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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think NO, she's not 'lucky' or 'spoilt'

254 replies

strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 17:59

I know, I am bu but I'm wound up.

Dsis turned 18 on Wednesday and she's posted the pictures of the cards, balloons, presents up on Facebook saying thank you. She's got £100 I. Primark vouchers and money mainly. Also flowers and a new dress and shoes to wear for party, and pjs.

So she's apparently 'so lucky' and 'spoilt' and people are 'jealous.'

Dsis will never walk again. She can't move her arms properly, only a bit to use her iPad (which was given to her as an award.) she can't talk properly either. Has to have someone do everything for her including wipe her bum.

So I know I'm bu and people don't mean any harm but seriously can't they just say lovely presents.

Because she's not lucky at all.

OP posts:
sykadelic · 11/10/2014 21:12

Just because she's had something horrible happen in her life, just because she's living with struggles, doesn't mean she's not lucky to have people love her and give her great gifts, or spoilt by getting lovely presents.

So to response to your threads qn, yes YABU to think she's not lucky or spoilt.

Madamecastafiore · 11/10/2014 21:12

You are over thinking this and if people get wind of your objections your sister probably won't see any birthday congratulations on her Facebook page for fear of offending you.

It's like crossing the road when you see a recently bereaved person for fear of not knowing what to say or offending them when ignoring or avoiding is the most offensive thing you can do.

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2014 21:12

Middleton they're jealous that she got presents

Actually, I'd put money on the fact they're not jealous at all...it's just how they express themselves.

It's ill thought out (as many off the cuff FB comments are) but I think 'diabolical' is taking it a bit far.

Pistone · 11/10/2014 21:12

I'm so sorry what has happened to your family strawberry, it's heartbreaking to hear about your sister but also so hard for you to bear as well. I totally agree that the "lucky" and "spoiled" comments are entirely inappropriate and very thoughtless. People do use these words in normal circumstances, but these are obviously not normal circumstances.Are they really so out of touch with reality to not realise how insensitive and hurtful these words are. I just wish people would take the time to think before they speak, in the case of your sister there really should have been a lot of thought going in to make sure their words were appropriate. Empathy for others is something that seems to be lacking in so many people.
Best wishes to you and your sister. Flowers

Bakeoffcakes · 11/10/2014 21:12

I undrstand you Strawberry Flowers. People do make hurtful comments, they don't mean harm, but they just don't think. It would be nice if they did.

My very close friend lost her 17year old dd, in an accident. Some of the things people have said to her are just breathtakingly thoughtless. Everyday things like sending her "have a merry Christmas" cards just months after her DDs death. Yes, people don't mean any harm, but it is thoughtless. People should take a minute to think a bit more in these situations.

Stealthpolarbear · 11/10/2014 21:13

How soon after all her losses would it be appropriate to call her lucky or spoilt them? Presumably not days? Weeks? Months?

Pumpkinpositive · 11/10/2014 21:13

I can't imagine being jealous of a young girl who is paralysed. Diabolical that people could even write that to her.

They're not jealous of her paralysis, they're jealous of her presents. You can say you're jealous in a light hearted jovial way. Not everything has to be knives and daggers drawn.

ChippingInLatteLover · 11/10/2014 21:15

syk I'm sure you meant well, but bloody hell. That was a bit much.

GarlicOctopus · 11/10/2014 21:16

"Have you asked her if she thinks she's lucky?" - Well, that was a bit insensitive.

"Ultimately she's okay" ... It seems you and OP have different understandings of what it is to be okay. Or did you actually mean "at least she's alive"?

It's incredible how some can set the bar for "lucky" so low when it's not their own lives they're discussing.

MiddletonPink · 11/10/2014 21:17

Worra I wouldn't tell someone who at 18 was paralysed two years previous that they were spoilt or lucky or I was jealous of them.

I think it is diabolical that anyone can think it is ok to write those things.

leeloo1 · 11/10/2014 21:18

"I'm more unhappy that she's not lucky. I hope that makes sense."

It does and I think you're justified in feeling that way. Your sister may have had some good fortune - e.g. nice presents etc and that she has you to support her - but in the context of what her life was once and what she's lost then it would be impossible to describe her as lucky. It must be devastating for you both to have lost so much in such a short space of time and I'm so very sorry.

I haven't seen it mentioned, but did you realise that 'AIBU' can be less supportive than other 'topics' on Mumsnet - somewhere like 'relationships' may be a more appropriate place to get more sympathetic responses (which I think you deserve in such a situation).

GarlicOctopus · 11/10/2014 21:19

How soon after all her losses would it be appropriate to call her lucky or spoilt then?

Just as soon as you envy her life, Stealth.

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 21:19

Syk, you asked if she is upset.

I don't know. She can't talk. She can communicate, painstakingly using a board, but as you know communication is more than words. Getting across the myriad of feelings - of gratitude (to be alive, yes, and hopefully to have me, and a couple of others) but also of jealousy,grief, heart wrenching regret, sadness, frustration, anger and guilt - is lost to her.

So to be honest your post illustrates you don't understand. Because 'have you asked her' is so meaningless and so so sad that it's meaningless.

I agree with Worra, how could I not, as she's right. But I'm right too, right in a way I won't express but I'm right in my heart.

I've explained what I mean a few times now, thanks so much to those who understand.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 11/10/2014 21:22

Well in fairness you don't have to envy someone's entire life to say they're lucky. I can say a friend is lucky to have received a wonderrful birthday present without wanting her job or husband. What I wouldn't do is call her lucky 2 years after her life has come crashing down.

Original poster
strawberrycupcakedream · 11/10/2014 21:23

I do think when people are trying to be nice you can excuse clumsiness! although NOT in garli octopus' friends case!

I'm also appreciative of the fact that while they're not all youngsters many are and so obviously they won't necessarily know the 'right' thing to say.

But knowing all that somehow it still breaks my heart, and I can't help that.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/10/2014 21:23

I agree with Worra, how could I not, as she's right. But I'm right too, right in a way I won't express but I'm right in my heart.

That makes perfect sense OP because what you're saying, really is from your heart.

What they are saying, is just from a Facebook photo. They'll smile at the presents, click 'like', make a comment and then scroll on down the newsfeed.

That's the nature of Facebook, so it doesn't make anyone wrong here Thanks

GarlicOctopus · 11/10/2014 21:26

I am wishing you, your sister, and your family as much luck as you need, strawberry, and as many happy moments as you can get Flowers

Pistone · 11/10/2014 21:32

Syk your post is very unhelpful and rather lacking in any empathy I'm afraid.

WineWineWine · 11/10/2014 21:34

What a tragic experience you have both been through. Utterly heartbreaking
It must be so hard for you to see any positives in your DSIS's future.
You have every right to feel the way your feel.
That doesn't make the comments wrong or insensitive.
This is about your feelings about your DSIS. You cannot see that anything in her life could ever be lucky again. It is and it will be and when you are ready you will see that but not before you are ready.
There are some things that will always grate. I have a disability which means that I will never be able to drive. Every time a friend posts about passing their test or getting a new car or even complaining about a repair bill, it grates on me. That's my problem, not their insensitivity. I know its not the same, but I do understand how other people's reasonable comments, can feel so hurtful when their intent was nothing of the sort.
Your DSIS is lucky to have you

Goldenbear · 11/10/2014 21:37

Syk, what an absolutely outrageous, thoughtless and uncompassionate stance you are taking there!

Op, YANBU, I despair at how thoughtless and ignorant a lot of people seem to be. Unfortunately, the worst thing about FB is that 'we' get to hear what these types of people think. whereas prior to FB we could stay blissfully unaware!

NewInformation · 11/10/2014 21:38

Strawberry, I get it. It must be so very difficult for you.

I am 'lucky' to a lot of people. And I am. I have a lovely life, with just about everything I ever wanted. And my eldest dd has a severe disability. She too, is 'lucky' - it could be so much worse. And she gets to experience an awful lot, and is 'spoilt' with presents at birthdays and Christmas. And has wonderful holidays, as a result of our 'lucky' life.

And she also gets the daily struggles, and the fear and confusion and frustration which are commonplace in her life. She gets to watch her siblings conquer with ease the tiniest of tasks which she may never be able to do. And I get to fail to protect her from this hurt, and try to pick up the pieces as best I can.

There are days when, despite the apparent loveliness of my life, I do not feel very lucky at all.

Thanks, Strawberry, I hope your dsis had a nice birthday.

DearPrudence · 11/10/2014 21:39

Strawberry I get it. I hear you. You have been very clear that you know these people mean no harm but you are hurting, for you and your sister. You are going through a horrendously difficult time. You know that you will almost certainly reach a new stage of understanding and coping, but for now your raw grief comes through in your posts. And I don't blame you for one minute.

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through and all you have to face. I wish you strength and I hope you find peace.

WineWineWine · 11/10/2014 21:42

The other thing I wanted to add, is that so often, people don't know what to say when people have suffered such a tragic experience and because they don't want to say the wrong thing, they say nothing and run a mile. The ones who stick around don't always get it right but most do try. It can be very difficult for some people to see from someone else's point of view, how a comment like that, could be taken.

ElBandito · 11/10/2014 21:48

OP I'm trying to imagine your situation and just trying to do so hurts. I don't think YABU. What's wrong with expecting people to engage their brains!

This section of Mumsnet is very err.. well just very! Not always supportive. Other sections can be lovely.

I think you sound strong and I bet you give your sister strength.

Hang in there and sometimes here as I'm sure there are people in other sections here that can give you more support.

Lifesalemon · 11/10/2014 21:58

I think when something like the OP has experienced happens to you you deal with so many new emotions that you can't even begin to put into words exactly how you feel. Angry and upset doesn't even begin to describe it. Luckily for them, some people never have to cope with these kind of feelings so they will never truly get it.
Like new information I too get told I'm lucky. I still have my daughter and rationally I know I am lucky and things could have been so much worse but it doesn't stop me from occasionally want to punch some well meaning persons lights out for telling me so.

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