To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

[strawberrycupcakedream]

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

They don't mean it though do they? These people are her friends and they are saying it in a jokey way - like you do when someone has something nice. I did it on here last week - someone had been given a KitchenAid and I posted 'I'm happy for you but I hate you as well. ' I think they are treating her like any other 18 year old. In a gentle way YABU.

I think that the 'lucky' comments are just a regular response to birthday gifts. What do you think would have been a reasonable response? TBH 'wow lucky you to get so many gifts and have so many people who care about you' would have been the kind of comment I would have left.

Well for what it's worth My dd is 17 and she got a new pair of coveted trainers recently, she put a pic on Instagram and the comments were like 'omg welllll jeluz!' 'Bloomin jealous!' 'Love them you lucky sod!' 'Fab trainers I'm so jel!'

These are all the highest of compliments to her. However, has your sister been hurt by these comments? If she's upset that's so not ok. Maybe she could consider removing these people from her friends list if their comments are upsetting??

Sorry, saying she's lucky and been spoilt is just the kind of thing I would say in that situation.

Perhaps her birthday brings it home to you how tragic her life has been. To her family and friends perhaps they see her 'good fortune' in having a nice birthday and loving support. Because her life is shit in so many ways shouldn't make it so people can't say nice things.

No problem strawberry.

I think just about anyone can see why this would hurt/grate. I think most people here understand that, but are just offering a different perspective on the positive side of such comments (I.e. The friends she her as an eighteen year old with lovely presents ahead of anything else). I can't begin to imagine how you feel, her 18th birthday maybe has some added poignancy because of the freedoms of adulthood she won't get to experience. So vent away here, I don't think anyone would think badly!

Sorry, cross-posted with lots there. It is upsetting for you, I'm not diminishing that, but I think people are just reacting as they would to anyone else.

Sweetheart - I think you are taking the comments the wrong way. They are just saying 'lovely presents', really they are. It's not about feeling your Dsis is lucky or spoilt in all ways or are jealous of her... just with regard to her presents... try not to let it upset you.

I am really sorry to hear about your sister - has she been ill or had an accident or is it something she's had from birth? What support are you getting?

I know, I have acknowledged that - several times, including in my OP.

But while you know full well no one intends to cause harm or upset in any way, of course these words do as they are said as people have said as if it's a compliment - any other teenager. It's as if the fact she's been through hell (and she really has) counts for nothing, it's as if she's always been this way.

Two years ago no one would have called her lucky even if she had the entire contents of Primark hers forevermore but now - she's just paralysed.

So difficult to say this, to express it. They're not being hurtful or nasty but somehow reading a casual "lucky you" hurts so much.

Weird thing - sorry, when I opened the thread your OP was the only thing on it?! I'll go and read the rest of it now.

I'm not sure what you want really. For people not to respond to her like they would to others? For them to say "I'm so jealous of your presents, but not of your disability". That would make them a twat.

You are overthinking it. The sadness you feel for your sister's situation is clouding your interpretation of other people treating her as they would anyone else.

If your sister is upset by their comments then that's different and something could be said for next time - even though they were trying to be kind and treat her like any other 18 yr old. What kind of responses do you think would be more appropriate?

Hope your sister enjoyed her birthday, it must be very difficult.

Latte honestly I know. I'm trying to (badly) explain that while the comments aren't meant hurtfully, nonetheless,they are.

Dsis was until two years ago a perfectly normal teenage girl about to do her GCSEs. She had a nasty accident that caused all this and it has left her alive but certainly robbed the future she should have had.

She's been incredibly brave and adapted well. But she spent months in hospital, when she came out year 11 had ended and her friends are sweet and caring but their lives moved on. And I understand it's hard as dsis can't talk, really, so having a conversation is hard to say the least. She doesn't see many of her friends. We so get support from the council and some of the carers have become dsis' new 'mates' but I suppose no matter how you dress it up, she's paralysed. She used to do ballet and play the clarinet, and now she can't even say my name.

So - no, lucky she is not.

Lucky to have nice presents ... Maybe, but it hardly begins to compensate.

Well, OP, would it be more palatable if people adapted standard responses - words - to your DSis's context? ie 'it must be hard for you but this must cheer you up' etc? I think it's a good thing that your sister gets ordinary responses and that people aren't differentiating as she has health problems.

Really, these are just words people say when commenting on a haul of gifts. Cliches. Does your DSis have an issue with it? If not, stop worrying.

I do know where you are coming from, exactly. I will PM you as I don't want to 'out' myself further on here x

1. Is your sister actually upset or is it just you?

1. They are treating her as they would treat anyone else. I hope that your sister's life is filled with many happy and positive events, and I hope on each and every occasion people respond warmly and positively to that happy event.

Do you really want her to go through life with people saying:

1. Wow, you got married! But such a shame you are disabled.

1. Wow, you got a degree! But such a shame you are disabled.

1. Wow, you got an amazing job! But such a shame you are disabled.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in your position or that of your family.

But to my eye, these responses are better than the alternative, which is that every element of your sister's life is defined by what she cannot do, cannot have, cannot achieve, rather than what she CAN.

I hope your sister had a wonderful day.

Keema, how about not using the word lucky to describe a girl who saw both her parents killed, spent months in hospital, can't walk, can't speak, can't even wipe her own bottom.

How about 'Lovely presents!'

How about 'You look lovely!'

How about 'I'll help you spend the vouchers, fancy a trip to the shops?'

How about 'you deserve to be made a fuss of'

How about 'happy 18th'

There are endless alternatives that don't use the word 'lucky'

And YES I'm overthinking it but am I not allowed a bit of overthinking?

Sorry I only just read that she is limited in how she can communicating. What has happened is dreadful, but all of her life doesn't have to be defined by it IYSWIM.

Is your DSis upset by the comments?

But don't you want her to still be treated like other 18 year olds?

It is possible, as I have shown above, to acknowledge somebody's good fortune without blithely stating that they are disabled.

That's not what this post is about.

Summer, I assume you think yourself highly amusing. You're not.

Just seen your last post - I am so sorry this has happened to you all. I think you are adjusting to this new reality, and it is going to take time. I don't think these people are being unreasonable, but neither are you considering the change in such a short period of time.

It's a standard response, and on a superficial level. I understand the perspective of your complaint, but it creates a lose-lose situation as a deviation from a standard response would be patronising at best, and easily downright offensive.

I don't think my post was in any way funny. My post was entirely serious and intended to give you my perspective. I will leave you to it.

If she didn't have a disability those comments would be appropriate. They're commenting on the presents and treating her like they would any other person.