretty angry at these people on fb. I'm just not sure that they'd be entirely the real target. (Or you may feel I'm talking bollocks - in which case I apologise for getting it wrong).

I don't think your sister is lucky for getting nice presents. I don't think either of you are lucky, to lose your parents. And, whatever may become possible to help your sister to express herself, of course she's not bloody lucky to have been crippled in this way. But from your postings I very strongly believe that she is lucky in just one, but very important, way: to have you as her sister. I have read your postings with tears in my eyes at the way in which your love for your sister, and your desire to help and protect her, shines through in every word. And I so hope for you both that one day she is able to communicate enough to express what I'm sure is in her heart - that you are amazing, and she loves you to bits.

Gin, I may be an optimistic fool but I haven't seen any posts on this thread which seem to say that there is basically nothing about the life of any disabled person that is desirable or enviable!

I do agree with Strawberry that "What fab gifts, have a wonderful day, enjoy spending your vouchers," are more happiness-sharing comments than "You're so lucky!" I know it's just people saying what they'd like to hear, without malice, and so does she. It's just thoughtless. And we all like a bit of thought, especially on our birthday.

This isn't really anything to do with Facebook and the trite stuff people post. It's about grief.
My DS turned 18 on Friday. I posted some pictures because I am proud of him and it's a family event. Most of the replies were kindly meant and I ppreciate them but they were all immensely patronising and highlighted how the world sees him as so different. Putting 'bless him' about an 18 year old man made me want to cry.

But the issue is not theirs, it's mine.
They posted their good wishes with no intent to hurt or upset and if I start being upset then I just make the world tip toe around him even more. I'll just isolate him and myself even further.

I would prefer that people post honestly as they would to any other 18 year old but they can't. So I chose not to be upset because they, like we, are just doing their best.
Our lives are different and that's not their fault. There are enough shit heads out there without getting upset at people who are not trying to be unkind.

Birthdays are hard - hard not to see the man he could have been.I've cried a lot this week. So for that alone yanbu to be upset .

Pag I hope your ds had a good birthday. for you! sorry you're upset.

Not sure where that ! came from sorry